Crazy Ranking "True Blood": Your Gay Vampire Ex Edition

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Crazy Ranking "True Blood": Your Gay Vampire Ex Edition

By Sarah Carlson | TV Reviews | July 15, 2013 | Comments ()


For “True Blood’s” Sixth Season, each week we’ll review and rank the various raisin-cake plot developments of this bloody, campy drama. This post could get a bit NSFW, so be warned. Comments also won’t be strictly policed because the series is so far off the source novels, spoilers are practically a moot point.

Episode Five, “F*ck the Pain Away,” continues this season’s run of fun, engaging stories (again, minus the werewolves) and delightful pandering to fans. Instead of presenting a series of new storylines, most every plot is a continuation from last season and beyond. It’s like a reward for sticking with the show throughout the weak fairy plot and uneven Authority detour. All the pieces are in motion: Most of the undead are now at Vamp Camp, where Steve Newlin is turning on his kind like there’s nothing to it, forced to play games and answer questions; Sam, Emma and Nicole are still on the run with Alcide & Co. on their trail (and we still don’t really care); Holly was able to talk Andy out of rash revenge decisions to avenge his dead daughters; and thankfully one of the fairies survived Jessica’s attack.

Here’s what else went on:

5. Eric is good at playing Racquetball From Hell.



4.5. Jessica is not good at being high on fairy blood. (Also, where was Nora?)


4. What in the world is Sarah up to? She appears to be in a hurry to get pregnant, and when the Governor wouldn’t sleep with her — your timing was bad, honey, but you were right about one thing: “When a woman comes to you in black lingerie, you unwrap her!” — she turns to Jason. (The real-life governor of Louisiana’s mansion is in Baton Rouge, the capital, which is a good 250 miles away from Shreveport. Bon Temps is located a ways outside of Shreveport, so how is everyone moving so quickly between the two oh never mind.)



Their rendezvous (see a very NSFW gif set here) was short-lived, however. Once crazy, Jason, always crazy.



3.5. Terry has a death wish thanks to his guilt for killing Patrick, and he has enlisted an old acquaintance from the Marines, Justin (Gideon Emery), to kill him off. Justin agreed to shoot him, but it can’t be that easy. Justin was too agreeable and surely has different motives.


3. We learned a lot about Warlow, who thankfully is turning out to be more complex than first appearances had us believe. Firstly, that he was turned in 3500 B.C. God bless the campy, low-budget flashbacks.


Not only did he not want to be made a vampire by Lilith, but now that Bill has had Lilith’s blood, Bill can command him as his maker. He also appears to have saved Sookie’s life the night her parents died; they were trying to kill her to save her from a fate of marrying Warlow and vamping it up for eternity. This won’t be an easy fact to swallow.


2. Sookie enlisted Lafayette to help her uncover the truth and hear her parents’ side, and anytime Lafayette gets to yell “Now listen up, dead folk!” or “Stackhouses, calm the f*ck down!,” it’s a good thing.


Unfortunately, when our favorite medium channels spirits, they have a habit of overtaking his body and his actions. RIP, Jesus. Keep fighting, Sookie.


1. The screams heard across “TB” fandom came thanks to the threat of Pam and Eric forced to fight to the death. Both were sorry for the predicament, but both are survivors. Eric’s face went cold once he realized what he’d have to do, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he has some maneuver up his sleeve to not only save them both, but to try to rescue the others. Willa would be better in his care, anyway.



Best Lines

  • Sarah: “You’re a demon whore!”
  • Lafayette: “Oh hey there, Sugar Boo Boo. Now what is you doin’ here at your place of work ‘cause I know it ain’t work.”
  • Pam: “I like to think of myself as especially unremorseful.”
  • The Governor: “Your gay vampire ex, that’s my surprise?”
  • Sarah: “Haven’t you seen ‘Gladiator’? F*ckin’ fight!”


Final Thoughts

When I hear the song used over the closing credits, “F*ck the Pain Away” by Peaches, I’m always reminded of this (NSFW) video:

Sarah Carlson is a TV Critic for Pajiba. She lives in San Antonio. You can find her on Twitter.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • elvis grace

    Sookie/Benlow are throwing off some major Kara Thrace/Leoben vibes.

  • Dominic

    A classic episode . They are building to a Final Confrontation nicely

    "FUCK Destiny"
    Oh well , so much for Sookie's self-empowerment .....So she HAS to marry Warlo now ??
    of course he saves her from Dad/Lala - it stops Warlo from breaking Takahashi's neck ....
    "I feel like I want to have sex Or die Or die while having sex ..."
    Does Andy giving No.X ? vamp blood mean he is creating the next fairy vampire , and competition for Warlo and Bill ?
    Since Warlo is 5000+ years old , maybe not ...
    How many other major network shows have this many gay sex "innuendos " ? and MM/FF body contact ...
    Nora's nightmare , Bill and Warlo teaming up ( whether Warlo likes it or not )
    Wow does Lilith come quick ....
    Sarah's anger at Jason gets him confined to Camp too
    Was this sex secene a gift for all Ryan's hard work at being so Damn Good lately l ?
    " God wants me to fuck you ." IN-contravertible line .
    It seems that this season major theme is that EVERY character is heading for potential death . Maybe this IS the last season
    Every thing is weaving together very tightly ... .
    Or the last with many of these people .. CAN the story go on without the Big Three - Alexander Anna Stephen ?
    " She called me a demon whore ! " ... Deborah Ann was major in this episode ...
    " Hold the fuck up ! am I in therapy ?? "
    " I don't give a fuck what you worry about "
    All u people whining about Pam : Are You Happy Now ? !
    And they used this "therapy session " to explain WHY Pam was so wimpy she wasn't over being released ..
    Kristen's drawl was great , and she had a " feed " scene !
    " Your insignificance to me can not be overrated " So many great blow-off lines this epi ...
    OK I finally have to agree with you Terry haters - THIS is an awful way to use him .
    It is what's making me think EVERYBODY'S supposed to die .
    I hate it for his character tho .. related to Jessica looking for salvation ..
    'Some dead folk just wanna stay dead .. "
    " .....And ff-aaahhh-uck you ...." Trivia question : how many characters said ( some version of ) "Fuck " this show ?
    Just because of the show title song ....

  • I kinda feel like this season is going for a reset. I'm not sure how the show can go back to what it was without getting bigger and bigger, there has been too much damage to other characters at this point for Jessica and Bill to not pay for what they have done. Starting to think we are going to have a vampire purge and the only ones left will be Eric and Warlow. I thought one of the best moments in all the crazy was the look on Eric's face when he realized his (poorly thought out) plan to turn Willa had failed to change the Governor's mind.

    At some point Sookie will figure out that asking Lafayette to channel ghosts always ends with a possession and attempted murder and she should probably knock it off.

  • My bf was watching with me and he only watches when he happens to be in the room, and even he was like "Why does he keep talking to ghosts if they keep jumping in his mouth and causing trouble?"

  • dizzylucy

    I was happy to see so very little of the wolves, Sam, and Terry's stories. I just am not interested in them anymore, especially as the vamp stuff is getting crazier. Bill have maker control of Warlow was unexpected and intriguing, as was the stuff with Sookie's parents. And Lafayette. Always Lafayette.
    Pam finally got something other than whining at Eric to do! Most of the episode felt a little slow, but the last few minutes? Nice.
    I love Anna Camp on this show so much.

  • sean

    And then NO ONE unwrapped her. She wore her clothes during the sex scene.

  • Morgan_LaFai

    I noticed that too. It took me out of the moment and made me speculate on whether she had a no nudity clause in her contract. It is the only thing that makes sense.

  • My guess is that Justin is in some form of law enforcement, so he's not going to kill Terry, he's going to turn him in and let the state of Louisiana kill him instead. Still not a compelling story by any stretch. Ditto for the wolves. How the hell did this show manage to make werewolves boring? It's a travesty.

    On the other hand, the vampire & Sookie storylines are all coming together nicely, have decent pacing, are reasonably consistent with the show's canon thus far, and have yielded up more scenes with Lafayette being fabulous and Jason being naked (although not together, more's the pity), so I'm quite pleased. Also, Anna Camp is such fun to watch, Pam being the snarky representative for her race is interesting, and Tara is showing more humanity than she did when she was human. Gonna be a shame if they all burn up.

  • Man, we totally need to see who down-votes us, so I can ask them wtf they find so offensive about me having an opinion on the episode. Especially since I liked it.

  • atgdng

    WAIT, Gideon Emery is on this show now?

    But I...don't want to start watching it again.

    But... Gideon Emery.


    Damn it, HBO.

  • Joe Grunenwald

    Oh, hello, Anna Camp. Looks like it's time to start watching TRUE BLOOD.

  • John W

    No Jessica/Sarah GIF action? For shame.

  • Mrcreosote

    What the hell? Downvotes on all posts? I'm blaming fairies.

  • Maguita NYC

    Or someone high on V.

  • $27019454

    If Warlow/Ben killed Lillith way back in Vampire Cave man times, how did the Authority get a sample of her blood? Overall, it's a better season than last season (ugh) but I still feel like that in order to make is interesting they are stuffing it full of needlessly complicated details that feel forced and inorganic. Interesting but NOT compelling. Feels flat. Clearly I am a fan since I am still watching, but I'm really sad at what they have done to Bill, who used to be such a good (as in interesting) character.

  • I wondered the same thing about the blood. Had she already written the vampire bible and secreted a vial of her blood away for safe keeping? And if so, what language was it in? (Yep, history geek wants to know how it evolved linguistically, which could account for the mistranslation that so upset Nora, back when she had a storyline.)

  • Mrcreosote

    Yeah, when I saw (ex) Mrs. Newlin last week in the trench I assumed, this being True Blood that there was some sort of lacy nothing uunder there. The show showed admirable restraint (for them) waiting an entire episode for the reveal.

  • ZizoAH

    Oh, how I've missed the gratuitous sex scenes! We had so much this week.

    I love that Sarah Newlin is the real villain of the season; she eats all vampires, vampire-fairies, and that boyfriend of hers for breakfast. It would be awesome if she got pregnant from Jason.
    And she is definitely giving Pam a run for her money in the quotes department!

    By the way, unless 2,500 B.C. Warlow was already horny before Lillith came to him, I don't know how she rode him that quickly.

    I was surprised that they killed off the fairy daughters of Andy so quick (well, one survived), I really wanted to see more of that storyline.

    And can we please get over with the Alcide/Sam/Terry storylines? Did anybody care about anything that happened in this episode? I don't even remember anymore.

  • Maguita NYC

    @Sarah Carlson, wonder if I can ask a favor: Could you hold the episode reviews for maybe 20 hours after the show airs, same as Pajiba usually does for Walking Dead, etc. so for those who had to work, study, take care of kids and did not have the chance to watch it live, can have a bit of time and catch up before commenting.

    Same for Newsroom... If not, well, it didn't hurt to ask.

  • Sheer Lunacy

    Asks the woman who spoiled Christopher Meloni's death about five minutes after it happened, in a thread that was unrelated to True Blood. I do believe you don't have a leg to stand on.

  • angela

    Just to give a different POV, I LOVE that the updates are up so quick, and I am grateful that Pajiba is showing this show some love. Keep it up!

  • bcarter3

    Wouldn't it be easier if you just didn't read the posting until you're ready?

  • Maguita NYC

    The only other episode review to air quickly was GoT, and that is more than understandable, for we all made time and watched it live.

    However, all other show reviews, including True Blood, were always posted up to two days later. And like I said, it doesn't hurt to ask.

  • emmalita

    I stopped watching True blood sometime in season 3, but Lafayette and now Anna Camp kind of make me want to watch again.

  • I feel the same way! I think both of the Newlins are an absolute scream and what I'm hearing about Anna Camp this season makes me happy. I like Lafayette a whole lot, but it seemed like his character stalled in one place as a sort of gay clown (albiet a fantastically-acted one). I wonder if they've given him more to do and it seem they might've!

  • emmalita

    I agree.

  • toblerone

    Yup, (yes T.B. always had Debra Ann Woll) but Anna Camp in the header is making me regret canceling my HBO subscription.

  • Ian Fay

    Over on a certain other TV website they refer to it as Camp Anna Camp, which makes me laugh every.single.time.

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