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I Was on the International Space Station Having a Three Way with Hilary Clinton and Sarah Palin

By S. P. Ashworth | TV | October 27, 2009 | Comments ()

By S. P. Ashworth | TV | October 27, 2009 |


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Disclaimer: For those excited to see Dominic Monaghan, guess just how much he's not in this episode? Yeah. Are you really surprised?

Previously on "FlashForward": Mllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

It's 1:30 AM in Washington and Stan and NotRalph exit a fancy-pants building with Demetri and Agent Vreede in tow (Vreede, for those who aren't aware, is the bigger version of Agent Al.) Stan appears to be unimpressed with NotRalph, who attempts to convince Stan that "whatever [he] does remember, [he] remembers clearly." But Stan's all, "I don't give a shit -- just keep your mouth shut." Word.

So the boys all pile into a car and drive away when -- BLAMMO. Theys is t-boned by an SUV . Then some mangy lookin' dudes toutin' grenade launchers (okay?) pile out, and Hey-Oh! A car explodes.

FlashForward!

Heading: 39 Hours Earlier. It's daytime, and NotRalph, Demetri, and Vreede lounge in a basement hallway, waiting on some lie detector tests. Finally Vreede and NotRalph go in, relay their shit, and here's a big fuckin' surprise: nothing's changed.

Finished the test, NotRalph chats over his cell with Aaron (who is conveniently fixing shit at NotRalph's home.) And who steps outside right when Aaron reminds NotRalph that DC will have "meetings", too? Olivia. And not liking the idea that you know, her husband might want to stay fucking sober, Olivia makes a face. Cow.

Back in DC, Stan plays basketball with an older dude named Dave. They discuss the importance of funding for Stan's mosaic investigation (the reason they're in DC to begin with), and Stan hopes Dave can help cut some corners in the upcoming hearing. Dave assures him all's good, but reminds him that Clemente will be sharing in the hearings. And, well, Stan makes a sad face.

Back at the L.A. headquarters, good ol' punching bag Al (even his name sounds denigrating), hands Janis a hard drive with 18 years of satellite imagery from southern Somalia. 'Cause theys is goin' on a crow hunt. And, well--crow hunt your face! Zang! Oh, c'mon. Lay off. It's a slow day for m'brain, ya'll. I'm afraid it doesn't get much better than this.

Now the boys (sans NotRalph) attend a press meeting where it turns out Stan's friend Dave is the President. ("I once caught a fish THIS. BIG.") Outside of mentioning to the journalists the shit we already know, the Pres' also reveals that like other world leaders, he will not make public his flash forward. But, hey! Let's tell the viewers, 'cause Lord knows they don't need any suspense in their lives.

Drum roll! He was in bed. With his wife. He was woken up by another agent. La-dee-frick-a-dee-da-dee-doo-doodle-da.

Two and a half minutes. Two point five minutes is how long this next scene with Olivia and Aaron lasts, and what do we learn? Butt fuck all, ya'll. I'm won't even attempt to describe their conversation, 'cause it will most likely make you dumber. I would rather waste words talking about my wasting of words than to transcribe the conversation between these two dumb assholes. How in the name of god will this show last 24 episodes? How in the name of god am I going to continue explaining this shit? I am flabbergasted. I am positively ruffled.

So what's next? Seriously, bring it on mutha-fuckas. Looks like Stan believes Dave "owes [Stan] one," but Dave is all, "Fuck you, YO. I'm the President. I am the mother fucking presi-DENT," and then he throws Stan out the window, ten monkeys ransack the room and they all do the goddamn Macarena. And that, my friends, is a Scout's honour.

But wait -- here's something interesting. Janis is on a date with a woman named Maya (Navi Rawat from "The O.C."), who I gotsta admit is smokin' hot. Janis explains how she hides her sexuality from the FBI because, "They're not too big on trusting gays with guns." And ... for real? 'Cause that could make for a fantastic slogan (and kudos to the commenter who writes said best slogan.) So the ladies discuss their eff-effs, Maya admitting she saw herself married, while Janis holds back on mentioning her pregnancy. And then they totally kiss.

Heading: Senate Intelligence Committee Hearing: Closed Session. And S.P.'s subheading: the uber condensed version. Fact: Clemente is a super bitch. Fact: Stan hates Washington. Fact: This hearing will be difficult because of those two other facts. Last fact: Clemente's flash forward shows herself as President. And then Stan makes his sad face again.

But, if you really wanna know (and let's pretend here), during the hearing Stan takes a stab at explaining his mosaic investigation, its tactics, and hopes for the best. But Clemente counters his every argument, until finally the hearing comes down to questioning the mosaic's daddy, NotRalph. And now it's his turn to make a sad face.

But more importantly, guess who totally got laid? Janis with Maya -- ohhhh yeeeahhhhh. Janis scrambles eggs, makes out with Maya, until Maya invites Janis out to her friend's gallery for a showing. Oh, I bet there's a showing. A showing of da boo--

Back in Washington, we see why NotRalph made his sad face. Because seriously? He fucking flounders in front of Clemente and Co. Even I felt uncomfortable watching him stumble. I guess he's not cut out for interrogation. And this is the only time I will say this, but... Poor guy.

But here's some semi-interesting news: the satellite imagery of Somalia that was on Al's hard drive shows five towers in the middle of nowhere (just like that tower at the end of episode three that I totally didn't consider a big deal until now.) Arranged to resemble five points of a pentagon, they've piqued Janis' interest. Neat-O.

However, back in DC, the hearing remains very much not neat-O. Clemente demands NotRalph recite the details of his flash forward and he does, but this results in explaining the amount of holes in his memory. What could possibly explain these gaps? Everyone else in the world remembers their flash forward in full. NotRalph manages to avoid the truth (that he was trashed), although he looked pretty close to cracking.

Then, finally free from the depths of hell, NotRalph, Demetri, and Vreede reflect over how ridiculous their findings sound once laid out all at once. And: THANK you. Janis then calls to tell them about the towers. They're 100 feet tall, were built five months before the crows dropped in 1991, and there's this weird eye in the middle that keeps talking about a ring. So weird. (Shut up.)

Over at the art gallery in L.A., Maya has a secret: she looked Janis up on the web mosaic and knows about her baby. Awk-ward! Maya tries to take her foot out of her mouth, but it's way too late. Shit just got weird. That's about a number three on the list of ways to lose any sexual tension. Damn that's too bad. Did I mention Maya's hot?

And guess who has blackmail on the President? Stan the Man in Charge. And, well, feck ... This scene is boring. Point is, Stan gets his funding 'cause Dave has a child with another woman and blah-blah-blah--blackmail!

And karaoke! "You're motorin'!" Awesome. While Vreede and Demetri "Sister Christian" the fuck outta the bar, Stan and NotRalph battle royal. NotRalph is pissed that Stan deserted him at the witness stand, but Stan realizes Clemente had a point about NotRalph's limited memory. Shit then gets real as Stan grills NotRalph who buckles under the pressure and screams, "I was loaded, okay!" And then Stan kinda looks ready to cry.

Oh check out this happy horseshit: back at Olivia someone texts her that "Mark was drinking in his Flash Forward." Yet Olivia looks okay with this information, except when she tries to text back, the number is blocked. And, well...that's kinda cool. Shits will hit the fans.

And now we're back at the start of the episode where the guys get t-boned by that SUV.

Which then begins the number one most asinine scene of any show in the history of television: a slow-mo gunfight with Bob Dylan's song, "Like a Rolling Stone" playing in the background. And nothing--I mean, nothing--prepares a girl to watch such a ball-licking presentation of hyper-machismo like the one I just watched on this show. Never before have I witnessed a group of men so little deserving of owning a gun, let alone of firing them while walking in tandem as Bob-fucking-Dylan plays as I did with this backward clique of melodramatic dingleberries. This scene has to be the least effective way to elicit any amount of respect from me or from any other viewer. What a flaccid team of finger-licking douche bags.

Oh, and Janis gets shot in the stomach.

Peace out.

S.P. Ashworth is a fourth-year creative writing student from Victoria, B.C. with aspirations of screenwriting, but realizes that without penning the next Devil Wears Prada, she's pretty much hooped. You can email her or leave a comment below.



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