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Why Does the Guy with the Sh*t-Eating-iest Grin Get to Tap The Portman?

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (42)

no_strings_attached_nn_kutcher.jpg

Damnit, Natalie Portman. We were getting along so well! You were making some interesting movies, you apparently have an excellent turn in the upcoming Black Swan, and you’d even branched out into Marvel territory, starring in Thor in the summer of 2011. We’d put some of your poorer choices behind us. We were doing so well!

And now this? A lame, predictable Ashton Kutcher romantic comedy directed by Ivan Reitman on a downswing that’s landed him at the bottom of the comedic well? And it looks exactly like the sort of movie the title — which has been downgraded from Fuck Buddies and Friends with Benefits to No Strings Attached — befits. Kutcher? Really?

You’re better than that. Ass boils are better than that.










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Comments

Natalie Portman, I fear you've just been Punk'd.

Posted by: sheshakes at November 5, 2010 10:30 AM

Geez...if Natalie Portman just wants to have sex so badly then why can't she just hook-up with Mindy Kaling? She's talented, cute, & funny -- the three things Ashton Kutcher thinks he is, but isn't.

Or even Ludacris?!

Posted by: shanmarie at November 5, 2010 10:42 AM

The thought of Ashton rubbing his anti-aging cream/mothball/Nair smell all over Natalie is giving me Brain AIDS.

Posted by: Kballs at November 5, 2010 10:47 AM

Holy fuck that looks terrible. I'm going to go watch Leon, it's far less awkward.

Posted by: admin at November 5, 2010 10:57 AM

Look, I know you guys are outraged by the Portman business, here. But look at it this way... when I saw that photo (because of the carrots) I thought this post was going to reveal that what's his name is starring in a remake of Harvey. But, he's not. So that's good news. Because what's his name > Jimmy Stewart. The. End.

Posted by: lubeg at November 5, 2010 10:57 AM

And that post got screwed up. That should have been "less than greater than" meaning "not equal to" Jimmy Stewart. Stupid HTML tags.

"...because what's his name != Jimmy Stewart..."

Posted by: Human Centipede - Segment Two at November 5, 2010 10:59 AM

Well put, Dustin. Well put.

When are filmmakers going to admit that AK can't act? What acts of depravity did he film and uses for blackmail?

Posted by: Patricia at November 5, 2010 11:21 AM

Sigh, I love Natalie Portman.

But this premise is just bad.

At the same time though if this was starring anyone other than Ashton Kutcher (remember when people loved him?) it would be so hipsterish I might cry.

Ugh. Baaaaaad Natalie. Bad.

Posted by: grace b at November 5, 2010 11:31 AM

All those years of waiting for her, wasted.

Life, Time. You are both sons of bitches.

Why Natalie? Why?

Posted by: coryo at November 5, 2010 11:48 AM

I can't believe I'm going to say this but...This doesn't look AS bad as every other Kutcher rom-com that's been the same exact movie over and over. IT looks absolutely awful, yes but it looks slightly better.

Then again, the whole wonderful prospect of watching Natalie have lots of sex is ruined by the fact that it's with that douche. Yeah, maybe it's actually worse than his other shit.

Posted by: Paultera at November 5, 2010 12:11 PM

The Natalie is so strong that she eradicates any Kutcher taint.
Even with afterwaft of Heigl.
I will let her be cute and sexy.
I will give her a break on this one.
It can't be easy to get past Lucas, after all.

Posted by: Odnon. at November 5, 2010 12:30 PM

Name me a good Ashton Kutcher movie.

Besides Dude, Where's My Car? obviously.

As for Natalie, I think she wants to do this. I think she feels she needs to do this. Julia Roberts' throne is vacated and not Rainbow Killer nor Reese Witherspoon nor Kate Hudson nor Jennifer Aniston nor Cameron Diaz have been able to ascend to claim that crown.

As Alexander the Great said upon his last breath, "To the strongest."

Posted by: Fredo at November 5, 2010 12:30 PM

Dammit. I guffawed at the "You can't fight me... You're miniature. You fight like a hamster" line.

I'll show myself to the door. No need to get up.

Posted by: Antietam at November 5, 2010 12:34 PM

Name me a profitable AK movie. Has the guy ever had a hit film (I mean as a lead)? Isn't he box-office poison? Why does he continue to get work?

Posted by: jimbob at November 5, 2010 12:38 PM

Haven't they already made this exact movie numerous times? Are they just going to keep re-making it with different actors until the premise makes sense?

Posted by: Annie_Reckson at November 5, 2010 12:39 PM

Shit, even Ludacris is better than that.

Posted by: Jared Smith at November 5, 2010 12:44 PM

I feel like I am going to get murdered for this, but Natalie Portman is really no better an actress than Megan Fox. I think she was good when she was young, but she hasn't progressed. She gets a lot of credit for being beautiful/intelligent, but I'd rather have her be a spokesperson or model or something, because she makes me cringe as an actress. I don't think she really outmatches Ashton...

Posted by: stump at November 5, 2010 1:17 PM

This movie also exists with Mila Kunis, Justin Timberlake and Emma Stone: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1632708

It's directed by Will Gluck (Easy A) and I actually have a little faith in that one.

Posted by: TL at November 5, 2010 2:53 PM

I agree with you stump but there are some actors that are immune from criticism here and she's one of them. Keep an eye open in your sleep tonight, one of her slobbering fanboys is probably coming for you.

Posted by: snapnhiss at November 5, 2010 3:04 PM

Sorry...

Natalie Portman can do no wrong. I ignored everyone else in this trailer and only focused on her taking off her clothes...a lot. Then I prepared my mind for the thought of having her as only a fuck buddy...that image...was so delightful.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at November 5, 2010 3:12 PM

Natalie Portman mailing in a performance > Megan Fox at her best. Is this anything more than a Redbox/Netflix rental on a boring Saturday? No. It doesn't mean she's on the level of somebody who makes me wonder if I'm not dumber every time I hear her speak. You simply can't convince me Megan gets a part in Black Swan, or does Garden State, or V for Vendetta at even a remote level to that Natalie does.

Ashton Kutcher likely still gets parts for no other reason than his brand gets him the parts. Hell if I know why he has so many Twitter followers, but he's one of the top and to a studio that's a bankable following. When you have a low grade romantic comedy that you can kick out for cheap, grab a name actor and see what happens. I honestly can't think of the great romantic comedy lead guy right now. Sure, there are guys that could be it, but for whatever reason aren't.

Posted by: Matt at November 5, 2010 3:35 PM

I honestly can't think of the great romantic comedy lead guy right now. Sure, there are guys that could be it, but for whatever reason aren't.

Eric Bana
Hugh Jackman
Patrick Wilson
James Marsden

Posted by: Fredo at November 5, 2010 3:41 PM

but for whatever reason aren't.

See the last part. Only Hugh Jackman has the name to be in a romantic comedy and sell people on it via his name alone and the biggest reason for his star power is his role as Wolverine. Yes, I know about Broadway, etc. Mainstream America didn't care about him until the X-Men movies came along. Nathan Fillion should be running away with this title, but again, he isn't.

Posted by: Matt at November 5, 2010 4:07 PM

I can understand Portman, but what the fuck is Luda doing in this bullshit?

Posted by: Eep at November 5, 2010 4:25 PM

I don't care, as long as I can mute the TV, I will watch Kutcher do anything (especially when he's not wearing a shirt). I know, it's embarrassing, right?!? But I would sex him so hard!

Posted by: jzhz at November 5, 2010 4:41 PM

And to follow up on my previous comment, I contend that this looks better: http://www.screenjunkies.com/movievideo/mila-kunis-justin-timberlakes-slam-piece-friends-benefits-trailer

Posted by: TL at November 5, 2010 6:06 PM

This plot line is ridiculous and I can say that because I fucking lived it and it fucking sucked and I never talked to my best friend ever again. So fucking suck it perfect, Hollywood, people who always make EVERYTHING work out to a happy ending.
Gawd.

Posted by: JenVegas at November 5, 2010 6:07 PM

i'm just going to pretend this doesn't exist...

Posted by: maxpurr9 at November 5, 2010 6:11 PM

I refuse to comment on this trailer, you've all done it beautifully.

On the otherhand,it's a bonfire weekend in London and the firefighters are on strike. Sweet!

Posted by: Jean at November 5, 2010 6:22 PM

OH MY GOD I WONDER HOW IT WILL END. The suspense is killing me.

Posted by: Another Jen at November 5, 2010 7:39 PM

Ludacris was the most appealing person in that entire trailer.

I dislike Natalie Portman so much. SO MUCH. I'm glad she's doing this crappy premise of a movie with the Kutch.

Posted by: denesteak at November 5, 2010 8:43 PM

Natalie Portan is listed as an Executive Producr on this "movie", so, yeah, I have to break up with her now.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at November 5, 2010 10:39 PM

There are so many typos in my last post, I have decided to break up with myself. Goodbye, cruel world.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at November 5, 2010 10:40 PM

I'm just going to wait for Hesher and pretend like this never happened.

Posted by: Uda at November 6, 2010 4:46 AM

Oh, look, Natalie Portman playing herself in a romantic comedy. Shocking. A huge stretch from all her other "emotionally fragile womanchild" roles. Almost as big a stretch as when she played herself (poorly, at that) in Garden State. Just below the stretching she did to play a 2x4 in Star Wars.

Most. Overrated. Actress. Of all time. I don't think she is better than this, at all. This is about exactly how good she is.

Posted by: heatseeker at November 6, 2010 9:39 AM

I don't get the Kutcher hate - I liked Guess Who (I think he and Bernie Mac had great chemistry), I liked him in that 70s Show, and this is a fricking romantic comedy! he's perfect for it. Doofus meets womanchild = hollywood gold.

I'll be viewing this on Neflix when I'm hormonal and want to watch pretty people do stupid things.

Oh, and Hugh Jackman can't do this type of movie. He tried, it sucked. He should stick to action / drama. Nor can the other men listed in the other post.
Mardsen??? really? He is somehow better than Kutcher how? He was good as Spike but what I've seen since hasn't impressed.

Patrick Wilson - him I could see doing a rom-com.

Posted by: Stella at November 6, 2010 9:54 AM

Fuck! Portman is in Thor? Hopefully he breaks her in half with an angry glance.

Posted by: logan at November 6, 2010 10:19 AM

He was good as Spike but what I've seen since hasn't impressed.

You're thinking of James Marsters. They were talking about the guy who played Cyclops in X-men.

Posted by: Uda at November 6, 2010 10:47 AM

I also liked Ashton in Guess Who!! The only movie I've liked him in the entire time.

I love Natalie...but I don't think I can force myself to watch this.

Posted by: Lynsey at November 6, 2010 9:00 PM

I think if I were an actress like Natalie Portman, one who is fairly sought after, I would want to do a variety of roles just for kicks. And let's be honest, her decisions in the past haven't exactly been stellar (Where the Heart Is... gross).

And also, I do think Ashton has his charming moments. He's not a phenomenal actor or anything, but he's capable, and sometimes, that's enough. I'll rent it.

Posted by: Melissa at November 8, 2010 10:24 AM

She's not a terrible actress, but she is overrated. I can't deny that.

Posted by: samantha t at November 8, 2010 1:47 PM

This movie trailer literally plays out like that one episode of Scrubs where they do the friends with benefits thing. They have no romantic chemistry. Friend chemistry maybe, but definitely not romantic.

Posted by: Marcela at November 8, 2010 10:14 PM