Crazy Ranking "True Blood": 'You Really Are a Danger Whore, Aren't You?' Edition
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Crazy Ranking "True Blood": 'You Really Are a Danger Whore, Aren't You?' Edition

By Sarah Carlson | TV Reviews | August 19, 2013 | Comments ()


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For “True Blood’s” Sixth Season, each week we’ll review and rank the various raisin-cake plot developments of this bloody, campy drama. This post could get a bit NSFW, so be warned. Comments also won’t be strictly policed because the series is so far off the source novels, spoilers are practically a moot point.

One step forward, two — or three, or four, etc. — steps back. After rallying from some disappointing seasons, “True Blood” finished its Sixth without providing much of a reason for fans to return for a Seventh. “Radioactive” was crammed to the brim with story, tying up the Vamp Camp/Billith/Warlow arcs and jumping six months ahead to try to make us care about an even bigger problem. The governor and his ilk aren’t around to round up vampires to study and exterminate them, but the undead are still public enemies thanks to Hep V. Vamp Camp was a distraction; the real danger was always the virus. That isn’t a bad twist, but mixed in with a jumping six months ahead gimmick, it failed to be engaging. Most of the final scenes of felt like a series finale. Only a few loose ends needed trimming, and we could have bid adieu to the gang. Eric’s fate is still a mystery and the one plot point most people are really concerned with, but everyone else? It would have been a good time to say goodbye. Season Six showed a lot of promise, but most of it felt squandered with that ending.

5. Welcome to Bill’s Summer Shindig! Strip out of your unflattering prison garb and jitterbug in your undies. Hell, just get naked! Later, change into your best Target digs for some volleyball and feel free to snack on Ginger. Let’s go, Maverick!

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4. I admit, I was swayed by Warlow’s charms — he just worked so hard on that maypole — and was surprised when he dropped his act and stopped pretending to find Sookie’s antics bearable. Niall’s return to help finish him off was nice, although did I somehow miss Jason escaping from the cubby in enough time to help? And I thought Warlow needed Sookie’s light to jump to Fairyland? He could come and go as he pleased all along? I guess I should know better than to ask too many questions of “True Blood” …

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3. This is the point at which I had to hit pause because I was laughing too hard to hear anything. Yes, it really happened: Lawrence O’Donnell interviewed Bill about his New York Times bestselling, “350-page irrevocable confession” of his Billith days, “And God Bled.”

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2. TV Rule No. 1: Never believe a character is dead unless you see them officially die onscreen. Fans are freaking out, but there is no official word on Eric’s fate. Just ask the actors:

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Why didn’t Eric just burrow into the snow to take shelter? I’m hoping Pam swoops to help, although she’ll have lost her day-walking abilities, too. I doubt that was Eric’s goodbye on the show, but if for some horrible reason it was, we will riot.

(There are a lot more, um, graphic photos of Eric in all his glory online. Try not to get fired for Googling them.)

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1. A lot has happened in six months.

Sookie and Alcide are together because OF COURSE.

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Arlene bought Merlotte’s and renamed it Bellefleur’s Bar and Grill.

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Sam is now mayor of Bon Temps (and with a thickened accent, sounds like he stepped out of “All the King’s Men”) and is encouraging humans to get blood tests — at church. (That’s a very Driving Miss Stackhouse look you got going on there, Sookie.)

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And Hepatitis V has now spread to the masses, and roaming bands of vampires are picking on small towns in search of humans.

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Although I appreciate the writers not simply dropping this plot thread that obviously has big consequences — except for whatever happened to Sarah Newlin — it’s a strange development. Not only was Eric and company’s smashing of Tru Blood cases in last week’s episode fruitless, the virus appears to have changed. Hep V took Nora out pretty quickly — she was not long for this world, and in her weakened state, she certainly wasn’t able to wander around in search of blood. Perhaps she fared worse because she received such a concentrated dose of the virus, but some of the Vamp Camp vampires we saw in last week’s episode who ingested the virus via Tru Blood went down fast as well. Having vampires run around like zombies instead of curling up and dying doesn’t seem to jive with the story. The vampire-human feeding-protecting buddy system is interesting, but it doesn’t feel like a concept to carry into an entire season.

Best Quotes

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  • Pam: Sookie! I’m actually f**kin’ happy to see you!
  • Andy: “Let’s do this sh*t, then. But we’re goin’ in heavy.” Jason: “There ain’t no other way.”
  • Warlow: “You really are a danger whore, aren’t you?”
  • Bill: “You can growl all you want, bright eyes, but it doesn’t change the truth.”

Best Returning Character

It’s a little disorienting seeing Adina Porter return as Lettie Mae now that she’s on “The Newsroom,” but the actress has done a killer job with this role, especially in the first several seasons. Her reunion with Tara can’t be all positive, however. Who wants to bet she’s infected with Hep V?

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Final Thoughts

My guess is that Bill will become Sookie’s blood buddy and, now that he’s back to himself and has totes gotten over his whole “You’re dead to me” thing and her “You’re a monster” thing, sparks will fly yet again. Bright Eyes won’t like it, but as long as we aren’t subjected to more wolf pack nonsense, I can handle the triangle. Violet and Jason are more interesting to watch, and there will always be room for making fun of James being in a band. That’s right — I’ll be back with the show next summer, mainly to see what happens to Eric. But I’m not committing myself to it. Get that maypole away from me.

Lasting Image

To get you through the winter, kids.

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Sarah Carlson is a TV Critic for Pajiba. She lives in San Antonio. You can find her on Twitter.



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