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Crazy Ranking "True Blood": 'You Really Are a Danger Whore, Aren't You?' Edition

By Sarah Carlson | TV Reviews | August 19, 2013 | Comments ()


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For “True Blood’s” Sixth Season, each week we’ll review and rank the various raisin-cake plot developments of this bloody, campy drama. This post could get a bit NSFW, so be warned. Comments also won’t be strictly policed because the series is so far off the source novels, spoilers are practically a moot point.

One step forward, two — or three, or four, etc. — steps back. After rallying from some disappointing seasons, “True Blood” finished its Sixth without providing much of a reason for fans to return for a Seventh. “Radioactive” was crammed to the brim with story, tying up the Vamp Camp/Billith/Warlow arcs and jumping six months ahead to try to make us care about an even bigger problem. The governor and his ilk aren’t around to round up vampires to study and exterminate them, but the undead are still public enemies thanks to Hep V. Vamp Camp was a distraction; the real danger was always the virus. That isn’t a bad twist, but mixed in with a jumping six months ahead gimmick, it failed to be engaging. Most of the final scenes of felt like a series finale. Only a few loose ends needed trimming, and we could have bid adieu to the gang. Eric’s fate is still a mystery and the one plot point most people are really concerned with, but everyone else? It would have been a good time to say goodbye. Season Six showed a lot of promise, but most of it felt squandered with that ending.

5. Welcome to Bill’s Summer Shindig! Strip out of your unflattering prison garb and jitterbug in your undies. Hell, just get naked! Later, change into your best Target digs for some volleyball and feel free to snack on Ginger. Let’s go, Maverick!

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4. I admit, I was swayed by Warlow’s charms — he just worked so hard on that maypole — and was surprised when he dropped his act and stopped pretending to find Sookie’s antics bearable. Niall’s return to help finish him off was nice, although did I somehow miss Jason escaping from the cubby in enough time to help? And I thought Warlow needed Sookie’s light to jump to Fairyland? He could come and go as he pleased all along? I guess I should know better than to ask too many questions of “True Blood” …

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3. This is the point at which I had to hit pause because I was laughing too hard to hear anything. Yes, it really happened: Lawrence O’Donnell interviewed Bill about his New York Times bestselling, “350-page irrevocable confession” of his Billith days, “And God Bled.”

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2. TV Rule No. 1: Never believe a character is dead unless you see them officially die onscreen. Fans are freaking out, but there is no official word on Eric’s fate. Just ask the actors:

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Why didn’t Eric just burrow into the snow to take shelter? I’m hoping Pam swoops to help, although she’ll have lost her day-walking abilities, too. I doubt that was Eric’s goodbye on the show, but if for some horrible reason it was, we will riot.

(There are a lot more, um, graphic photos of Eric in all his glory online. Try not to get fired for Googling them.)

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1. A lot has happened in six months.

Sookie and Alcide are together because OF COURSE.

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Arlene bought Merlotte’s and renamed it Bellefleur’s Bar and Grill.

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Sam is now mayor of Bon Temps (and with a thickened accent, sounds like he stepped out of “All the King’s Men”) and is encouraging humans to get blood tests — at church. (That’s a very Driving Miss Stackhouse look you got going on there, Sookie.)

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And Hepatitis V has now spread to the masses, and roaming bands of vampires are picking on small towns in search of humans.

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Although I appreciate the writers not simply dropping this plot thread that obviously has big consequences — except for whatever happened to Sarah Newlin — it’s a strange development. Not only was Eric and company’s smashing of Tru Blood cases in last week’s episode fruitless, the virus appears to have changed. Hep V took Nora out pretty quickly — she was not long for this world, and in her weakened state, she certainly wasn’t able to wander around in search of blood. Perhaps she fared worse because she received such a concentrated dose of the virus, but some of the Vamp Camp vampires we saw in last week’s episode who ingested the virus via Tru Blood went down fast as well. Having vampires run around like zombies instead of curling up and dying doesn’t seem to jive with the story. The vampire-human feeding-protecting buddy system is interesting, but it doesn’t feel like a concept to carry into an entire season.

Best Quotes

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  • Pam: Sookie! I’m actually f**kin’ happy to see you!
  • Andy: “Let’s do this sh*t, then. But we’re goin’ in heavy.” Jason: “There ain’t no other way.”
  • Warlow: “You really are a danger whore, aren’t you?”
  • Bill: “You can growl all you want, bright eyes, but it doesn’t change the truth.”

Best Returning Character

It’s a little disorienting seeing Adina Porter return as Lettie Mae now that she’s on “The Newsroom,” but the actress has done a killer job with this role, especially in the first several seasons. Her reunion with Tara can’t be all positive, however. Who wants to bet she’s infected with Hep V?

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Final Thoughts

My guess is that Bill will become Sookie’s blood buddy and, now that he’s back to himself and has totes gotten over his whole “You’re dead to me” thing and her “You’re a monster” thing, sparks will fly yet again. Bright Eyes won’t like it, but as long as we aren’t subjected to more wolf pack nonsense, I can handle the triangle. Violet and Jason are more interesting to watch, and there will always be room for making fun of James being in a band. That’s right — I’ll be back with the show next summer, mainly to see what happens to Eric. But I’m not committing myself to it. Get that maypole away from me.

Lasting Image

To get you through the winter, kids.

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Sarah Carlson is a TV Critic for Pajiba. She lives in San Antonio. You can find her on Twitter.



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  • I will freely admit the show is a hot mess at the best of times but this finale was absolutely godawful. Not only by True Blood standards but by all television shows in the history of existence. I'm not just counting the ones on Earth either. It was really that bad. Lazy, incoherent, just awful. The writers responsible should be fired and HBO should reverse their renewal order and cancel the series.

    That said, if HBO does go ahead with season 7 I intend to be there in June 2014 to see just how much this train can wreck.

  • mmtols

    They were picked up for season 7 partway through this season... so they will definitely be back :)

  • VohaulsRevenge

    I'll only say that Violet has neatly ousted Jessica as my favorite female character. I hope she's here to stay.

  • Caseyriffic

    I thought this was the best season of True Blood yet. I loved every part of it. After last weeks episode with Eric going as badass as we'd seen him yet, I was afraid at what the finale would be. Last weeks episode was awesome. Eric stormed in and took care of business. He was the hero, saved everyone (yeah I know, Bill gets credit too with his blood) and then flew away. I dont think they killed Eric off, but if they did I really wish they would have left his departure on the last episode when he mysteriously flew away in front of Pam. That would be way more fitting for Eric. The finale, though.. ugh... I don't really care about the warlow storyline. Yes, I feel they ended him a little too abruptly, but whatever. My biggest issue with the finale was the jump to the future thing. BIll as a writer going on TV? Ok, sure. Sookie with Alcide? I guess. Arlene buying Merlotte's and renaming it? HELL NO. WTF am I supposed to do with all my Merlotte's beer mugs now? Sam as mayor? How the hell did that even happen?! Tara just all of a sudden trusting her moms shitty apology? No way. Hep V turns Vamps into zombies now? That scene sure looked familiar (Walking Dead).

    I'm a huge fan of the show. I always have been, and I always give it the benefit of the doubt. I've hung in there through the stupid story lines and tried to ignore them knowing it would get better. And it did. But this next season needs to be the last season. In a way, I wish last weeks episode was the last one and they didn't even bother with the jump to the future thing. But, if next season must go on, then Eric better be there.

  • St

    This was the most disappointed finale since… I don’t even remember. It was so bad that I just sat there in disbelief.

    1. All those faceless vampires we don’t know who played beach ball... Was looking so stupid.
    2. Jason and that vampire that owns him… Such fail with that storyline. It was boring from the beginning and it keep being even more boring as the time goes. Don’t even start with the whole “no sex” things. That was going on for 6 months? I didn’t understand. And suddenly she even appeared in operation “Save Sookie“. For absolutely no reason.

    3. Eric… Is he dead or what? Is it one of those situations when in 3 months we will hear that Alexander Skarsgård won’t return for next season? That whole segment was idiotic. There is no way Eric would be THAT stupid to sit on that mountain and taking sunbaths. Everyone understood that this “sun thing” will end at any moment and vampires will go in darkness again. This is just slap in the face of smart character.
    4. I did like “selfish Bill” when he didn’t care about anyone’s feelings. I’m sad he is gone and “always guilty Bill” returned.

    5. Just when I thought that stupid Alcide maybe will finally go away in next season – they made him Sookie’s boyfriend. For absolutely no reason. Just because his storyline with wolves ended and they needed to put him somewhere. So why not make him Sookie’s man. Is he related to some big producer or what? There is absolutely no reason for him to be on this show for last 2 seasons.
    Sookie is like… Britney Spears. She always needs man around her. So when she break ups with someone then next week she falls and dates another one. Why? Can’t Sookie be alone for some time? They keep destroying Sookie as character. I feel like even Anna Paquin gave up and just was sleep walking whole season. It can’t be more embarrassing then to pretend that Sookie is in love with Alcide now.

    6. That Warlow end? So freaking predictable from the early episodes. Of course he will go bad in one second and will be killed. Duh. Very boring villain.
    7. And this was their set up for next season? Bunch of hungry vampires showing up at that town? And we suppose to care? I was so disappointed that I even want to stop watching.

    So what we have now? Is Eric dead or what? Pam is gone too in search of Eric. And we have boring Sam and boring Alcide for next season. Bill returned to being boring and guilty too. That awful vampire that owns Jason will stay too. God, I really, really don’t care about next season.

    P.S. Tara’s mother is so crazy that I was screaming to Tara: “Don’t drink. She is probably infected and knows it and wants to “free” you from your vampire fate by killing you”. I totally expected that to happened.

  • Dominic

    ok forgot to mention LAWRENCE O'DONNELL ??? that was fff-ing hilarious What's funnier tho : that they would ask HIM ? ( I am assuming he was 1st choice ) or that he would say yes ?

  • e jerry powell

    The world is always better with more Adina Porter.

  • Jim

    "Danger Whore" - I hear that so often it's lost all meaning.

  • Joe O

    They spent 3 episodes mourning the loss of Terry, if Eric really did die we would have an entire season thinking it over.

  • Dominic

    yes that WOULD be appropriate

  • Mrcreosote

    Interior: True Blood writers room
    Producer " What the hell have you idiots been writing the past 6 weeks? Warlow is decent? Vampires have feelings? Eric Northman is interesting and kick-ass! What the hell? We only have one show to fix all this!"
    Writer "People seem to like it sir. If you read the blogs..."
    Producer "Shut up! You're fired! Somebody get me a monkey, three pounds of Meth, a bag of White Castle sliders, two DVDs of early 90s porn and that CD all the kids are listening to today!"
    Writer "You mean Daft Punk or Robin Thicke sir?"
    Producer "You're fired again! I mean 2 Live Crew! We're going shocking and cutting edge here!"
    Writer "Well, I'm done here.."
    Producer "Damn right you are! This is almost as bad as that Community show I had to save! "
    fin.

  • manting

    the writers are from the cancelled soap operas. Same thing just magic creatures and nudity.

  • e jerry powell

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with nudity.

  • Dominic

    yes if anybody didn't realize this by now TB IS just a soap opera . a well-done one tho WAYYYY more interesting than its daytime cousins

  • dizzylucy

    As cringe inducing as Lettie Mae is, I agree the actress has always done an amazing job with the role.

    I liked this season more than last, but there was a lot of weirdness in the finale. The season could have ended after last week's episode.

    I also wish they'd change up their formula a bit - season long big bad starts off good, gets super boring in the middle, then gets killed off in the first half of the finale, the next half drags and is a goofy set up for following season.
    No way Eric is really most sincerely dead. His screen time next season will most likely equal however many trucks of money they back up to keep him around.
    It's still a guilty pleasure with some characters I like, so I'm sticking around until the end.

  • Dominic

    Sarah , it was pretty obvious that last episode was the actual end of everything BUT Sookie and Warlow . usually it's only two or three plot lines they tease for next Season ; this time practically the whole episode ..
    This episode was all about relationships i.e Sookie and Warlow PLUS Sookie and Alcide ( Sorry haters Round 2 ! Alcide is stickin' around. ) Eric and Pam Violet and Jason + a tease of her bonding with Violet Andy and Aidlyn ......and a promise of danger to all next EPISODE ! much less next year ...

    Once again the main plot will be ALL humans in danger , not just our crazy BonTemps-ers .. The zombie look ? why not they've " borrowed " from every other supernatural show last couple seasons ..So to correct last week's feeling here , the vamps that ambushed the TrueBlood truck DIDN'T know Hep V was in it . Thus now the Humans sow the seeds of their own destruction , just like the Authority ..

    I thought that was Luke as the lead singer . He's got a band ?
    The " party " ? hilarious but in keeping with the theme of " vamps are more human than they wish to admit " ... "their best Target " lol .. at least we got to see a softer side of Violet - Karolina looking more normal ...

    .Of COURSE Sookie should be with Alcide ; he's about the least threatening (to HER ) Supe that she can be with
    Rutger must've been liked better than SOME here thought ..
    So , after 5000 + years of waiting , Down Goes Warlo ! in less than a week ......
    I still like the move toward more of a Black Church s arc ...
    I had to close my eyes during some of the " feed on me " scene it was SO CREEPY ... guess there will always be a " which mother should I hang with ? " dilemma for Tara ( Pam wins ... )
    Ok not a great episode but I liked it .. And we got our payoff already . At least Anna P's NOT getting fitted for fangs . Think she'd look bad with them , screw up her smile .
    I see Eric as a ghost , until Skaars doesn't have time for that either . TB has been bery bery goot for him . But it's an actor's playground now , in this booming TV network economy - nobody's hurting for job offers ...
    I THINK they are going to have to introduce another type of Supe( vampires top of the food chain HA ) in order to save humanity . Obviously we ain't survivin' hordes of vamps .. Maybe an " Elemental " ??, who can control fire, water , air Some mini-God that is charged with protecting humanity , in such a situation ? ... A being that controls flame can burn groups of vamps at a time ..
    I vote for Florence Welch !! as one ...

  • $27019454

    I'm so confused.

  • Dominic

    yes kling i already know u miss stuff
    which part actually confuses you ?
    Look up Florence and the Machine , if that was it . The Radio City Music Hall concert , where she's in a long-flowing white dress. Add the way her hair is styled , and she'd be a killer vamp at least ....

  • $27019454

    Thanks. Crystal clear.

  • There'll Be Pancakes

    I feel a little like I did after reading the epilogue of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Jesus Christ, are we sure this came from the same person? Season 6 was balls-out amazing, I was obsessed in a way I haven't been since Season 1 - so how the hell do we explain last night's crock of shite? First off, we only get ONE measly Warlow being evil scene?? That boy is sexy as hell and all season I wanted to see his bad side and it finally happens and it's literally the sum of about five minutes. And as a 5500 year old vampire, why wasn't he stronger, faster and with better instincts?

    Alcide?? Seriously? The plank of wood with eyes? That lumbering black hole of zero charisma? Bill back to being soppy? Violet, who is all yap, no snap? No more Rob Kazinsky to have lurid sexual dreams about?? PASS, True Blood. Fking pass.

  • rio

    True Blood, where even seeing Alexander Skarsgard's dick ends up being a disappointment.

  • Dominc

    lol did you want to see his erection ?
    FIRST OFF his wife would be PISSED ....

  • a blonde person

    . . . wife?

  • Dominic

    thought he was married ... love Google he's 1st on the list of Alexander - s broke up with Kate Bosworth in 2011 .... but i'm sure SOMEBODY's in a relationship with him , that would not like that particlar genitalia viewed by EVERYBODY ( the scene is also 1st up , on Googs ..)

  • Bert_McGurt

    Seems a little anticlimactic for Eric to give us the Mjolnir shot at the end there if that's not his final episode.

  • Sean

    I am still trying to figure out how Sam got elected to political office. Or a liquor license. Remember, he is living under a fake name. Sam Merlot doesn't really exist. I guess no one runs back ground checks.

  • ed newman

    I like to think that the new money in town, Arlene, bought the election for Sam. With the corruption history of LA politics, its about the least far fetched thing about this hot mess.

  • Nyltiak

    I live in Louisiana, and I have a hard time buying the whole "loner bar owner single dad with the "ethnic" baby mama gets elected to mayor in a small town. Just yeah. There's a small town near New Orleans which closed its public swimming pool rather than let black people in. In the 90s.

  • LucyKlein

    He probably doesn't have a high school degree or GED. He's shown zero political or even community involvement beyond owning bar. He lives in shady trailer next to said bar. Can you really go from all that to suddenly being elected mayor in 6 months?

    It's clearly just thrown out there to do something with Sam next season.
    I honestly don't think I'm going to watch the next season.

  • bcarter3

    Not really all that far-fetched, when you consider the career of Sarah Palin.

  • Sean

    But Palin at least had documents proving who she was. Records for all 5-6 colleges she flunked out of. The beauty pagents she was in. Even when she was fucking Glen Robinson back in college. People knew who she was. Sam Merlot is a non-entity.

  • Dominic

    He's NOT a non-entity in Bon Temps . You have forgotten that EVERYONE eats at Merlotte's . So he would be better known , I bet , than YOU know your congressman/mayor . That USED to be the way people got to be a mayor , being someone in the town everyone knows ..

    Think a little deeper before u savage somebody

  • manting

    remember that Alaska is like 10 men for every women. She is the hottest women in Alaska That's how she got elected.

  • $27019454

    Probably born in Kenya...

  • melissa82

    I just didn't understand the whole "Warlow died so the vamps immediately lost his fairy day walking powers" thing. Any other time they've killed a fairy (from draining their blood mostly) they were able to keep on keepin' on for a little bit in the sun. And Eric was one of those (when he killed Sookie's Fairy Godmother..) vamps, he should have known better than to lay out in the nude, with no coverage in sight.
    Re-reading that made me wonder why I'm thinking so hard about this show and it's plot inconsistencies. Vampires, and Fairies, and Hybrids, oh my!

  • Krissy

    Because Eric Northman reading in the nude is always worth a second and third thought.

  • emmalita

    That hat is one of the most horrific things I've ever seen on TB.

  • $27019454

    I'm embarrassed for her. Maybe I'm embarrassed for the hat. I can't tell. It's a whole-body embarrass. Clenched up.

  • LucLuc

    Sookie's style varies from little girl (anyone else remember that multi-colored hearts hoodie with her matching little girl braid) to grandma (that hat, that white night gown she wore back in season one, the shirt with two angels on it) to slutty (everything else).
    I think the idea is childlike=innocence, old lady=maturity.
    But it comes off as she has terrible taste in clothes.

  • Pyxee

    Actually Sookie's wardrobe is one of the very few things that seems to accurately carry over from the books. Everything she wears is god awful, except her bar uniform. The books spend a very unreasonable amount of time describing each outfit, they are all bad.

  • SteveSteveSteve

    So Jason's TV with rabbit ears gets MSNBC? Score! And what happened to Hep V killing in hours, as it did with Nora?

  • Morgan_LaFai

    Does anyone else get the feeling that True Blood just realized that vamps are out and zombies are in, and are trying to cash in while they can? Cause those were some serious zombie looking vamps.

    As for the Hep-V slowing down, that actually makes sense from a biological perspective. A virus needs to keep its victim alive long enough to spread to another. This is why viruses that jump species are usually so deadly to the new species but not to the original species. Anyhow, I can sort of get how that could happen.

    Final thoughts, ain't no body dead on tv, and 'specially on this show, until the body, or at least a pile of bloody goo, is on my screen.

  • Kristine

    Zombie Vampires. I approve.

    And also Eric. Best not be dead though. Pam will swoop in with a blanket.

  • Sean

    I assumed that EVERYONE thought that.

  • $27019454

    The episode did feel rushed, but I am nowhere near as revolted or pissed off as I was last year at this time. I am not that outraged if Eric is dead. If it was indeed his swan song, that is a very Alan Ball way to go out. I kind of like the lack of maudlin goodbye sentimental crap. Very Eric to just flame out. Also, it seems that maybe if he is really dead, the Crazy Eric Fans will find a new bone to gnaw on (…) and stop making the show all about one character and acting like the sun/moon rises and sets on whatever he does that day (or night). Yeah, he is a good character but, well, maybe it's just me, but I don't think one character "makes" a show. As for Sookie with Alcide…well we all know it cannot last, but seriously CAN YOU BLAME HER? Dull as a box of rocks but COME ON!!! My money is on next season to be its last, and Bill will be Sookie's endgame. He's looking pretty fucking slick lately. I would. Big time.

  • Lana

    When Skarsgard leaves the show and 90% of the audience leaves with him, you'll have to re-state your whole "not just about one character" thing.

  • mmtosl

    Yes... 90% of 4 million viewers only watch for Eric... um... not quite, sorry.
    Eric would be missed but it wouldn't destroy the show... and it doesn't matter because AS isn't going anywhere.

  • Dominic

    Thanks that was your best comment all season ! :o)) totally correct about Eric - this is what you get haters ! for wishing Nora reduced to bloody pieces all this time . Forgot how Eric would feel , and HAVE to be written as ... A human with that type of loss , after the "rage" stage , would feel untethered , and maybe take risks they'd get ' burned' for

  • a blonde person

    I was one of True Blood's staunchest fans at the beginning of the series, and by this season all I can do is yell "Seriously??" at the screen. I've watched in amazement as reviewers have talked about how this season renewed their interest. In my opinion, they jumped the shark early on, and by the finale they were jumping the entire Sharknado.
    I deeply miss the clever writing and coherent plot lines of the first few seasons.

  • James

    Well...they were never clever.
    But why does Sookie have to f*ck with everyone?

  • Sean

    I just assumed that she is working her way through attractive men. She is supposed to be in her very early 20s(although she no longer looks it). No one complains about Jason banging every female in town not related to him.

  • IngridToday

    My problem with Sookie is she keeps dating controlling violent assholes for no reason then beyond they tell her she's special. She gets in these terrible relationships then bitches and whines about it.
    Shes surprised Warlow is evil. Oh the guy who attempted to kidnap her as a child in order to rasie her until she's old enough to fuck and drain... that guy is evil? You mean the guy who murdered her parents, sent Niall to a hell dimensions, and threatened her in the bathroom? The hell you say.

  • LucLuc

    Jason is aware he's in terrible relationships. Sookie acts like it something that keeps unfairly happening to her.

  • Dominic

    But also it's part of her general narrative . A nieve young girl who THINKS she's wise 'cause she listens in everyone's head . And had to learn the hard way that men lie to you .She's a liittle more mature , but hey she ain't the only woman in the world attracted to bad boys .. AND if something DOESN'T happen to her , we don't have much of a show do we ??
    Remember that Jason also had to wise up about his behavior with the opposite sex

  • Dominic

    You're a bigger star after you hook up with the lead . which is what they keep denying Sam ...

  • emmalita

    "Jumping the Sharknado" should be added to the lexicon immediately.

  • Helo

    Ironically enough, Sharknado, in a way, was about sharks jumping.

  • John W

    SPOILERY!!!!!!!!!!

    With everyone prancing about I kept waiting for the music to Jesus Christ Superstar to kick in during last night's ep. Did they really kill Eric? Holy schnikes!

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