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Are These Real Lines From a Vin Diesel Movie or Fictitious Phrases Invented by a Subpar Pop-Culture Writer?

By Brian Byrd | Trailers | July 19, 2016 | Comments ()

By Brian Byrd | Trailers | July 19, 2016 |


2016-07-19_20-02-43.jpg

It’s time once again to play everyone’s favorite online game: Are These Real Lines From a Vin Diesel Movie or Fictitious Phrases Invented by a Subpar Pop-Culture Writer! Really have to workshop the title sometime soon, damn. That’s straight horrible.

Today’s challenge is a particularly difficult one. Below are 10 lines. You must decide whether they appear in the trailer for XXX: The Return of Xander Cage or—

/studio audience interrupts with screams of “LIES!” and “NOBODY OVER THE AGE OF SEVEN WOULD THINK THIS IS THE NAME OF AN ACTUAL MOVIE!”

Whoa, whoa, the game hasn’t even started yet. There are no falsehoods to detect. Yes, a third XXX movie is coming out next year. It’s written by the same guy who penned London Has Fallen. Yes, it will be in theaters. No, the space-time continuum has not collapsed and dumped us back in 2002.

Let’s see how well you do, shall we?

Samuel L. Jackson: “This country has lost its way. I need you to make America straight again.”

Blond lady: “We need someone who can walk into a tornado and walk out the other side like it was a gentle breeze.”

Samuel L. Jackson: “Let me simplify it for you: kick some ass and try to look dope while you’re doing it.”

Vin Diesel: “Hey DJ, you got something a little quicker on that turntable? Because I’m about to dish out a lot of beats per minute.”

Young Annoying Asian Sidekick: “No way I’m gonna to square off against these guys unless I look extra trill.”
Vin Diesel: “Yeah well I don’t know nothing about being trill. All I know how to do is…”
/montage of XXX taking out multiple bad guys
…kill.”

Vin Diesel: “Not a bad Yankee accent…for a Russian spy.”
Sexy Russian Extreme Biker: “What gave it away.”
Vin Diesel: “The red hair. And the fact that you’re still Stalin for time.”

Pencil-necked Bureaucrat: “You so much as take a piss the wrong way, Cage, and I’ll put you in one for the rest of your life.”

Vin Diesel: /extreme skis through a jungle rainforest

Samuel L. Jackson: “Xander Cage is out there trying to save the world, general. And if you got a PROBLEM with that, you can shove those shiny medals directly up your a—
/jump cuts to Diesel surfing away from massive slo-mo explosion on the back of a shark

Hot Assassin: “Guns, girls, global domination. Xander Cage is back.”

Of course, you could solve this puzzle quite easily by simply watching the “Voodoo Child” laden trailer I’ve helpfully included below.

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LOL just kidding there’s no way I’m actually embedding this eye crime in my post. Go find it yourself we’re a website not a Superfund site. Fine, FINE, here’s a link. Best I can do.

Oooh, late January release date, too. Assume Paramount will eventually shift that forward a few weeks for Oscar consideration once they see the final cut.



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