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'American Horror Story' Recap: She's Got 99 Problems And A Fat Ass Cracker B*tch Is One

By Joanna Robinson | TV Reviews | November 14, 2013 | Comments ()


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Six Years A Witch Hunter: Thank god we finally have some relevance to connect Cordelia’s husband to the larger plot. I mean relevance other than he’s a mass-murdering serial cheater. He’s a mass-murdering serial cheater with a plan. It’s disappointing that Cordelia wasn’t able to sniff any of that out before now, but I suppose that’s an apt (if clumsy) metaphor for spouses of serial cheaters.
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Okay So Officially Now, No One Stays Dead: I said this last week and you all countered with “but, but Madison!” Yes, well, the corpse bride is back in action this week. Who else here is disappointed that Misty has the power of Mederma? I wanted Madison to stay all scabby.
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So I Guess The Power Of Resurgence Doesn’t Work On Stereos: Misty can “to blaaaave” Madison back to life but she loses her mind over a broken stereo? Baby, pet, chère, even your swamp has to have an electronics store somewhere. Radio Hovel? Mediocre Buy? Maybe she’s just as tired as we are of Kyle’s Zombie PTSD plot. I love Evan Peters and all, but watching him just lurch around naked isn’t quite doing it for me.
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P.S. Misty is, basically, Tom Bombadil. Right?
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A-Plus Musical Reference: I don’t know the exact demographics of the American Horror Story: Coven audience but I imagine many of them are, ah, the sort that love to see Evan Peters naked? And, um, delight in a Patti LuPone guest appearance? Teenage girls and gay dudes. That’s what I’m saying. So this Rocky Horror joke? Perfection.
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Is There An Emmy For Scenery Masticating? I think there must be. It’s the one Lange won for the first season, right? Well, if so, hand it on over to Angela Bassett for her throne diatribes. I can’t get enough of them.
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Zoe Uber Alles: Every week Zoe shows more and more prowess. Now she’s got snappy little comebacks? Meet the new Fiona. Sure, fine, she unleashed a long-dead serial killer. We’ll chalk that up to growing pains.
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One Last Great Love Affair: I was so hoping that when Fiona was getting chemo (!) and she mentioned wanting one last great love affair this batsh*t show would hook her up with the ghost of a charming serial killer. American Horror Story loves its serial killers. (Bloodyface, Murder Santa, Black Dahlia, etc.) Danny Huston’s Axeman might prove to be my favorite, though. As much as I appreciate the scenery chewing Bassett and Lange and Bates are dishing out, I like that Huston is a little more restrained. Comparatively restrained. I hope they keep him around.
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In case you were wondering which of Meryl Streep’s daughters was in the cold open, that was Grace Gummer. Not, as I had thought, Mamie Gummer. I cannot, for the life of me, tell the two apart. I know Grace was on The Newsroom and Mamie on The Good Wife and I still can’t tell the difference unless they’re right standing next to each other. So, for reference, that’s Grace there on the right…I think.

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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Happycats

    I'm sad that the AHS recaps have discontinued :(

  • msaileen

    So am I, I enjoyed them so :-(

  • Sean

    "I like that Huston is a little more restrained"

    You must not have watched Magic City.

  • lillie

    He was so amazingly insane in that.

  • Uriah_Creep

    I've been asking for more Misty Day and I got it last night, so I'm happy. Lily Rabe looked outstanding.

  • stella

    I had a thoughht last night. What if, in addition to raising the dead, Misty can somehow control the people she brings back oo and she ends up with an undead army?

  • e jerry powell

    Where was that fat-ass cracker bitch, by the way? Misty took all her screen time, I guess.

    Oh, and replacing that 8-track tape and player is going to be a serious pain in the tuckus. I didn't see a computer in Misty's shack, so I don't think she's going to be able to eBay that problem away.

  • IngridToday

    The Axeman was a real serial killer who said he wouldn't kill people if they played jazz. The letter that was written/read in the beginning was the letter the supposed real Axeman sent to the police.
    Angela's Basset's characters, is supposed to be the real voodoo priestess Marie Laveau.

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    I'd like an explanation for the sudden spark in personality from Zoe. She was dull as dirt and now she's the new Fiona? Nope. She still isn't interesting and I'm not sure the actress is capable of carrying a scene.
    My biggest problem with this season is that there are no stakes: Nobody can die, everyone's an asshole, characters are inconsistent and most of the women just aren't that interesting. I find myself browsing on my phone whenever the big three (Angela, Jessica or Kathy) aren't on screen. I was hoping for plenty of juicy scenes between them, but instead, I got a cheap remake of Wait Until Dark with Cordelia in the Audrey Hepburn role.

  • Walt Jr

    I have to say I agree. The younger witches (besides Madison) are beyond dull.

  • RAS

    And all this time, I'd been thinking that was Mamie Gummer on Newsroom. I didn't even know a Grace existed.

  • Guest

    Where is the sometimes ridiculous political correctness here on pajiba?
    A
    white character saying something like "ugly ni**er whore" would result
    in an uproar for days. But i guess its okay the other way around and
    even greater to use it as a screencap.

  • Where is the troll filter here on Pajiba?

  • lillie

    I would imagine it's difficult to recap this show and be in any way at all PC. Have you seen AHS?? Ryan Murphy is on his third season of showing just how very un-politically correct he can get. I mean, I love the hell outta this show, but really, there's no line he won't cross.

  • MauraFoley

    Calling someone a cracker is not, and will never be, on the same disgusting level as calling someone the n-word. There is no systematic institutionalized oppression behind the word 'cracker.'

  • Guest

    I guess you dont get the point, its not about the n-word, its about racism. Its not okay in any way, no matter which racial slur.

  • MauraFoley

    THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS REVERSE RACISM.

  • alacrify

    You are absolutely right. However, racism does run both ways.

  • I don't know where we're headed this season, but I'm feeling increasingly disappointed--find myself watching more for particular actresses (or Danny) than for the characters and story. I'll watch Jessica, Angela, Sarah, Lily and Kathy all day, but where the eff are we going?

    Zoe is completely incredible as supreme, and Evan as Kyle is a waste of time. Murphy wanted to reunite these two as a couple, but do we feel any particular magic between them? Do we care if Zoe ends up with a FrankenKyle monster? Do we care if Madison is back? I'm not sure what I do care about, other than watching Marie get ready for some kind of epic showdown with Fiona, because the three little witches are so inept most of the time. Oh, except Zoe is suddenly brilliant and figures out Spaulding is lying to cover someone...though he gave no clue.

    I was glad to see Queenie back to her old self after last week's inexplicable crumbling. Queenie and Delphine have had complete personality overhauls between episodes--it's disconcerting.

    Plot and character-wise, what was truly compelling last night? We've nothing to fear, because even if something happens to anyone we care about, he/she can be raised right back up again. Nothing is particularly feeling scary or horrific; it's as if all the tension has been zapped out of the season. Come on, Murphy, you can do better.

  • Naye

    Pretty much spot on. The only thing interesting about this episode was Marie's fabulous tantrum and Misty farming the dead. I have the smallest spark of hope for Danny Huston's Ax Man because he's so awesome, and at this point, I care more about ghosts than I do witches. Kinda missing Murder House.

  • Your use of "to blaaaave" as a verb made me laugh so hard I threw my head back and got my hair stuck in my office chair. BECAUSE IM FUCKING ELEGANT.

  • dizzylucy

    First award to Angela Bassett. 2nd award to Misty's hair.

    Zoe may be showing more prowess, but continues to do stupid things. Plays Dr. Frankenstein, then just drops her arts & crafts project of a boyfriend off at home like nothing happened. Bad stuff ensues. Ouija board goes all crazy with spirit of serial killer trapped in house - she then uses it by herself and lies about releasing him. Bad stuff ensues. Hasn't this girl ever seen a horror movie???

  • Misty's hair, the hat, and the whole outfit was fantastic.

  • Walt Jr

    Couldn't agree more! I've had wardrobe envy all season. Her boots are bad as all hell

  • Naye

    I'm having trouble finding real cohesion in this season. It's fun to watch, but this episode took me absolutely nowhere. Super vanilla. But Angela Bassett killed that scene.

  • Robert

    We have zombie boy because A) Ryan Murphy wanted to tell a Frankenstein story this season and B) stupid Zoe didn't let Misty finish healing zombie boy with the power of Stevie Nicks and swamp mud.

  • lillie

    I love this season probably the best of all three of them so far, but...but....Evan Peters isn't going to spend the entire season lurching around uselessly is he? Because that's going to get old fast.

  • kimk

    I keep thinking "I am sure they are going somewhere with his story, right?". But then I remember that this is Ryan Murphy and there is a good chance that he will get distracted by something shiny and lose interest in the zombie plot so it will just sort of be left dangling there (add "joke about EPs being naked" here as you see fit).

  • lillie

    That is such an amazingly accurrate description of Murphy. I bet in the beginning he was ALL ABOUT his frankenmonster/zombie chararcter and then something else caught his eye and EP is left lurching around and banging his head against things and generally serving no purpose. Unless he gets naked a lot more. In that case, brilliant plan, Mr. Murphy. Carry on.

  • disqus_N4EigheiZo

    Is it not already? His scenes are my snack/bathroom/morewhiskeynowplease breaks.

  • So Cordelia's philandering hubbie gets off on bedding then killing witches? Gotta imagine that makes Saturday nights tough to find the right date. "MUST HAVE MYSTICAL POWERS" is a tough get over on Christian Mingle.

    I like that Zoe started showing some leadership. If she's the next Supreme, she's gotta start acting like it. Also, the plot thread on the declining number of witches could be an intriguing side quest somewhere down the line.

    Zombie Kyle? About as useless as that radio after he was done with it.

    And I'll just say it now: Give ALL the awards to Angela Bassett. ALL THE AWARDS!

  • IngridToday

    I'm assuming there's an internet dating site for witches. He probably just picks out some hot ones and then asks questions to see if their legit.

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