web counter
 

Cabbage Patch Kids to Get Own TV Special: Because Now You're Just F*cking With Us

By Courtney Enlow | Posted Under TV Reviews | Comments (14)

cabbage-patch.jpg

When it was announced a couple years ago that Hasbro had launched a production company with Paramount and was in the process of creating movies based up on its lines of toys and games, every single product, when mentioned in the context of a potential movie franchise, sounded completely batballs ridiculous. And still does. Time and an actual film will not somehow magically make me feel as though the tale of Stretch Armstrong requires not only a film, but a film to squishify young girls by enlisting that Na’vi boy they’re trying to make a sexy thing.

But this one…it’s as though it should make the most sense. And because of that it makes the least.

Accorcding to THR, “Original Appalachian Artworks, which owns the brand, said Monday it has sold TV rights to Walker along with CWA Carlin West Agency, a company created by Carlin West, a former executive with 4Kids Entertainment.”

You know what? Comparatively speaking, I’m now seeing some understandable potential in Battleship and Monopoly. Those are games and the options are pretty open as to what they can do with them. But, Cabbage Patch Dolls. Cabbage Patch Dolls.

There are some things that should stay ensconced in the realm of the ’80s. Things like Red Dawn, Valley Girl and Girls Just Want To Have Fun, all in talks to be remade, none of which make sense outside of their goddamn decade. The Cabbage Patch Kids exist inside a bubble of nostalgia, and are goofy as shit outside of it. These are dolls that were created to teach kids about adoption while still designed to completely leave out that icky sex part, and they were all branded with tramp stamps. As soon as you bring them into any other point in time, a time in which these things are not universally understood as perfectly acceptable, the need is in place to completely rejigger or reboot their backstory.

Also, you know they’re totally going to tart these things up. Look at what they did to Strawberry Shortcake. Dolls cannot just be left ugly (and ugly they are). They’re going to make them cute. Hot, even.

Sigh.









Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance

← Stop. . .Talking. Al Bundy And Rob Lowe Prove They Should Never Go Off Book | 8 Movies You May Not Have Realized Featured January Jones →









Comments

HOLY FRIJOLES.

I just opened up Pajiba in my browser to find a GIANT CABBAGE PATCH FACE staring at me. Thank you guys for that. That was my adrenaline rush for the day.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at June 14, 2011 2:04 PM

AvB,

Stop being in my head. Seriously, all I can really say about this article is: THAT PICTURE!! MY GOD, THAT PICTURE!!

Make it stop!

Posted by: MM at June 14, 2011 2:05 PM

It's just that it's SO BIG, and SO CLOSE UP.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at June 14, 2011 2:14 PM

I have HATED Cabbage Patch Kids my whole life, and nothing will ever change that. The only good thing they ever resulted in was Garbage Pail Kids.

Posted by: Todd at June 14, 2011 2:27 PM

Why does it keep looking at me?

Posted by: Dingle Berry at June 14, 2011 2:51 PM

AvB & MM - Oh, thank God. I thought it was only going to be me that died a little when I saw that header pic. So, so creepy.

Posted by: elleyezee at June 14, 2011 2:54 PM

Makes one pine for the classic Pajiba header pic of the evil ovaries-scaring baby.

Posted by: bleujayone at June 14, 2011 3:03 PM

The EYES ... the EYES follow you around, those soulless, dead eyes ...

After this, At the Mountains of Madness will be like a walk in the fricking park.

Better yet, combine the two! At the Big Rock Candy Mountain of Madness, featuring the cute pastel Thing with tentacles that smell of strawberry bubble gum!

Posted by: The Wanderer at June 14, 2011 3:24 PM

Posted by: The Wanderer

"The EYES ... the EYES follow you around, those soulless, dead eyes ..."


... he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be living... until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'. The ocean turns red, and despite all the poundin' and the hollerin', they all come in and they... rip you to pieces.

Yeah. Fuck the Cabbage Patch Kids. Goddamn plush instruments of death, that's what they are.

Posted by: Groundloop at June 14, 2011 3:35 PM

They say the eyes are the window to the soul... in some cases, they are simply the window into the soulless abyss. {shiver}

Posted by: MM at June 14, 2011 4:12 PM

a friend of mine just produced a short film about abandoned cabbage patch kids. in the creator's words: This satirical comedy-meets-musical clashes the folklore of Soviet era oppression with the mindless, excessive consumerism of the 1980′s.

http://patchtown-themovie.com/about-the-film

Posted by: celery at June 14, 2011 5:43 PM

C'mon guys, this can't be a huge surprise here.

I mean the Rubik's Cube was a cartoon back in the day. "Rubik The Amazing Cube". Hell it was so bad even *I* don't remember the premise. And I remember "Turbo Teen", damnit.

Yeah I said it.

So if there can be a "Rubik The Amazing Cube", there can be a Cabbage Patch TV series. Crazy, staring Cabbage Patch kids weekly on your TV...

Posted by: Green Lantern at June 14, 2011 10:28 PM

As I recall from the long-ago, heady days of my youth, a Cabbage Patch Doll was one of the most lethal and downright deadly weapons readily available to children in my neighbourhood.

Their bodies may have been soft and skooshy, but those plastic skulls, if swung correctly, could drop a six year-old in his tracks like almost nothing else.

Sure a baseball bat or a well-wielded set of lawn darts were pretty dangerous in the right hands, but the Cabbage Patch Doll had a certain cachet to it. Being on the receiving end of a Cabbage Patch beating wasn't just painful and debilitating, it was humiliating.

*happy sigh* Ahhh, those were better days.

Let me know when they start talking about doing a special on Big Wheels so I can contact them and wax poetic for days on the wonders and delights of the Green Machine.

That thing is, to this day, the best vehicle I have ever had the privilege of riding. This on a list that includes a T-34 tank, boeing 737, hot air balloon, whitewater raft, bumper cars, go carts, canoes and a Ural motorcycle. Nothing compares to the simple joys I recall of pedalling furiously down the street, slamming the steering around and spraying my brother and sister with a spray of dust and gravel as I did a 180 and took off again.

Posted by: Uncommoner at June 15, 2011 12:09 AM

Good day! This is my first visit to your blog! We are a collection of volunteers and starting a new initiative in a community in the same niche. Your blog provided us useful information to work on. You have done a wonderful job!

Posted by: Jumbo Loans St Louis at July 22, 2011 3:33 PM