Crazy Ranking "True Blood": Billith Is a 'Naked, Evil Superman' Edition

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Crazy Ranking "True Blood": Billith Is a 'Naked, Evil Superman' Edition

By Sarah Carlson | TV Reviews | June 17, 2013 | Comments ()


For "True Blood's" Sixth Season, each week we'll review and rank the various raisin-cake plot developments of this bloody, campy drama. This post could get a bit NSFW, so be warned. Comments also won't be strictly policed because the series is so far off the source novels, spoilers are practically a moot point.

Welcome, Truebies and Newbies! "True Blood" is back for a new season after a frankly insane Season Five. Creator Alan Ball is gone, and his replacement Mark Hudis was himself replaced in March by new showrunner Brian Buckner, who has served as a writer/producer since the series' first season. This many turnovers usually isn't a good sign (see: uneven seasons with "The Walking Dead"), but perhaps Buckner can add some freshness to show. Picking up immediately where last season left off, "Who Are You, Really?" moved around enough chess pieces to keep things fairly interesting and finally introduced Warlow, played by Rutger Hauer. It also set up nicely the burgeoning war of humans versus vampires and the world of hurt heading the undead's way with curfews and shutdowns of their businesses. Louisiana's Governor Burrell (Arliss Howard) is ready to use the situation to his advantage, and surely no one will make it through the season unscathed.

Viewers who tuned in early for last night's season premiere were greeted to some delightully awkward and forced conversations among the cast members and host Rhetta for a live special. This ploy definitely didn't feel in line with HBO and its other major shows; you don't often see the network begging for better ratings. At least the special provided opportunity for us to witness the actors goofing around:


On to the episode, "Who Are You, Really?":

5. Sookie's faceplant into vampire goo felt like fan service. Sometimes, it's just nice to see her taken down a notch.


4. We also got several dramatic fang-retraction moments, which manage to be both attractive and ridiculous. Bill forcing Eric into submission may have been my favorite.


3. Even funnier is what happens when a vampire's invitation to a home is rescinded. Even Alexander Skarsgård can't look cool as he slow-motion glides out a door.


2. Bill's Lilithy reincarnation is worrisome, given that he can apparently kill another being in a flash and can't be killed via stake. Is he some sort of vampire Messiah? (Remember: God is a vampire, and in the beginning he created Lilith in his image, then created humans to serve as food for vamps. It is known.)




The entire stake sequence was pretty cool.

1. The werewolves win this episode, however, firstly for their clothes-ripping and body-part-gnawing activities.


The "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" can-do attitude was the most entertaining, as Alcide's hook-up in the woods quickly turned into a threesome. Just remember who your top b*tch is, pack leader. (NSFW: We got some serious butt shots, too.)


Pam and Lafayette's Best Lines


  • 'Is this about your girlfriend turning into Steve Newlin? Because that was the sickest sh*t I've seen on TV, and I watch "Dance Moms."

  • "You want somethin' deep-fried, dipped in sugar and fried all over again?"

  • "Wrong place at the wrong f**kin' time oughta be my middle f**kin' name."


  • "Honey, I don't know about the world, but I'm about to end your face."

  • "Who the f**k is Mary Poppins, and can I please kill her?"

  • "Oh honey. This isn't going to be some f**kin' epic love story."



Major Death

So long, Luna. Her death would have meant more to viewers if it had come last season as we watched her and Sam struggle to find Emma. Here, she wasn't given much fanfare, which is a shame.


Lasting Image

He knows how to gaze, this one.


Final Thoughts

Even vampires don't look graceful when they hurl.


Sarah Carlson is a TV Critic for Pajiba. She lives in San Antonio. You can find her on Twitter.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • St

    I was bored with first episode. True Blood turned on that show that we don’t wait too hard for every year. But we watch anyway when it comes out. Sam’s storyline is boring as always. I wonder why he is still on the show.
    I Fast-Forwarded every scene with Alcide and his wolf stuff. Because it’s boring, Alcide is awful and it’s not like I will miss anything because Alcide’s story never relates on main plot and basically has no connection to other characters on True Blood.

    I’m even offended at creators that they stick that Joe Manganiello guy every season when no one cares about him. He is weak actor, has no presence. And the whole wolf pack story is uninteresting. Is it third year that they stick those wolfs in our faces? I don’t give a crap what is happening there.

    And all other characters are basically where we left them. I don’t know. I was just bored by this episode. They try to make happen this new big villain Warlow. But it looks forced. And Jason shooting all those superfast vampires? He would not stand 30 seconds. They would kill him because they are 10 times faster. That was just offensive to viewers.

    And there was some Governor lame story. No, still not interested. It’s like True Blood lost it’s sparkle. I wonder about the ratings this season.
    Pam was good as always. And there were so much lines and screen time for her. That I was even surprised. Usually she gats less.

    I thought Sam’s girlfriend was dead in last season finale. Was even surprised to see her.

  • Dominic

    LOL of course the characters are where we left them because it's a CONTINUATION of the last episode of Season 5

    And Alcide was relevant from Season 3 on , tied to Sookie , And Debbie Pelt , if you remember the flashback from last season that introduced Robert Patrick ( Epis 10 ? ) The wolves were tied to Russell ,. remember from Season 3 , the first time you saw Russell feed them ? them spinning out of control was to mirror the vamps of the "Authority " doing the same . "hunting a human track star "( high on V ) = "bombing TrueBlood factories " i.e. : harming your own cause ...

    " some Governor lame story ". lol guess what ?? If you lived among hungry vamps , you'd want your government to be in firmer control too . Or did you miss that this was the same conclusion Jason had come to ? This arc mirrors where Jason's head is at ...Fear turns to hatred turns to retaliatory aggression . A VERY old , very human story ( what' going on in the Middle East right now ?? hmm Russell was like an iman , and the wolves his uneducated syncophants ... . The writers always draw parallels from the real world as inspiration)

    Stop watching this show .

    Cause you obviously don't get what the writers are doing and where they are going ...
    If u hate it this much , don't waste the hour of your life

  • Dominic

    I missed this ....
    " Warlow looks forced " NO it's a new thread on the "why were their parents killed " arc .And it goes all the way back to Claudine . you could even say the introduction of the dancing fairies set this up . How else would they have a reason to look for what became the "contract " . And you forgot the scene in Sookie's bathroom where Warlow says he's coming . If they hadn't introduced a live version of him , you'd probably be moaning about them forgetting this arc...
    Hmm I HALF agree with you about Vamps being too fast . BUT if u remember the layout of the reception area , he's shooting at the NARROW doorways thru which only 1 vamp can come thru at a time . Anticipate , fire early . U have a valid point , but they set it up to SEEM plausible , so i won't call it a script blunder . Just stretching it thin . like most TV shows ...

  • Maguita NYC

    I really enjoy your over-the-top passion for a so-so show. In all honesty, I find you very fun to read and you do remind us somehow why we used to love True Blood.

    You are like the Twihard of True Blood. What would be an appropriate portmanteau for a super fan like yourself?

    TBThursty? Anticoagulant? Fangbanger is too horny, how about Fangcoiter? Or BonTimer?

    Can't wait to read your comments next week!

  • Dominic

    ,<= prefer Wolverine's "fangs" i.e. his claws ...

    No I just get tired of people hating on movies/TV shows when from their comments it's obvious they don't know what they're watching . So of COURSE they hate it ! And the writers need to be given more credit . I think season 1 was a stand-alone season , but after that 3-4 of each season's storylines have been used to set up the next season's action . Or next season's character growth . Jason , as a character ,has evolved so far from the " stud jock' . Starting from him shooting Iggs , and needing almost the whole next season to admit it ..I think the WRITING team does a great job . Then it's the actors that can pull this camp off ( Dennis ! ) ....

    Hmmm as much as I love Anna ( and btw , doesn't look skinny/face thin and drawn in the preview scenes ? Did she lose her baby fat too fast ... ), I think my "superfan" name would have to be " Jessica's Biggest Fan" :o) Should I blog that ?....

  • duckandcover

    I thought God was a DJ.

  • larissa

    I love Pam, but she kind of annoyed me in this episode, bit whiney whiney, not all sassy pants.
    This season is going to have to work hard making love it again, not just watch it for the Viking flavoured goodness.

  • Dominic

    She was under some stress too btw .Humans react to stress differently , Vamps no different . She was sassy with Tara ; but if u were a vamp and YOUR Maker left like Eric , you'd feel out of sorts and needy too .... this season is HUMAN-flavored goodness . or maybe badness :o)

    There was plenty to love Season 5 . Especially from episodes 10-12 , the episodes which validate all the stuff from episodes 1-9 which the haters savaged

  • Jim

    Love Pam so much - kinda reminds me of Mom. (LONG story there.)

  • MrsAtaxxia

    Pam is the bitch we all wish we could be.

  • Was: a fan

    Am: a hate watcher

    So so so many reasons.

    1) They've made the pack/Alcide's story so irrelevant, humorless, and soul-free that I'm actually bored by the sight of manganiello's ass.

    2) Sookie. Seriously woman - the only thing that made you interesting was the fact that Eric was generally hanging about sans clothing.

    3) Jason Stackhouse - We get that you are mentally non-functional but even you should have known better. Rutger oozes menace, it's his gift. Don't get in the car and if you DO, try not to spill every family secret you have. Woops! Too late.

    Lafayette and Andy are awesome. Also want to nominate Arlene for best line of the night: "If you stick Mr Happy in somebody's hoo haw, babies come out."

  • Dominic

    ahh consider

    1) humorless MAYBE irrelevant no . And the trials dealing with JD last season were to prep YOU/us for this season when the Pack IS relevant with him as leader . Alcide REGAINS his soul as Pack Leader , and maybe redeems his father's as well ...

    2) I think this is just a girl thing between you and her . Sookie's written stupid at times , but her character has grown as a person just as much as anybody else . Not interesting ? She's a metaphor for how humans and vamps SHOULD get along . You could have everyone else , and without Anna playing the naive flower about to bud , the show doesn't make it ... no guy is going to say watching her is not interesting :o)

    3 ) himm ur too rough . If you watch some of the behind-the-scenes vignettes , all the writers talk about how they are in awe of how Ryan can play him . How he can look perfectly natural saying something country-stupid . And not act like he's in on the joke . Like riles above , u forget what they went thru MINUTES before in showtime . he couldn't let loose with Sookie or the vamps . So when he sees a grey-haired grandfather-type guy , he feels safe to babble .and relieve the stress
    agree with the last . Whoever decided Bauer's role should be amplified to show his skills better , shoulda got a BIG bonus

  • badthings

    I don't think we met Warlow... but that's just my opinion.

  • RilesSD

    I still love the show, but I realized after it was over that literally nothing happened with the storyline of the Sookie/Eric group. All they did was talk about what to do next, and fight with Pam about what they were doing, but nothing progressed. They ended up at Bill's house, and talked for a second and were kicked out. Which is fine, and par for this show, just saying.

    Andy's reaction when his babies woke him up and were suddenly little girls was fucking hilarious. Need a gif of that please!!

  • Dominic

    Pal Pal the action was in the LAST episode , last year . After confronting death , of course you're going to babble a lot , trying to get a grip . As Sarah noted , this episode was mostly about Bill ( picking up where Season 5 left off ) handling god powers . I thought they could have done the crazed-vamp killing all in sight thing , and THAT would be the last straw for the Mayor . But Stephen ain't getting bounced off. the show Epis 1 . esp since Janiva WAS ....

    f you knew ur TrueBlood , you'd know that the 1st show of EVERY season is slow ( god , try to watch Season 1 episode 1 again ! knowing what you know now ) . So actually this episode had more tension and drama than any other 1st episode - maybe 5's is close .

    Give the writers more credit , people . If you watch Season 3 again , you see all the seeds sown there , which bore fruit in Seasons 4 and 5 and led to this season's focus ( humans fighting back ) . People forget that the main premise of the show is : How are humans going to survive/live being among vamps ? blood and guts and violence are the medium thru which the story is told

  • RilesSD

    I agree with everything you said. As I noted, I love the show. This first ep back didn't diminish that at all. I thought it was funny though that it was so hectic and it seemed that a lot was going on, but nothing really happened.

  • Dominic

    :o)) credit the writers then .. like I said tho every 1st episode is slow . Some interesting groundwork was set tho . Will Sookie be able to resist Warlo ? ( not if those "stripping to bra-and-panties " scenes in the "This Season " preview mean anything ) Will it end up being the OTHER supernaturals " ( werewolves, shifters) that rescue vampires ? How long will Jessica " dance with the devil " ( Bill) ? ..

  • Ian Fay

    So, quick question:

    Were Pam and Tara getting it on after their little heart to heart on the beach?

    Because in the next scene, when they come back, she's clearly adjusting her clothes as if they got interrupted or had to rejoin the group in a hurry.

  • RilesSD

    That's what I took from it!

  • Maguita NYC

    I always have a quickie-on-the-spot whenever my maker gets me out of jail. Don't you?

  • Mrs. Julien

    That Crazed Orc gif of Mangojello just officially killed his appeal for me. I don't know if that makes me less shallow or more shallow.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Somewhere in Bon Temps, there's a wolf-grandma sitting in her trailer sewing buttons back onto shirts and going "How come y'all tough bastards can't undress like a NORMAL werewolf?"

  • dizzylucy

    Alcide's face during the shirt ripping cracks me up, and I don't think that's the reaction they were looking for. Same with Eric gliding out the door, but I bet the actors cracked up after that one. And the gazing makes up for it.

    Let's hope Luna's unceremonious "it's dead"/next scene is the start of some cast thinning. Or at the very least some plot line thinning.

  • Rubyslippers

    Rutger isn't just playing Warlow. He is also playing Niall, Sookie and Jason's "Fairy" great-grandfather. That should keep things lively.

  • Maguita NYC

    He's playing Niall?? I always thought Niall would look like a distinguished Richard Chamberlain type of older man, not Hauer.

  • LP

    Agreed. But they've got him listed as Niall/Warlow. Interesting.

  • buell

    The best part of True Blood last night was Andy and his soon to be teenage daughters. But I also like the way they worked The Hitcher movie into the show with Warlow (Rutger Hauer) picking up Jason hitchhiking.

  • Palaeologos

    That Hitcher reference was the best inside joke on the series, evar.

  • MrsAtaxxia

    Oh Lafayette "...and we gonna do something about your hair too." You remain the VERY BEST part of this show. Never change Lala, you are perfect.

  • Jim

    Lala referring to Sam as "Hunty" made me spit-take.

  • MrsAtaxxia

    I would watch Dance Moms if I could watch with Lala, just for the commentary, cause you know that shit is CHOICE.

  • Jim

    And Drag Race too, of course - the SHADE of it ALL

  • MrsAtaxxia

    Jesus, I think I would seizure from the fabulosity of it all.

  • firedmyass

    I completely and utterly agree with this opinion. I... I'm unsure how to proceed.

  • Ash

    Thank you for this. Those .gifs made me laugh out loud, especially the one of Eric slowly skateboarding backwards out of the room without changing his expression. Hilarious.
    Now I don't have to watch the episode.

  • gp

    i can't believe how much i DON'T like joe manganiello's ass.

  • Drake

    I still don't care much for the character, nor am I impressed by the actor, but his ass is beyond reproach. May I check your gaycard to see if it has expired?

  • e jerry powell

    Joe Manganiello's ass causes the earth to rotate on its axis, and don't you forget it.

  • firedmyass

    I'm straight, and even I am baffled by this statement.

  • Maguita NYC

    The first 35 minutes I honestly wondered if I was high; Eating a grilled cheese while watching Alcide eat his hand sandwich.

    I like though how they've opted to tone down the Lilith takeover, and not have Bihhl go on a killing rampage and decimate the city. The worst offenders were Pam and Sookie. Sookie for once again rescinding her invitation to Eric, when we all know she'll be re-inviting him into her house come next episode. And Pam for disappointingly not being her sassy self putting Eric back in his place as she used to. She was clingy in a way that made me wince.

    I want my cheeky Pam back.

  • kushiro -

    Sorry to see Shiva go. Her story was dull, but so good to look at.

    Re Sookie/Eric: Anyone else reminded of this?

  • Bert_McGurt

    Actually, I was reminded of this:

  • Sarah Carlson

    Me too!

  • Maguita NYC

    It was just odd to watch. Eric sliding smoothly backwards before the door shuts in his face. Loved the goodbyes through the window lace though.

  • IngridToday

    I couldn't help but laugh. I thought they did this before and the person ran outside or something.

    Why did the door open? Is magic just that considerate?

    I completely forgot about Luna. I only remembered her daughter, because she was Steve and Russell's pet.

  • Rocabarra

    I think I was most excited to turn up the volume for the intro sequence. HBO, never stop making such awesome intros for your shows.

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