The average movie trailer is about two minutes and 20 seconds long. Not coincidentally, the average movie has only two minutes and 20 seconds worth seeing. The trailer editors for Kristen Bell’s new flick, When in Rome, however, have done the unusual: Lacking even 20 seconds of A-material, they nevertheless extended the trailer to a full three minutes and 30 seconds, giving away not only the entire movie, but demonstrating the the movie’s highlights do not even rise to the level of execrable.
When in Rome actually looks like a Katherine Heigl cast-off. It comes from Mark Steven Johnson, the single-celled organism responsible for Daredevil and Ghost Rider (yeah: Who knew so much suck could exist in a single cell?). Bell plays a “love-starved New York curator who steals magical coins from a famous Roman fountain but soon finds herself in a bizarre situation when she is pursued back to New York by a band of aggressive suitors — the very people whose coins she took.”
You’d think that there’d be at least one joke that worked, and that they’d include it in the trailer, but if there’s anything worth seeing in When in Rome, they’ve deftly hidden it from us. Poor Kristen: She’s gone from Jason Dohring to Josh Duhamel, and now she’s on the fast track to romantic-comedy oblivion.
At least she’ll always have her looks. Those are eternal, right?
You know what? I'm totally cool with this. By all means, Mark, keep making tepid romcoms. Because Daredevil is one of my all-time favorite comic book characters, and Elektra and Bullseye are two outstanding supporting characters, and you fucked that whole franchise 65 ways from Sunday. You made the worst possible movie... well, not the worst... Ghost Rider was the worst.
But Daredevil had such potential. Farrell was actually a decent Bullseye, MCD made a respectable Kingpin, but you just couldn't fuck it up fast enough.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... either Mark Steven Johnson continues to make shitty romcoms, or someone will need to deliver his eyeless fucking head to me in a goddamn bucket.
And Kristen Bell: Have your agent killed. Immediately.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 17, 2009 11:47 AM
I found that trailer notable only for the wonderful reminder that Kristen Bell is (or was, I'm never current on these things) actually dating Dax Shepard completely of her own volition.
I think we saw the entire wedding sequence in the trailer. Also, good to see Lee Pace getting work.
The parallels with SMG are growing greater every day.
Rabid niche TV following for a smart portrayal of a kick-ass heroine. Check.
Supporting role in popular movie. Check.
Starring role in a shitty rom-com. Check.
Marriage to some talentless pretty-boy. Inevitable.
Descent into oblivion. Coming soon.
Posted by: ed newman at August 17, 2009 11:53 AM
Congrats to Kate Micucci for landing (what appears to be) the "quirky friend" role vacated by Zooey Deschanel's pursuit of top billing.
Posted by: branded at August 17, 2009 11:56 AM
*cues up Another One Bites The Dust*
Posted by: admin at August 17, 2009 11:59 AM
Am I the only one who doesn't get the Pajibans love of Kristen Bell? I find her to be a generic blond actress in Hollywood, and completely interchangeable with multiple other generic blond actresses in Hollywood. And no, I didn't watch Veronica Mars. I think I was a little too old for it when it was on to have even mild interest. She was fine in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but I didn't find her to be exceptional in any way. Is it just me?
Posted by: Whorish Mouth at August 17, 2009 12:07 PM
Whorish Mouth, I felt much the same initially. But it turns out she is the greatest person ever.
Posted by: TSF at August 17, 2009 12:10 PM
LOL, TSF. Why? Did she show you her boobs?
Posted by: Whorish Mouth at August 17, 2009 12:15 PM
Posted by: Whorish Mouth at August 17, 2009 12:18 PM
Lee Grinner Pace and William Emerson Arnett, get your asses down here immediately! If you two needed the money, there are better ways to get it. You could've just asked me! I'd offer up a deal and if the word "threesome" was mentioned...so be it.
Posted by: Miss A at August 17, 2009 12:24 PM
Part of that trailer was a commercial for the music from the movie. The same music that was just played for 3 minutes. I am in awe of the skills on display here.
Posted by: Phaeolus at August 17, 2009 12:36 PM
Veronica Mars is the MOST overrated show since Arrested Development.
THERE. I. SAID. IT.
Deal
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 17, 2009 12:41 PM
"Is it just me?"
No. No, it is not.
Posted by: Sarina at August 17, 2009 12:16 PM
Yeah. Take the word of someone who watches fucking iCarly for 8 hours a day.
And Whorish, you're never too old for Veronica Mars. Trust me.
Top 10cl iches signalling a horrible movie seen in that trailer:
1) Impossibly young ditz is employed as a curator at a top museum despite the fact she's not even old enough to have her MFA
2) Someone say's "My bad"
3) Obligatory wedding scene with quirky locals: extra points for the bitter nonna dressed in black
4) Standard shot of Coliseum to let us know we are in Rome
5) Oh look, they have quirky small cars that fit in elevators over there!!
6) Trite working in of non-existent "local tradition" to play for comedy (I'm waiting for the French or Italians to make a rom-com that makes fun of the US "tradition" of the bride and groom stuffing food in each other's mouths: look they're Americans, they start working toward obesity on their wedding day)
7) All New Yorkers jog through town in the middle of the day and no-one becomes irritated with them for getting in their way
8) Choice of suitors is from a range of deviants and half-wits or Mr. Perfect
9) All girls love to wade into fountains that the gypsies have just peed in wearing beautiful expensive dresses, simply in pursuit of something to find them a man
10) Attractive, over-employed blonde is nothing without a husband
Posted by: PaddyDog at August 17, 2009 1:08 PM
This looks like Mannequin, meets a G version of Wedding Crashers, meets Wedding Date meets Angels and Demons.
She is cute, it will be serviceable, it will make $48 milliion. It will be dubbed the first pick-me-up of 2010 and a way to get out of post-holiday blues.
Posted by: richmac at August 17, 2009 1:09 PM
"That, and be a colossal pain in the ass."
Hey, everybody's good at something. The fact that I'm so infinitely skilled at driving you nuts is just what makes me better than everybody else, that's all.
Eh, TK, Veronica just did nothing for me in the commercials. Sorry. I am partial to Nancy Drew, old school Nancy in the hardback books I used to borrow from the library as a kid. Not the jailbait Roberts kid to whom SOMEBODY at Pajiba has an unhealthy attraction.
They all love Kristen Bell because although she looks like the head cheerleader from Generic High School USA she's just quirky enough for them to believe she wouldn't give them judgmental side-eyes when they prattle on for 45 minutes about how much they miss Firefly.
Isn't that the kind of person we're all looking for?
Posted by: becks at August 17, 2009 1:33 PM
Was that Will Arnett!?
Posted by: Pandemic at August 17, 2009 1:37 PM
Maybe it's because I'm a girl, but I never got the Kristen Bell love either. And yes, TK, you can be too old for Veronica Mars. I tried watching it twice, but could never make it past the first 4 episodes.
Posted by: nutmeag at August 17, 2009 2:15 PM
whorish Mouth, I think she's completely overrated around this place. I see nothing at all remarkable about her. Just nothing. Average looks, average acting skills and absolutely deplorable career choices (yeah yeah Veronica Mars. It wasn't that good. Plus it's been gone for ages. GET OVER IT). Not to mention shit taste in men. She's just so very very average and boring.
Paddy Dog that was brilliant.
Especially about the museum curator job. Those are for middle-aged women in Chicos who have published several scholarly articles. You know she'd really be working as a lowly cataloger or docent, slowly chipping away at a mountain of debt from her master's program.
Posted by: Empress of All the Russias at August 17, 2009 2:20 PM
The truth is, someone of her type would probably just be some "fucking the manager" PA at the local TV station, or a waitress at Chilli's, riddled with unpaid credit card debt and two restraining orders against her psycho ex-boyfriend, NOT a motherfucking museum curator.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 17, 2009 2:29 PM
I feel better, thanks guys. For a minute there I thought maybe I had just missed something. Turns out I'm awesome, just like I thought.
Watch out Whorish Mouth, backlash can turn on you in a quick minute and now we're done with Kristen Bell.
Did anyone ever notice that Whorish Mouth isn't all that awesome?
Posted by: becks at August 17, 2009 2:45 PM
No, I can't start that, you're pretty awesome.
Posted by: becks at August 17, 2009 2:47 PM
WHORISH MOUTH BACKLASH!!
I haven't on good authority that WM is heavily into Scientology...
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 17, 2009 2:54 PM
Empress:
You nailed it with the Chicos. I have often wondered if there is a requirement for these women to dress in fibers and flowing garments.
Posted by: PaddyDog at August 17, 2009 2:55 PM
*have it
god dammit
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 17, 2009 2:55 PM
LOL Wow, Becks, backlash and then your own backlash on the backlash.
Actually, you were the one who gave me the best synopsis of Little Miss Generic's appeal, so good on ya.
Whorishmouth - you're not alone. Far be it from me to be vicious about a woman's looks, but I have to speak up when I hear a plain, Lilliputian, soulless-looking blonde with too-close-together eyes referred to as gorgeous. She's a competent actress and doesn't seem like a complete asshole, but I find the Pajiban reverence for her appearance odd, especially because the same Pajibans rip on the likes of Heather Graham and Cameron Diaz.
The actress playing her sister is far, far more attractive than Bell is.
Posted by: samantha t at August 17, 2009 3:38 PM
Add me to the list of people who don't get the Kristen Bell & Veronica Mars love.
Posted by: MelBivDevoe at August 17, 2009 3:48 PM
The girl from Nick and Norah? That girl weighs like 65lbs. She looks ill.
For the record I actually think Kristen Bell is cute. She looks a little like a more polished Avril Lavigne. Overrated but cute nonetheless.
Posted by: becks at August 17, 2009 3:49 PM
Yeah, Samantha, it's not even just her looks. I mean she's a pretty girl, although not spectacular, but I just don't get the fanfare. I don't see anything special overall, and I wondered if I had just missed some great indie movie where she blew everyone away. I am now confident that I have not.
WM: She had a great cameo role on "Deadwood". I won't say any more than that.
Posted by: samantha t at August 17, 2009 3:50 PM
"if I had just missed some great indie movie where she blew everyone..."
Maaaaaybe, if I saw *that* I might give her more credit.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 17, 2009 3:56 PM
Whorish mouth ,you're not alone. I don't get it at all. She's a C+/B- in terms of beauty and the talent? She was funny on PARTY DOWN, but the role could have been played by anyone, same with REEFER MADNESS. That's all I've seen her in but it didn't make me want to see more.
Posted by: Andrew at August 17, 2009 4:08 PM
Having watched more Veronica Mars than is healthy, I'm going to weigh in on the side of adoring Kristen Bell, and not because I wanna bone her (although, if the opportunity presented itself, I probably would, just so I could say I had). I just find her infinitely more watchable and entertaining than any of the other 20-something starletards out there - I think slamming on her range and talent doesn't work, 'cause she had multiple powerhouse episodes of VM. So yeah, this movie looks a bit sucky, but I'd bet good money that she's the best thing in it by a country mile, that every review of the film points that out and that she survives relatively unscathed.
Posted by: Shay at August 17, 2009 7:18 PM
I can't stand it when when people (especially, it has to be said, the ladies) go on and on and on about how unattractive and over-rated EVERY SINGLE female Hollywood actor is, and generally make mean-spirited comments about her looks, sexuality, poor acting ability, blandness, absence of character, etc..., and then later on complain about how Hollywood treats its female stars, or about how standards are impossibly high for actresses, or about how women with character never get to the top. Sometimes it seems the people here almost try to pre-emptively rip into the actresses before anyone else does for some reason.
Posted by: igor at August 17, 2009 7:39 PM
I'm an equal opportunity hater of overrated peoples.
I think Kristen Bell is cute, igor. I just don't think she's particularly captivating on screen. And I just couldn't get into VM.
Posted by: MelBivDevoe at August 17, 2009 9:41 PM
Igor - to your absolutely correct comment: my issue isn't with the larger world in my criticism of Bell's appearance, it's with Pajibans who routinely laud her appearance and are harsh with other actresses who are equally or even more attractive who they hold in lower esteem with respect not to their talent, but to their appearance. As I mentioned before, this is the same website that said that Heather Graham isn't aging well. I mean, come on!
Posted by: samantha t at August 18, 2009 8:17 AM
And I hate it when having a "meh" opinion of someone (and not even about looks, like I mentioned above) gets you thrown into a category of being mean-spirited about females in Hollywood.
To each his own, I say. There's nothing wrong with not being bowled over by a certain actor or actress. It has nothing to do with mean-spiritedness whatsoever. And I don't recall seeing any comments about her that were overly mean, either. Just opinions.
And I'm not apologizing for mine or playing defense.
Posted by: Whorish Mouth at August 18, 2009 10:41 AM
I'm just going to keep it simple. Kristen Bell is the shit. I would watch her in anything.
Posted by: Melissa at August 18, 2009 2:37 PM
Ok Kristen Bell is adored by some because of Veronica Mars. She was very good in it but it is also because the writers were very good too as her costars (Enrico Colantoni, Jason Dohring).
Now there is Lee Pace in this movie and he is not the love interest ?? Why ? The guy is talented, OK Josh Duhamel is a very pretty guy but he is not a very good actor seriously..Bad move career Kristen..
Posted by: judith at August 20, 2009 9:08 AM
Whorish Mouth and BarbadoSlim WORD!!
Posted by: Lynn at August 21, 2009 11:18 PM
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You know what? I'm totally cool with this. By all means, Mark, keep making tepid romcoms. Because Daredevil is one of my all-time favorite comic book characters, and Elektra and Bullseye are two outstanding supporting characters, and you fucked that whole franchise 65 ways from Sunday. You made the worst possible movie... well, not the worst... Ghost Rider was the worst.
But Daredevil had such potential. Farrell was actually a decent Bullseye, MCD made a respectable Kingpin, but you just couldn't fuck it up fast enough.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... either Mark Steven Johnson continues to make shitty romcoms, or someone will need to deliver his eyeless fucking head to me in a goddamn bucket.
And Kristen Bell: Have your agent killed. Immediately.