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Now Begins My Reign Of Horror

By Satan | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (23)

SatanPit.jpg

Your agony is as the songs of the morning birds to my ears.

Thus, begins my rain of blood and tears. Prepare, weaklings, for I shall soon feast on your doomed souls. All of you shall suffer. All of you shall beg for mercy.

None shall receive it.

I shall give you a choice.

The pit of everlasting despair, where the worming demons will endlessly devour your entrails and violate your pain-wracked bodies for all eternity?

Or this:

Yes, I know. That’s fucked up, even by my standards.









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Comments

Hey, isn't that Satan from Doctor Who? I'm such a dork.

Posted by: Kiddo at September 28, 2010 11:28 AM

Bitch please, I've had a reservation at Hell's Bar for years.

Posted by: admin at September 28, 2010 11:30 AM

Oh, dark lord, please, oh please, rape me with your pitchfork; for, after that brief abomination, hell itself is a welcome respite!

Posted by: Armando at September 28, 2010 11:34 AM

I'm not touching that trailer. We'll already be exposed to it by force on the TV a million times any day now and then I'll just devour my OWN entrails, thankyouverymuch.

Posted by: PaulterA at September 28, 2010 11:35 AM

Satan, that is some evil shit because you will get the smart ones who choose Hell over watching the trailer. BUT you'll also get the ones who choose the trailer over Hell because they'll immediately commit suicide, therefore sending them to Hell.

You clever motherfucker.

Posted by: Kballs at September 28, 2010 11:40 AM

I feel like I've been fenceposted.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 28, 2010 11:48 AM

Did Dan Ackroyd need a paycheck *that* badly?

SPAGHATTA NADLE DAHS NAHT AHPRRAHVE.

Posted by: Spaghatta Nadle (formerly popejenn) at September 28, 2010 11:55 AM

Oh, hey, Satan. I know this probably isn't the place, but you blocked me on the Facebook. Anyway, I'd really appreciate it if you would hold up your end of the deal. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. You got your cape made of the flaming souls of a thousand very confused Mormons, so I'd like my, uh, stuff now.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at September 28, 2010 11:59 AM

I like seeing Tom Cavanagh getting a paycheck. Is that so bad?

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 28, 2010 12:01 PM

Cake?

Posted by: jM at September 28, 2010 12:02 PM

I've lost track of how many times I've asked myself "Why the fuck did I just watch THAT WHOLE THING?" while on Pajiba. When I know exactly that it's going to be like a vacuum sucking up my soul and it will leave me empty and heartbroken inside. Why, self? Why?

Also, here's something I noticed about trailers for all of these terrible movies (CGI creatures in live action): Every 2 or 3 seconds there's a new "BAM!" or "SPLAT!" or "BOOM" or the generic sound of someone crashing into something else after some "funny" line of dialogue. I guess it's supposed to be funny, with the slapstick and all, but...why? Is it just standard procedure when trying to create a trailer that will entice the fucktards of the population to watch something like this because an animated bear is getting hit in the groin, repeatedly?

I think I answered my own question.

Posted by: figgy at September 28, 2010 12:08 PM

Bah, that doesn't come from Satan. Satan covers his damn tracks better than that.

Satan would have cleverly disguised that clip as say, a new Dr. Horrible episode, and then dined on the resulting agony and shock like a gourmet dinner of pain.

Posted by: Wednesday at September 28, 2010 12:23 PM

You're welcome.

Posted by: God at September 28, 2010 12:23 PM

This is the laugh-track brought to its logical extreme. Force-feeding people "humor" and people conform (laugh) because the tracks have programmed them to "laugh" at the "funny parts" because the audience has been trained like Pavlov's dog via "numerical majority" contained in the laugh track. Person doesn't want to feel "weird" for not having "gotten it", so uses this as a cue to avoid future embarrassment in social settings or suffer being the odd-man-out and thus all of the social consequences that follow after the fact. Multiply by 1 mil.

People are fucking weak-minded. Face it.

Posted by: Recondite at September 28, 2010 12:26 PM

Whatever, Satan, you're a bitch.

You've been replaced by a committee comprised of Jeff Zucker, Les Moonves, Chase Carey, Robert Iger, Brian Roberts, the executive management team of Time Warner Cable, Ray LaHood, Karl Rove, Rupert Murdoch and a few others to be named later.

Posted by: Slash at September 28, 2010 12:32 PM

Satan,

You're in need of some restraint.

Just sayin'.

Your friend,

Posted by: , at September 28, 2010 12:59 PM

Dear Prince of Darkness,

Sit down Lucy, we need to talk. Mortal to Underlord. Now I have no doubt that some no-talent, hack movie producers have been collectively selling off pieces of their souls to you in monthly installments. That said, this trailer is presto lame-o. You've been losing your touch the last century or so.

I mean just in the last few years alone, we've seen the rise of torture porn, a re-make of "I Spit On Your Grave", "The Human Centipede", and don't even get us started on "Serbian Film" again. These things were not out of your noodle, but from really twisted fleas.

What have you thrown at us lately? "The Love Guru", "The Last Song", "Catwoman" and everything breathed on by Uwe Boll? Painful to be sure, but c'mon Iblis...this is not your best stuff. Maybe you should take a refresher course in the evenings.

To me, you're like the quaint clown in the old school circus; people expect to see you there, but nobody looks at you with the same wonderment you used to have. At best a few people will be unnerved at your mere presence, until you actually do some of your tired act where you're dismissed as yesterday's news.

Where's the horror, Mephisto? Where is the despair and doom we've come to expect? Seriously dude, if this is the level of limp dicked presentation we're going to sit through, maybe we should turn to another deity like Xenu. At least some of the productions associated with him scare the bejeezus out of me. I mean have you seen "Battlefield Earth"?

We're pulling for ya, buddy. Hollywood can burn again.

Posted by: bleujayone at September 28, 2010 1:20 PM

maybe we should turn to another deity like Xenu. At least some of the productions associated with him scare the bejeezus out of me.

While Xenu isn't a deity, rather an evil intergalactic overlord trapped to this day in a mountain prison, productions associated with him, like The Church of Scientology scares the beelzebub outa me too.

I mean have you seen "Battlefield Earth"?

Or the COS videos of Tom Cruise cackling maniacally in his black turtleneck?

Posted by: Smokey at September 28, 2010 2:00 PM

Huh. I don't feel... anything... watching that. Not pain, not anger, not even boredom. Just... nothing. Like my soul's gone or something.

Win?

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 28, 2010 4:00 PM

Where's the horror, Mephisto?

I would like that on a T-shirt.

Posted by: MM at September 28, 2010 5:46 PM

a pox on you pajiba, the waning days before glorious October, no limit horror movie month, begins, and you pull that kind of fast one.

May irritable bowel syndromed cats shit in your shoes in perpetuity.

Posted by: idleprimate at September 28, 2010 6:52 PM

It's a childrens movie!

Does it look awful? Kinda. Would I want to sit through it? Xenu Christ, no.

But... It's a movie, for kids. Seriously. Who cares. It's like any one of a number of Disney franchise flicks, or Mattel 80 minute commercials for their latest Barbie product, or any other flashing lights and colours shows designed to keep the unformed frontal lobes of pre-humans from wandering for that blissful hour or so that the parents can partially rest from protecting the lives and answering the inane requests of their darling offspring.

If you guys are going to get bent out of shape over every Alvin and the Chipmunks or Farting Gerbils or Canine Secret Agent movie that comes out, then shit... Gonna be a miserable Christmas for you all.

Posted by: DarthBrookes at September 28, 2010 11:31 PM

I've lost any and all residual good will I had for Dan Ackroyd. Satan is not this sadistic, is she?

Posted by: Uriah Creep at September 28, 2010 11:38 PM