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What He Said....


Lazy Criticism / Seth Freilich

TV Reviews | April 28, 2009 | Comments (37)


The last few weeks have been miserable at work, forcing me to stay in the office into the wee hours doing my lawyering thing. No bueno. But in the evenings, at least I was able to fire up the SlingPlayer and watch me some TV while working. Mostly a good thing. Except for this — over the last two weeks, for the first time in years, I watched the “American Idol” results show live. And holy balls of Christ. Two weeks ago, it was bad, and I was mad at myself for ever watching the show. But last week, it was a fucking train wreck, and I was mad at the whole world.

I also decided later that night, while groggily reading government pleadings, that I was done with “American Idol.” And I figured I’d probably write up a nice long rant on the site about why.

But now I don’t have to, because my work has been done for me. See, here in LA, there’s a radio morning show called Kevin & Bean. I religiously love me some Kevin & Bean and could wax poetic about it for hours. But I particularly love Ralph Garman, the show’s entertainment reporter and “voice” guy. In part, it’s because he’s a funny bastard. In part, it’s because he’s a die-hard Eagles fan. But in largest part, it’s because, like many of us what hale from Philly, he’s got a deep, dark rage hidden within in his the bowels of his soul. It doesn’t peek out very often, but when it does, it’s good.

Anyway, last Thursday, Ralph announced that he, too, was quitting “American Idol.” And his rant pretty much covers the reasons I’ve quit, although he’s left out one big one for me — the singers fucking suck. I’ve been bored even with the performance show and, I’m sorry, but that gothy-wannabe-douchebag Adam may have a good voice, and will probably win, but he’s a flaming sack of suck. I can’t wait until the day he dies, just so Johnny Cash’s soul can kick his soul’s ass for what he did to “Ring of Fire.”

Anyway, in the ultimate form of lazy criticism, I’m blatantly stealing Ralph’s rant and letting his words speak for me.

(This is pretty safe for work — it did air on the radio, after all — but you might want to turn your volume down a little as it plays awfully loud for some reason.)


As I was polishing this up, I also deleted the “American Idol” season pass from my DVR and took it off my running reminder list of new shows airing this week. And lemme tell you — I feel as healthy and cleansed as the crazy chicks out here who do those maple syrup and cayenne pepper cleanses. Only with less BMs.


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Comments

Oh Seth, how I have missed you!

Posted by: lawyergirl06 at April 28, 2009 2:07 PM

If I were to be struck dead RIGHT THIS MOMENT, I can pride myself on NEVER, EVER, having seen more than the promos of that showcase of stupidity.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 28, 2009 2:11 PM

Oh Slim, we all know where your heart lies - it's with Dancing With The Stars.

I watched one season of American Idol. I think it was the one when Fantasia Barrino ended up winning. I promised myself I would give the show a chance and watch it from the start to the finish of that season. I watched every episode. I cringed, I gagged, I forced myself to watch every single tortuous moment. At the end, I turned off the TV and I haven't seen a single episode since. Man, that show is the devil.

Posted by: Kolby at April 28, 2009 2:14 PM

My wife makes me watch this garbage (I get my sports, so we're even). That Adam guy puts me into a rage every time I see him. There's a Ratt tribute band waiting to hire you on the other side of the season finale, asshole.

Posted by: Kballs at April 28, 2009 2:20 PM

Oooooh, I'm so gonna add "now you are HITLER!" to my repertoire.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 28, 2009 2:21 PM

Oh, and F you too, Kolby.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 28, 2009 2:22 PM

Well, I love to watch it only at the beginning when all the freaks, 'tards and spazzes come out. Now that's good TV.

Best part for me? When Ryan "Mangina" Seacrest tried to high five a blind contestant. And missed BECAUSE THE DUDE IS BLIND. Good fuckin' times.

Posted by: Janey at April 28, 2009 2:25 PM

Uh, can I say 'tards here????

Posted by: Janey at April 28, 2009 2:26 PM

I can't believe people - other than teenytwitters - are still watching this load of crap.

That said, I did see the ROF performance on youtube, and (prepared for lynching) I liked it.

Posted by: Cindy at April 28, 2009 2:30 PM

I too love Ralph and his rages. I find him very Pennsylvania, cuz if there's one thing that Pennsylvanians are good at, its rage.

How did it take you this long to figure out that American Idol sucks? I was forced to watch 5 minutes of it once (fuckers cut into my Fringe) and I almost clawed out my eyeballs and eardrums. Oh the horror!

Posted by: Emily at April 28, 2009 2:32 PM

...like many of us what hale from Philly...

"hail", no?

Posted by: Cindy at April 28, 2009 2:33 PM

I die a little inside whenever my wife watches it.

Posted by: admin at April 28, 2009 2:36 PM

I could have sworn that you gave up AI a long time ago. I know you've had this discussion before. Fell off the wagon?

Posted by: katy at April 28, 2009 2:41 PM

I quit AI back when Taylor Hicks was up for winning that shit. I was so disgusted with everyone involved that I just stopped. Last year I was able to mostly ignore it until the finals, because people just wouldn't shut the hell up about it. this year I've successfully ignored every single thing about it, and I am blissful in my ignorance.

That being said, I think Ryan Seacrest is about to break. Have you seen him doing E! News lately? The guy has this burning rage and despair in his eyes, and I expect that any day he'll go on a murdering rampage. Thankfully, Joel McHale is way taller and won't be a victim. But he can kill everyone else on E! for all I care.

Posted by: figgy at April 28, 2009 2:47 PM

figgy: You're a smarter hipster than I. I think I only managed to ween myself off of it after that self-righteous bitch one a couple years ago. I won't say her name, but you know who she is.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at April 28, 2009 2:53 PM

I admit, I still watch Idol. I'll be watching tonight. It's horribly directed and produced, and can't ever seem to make it in under an hour even though it's been airing with essentially the same format for nearly a decade now. I don't like any of the contestants, and I don't think any of them have what it takes to even have those token AI winner songs that get played relentlessly for a month then go away forever. But I never watch the results show, because it's just too painful. They could do the results show during the commercial break of another show and that would suffice. Besides, Wednesday night is "Ghost Hunters" night, baby! Wait...forget that last part. I of course do not watch that show and completely believe all of it.

Posted by: puregonzo at April 28, 2009 2:54 PM

Haven't watched in 6 years, it may be the worst show in network TV history, even more so than Heroes. God it sucks.

Posted by: George at April 28, 2009 2:54 PM

Yay! Come and join us, Seth, where the air is clean and free from overdramatic warbling!

Posted by: Melissa at April 28, 2009 2:55 PM

"American Idol is now Hitler!"

Love. it.

Posted by: jpguy13 at April 28, 2009 2:55 PM

Never seen American Idol. Never seen Big Brother. Never seen Survivor. Never seen Amazing Race. Never seen any of those VH1 "Wanna Fuck a Has Been?" reality shows, never seen anything on "E!" at all.

In fact, I don't believe I've ever watched reality TV of any kind.

I just wanted to share how much better I am than everyone else in the universe. And yes, I do like the smell of my own flatulence, thank you very much. It's like a whiff of dew-covered wildflowers crushed under a unicorn's hooves on a summer morning atop a verdant mountain.

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at April 28, 2009 3:06 PM

It's good to see some Ralph love. He's been the reason that I listen to Kevin & Bean for so many years. I'm proud to say I've never watched Idol.

Posted by: Rachel at April 28, 2009 3:06 PM

I can pride myself on NEVER, EVER, having seen more than the promos of that showcase of stupidity.

Hear, hear, well said, well spoken. I have never watched a single minute of a single show. The woof watches "Dancing with the Stars," and I do like to check out the professional dancers. Those girls are the heat.

Mmmmm, Chelsie ....

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 28, 2009 3:09 PM

I didn't care one way or the other about American Idol until this season, when they apparently became totally fucking incapable of stuffing all their ads and filler and stupidity into their alloted hour and began infringing on Fringe. SIX WEEKS I waited for Fringe to come back, only to be subjected to Ryan Seacrest and that moron Paula Abdul and like THREE MINUTES of tiresome "Here's how you vote if you were too retarded to figure it out during the first six weeks of the season." I don't think it's too much to ask that they shoehorn their worthless product-placement fest into their hour. It is frankly infuriating how much coverage a sub-par singing competition gets in the MSM! NONE OF THESE PEOPLE ARE TALENTED. AND THE THINGS I'VE HEARD SOME OF THEM DO TO AMAZING ARTISTS LIKE JOHNNY CASH (when clips of their "singing" are played on the news...yes, apparently this worthless charade is somehow considered "news") MAKES ME WANT TO SET A FIRE!

*pant pant pant*

It's true, native Pennsylvanians really CAN rage.

Posted by: Siege at April 28, 2009 3:19 PM

I watched American Idol for one season, and there was some girl who couldn't sing for shit. I laughed whenever she showed up and said that she would never win.

The singer in question? Kelly Clarkson.

Never watched it again.

Posted by: Brie at April 28, 2009 4:01 PM

I've never seen AI. But I sure love Kevin, Bean and Ralph, pretty much for rants like that. OH! and Santa Karl, before Jimmy Kimmel got the talk show. I'd be late for work, crying with laughter in the parking lot. Definitely good times.

Posted by: Chickaboom at April 28, 2009 4:04 PM

Good for you, Seth. I watched last season because my co-workers watched it so I figured I'd give it a try. Despite my wife's protests I ended up watching the whole season. But even then I never watched the results show. I'd just flip over during the last 5 minutes or find out the next day.

This season, haven't seen more then the last 30 seconds before Hell's Kitchen (probably last season for that one too, first time I saw it was last year). Most people seem totally burned out on the show, hopefully it will actually go away soon. Like most reality shows, if you've seen one season you've seen them all.

Posted by: TylerDFC at April 28, 2009 4:39 PM

"In fact, I don't believe I've ever watched reality TV of any kind."

Holy shit, Steven, we actually do have something in common.

Posted by: TK at April 28, 2009 4:45 PM

Dammit TK, another potentially epic feud ruined. And we didn't even have a montage and a ski race.

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at April 28, 2009 4:59 PM

This show is complete dung.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at April 28, 2009 5:15 PM

That's what you get for watching a soulless, mechanical, borderline blasphemic marketing construct specifically designed to teach kids that they don't have to work hard and pay their dues to be a musician, all they have to do is win an asanine television contest voted on by fourteen year old girls and some surly douchebag from Britain whose mom didn't love him enough.

If you want to know why modern music sucks dick, look no further than the commonly accepted notion that all it takes to be a star in any genre of entertainment is have a fresh face and be willing to be shaped and formed and molded into a marketable, glittery, inoffensive brand name by PR agents and CEO's.

It used to be that not everyone was cut out to be a musician, and the ones that were most successful typically had an underlying need for fame, money or attention that drove them to passionately go all out in order to obtain them, and work tirelessly to perfect their craft. Now any kid with an internet connection can download Pro Tools and synch up their voice and even their fucking guitar chords to be on tune without needing to know how to do this themselves, and then they can oversaturate an already oversaturated market by uploading all their dumb mp3's onto their myspace page.

It's like taking a bottle of Everclear, dumping half out, and refilling the half with water.

I don't understand the backlash stemming from Jamie Foxx saying Miley Cyrus would develop a heroin addiction and become a lesbian. On one hand, it's the funniest thing Jamie Foxx has said or done since the 90's and he shouldn't be discouraged from trying to be, you know, actually funny again. On the other, if Miley and Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton and Scarlett Johansson and whoever else want to earn the right to release an album and be taken seriously, maybe they should take the spike and munch some rug. At least it would give their sheltered rich-girl asses some real, genuine life experiences to write and sing a song about.

/long-winded tl;dr music rant

Posted by: Homeless J at April 28, 2009 5:19 PM

Friends, friends, what the world needs now is another season of Superstar USA.

Remember that one? Sure you do. They were looking for the worst singer, but they duped their hopefuls into thinking that they wanted the best. Further to that, that was the one that was presided over by Ton Loc and Vitamin C.

I tell you, it's a cold world where all your shining hopes and dreams hang on the insincere praise heaped upon your performance by the man who did "Funky Cold Medina."

Posted by: Melodie at April 28, 2009 6:37 PM

Ralph's rant was well worth the time.

Posted by: Mick J at April 28, 2009 7:43 PM

Know how much I wouldn't ever watch "AI"?

Kayanne in nothing but a WBNS T-shirt couldn't get me to watch "AI," that's how much.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 28, 2009 8:50 PM

Your wrong.

All wrong.

Posted by: candeep at April 29, 2009 11:32 AM

You can like or not like AI -- opinions are cool and I am down with that concept.

However, when your criticism is delivered via ignance like "none of these people are talented" or "[Kelly Clarkson] couldn't sing for shit" then you are just a sad whorish parrot desperately huffing any dong-shaped bandwagon that rolls your way.

Comments like those referenced just prove you don't know shit about fuck.

Posted by: firedmyass at April 29, 2009 11:53 AM

Johnny Cash was a pretty forward thinking dude, especially in his old age. He wasn't the snobby, conservative type to get riled up over someone singing a song differently. Adam used his creativity and stayed true to himself. Do you have to like it? No. But you cannot deny he’s talented, unique and not like another carbob copy of yet another pop star.

Posted by: Lefil at May 3, 2009 11:09 AM

Sign the petition to get american idol off the air!!!

www.voteamericanidol2010.com

SIGN THE PETITION TODAY! WE NEED AS MANY NAMES AS WE CAN GET. :)

Posted by: jesse at June 16, 2009 1:54 AM