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"Eastwick" / Dustin Rowles

TV Reviews | October 7, 2009 | Comments (24)


“Eastwick” is a remarkably bland show. A weird cross between “Desperate Housewives” and “Charmed,” the ABC dramedy — based on John Updike’s novel The Witches of Eastwick and the 1987 Jack Nicholson movie of the same name (there have also been two other serial attempts) — is about as magically charming as a rotting pumpkin.

“Eastwick” concerns three women, whose troubles are the same as those of the female characters from 1987 — a boorish louse of a husband; unequal treatment at work; and the lack of a good man (although the individual character traits are all jumbled up). Set in a Salem-like small town (think Stars Hollow, plus a certain mystical quality), Rebecca Romijn plays Roxie Torcoletti, a free-spirit type, an artsy sculptor hard-up for some quality man-boning, ever since her husband passed away and left her to care for her teenage daughter. Jaime Ray Newman plays Kat Gardner, a dead-ringer for Kelly Preston, who is stuck in a marriage to a lazy, boorish, abusive lout — she feels she can’t get out because of their five children. Meanwhile, Lindsay Price plays Joanna Frankel, a mousy reporter who can’t get a leg-up at work because she’s a bit of a doormat.

The three women don’t really care for one another, but are nevertheless brought together one day when they each find 50 cent pieces and simultaneously throw them in the town-square fountains, which apparently reveals their hidden talents for witchcraft. Roxie has visions of the future; Kat can affect mother nature; and Joanna can control people’s actions with her, ummm … sex appeal, I think.

Things go particularly pear-shaped when the three of them all wish for a good man, and that man arrives in the form of Paul Gross’ Daryl Van Horne, a sleazy slash sexy (supposedly, anyway) mogul who moves into town, buys up a mansion and the newspaper, and becomes the mysterious man in the three women’s lives (psssst. Hint: He’s their warlock pimp).

“Eastwick” aims really hard for some sort of “Northern Exposure” type of quirkiness, but it comes off flat, almost in opposition to the show’s jangly score. The three female leads are serviceable, but they all feel like pale imitations of other iterations of the source material (even 22 years later, you can hardly be expected to erase the memories of Cher, Susan Sarandon, and Michelle Pfeiffer). Paul Gross is the weakest link, as he has the doubly hard challenge of taking on a role Jack Nicholson popularized. He’s not just a poor man’s Nicholson — he’s a poor man’s Ray Wise, saddled with a lousy haircut.

I gave “Eastwick” two episodes, thinking it might improve on its lackluster pilot. But the second episode was not only more of a mess, it revealed the show for what it is: A nighttime soap opera with witches and season-long narrative arcs that I have absolutely no interest in following through on. There’s a decent amount of talent assembled here, but the tone is confused and the overarching mystery — if there even is one — is buried beneath the women’s frequent attempts to get laid. There’s a very modest amount of potential in “Eastwick” but almost nothing to keep you tuned in to discover it.


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Comments

Yeah the "older" women trying to get sex storyline has been done way too much on telivision now that it is a moot point.

Posted by: Angelmonster at October 7, 2009 12:13 PM

If Paul Gross will put on the Canadian Mountie uniform and find a half wolf-half dog pet, I'm in. I still have some residual love for him from Due South.

Thank you, kindly.

Posted by: Carolina Girl at October 7, 2009 12:36 PM

It's a lovely show to fall asleep to. Not too shrill, ya know? Not engaging enough to keep you awake. Even the man candy is relatively bland. Johnny Depp-in-Chocolat-Lite, The Poor Man's Tom Welling (aka Kyle XY), Paul Gross (who... well, I just don't find him hot. Then again, I didn't find Nicholson hot either)... I think the hottest one is the loutish husband, which just seems... wrong somehow. And where are they going with that storyline, anyway? Is Kat trying to break up with him, or stay with him, or what? I feel like if they get back together, it kind of changes the whole meaning behind ... oh, nevermind. I'm sure the show's not thinking that hard, so I'll stop trying to.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at October 7, 2009 12:48 PM

Roxie has visions of the future; Kat can affect mother nature; and Joanna can control people’s actions with her, ummm … sex appeal, I think.

Hrmm... So the real question here is which of these powers would you take?

I pretty much already have Joanna's power, so that one's out.

So if it's between visions of the future and controlling mother nature... I think I'm taking controlling mother nature. Visions of the future is a confusing and, too often, ultimately a tragic power.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at October 7, 2009 1:08 PM

Rebecca Romijn plays Roxie Torcoletti, a free-spirit type, an artsy sculptor hard-up for some quality man-boning, ever since her husband passed away and left her to care for her teenage daughter.

Never mind the fact that she's doing the kid from Kyle XY on the side. How hard up can she be?

Posted by: appwitch at October 7, 2009 1:18 PM

Word up Carolina Girl! WORD UP! If Paul Gross plays hockey whilst
wearing the uniform I might actually explode from the patriotic
synergistic sexiness of it all. They were able to rebuild me last time
and I have faith they can do it again. Ah Benton.

Posted by: Henry at October 7, 2009 1:30 PM

Which one of these size 2 woman is supposed to have had 5 kids? I bet she doesn't have Kate Gosselin's pre-tummy tuck tummy ass.

Posted by: BWeaves at October 7, 2009 2:37 PM

I realize this is fantasy, but in what alternate universe would Rebecca Romijn lack quality male attention?

Posted by: legaleagle at October 7, 2009 2:39 PM

You said it, AvB...Loutish Husband is the sexiest, which is sad and kind of disturbing.

Posted by: Smokin at October 7, 2009 2:42 PM

I have to disagree with several of these comments: The kid from Kyle XY grew up really sexy! I may actually have to learn his name now.

Posted by: ariadne at October 7, 2009 3:12 PM

buys ... the newspaper
---
Up to this point, I was thinking, "Uh-huh, uh-huh, OK, sure, I can buy into this all really happening for reals." And then I hit that line. Only a moron buys a newspaper today (and I assume you meant the building, presses, employees etc., and not just that day's edition).

The obvious solution to these women's problems: Roxie and Katt take up with each other, engage in some vigorous 69 each episode, then kidnap Joanna and keep her chained in the basement as their sex slave. That, I might watch.

Actually, I think pretty much EVERY TV series would be improved this way.

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at October 7, 2009 3:20 PM

ariadne, he is definitely much hotter now, with the facial scruffiness and the bellybutton. Yet, I still find him somewhat bland-ish. (Also, I think it's a kind of cute-ish character, with the really liking her.)

Not bland-ish enough to turn off the teevee, mind. I'll still... well, not watch it exactly... this evening, for instance, my plan is to go home from class, watch Glee, and then turn on Eastwick, turn off the light, and doze pleasantly. I plan to be delighted by this plan.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at October 7, 2009 3:22 PM

The obvious solution to these women's problems: Roxie and Katt take up with each other, engage in some vigorous 69 each episode, then kidnap Joanna and keep her chained in the basement as their sex slave. That, I might watch.

Actually, I think pretty much EVERY TV series would be improved this way.

GET THIS MAN A TV NETWORK.

Posted by: Vermillion at October 7, 2009 4:10 PM

Jack Nicholson squigs me out - I find him singularly unattractive on almost every level there is. Paul Gross, on the other hand trips just about every trigger I have. I don't care if he's carrying a wolf, a broom, a badge, or Yorick - if he's in it, I'm watching.

Posted by: funtime42 at October 7, 2009 7:33 PM

I agree with funtime42, Nicholson is repulsive to me. Sometimes he's funny and he's good at playing arrogant assholes. That is the best I can say about him.

I'm sitting here watching ep 3 of Eastwick as I'm typing this out, and it appears Roxie now sees dead people. It's a little more interesting than what happened the last few eps.

Posted by: Viking at October 7, 2009 10:10 PM

Can I be the annoying person who recently read the book and talks at boring length about how every other version gets everything wrong, even though I didn't even like the book that much in the first place and will never watch the movie because Susan Sarandon reminds me too much of my mother?

OK, I won't, but I will say that Darryl (Nicholson/Gross/warlock pimp) isn't supposed to be hot. The attraction to him is supposed to be inexplicable, evidence of something supernatural.

Anyways, the pilot was lame on its own terms.

Posted by: SaBrina at October 7, 2009 11:33 PM

I'll be honest because I have no shame. I watch this show for one reason....Lindsay Price. She is #1 on my list. I could care less if there is a plot. Put my girl on screen and I will TiVo it.

With that being said, I predict this show will last 8 episodes at best. She may be beautiful but she has made poor career choices (Coupling, Pepper Dennis). She is dating Ted Mosby in real life, however. Maybe he will use his influence to have her come back as the mother (she was the one who talked too much in Season 3 or 4)

Posted by: swingdude at October 7, 2009 11:37 PM

Thank you SaBrina, I always wondered why they chose Nicholson to be Van Horne. Cher's character even tells him that he smells, which is probably the best way to repel people.

Even with his big steamy sex scene in the pool last night, I couldn't see the appeal loutish husband. His body is nice, but I can't get past his floppy, dandelion hair. Or his assy attitude.

Posted by: Viking at October 8, 2009 8:11 AM

I am seeing the title of this post in German because it is written in German, or have I, after ten years of living over here in sauerkraut sandwich land, lost my mind?

Posted by: AdaHaze at October 8, 2009 8:20 AM

OK, somebody PLEASE tell me why the title is in German. I don't get it!
I know this is bothering me more than it should. It's my own fault. Instead of reading a little Pajiba daily, I wait and read a lot of Pajiba weekly. No one EVER replies to my old-ass comments.
SIGH.

Posted by: AdaHaze at October 9, 2009 10:44 AM

To AdaHaze,
I don't know WHY the title is in German, but I CAN tell you what it means:
"Every woman has a dirty secret."

So now someone has replied to one of your "old-ass" comments.
:-D

Posted by: Ann at November 6, 2009 12:06 AM

To AdaHaze,
I don't know WHY the title is in German, but I CAN tell you what it means:
"Every woman has a dirty secret."

So now someone has replied to one of your "old-ass" comments.
:-D

Posted by: Ann at November 6, 2009 12:07 AM

To AdaHaze,
I don't know WHY the title is in German, but I CAN tell you what it means:
"Every woman has a dirty secret."

So now someone has replied to one of your "old-ass" comments.
:-D

Posted by: Ann at November 6, 2009 12:07 AM

To AdaHaze,
I don't know WHY the title is in German, but I CAN tell you what it means:
"Every woman has a dirty secret."

So now someone has replied to one of your "old-ass" comments.
:-D

Posted by: Ann at November 6, 2009 12:08 AM





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