What's The Director Of Wanted Been Up To? Oh, You Know, Just Making A Movie About Flesh-Eating Squirrels
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What's The Director Of Wanted Been Up To? Oh, You Know, Just Making A Movie About Flesh-Eating Squirrels

By TK | Trailers | August 19, 2013 | Comments ()


No, really.

Timur Bekmambetov, who directed Wanted (a movie I initially loved but loses a great deal of luster over time) and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer (a movie I regret even hearing about) has been busy. Sort of. In between producing several Russian films and, uh, other things, he’s also working on some ideas. And one of them has intrigued some muckety mucks, and it’s going to be made into a full-length picture.

Called Squirrels.

I admit, I admire the simplicity of it. The project isn’t filming yet, nor is there even a director attached. But it’s happening. The synopsis is aces:

When a young man’s estranged father is killed under suspicious circumstances, he returns home for the first time in years to get to the bottom of the mystery. Hoping to uncover some logical explanation, he instead finds his mom’s sleazy new boyfriend, a natural gas company buying up the town, an angry female sheriff who happens to be his ex-girlfriend, and an army of flesh-eating squirrels hellbent on destroying everything in their path due to an erosion of their food chain as a result of environmental destruction by the gas company.

That… that’s a lot to process.

The press release that initially announced the project back in May is even more beautiful. Here are some of the juicier parts:

“I am very appreciative of the opportunity to sell a Timur Bekmambetov produced film this year. Timur is a tremendous creative talent, and it’s going to be a lot of fun for everyone involved, especially for the buyers, to be a part of this exciting project,” said Red Sea Media CEO Roman Kopelevich.

“Squirrels, like people, can seem very cute—until they get hungry!” said Bekmambetov.

The production is currently setting a director, with an A-list cast expected to sign shortly.

A-list, you say? I can hardly wait.

Anyway, there is no actual trailer. But there is a promo clip. It’s perfect.

Guys? This is my new everything.

(via Worst Previews and Dread Central)

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • DeusExMachine

    Timur, honey, please stay away from drugs. Drugs are bad, mkay?

  • BlackRabbit

    It has a high bar to clear if it aspires to be better than Black Sheep.

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    Squirrels are brutes. At university, a squirrel threw a nut at my friend's head and it connected. It was hard, too. Then it had the gall to give her the 'SHE knows what she did'-style stink eye. That's disrespectful.

    But squirrels aren't geese-- godless pecking gaggle fiends. Canada geese void about 1.15 lbs of their bowels a day and it's everywhere, which you would think would leave them feeling perpetually relieved, and yet... I'll bet that Carlo Gesualdo would've been grateful for that kind of ease, but we're not here to talk stabbings and guns, so that story ends here.

    One time, I was sitting with a friend at the park when out of freaking NOWHERE 56 (we both counted more than once to be sure, it's not like we had anything better to do, being trapped and all), geese of various age and size (the babies were so darling until they revealed their darker purpose), circled the bench on which we were sitting and advanced upon us, hissing at us as though we had drawn first blood. If we tried to get up, they would assert their authority and they knew that we were defenseless. We were just a couple of dirty mammals who would be first against the wall once the Quack..rising comes to pass. A couple of drag queens (gay pride festival across the street) tried to intervene to no avail, though we'll always have Hitchcock and we thanked them for their efforts. One was wearing Valentino and being the low bumpkin that I am, I wished I could get closer, but another one of my dreams was assassinated by the Down And Feather media, wasn't it? They released us after 42 minutes with so much left unspoken.

    No word of a lie, there are conspiracy theories that posit that Canada geese are trained by terrorists to launch passive-aggressive strikes on Americans. I'm a little overly crazy and not creative enough to manufacture something like that, it's stone cold fact and speaks to speaks to the demeanor of the Canada goose. And I don't know why beings that produce chalky white leavings think they have a right to judge me because unless your son is about to become the first Plantagenet king you've not earned that haughtiness.

  • Ellen Ellis

    Lest we forget "That is one bad tempered rodent" from 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail'

  • I call shenanigans. This was blatantly ripped off from the Arthur TV show.


  • Ian Fay

    Is there any way it's going to be better than killer bunnehs?


  • Jim

    Since I saw this elsewhere in a couple of spots, I've been waffling between requesting they:

    a) add a windstorm and call it "Squirrelicane!!" (a name I shamelessly steal from another commentor - one from here perhaps?)

    b) add them arriving in a tumble of rocks down the mountain and call it "Squirrel-Slide!!"

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I don't really like horror movies, but I actually like this pitch. Does it say something about me that I don't think this is stupid? I kinda dig the backstory, and I like the goofy yet au courant environmental message.

  • ,

    Didn't you mean "Buffy Lincoln: Vampire Slayer?"

  • ,

    "He's got teeth like ... and he can leap about ... LOOK AT THE BONES!"

  • BlackRabbit

    Man, college changed that guy. He used to be, like, mellow.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Thank you for reminding me it has been way too long since I watched that movie.

  • ,

    My pleasure!

  • Fabius_Maximus

    That reminds me of that trailer for a horror movie about garden gnomes. I wonder what happened to that one.

  • Mrcreosote

    Was that a Werther's Original? Because squirrels love that crap.

    Also, isn't this the plot of EVERY Sci Fi movie of the week ever? Here is the mad Libs version:

    When a young man’s _____(relative) is killed under suspicious circumstances, he returns home for the first time in years to get to the bottom of the mystery. Hoping to uncover some logical explanation, he instead finds _____(B-level star) sleazy _______(occupation that people distrust), a ________(utility) company buying up the town, an angry _____ (occupation of local authority) who happens to be his ex-______(B level love interest-nudity a plus), and an army of flesh-eating _______ (Creature-cute and/or unexpected preferred) hellbent on destroying everything in their path due to an erosion of their food chain as a result of environmental destruction by the _______ (previously used utility)company.
    In the time it took you to read this I've had three scripts optioned-Pomeranian of Death, Gecko Apocalypse and Emanuelle and the Python. The last one is a little blue.

  • Joe Grunenwald

    Ripped from the headlines! Back in 2005 there were packs of squirrels in Russia attacking people and animals because of a shortage of, I don't know, nuts or something. Pine cones! It was pine cones.


  • Fabius_Maximus

    Skuirids, man. They'll fuck you up.

  • Ok. These are definitely making it into my next Runelords session. Dire Squirrels. Winter is coming. ;-)

    *Edit* Flubbed the last line. It should be:
    Dire Squirrels. Winter is coming - Got Nuts?

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Make a swarm out of them. Swarms are terrifying.

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    You frigging bet, ask Mithradates about it, if you can stomach it...he couldn't. Ugh, now I'm thinking about THAT.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Do you mean this one?

  • NateMan

    Wanted remains one of my favorite mindless movies. I also enjoyed Night Watch a great deal, though Day Watch left a lot to be desired.

    I absolutely believe in flesh-eating squirrels. You can't trust those little fuckers. Especially the black subspecies we have here in MA. They're plotting something.

  • Maguita NYC

    Where I live we have a lot of squirrels, and in the Spring those little f*ckers get mighty aggressive and territorial.

    One in particular used to bluntly hiss at me whenever I went out to walk my dog, and gets his panties in a furious twist when getting back into my house. Town security is always on high alert during Spring: Apparently they come out of hibernation very hungry and have attacked children and old folks carrying grocery bags!!! I sh*t you not.

  • Classic

    Squirrels in DC carry knives. I do not fuck with them.

  • NateMan

    I actually watched one charge a student here on campus. The 19yr old guy leapt about 3 feet in the air. Funny as hell.

  • Maguita NYC

    And can you blame the guy! The minute you understand those furry cute things are nothing but vermin-ridden rats with beautiful tails, you stop feeding them and stay away!

    I was always afraid for my dog even if she was vaccinated. Thought one of these days I might have to bite one of those suckers for getting too close to her!

  • Wednesday

    I've watched the little nut-grubbing bastards outwit so-called "squirrel-proof" birdfeeders at every turn. I thought my latest feeder had finally thwarted them...but they eventually learned how to dangle from the hook, turn the knob at the top, knock the cover off, and get at the seeds wholesale.

    I'm not worried about a future that looks like Planet of the Apes. But Planet of the Squirrels? That could happen. Little fuckers are smart.

  • NateMan

    On that note, I think it's time to invest in Daisy air rifles.

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