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I Know It’s Hard To Believe, But This Looks Better Than Boat Trip

Prepare For Glory / TK

Trailers | January 22, 2009 | Comments (42)

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

(gasp)

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

(wipes tears from eyes)

Whew! Holy fuckin’ shit, this is the worst trailer I’ve seen in a looooong time, and I just watched the trailer for She’s Just Not That Into You (seriously, what the FUCK, Jennifer Connelly?). No, seriously though. Watch this trailer for The Way of War. It has Cuba Gooding, Jr. playing Steven Segal. Or some shit, I don’t know. I looks like the kids up the street from my house smoked a bunch of crack, then dressed up a hobo and gave him a plastic toy gun. And the voiceover is… priceless. If it were self-aware, it would achieve true comic nirvana. Alas, I believe this movie actually takes itself seriously.

Can you fucking believe this clown won an Oscar? Despite going full retard?









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Comments

He only went full retard about 7 years after the Oscar, and at least 2 years into the "totally desperate and utterly embarrassing" phase of his career.
Hard to believe now, but he was in Boyz in the Hood. And didn't suck.

Posted by: Pen Dragon at January 22, 2009 6:15 PM

*Cue gravelly Italian voice*

"I tried to get out, but they just pulled me back in"

Posted by: the_wakeful at January 22, 2009 6:27 PM

He only went full retard about 7 years after the Oscar, and at least 2 years into the "totally desperate and utterly embarrassing" phase of his career.
Hard to believe now, but he was in Boyz in the Hood. And didn't suck.

Posted by: Pen Dragon at January 22, 2009 6:43 PM

I'm glad this wasn't one of the Trailer Suck-Offs. It wouldn't have been fair to the other candidate.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 22, 2009 6:48 PM

Actually it was a suck-off, but this trailer sucked so badly that its gravitational suckage pulled in the other trailer like a black hole snagging a passing meteor, leaving nothing but a puff of dust and the aroma of rotten cheese.

Posted by: stipe42 at January 22, 2009 6:53 PM

the aroma of rotten cheese.

That smell is Cuba Gooding Jr.'s desperation. He can't help it that you can't wash off shame stink.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 22, 2009 7:05 PM

I concurr... BWAHHAAAHAHAHHAAAHAHAAHA.. gasp...a AHHAHAHAHA... What the hell happened to Cuba Gooding Jr.? And J.K. Simmons, I hope they paid him a lot for this crapfest.

Posted by: Popsi_zen at January 22, 2009 7:06 PM

I always thought that shame smelled like Courtney Love after an evening of heroin, sex and peanut butter and dill pickle sandwiches.

Oh, and ass.

Hot, sick, ass.

Posted by: admin at January 22, 2009 7:11 PM

Ever heard that blind item about the black, award winning actor that is basically taking any and every role and lame commercial just to pay for his coke/meth habit...

Blind item exposed.

Posted by: ashes at January 22, 2009 7:12 PM

was that lt. daniels about halfway through? damn, he's totally losing the wire alumni game right now

Posted by: phaedawg at January 22, 2009 7:12 PM

admin, are you implying that Courtney Love is in anyway ashamed of her actions?

Surely, you jest.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 22, 2009 7:21 PM

Damn, that voice-over has got to be the worst I've ever heard. Even crap rom-coms are better than this.

Posted by: psic at January 22, 2009 7:29 PM

Most certainly not Kayanne! I am simply making the assertion that if shame had a definitive smell, it would smell like her after a regular night out on the town.

Only with less sperm.

Posted by: admin at January 22, 2009 7:30 PM

Only with less sperm.

And with slightly more sperm it would be Perez Hilton.

BAZING!

Posted by: Kayanne at January 22, 2009 7:33 PM

And with slightly more sperm it would be Perez Hilton.

And much less intelligence.


BA-ZING-A-LING

Posted by: admin at January 22, 2009 7:39 PM

And much less intelligence.

And with slightly less intelligence than that, that would be Paris Hilton!

BA-ZING-A-LING-DING-DONG-CUPCAKE!

Posted by: Kayanne at January 22, 2009 7:45 PM

This is actually an easter egg fake "real" trailer from the super special ed-ition of Tropic Thunder. It HAS to be, right?

Or some genius chopped this up from other movies and trailers, all Youtube style, and created the commentary on the sad state of formulaic action movies, right? It HAS to be, right?

I mean why else would the voiceover say "THE Way of War" but the words on the screen say "Way of War"? This is all on purpose, right? Right?

Posted by: JapJay at January 22, 2009 7:50 PM

BTW, shit like this just makes me want to kill myself all over again.

Posted by: JapJay at January 22, 2009 7:53 PM

Dammit, people! You WILL respect thae Gooding again! Didn't you hear the end of the trailer.

He is THE WOLF!!!! THE MOTHERFRAK*()%##)(*@$)*) WOLF!!!!!

RESPECT HIS WOLFNESS!!!!!

Posted by: Vermillion at January 22, 2009 8:59 PM

How are we not even TALKING about his casual statement: "I am the wolf"? I almost PEED MY PANTS.

Posted by: j at January 22, 2009 8:59 PM

I'm able to leave work early right now but that trailer so baffled and, frankly, pissed, that it exists that I'm here telling you all. The screenwriter wrote that off a madlib and a dare, didn't they?

Posted by: JayJap at January 22, 2009 9:07 PM

Even as I type this, I cannot stop belly laughing. We're talking full-on, Tom Hanks bathtub through the floor laughing. LOL does not cut it. That was the most amazingly bad thing I've ever seen. Even the voice over guy sounds like he's literally phoning it in. I'm now signing every email, letter, or interoffice memo with the phrase, "I am the Wolf. I kill people." ROTFFLMFAOOL in my pants

Posted by: puppetDoug at January 22, 2009 9:24 PM

"They pissed off the wrong Mexican."

Posted by: Audiosuede at January 22, 2009 9:35 PM

Cuba Gooding, the Christopher Walken of black actors.

Posted by: George at January 22, 2009 9:41 PM

Don't you insult Christopher Walken that way.

Posted by: puppetDoug at January 22, 2009 9:42 PM

Cuba Gooding is the god damned batman!

Posted by: George at January 22, 2009 9:46 PM

That would be Adam West, George.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 22, 2009 9:48 PM

For a split second I thought I saw Lance Reddick.... Nope,couldn't be. "The Bunk" would not be pleased.

Posted by: copaceticindeed at January 22, 2009 10:17 PM

You're right, that was unfair to Christopher Walken, he's actually done decent films every now and then. And Daddy Day Camp was way worse than anything with Christopher Walken.

I hope one of the lines from this film is, "Are you dense or retarded? I'm the god damn Batman... I mean... I'm the god damn Wolf!"

This movie couldn't be any stupider if it had Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, and Larry the Cable Guy.

Posted by: George at January 22, 2009 11:04 PM

The only thing that could have redeemed this movie would be Simmons switching to full-on Schillinger mode on the "oscar-winning" Cuba Gooding Jr., possibly spooning him (and I am not thinking about hugging him tightly in bed), Oz style...If anybody deserved it, it surely must be C.G.Jr.

Posted by: marija at January 23, 2009 3:18 AM

I am the Barbado Wolf... or Slim Wolf..., you may also address me as Wolf Slim..

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 23, 2009 5:45 AM

Plothole alert - Why would you murder a former assassin's family and leave him alive. That's like poking a wolf with a ... Oh wait .. I get it now.

Posted by: Lee at January 23, 2009 7:12 AM

I wonder if they actually made more than one version and this is like the sixth and they only used that one because the others were even worse

Posted by: tris at January 23, 2009 7:31 AM

And with slightly less intelligence than that, that would be Paris Hilton!

And with a penis, that would be Cuba Gooding,Jr.

And, as decried by His Holy Godtopus and the Messiah Kolbaby, we close the blessed circle of suck.

Posted by: admin at January 23, 2009 9:01 AM

How dare you sir! How dare you invoke the name of the holy Passiah in the presence of such filth?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 23, 2009 9:13 AM

It was decried BSlim! I had to end the suckitude or face wrath. Terrible, drooling, cooing, diaper filling Wrath!

Posted by: admin at January 23, 2009 9:35 AM

"I am the wolf. I kill people." This is my official nomination of Cuba Gooding Jr. for #1 Pajiba quote of the week.

Posted by: Lucas at January 23, 2009 10:39 AM

I miss the "In a world.." trailer guy...

And anyway, wasn't this trailer at the beginning of Tropic Thunder? No way this is a real movie.

Posted by: stryker1121 at January 23, 2009 10:44 AM

I love how they don't even know what the title of this movie is. At the end it says "WAY OF WAR" and then right after that, another title screen comes up and says "THE WAY OF WAR."

Posted by: BWeaves at January 23, 2009 11:08 AM

Funny, I just saw this on my Netflix 'movies I might like' list or some such thing. What does that say about me?

Way of Direct to Video or THE Way of Direct to Video?

Posted by: kevinff at January 23, 2009 12:33 PM

BWeaves & stryker1121, you guys are about 20 posts too late with those references. We of like minds, my friends.

Posted by: JapJay at January 23, 2009 2:15 PM

One of the best looks-like-a-parody-trailer that is an actual trailer I've seen. Something like about 15 action / one-man-against-system / revenge / rogue-assassin movie cliches in 30 seconds of trailer.

Posted by: zeropointzero at January 25, 2009 4:07 PM