"Drop the Microphone and Get out of That Bitch" and the Other Best Lines from Last Night's Comedies
By Dustin Rowles | TV Reviews | April 15, 2011 | Comments ()
"My uncle never stuck his finger in my plop plop ... I know, I'm bummed about it, too."
"I'm auditioning for the all-black production of Fiddler on the Roof. It's called Fiddla, Please.
(Larry David to Paul Reiser) "You should be doing your version of Curb Your Enthusiasm, because you're so much worse than I am."
The Paul Reiser Show (Grade: D. I loved "Mad About You." I really like Paul Reiser. This show? Not very good.)
""One of my favorite things is fanfare for its own sake. So, without further ado, let's all start clapping!"
"What is the native American girl's name?"
I'm telling you, that baby could be the star of a show called "Babies I don't Care About."
The Office (Grade: B. The return of a little of that early season uncomfortable humor was refreshing, even if the episode mostly spun its wheels.)
(Swanson on Chris' vegetable loaf) "So, not only does this thing exist, but now you've deprived everyone of cake."
(On Julie Roberts) "Is she that toothy girl from Mystic Pizza?"
"Did you grow up in the woods. Are you Nell? From the movie Nell?
"The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy."
"Drop the microphone, get out of that bitch."
Parks and Recreation (Grade: A for Awesome Sauce)
"I sound like Cagney & Lacey without the slutty clothes."
"Can we order lunch from IKEA?"
"A large pizza with one slice taken out so I can pretend I'm eating Pac-Man, like my hero Blinky the ghost."
"Is that a to do list, 'cause if your wife is on it, I've already done it."
"Sean Penn wanted me to go to Haiti. And I'm not strong enough for the pain and misery of a 3 and a half hour flight with Sean Penn."
"You've got almost every kind of mustard, but still not the one I'm thinking of. It's red and says ketchup on it!"
"Could you use that to motivate Slaughterface into sewing she sheriff's mouth to his own anus? Of course, elegant. Should vaginatorium be capitalized?"
30 Rock (Grade: B for mad one-liners. I'd give it a B+, but that would suggest it was within spitting distance of last night's "Parks and Rec," and it just wasn't)
"Hey, try not to be unconscious for too long. It's super bad for you."
"Can I bring you back anything from Russia? Maybe, nesting dolls of my penis?"
(After jumping onto a broken bottle two kids had busted): "How is this happy playtime? Use your imaginations. Make a soccer ball out of a dead cat."
Archer (Grade: B)
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