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Crazy Awesome Ranking "True Blood": 'Just Me, This Blunt and My Glue Gun' Edition

By Sarah Carlson | TV Reviews | July 23, 2013 | Comments ()


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For “True Blood’s” Sixth Season, each week we’ll review and rank the various raisin-cake plot developments of this bloody, campy drama. This post could get a bit NSFW, so be warned. Comments also won’t be strictly policed because the series is so far off the source novels, spoilers are practically a moot point.

Yes, “True Blood” deserves to be Awesome Ranked this week. Only four episodes remain in “True Blood’s” shortened and fairly redemptive Season Six, but the body count already is high. Both deaths in the very strong “Don’t You Feel Me?” came surprisingly quickly; the Governor surely hadn’t unleashed everything he had planned before Bill decapitated him after slaughtering his guards, and the lead-up to poor Terry’s death was short as well. More on him later, but I at least hope some sort of closure is in store for Arlene. Everything is clicking along perfectly, with all roads leading to a showdown at Vamp Camp, and with each episode, I am enjoying this season of “True Blood” much more than the previous several seasons.

In the less interesting plots, Andy helped his surviving fairy daughter come up with a name (or four of them, three to honor her dead sisters), and to save time, she will hence be referred to as A.B.C.D.; Sam returned Emma to her grandmother, Martha, and once Alcide tracked him down, he actually didn’t kill him for it; and Nicole is still along for the ride. The shifters and werewolves just can’t catch a good storyline break.

On to the best parts of the episode:

5. As if the experiments the government is running on the captured vampires weren’t bad enough, people like Sarah Newlin bring an entirely new level of cruelty to the proceedings. Poor Jessica is down so low she thinks she deserves the treatment, but thankfully she was spared from the copulation study.

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Also, I’m gonna need James (Luke Grimes) to be a recurring character.

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4. As expected, Eric and Pam found an interesting way to avoid fighting to the death, and not since Independence Day has a body been so effectively flung at and pressed up against glass to make a point.

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3. Billith had his fair share of theatrics, from (thanks to Warlow’s blood) walking in the sunlight to withstanding a barrage of bullets to the most impressive stunt of turning the Governor’s guards’ guns against themselves and ordering them to fire.

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2. And secondly, with ripping off the Governor’s head and leaving it at the foot of his statue.

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1. Sookie and Ben/Warlow get the top spot, however.

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Sookie has got herself a reputation, and apparently, she is ready to embrace it. “There’s a pattern that’s starting to emerge, so maybe it’s time I started to accept this about myself,” she tells Warlow, right before she has sex with him. I can’t argue with her; something about Benlow feels genuine, and considering how insane her life already is — she did just learn her father tried to kill her, and her first vampire ex believes he’s a prophet — giving in to her feelings seems downright rational. He’s a halfling, like her, and they’ve got a connection she’s never before experienced. Go for it, Sookie. However, you can’t stay hidden in Fairyland forever.

Major Death

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Fare thee well, Terry Bellefleur. I hadn’t expected him to go so quickly — an original cast member, and one of the only human characters left — and especially not so tragically. Having his memory erased by a vampire, thanks to a well-meaning Arlene and Holly, was a fitting twist to the storyline. They relied on the supernatural to provide a quick fix to the problem of Terry wanting to die, but little did they know that by having his mind cleared of his life at war, he would also forget asking his old Marine friend, Justin, to do him in. We assume it was Justin who pulled the trigger out behind Merlotte’s, clueless as to Terry’s new upbeat — you could say brainwashed — attitude. His death is sad, but perhaps it is not as sad as the thought of him living a lie. At least he and Arlene had a touching goodbye, a poignant moment in a sea of crazy.

And It’s Not Looking Good For …

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Nora and potentially a hell of a lot of vamps: This “Hepatitis V” (I just can’t even go there) the government has concocted has not only been injected into Eric’s sister but into tons of Tru Blood bottles about to make their way into society. No telling if there’s a cure.

Best Lines

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  • Lafayette: “So let me get this hetero straight. So you’s a vampire that can come out in the daytime?” Sookie: “Yeah, in a nutshell.” Lafayette: “Oh, there goes the damn neighborhood.”
  • Lafayette: “Just me, a blunt and my glue gun.”
  • Sarah: “What the hell do you think you’re doin’?” Jason: “Grabbin’ you by your pretty little Texas balls.”
  • Willa: “I’m dead, and you’re still over-protective. Isn’t that just perfect?”
  • Eric: “Fantastico!”
  • Sookie: “I might be a whore, but I ain’t stupid.”

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Final Thoughts

I’m just saying: It wouldn’t hurt to add another vampire to the mix, now would it?

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Sarah Carlson is a TV Critic for Pajiba. She lives in San Antonio. You can find her on Twitter.




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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • nina

    Luke Grimes is perfect as James : apart from being completely drool-worthy (but that's just normal in this show), he seems to litterlly glow with kindness. I swear, when the "copulation experiment" was starting, i was thinking, "well, he seems nice, but we know how thats' gonna end, that's gonna be painful and degrading for them if they're "human", but what the hell, they're gonna do it anyway". Then he talked and I was like "is he a vampire ? isn't he a stray puppy that i need to comfort and just... James, will you hug me?"
    So, from my reaction, i ould say that 1) James is a gooooooooooooood character (plus like some said he really brings out deborah ann woll's acting skills, she is amazing) and 2) yay luke grimes !

  • Dominic

    Is this the " Sookie gets her empowerment back " or " One down , 13 to go ... " episode ?
    There's 14 core characters
    I think this is as FAR from Charlaine's Sookie as these writers can get ....
    So please stop wishing for them to follow Charlaine ....
    " Tell him to get the fuk outta my life . Forever "
    " You Assured me this was going to be violent "
    Glad they kept Pam in the '"Family " Eric's got a female posse now ....
    "All You Haters Are Happy " Part 1 : Nora may die ..
    " All of 'em . Next Question " loved Ryan AGAIN this episode ...
    ' If you don't want to hurt me , why don't you . just ....not ?? "
    How did they decide which of Andy's fairy kids to keep ? the actor , I mean .
    I think I would have kept " Charlene " ....
    How'd you like to have a gay vampire owe you a favor ??
    " I ain't that special "
    ' The BLONDE took our salvation "
    "...Grabbin ' you by your pretty Texas Balls ..."
    ' I'll tell them what a WHORE for Christ you are "
    So tey let Amelie show off a little bit . Good facials . For most of the cast , really
    " You were either going to make the worst or the best decision of your life . Either way I was gonna be here to watch it "
    Hopefully , sometime nex season ( if there is one ) they evolve Jessica past this martyr complex . Into atheism prob
    Anna Camp acts this religious role so devilish .
    Let's see : Anna's back , and Terry's gone . Something should happen to the wolves next , since most of their arc just
    ended . Gee , I guess the writers DO read these Forums ! ...All You Haters BETTER Be Happy Pt 2
    Governor's death scene : awesome . Couldn't they have kept Arliss in the mix longer ?
    Things are still progressing .... to death for everyone ....
    Why are Willa's fangs wider than everyone else's ?. Maybe they had dental issues.fitting her , which is why you didn't see
    hers in some scenes last two weeks ..

  • I'm loving Anna Camp... A pissed off Mrs. Newlin has been good for the show.

  • hickoryduck

    No love for my favorite line, "Are you mad that I turned your daughter into my daughter"?

    I actually "awwwww snap"ed at that.

  • sara

    No way Warlow is "genuine" has everyone forgotten that he drained poor Granpa Niall and stuck him in some other dimension? That whole last season was a big bunch of "HELL NAW"

  • Maguita NYC

    Embrace the campy Sara, just submit to it and embrace the campy.

  • sara

    I mean to say that whole last SCENE was ridiculous (even though yes last season as well but that wasn't my point). I love the campiness of the show, I just can't get on the Warlow bandwagon. Dude is 5,000+ years old and sounds desperate. No me gusta.

  • $27019454

    I agree: Not a fan and I don't think we can trust him.

  • melissa82

    Oh you've gotten your wish, at least for a second episode - - Luke Grimes is scheduled to appear again, Jessica shows her appreciation for him being a bad ass --- and the description of his character is far too fleshed out to just be on it for 2 episodes (I hope I hope): "True Blood has tapped Brothers & Sisters alum Luke Grimes play the recurring role of James, a circa ’70s-made vamp who is smart, spiritual and emotionally deeper than any other bloodsucker we’ve seen before..."

  • Sarah Carlson

    Nice!

  • Dominic

    A man Jessica so desperately needs , to straighten her head out , before she goes religiously psycho . The Older Man ...

  • Maguita NYC

    Thank you for this. Finally, a man worthy of Jessica!

  • MrsAtaxxia

    Yay! Thanks for the info.

  • Fruity Fonzie

    having some pointless characters *cough*Alcide*cough* they choose to kill one of the sweetest... damn you true blood writers

    srsly... who gives a crap about the werewolves plot anymore?

  • foolsage

    I don't think Terry was "one of the sweetest" characters on the show; I think he was the sweetest by a huge margin. R.I.P. Terry Bellefleur.

  • Maguita NYC

    Rivaled only by Andy Bellefleur.

  • foolsage

    Andy has a good heart, agreed.

  • IngridToday

    Isn't Warlow/Ben, Sookie's great-grandfather?

  • Maguita NYC

    No it's Niall. Who was thrown back into a portal by Ben.

    Wow. Typing this sentence and the fact that I understood it made my head spin.

  • foolsage

    Right. Warlow was from the same village (and same royal fairy blood) as Niall, who is Sookie's paternal great-grandfather. Warlow wants to marry Sookie because she's the firstborn female from his own clan.

  • Jim

    How about a "PEZ Dispenser" job for Sarah Newlin? Can we start a petition or a telethon or something?

  • La-la in a caftan is always a great choice. He's been used perfectly all season, though I'm surprised he even bothers to open his front door anymore. No good ever comes of it.

    "I'm a vampire, not a rapist." was a good line for highlighting how inhuman the humans at vamp camp are. I mean, it was obvious from the whole poisoning thing, but there was something more pointed about James' moral objection.

    I suspect folks have underestimated Sarah Newlin all her life. I don't think it's wise of Jason to do so, but that boy has zero sense, so at least his folly is in character. Can't wait to see how all the schemes to free various vampires play out. Also, I'm all for a great big explosion of that factory as the denouement, because this season has been remarkably explosion free thus far.

  • Maguita NYC

    I believe the gore is usually throughout the season, the explosions are left for the ending.

    Also, I really do hope Sookie becomes a vampire. There really is nothing more for her to do, unless she completely looses her skills and becomes ordinary.

  • foolsage

    I mostly agree. That is to say, I think Sookie would become a more interesting character if she fell in love with Warlow and became his vamp-fae bride. However, having a perfect couple in the middle of this mess would quickly become boring; since they'd feed off each other there'd be none of the pathos of the eternal hunger and the drive to hurt others in order to feed oneself. Soooo… I think, for narrative purposes, Warlow ought to turn Sookie, then he should die.

  • Maguita NYC

    Why do you want to kill off the first man Sookie has ever had real chemistry with. Off with Bill's head instead!

  • Dominic

    Because that's the way soap operas are . You NEVER stay with the one best for you . fs is correct about the lessening of drama

  • foolsage

    Welllllllll, Sookie and Bill are married in real life, so I expect him to remain around the show as long as she does. While I enjoy the Lilith story, I don't want it to continue for more than another season as I think it'd get quite old. Having Warlow around makes it harder for the writers to end the Lilith storyline, frankly.

    All my reasons are metatextual. ;)

  • $27019454

    Gotta disagree w you there. Lots of chemistry with Sam AND Bill in S1.

  • foolsage

    I quite liked the chemistry between Sookie and amnesia-Eric, for that matter.

  • $27019454

    I have heard some people say that, but to me it seemed creepy. He was so childish/like.

  • foolsage

    Fair point. I was thinking more of the point where Eric is starting to realize that he used to be a not-so-nice person and doesn't want to become that person again. He was less childlike at that point and more in a transitional phase.

  • $27019454

    I think I have blocked out most of that wretched, wretched season...

  • Maguita NYC

    Sookie and Eric had great chemistry until they had sex.

    Never ever a woman looked more bored during the act. Remember how she would look to the side as in prayer "when is this gonna end"?

    The only good thing about the Sookie and Eric hook-up was getting a better view of Skarsgard's ass.

  • sara

    Sookie and Eric had tons of chemistry up to season 4. In my own mind I've concocted up this whole story about how Anna is bitter that Alexander stole all the attention away from Beel (she's always seemed kind of cold toward him even though Alex and Stephen are super friendly). That could all be in my head though.

  • $27019454

    I upvoted you because I agree that this might all be in your head.

  • Maguita NYC

    Nu-uh. The sex was bad. Very bad. And not in a sexy bad way.

    Odd though regarding your perception of that trio; For always found Anna to give Alexander much more attention during promos, and a tad cold towards her own husband. Then again, it is all perception.

  • foolsage

    I wondered at the time if Stephen Moyer was just off-camera making Anna anxious during that scene.

  • Maguita NYC

    Bill yes, Sam no. Sam felt more like a stalker. Some might like that I agree, but no.

    The moment Bill and Sookie broke up, it was over for Bill unfortunately.

  • $27019454

    I think we need to agree to disagree on this one.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Yeah, if the Vampire Diaries is willing to commit to vamping their lead, True Blood should just follow suit. Hell, it's arguably a little more interesting here than there.

    As to Jason's lack of sense, it's rivaled only by Sarah's evident urge to pointless vindictiveness. Presumably she could have had Jason assigned as far away from vamp camp as possible and rendered him useless, but instead she decided to let him into the heart of the operation just to fuck with him. She's underestimating him at least as much as he is her.

  • $27019454

    Bill totally ruled this episode.

  • Maguita NYC

    Well... It was good that he finally was interesting to watch, but I felt this episode belonged to Jason.

    Jason who not even a week ago was sprouting the most hateful shit ever, has the gull to shake his head and judge the others in disgust. Loved his naive yet macho performance.

  • Dominic

    This is SOOKIE's episode . Pretty much the last 3 episodes ,as this arc has spotlighted her connection to another vamp ( half -vamp ) who is also fae , and thus part of both main storylines ... How will the Princess of the Fae feel about the banishment of King Niall , tho , is the next drama ..
    Jason 2nd Bill 3nd . And I would say Willa 4th , but Eric finding the reason to NOT escape is key . ( not before blowing up the infected TB ) puts him above . next Jessica then Sarah then Terry ....

  • Bert_McGurt

    Pale hot redheads in distress tend to have that effect on some guys.

  • MrsAtaxxia

    Now if the warewolves could just go away....I am actually invested in all the other stories! Which hasn't happened in YEARS. But damn Alcide, I just do not give a shit anymore. I too am in favor of more James/Luke Grimes. He is delicious.

    Cosplay Eric is my favorite Eric.

  • Am I missing something or was the entire "rescue Emma from pack, give Emma back to Grandma" story a pointless plot cul-de-sack? Do we care about the Friday Light Nights girl and her wolf-chow friends and their gambit to "out" the shifters?

    Ah, conflicted Alcide who yearned secretly for Sookie, how I miss you. Ah stupid can't keep his pack in check angry one-note acting Alcide, how I hate you.

  • Dominic

    It seems pointless NOW . But it's a dying wish from your about-to-croak GF ; how ya gonna NOT try .??
    And it was out all the supes . which is why they stupidly repeated grandma and grandpa's journey , with the same result ...

  • foolsage

    Fantastico!

  • Maguita NYC

    Please ask the werewolves to take Merlot with them as well. I'm done and done and beyond done with his story line. Just boring time-consuming crap.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Ok, so let me get this straight. Merlotte's staff consists of Sam (exiled), Sookie (just f*cks off whenever she pleases), Arlene (dead husband), Terry (dead), Andy's lady whose name I forget, Lafayette, Jessica (imprisoned), and Tara (imprisoned), right?

    Who's gonna run the damn place? They have like, one cook and one waitress left.

  • Morgan_LaFai

    I was always more curious to know how Sookie pays her bills given all the hours she has missed. But at this point, it is amazing that Merlotte's is even open. All hail Lafayette: sayer of great things, maker of great foods, and the only thing keeping Merlotte's going.

  • pfeiffer87

    Big John. Perhaps ABCD can help out?

  • Maguita NYC

    Maybe she's as fast as 4 waitresses combined?

  • MrsAtaxxia

    Yeah all the shifters. Cause really it took SO LONG for Sam to be like, oh yeah maybe a HORSE would be a good idea if we need to make an escape. Come on people.

  • Bert_McGurt

    I feel you. Why not a giant goddamn BEAR? Or a tiger? Or a 30-foot anaconda?

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Sam really is kind of a waste of the shifter power, isn't he? Any animal in the world, basically (even if some are easier), and he goes with the Manimal strategy of one of about three 95% of the time. Dumbass, and he probably can't even blame real world budgets.

  • foolsage

    Yeah. Sam's being relentlessly bullied by people who can turn into wolves. Sam can, in theory, turn into a bull elephant. Or a blue whale.

  • Maguita NYC

    Well, in the animal kingdom wolves are known to really hate dogs and often attack them. And Sam's favorite shift is into a dog...

    Also, wolves get trampled all the time so an elephant would be great... A blue whale will die so far away from the ocean. T-Rex is too much of a big budget. Also, he'll make the news. Not good for Bon Temps. Although I would love to see Sheriff Andy Bellefleur's reaction to seing a T-Rex!

    I feel like I've stepped into a parallel universe for this conversation. *looks suspiciously into coffee mug*.

  • foolsage

    Turn into owl. Fly over wolves. Turn into blue whale. Crunch, thud, crunch. Turn back into bird. Depart.

  • Morgan_LaFai

    That could work but I have two questions:

    1. Wouldn't he die as well? I guess it depends on how high he is, but for maximum wolf splattering I think height would be advantageous.

    2. Would he wonder if the land would be his friend as he fell?

  • foolsage

    1. Eh, I'd think a whale could fall from e.g. 10' or so without serious injury. It's a fair question though. Frankly, the whale doesn't need to be very high off the ground in order the crush the wolves into paste, since blue whales weigh roughly 190 tons.

    2. And the rest, after a sudden wet thud, was silence.

  • Maguita NYC

    We can always count on you to find a way, Foolsage indeed!

  • foolsage

    I'm here to help.

  • MrsAtaxxia

    Or as someone on twitter (i think) recently said A FUCKING T-REX. Come on Sam. Even, I don't know, a rino or a fucking hyena. Just something more useful than an effing owl.

  • foolsage

    Yeah. Sam likes to turn into dogs, owls, and bunnies. When in dire need he turns into a horse. Sam… dude… just… for fuck's sake, read a single issue of Teen Titans and just do what Beast Boy/Changeling does. Transforming into animals is a hell of a power if you're not an idiot.

    Even if dinosaurs aren't possible, there are always rhinos, or hippos, or even just crocodiles. Wolves are not actually anywhere near the most dangerous animals around.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    I wouldn't fuck around with the wolves. I'd go lion and make them shit themselves with a roar. Hypothetically, they could take me on as a team, but practically? I just became a motherfucking lion-- they'd run.

  • foolsage

    Lions are pack hunters like wolves. A single lion would have an edge against a single wolf (being over 5 times the size) but not against a pack of wolves.

    On the other hand, Sam could turn into a Kodiak bear (aka Alaskan grizzly) or a polar bear. A very large gray wolf weighs close to 100 lbs; a polar bear can be literally 15 times that size. That is not a contest that a pack of wolves is going to win.

    Or, hells, Sam could turn into an Inland Taipan and bite the friggin' wolves.

    There's so much he could do, but doesn't.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    You misunderstand. I'm not coming at it zoologically, but human psychologically. Sure, the pack is fairly animalistic and whatnot, but they are still basically humans, and I feel that if you throw a lion at them, they're most likely to panic and flee because, you know, it's a freaking lion.

    But yeah, if they were to stand their ground and insist on a fight, your suggestions are probably best.

  • foolsage

    I hear you. How the werewolves would react to a lion's roar is undetermined though. I mean, lions are frightening to humans as well as to wolves, but werewolves have advantages that humans and wolves (separately) do not.

  • MrsAtaxxia

    Crocodile would be awesome! So may wasted opportunities. I would give anything for a rampaging Hippo to show up on True Blood.

  • Oh, hell, it's HBO. If he wanted to shift into a dragon, they have those hanging around already.

  • Maguita NYC

    Also, I'm enjoying this season too much. I simply gave myself in to the campy and outrageous, and now I'm a bit sad that it ends in only 4 episodes.

  • Maguita NYC

    Luke Grimes: I'm all in! He is luscious like some sort of heroic yet tortured soul straight from a LOTR trilogy. But also, that tender moment was more testament to Deborah Ann Woll's strong acting skills, and chemistry with almost everyone on this show.

  • foolsage

    I <3 Jessica. She's such a sympathetic and interesting character, even when she does monstrous things.

  • Maguita NYC

    Her despair after draining the fairy sisters was beautiful to watch. I really can't wait to see what she's going to do post-TB.

  • foolsage

    She and Lafayette are the two best characters the show's provided IMO. Well, Lafayette was in the books but should have died a LONG time ago and wasn't a medium, so in a sense he's a creation of the HBO series.

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    Welllllllll, Sookie and Bill are married in real life, so I expect
    him to remain around the show as long as she does. While I enjoy the
    Lilith story, I don't want it to continue for more than another season
    as I think it'd get quite old. Having Warlow around makes it harder for
    the writers to end the Lilith storyline, frankly.

  • foolsage

    I'm being stalked by a spambot. I don't know whether to be proud or ashamed of this.

  • Maguita NYC

    Don't forget Pam! She's getting her mojo back. Ever since that session with the psychiatrist, my snarky Pammy was back.

  • foolsage

    Pam's been a bit hit-or-miss this season, IMO. I like her relationship with Tara but her relationship with Eric is a bit of a mess.

  • $27019454

    she bugs. HUGE.

  • Jenna

    Her and Eric being messy is the point. But that Crouching Tiger/Hidden Dragon scene showed they just like to bitch at each other sometimes but they're still ride or die.

  • foolsage

    I did quite enjoy that scene.

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