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Watching the Marmaduke Trailer Feels a Lot Like Having a Shampoo Bottle Shoved Halfway Up Your Ass

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (61)

slice_marmaduke_01.jpg

I’m sorry. I have no idea what’s going on in this trailer. I blacked out right after I recognized Lee Pace and Judy Greer in a talking animal movie. When I woke up, I was naked lying under the cold spray of my shower and I had scratch marks across my chest and a shampoo bottle shoved halfway up my ass.


I’ve got the world’s most powerful headache now, so I don’t think I’ll try watching it again. Why don’t the rest of you give it a shot, and you can tell me what you think. I can tell you this much: The animals are voiced by George Lopez — *lightheaded* — Keifer Sutherland, Fergie, Emma Stone — *woozy* — Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Ron Perlman and …

*thunk*










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Comments

Only half way up your ass ?

Posted by: Alex the not so odd at March 26, 2010 10:32 AM

As much as I love a little prostate stimulation, this movie is going to suck and it's going to suck hard. I'm taking the coward's way out. Bye y'all!

*Puts gun to temple, pulls trigger*

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at March 26, 2010 10:37 AM

I was actually gonna post this as another entry in Hollywood Word Jumble, but when I got saw Emma Stone, Fergie, Ron Perlman and George Lopez, I had to stop. Blood was coming out of my ears. I blacked out and woke to find myself smothering my elderly neighbor.

Posted by: TK at March 26, 2010 10:37 AM

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
I don't think I'll be able to get over that trailer. I am just going to call it a day and go back home to hide under the bed now.

Posted by: JenVegas at March 26, 2010 10:38 AM

Braaaaaaains...Even without them, this movie sucks. Braaaaains!

Posted by: The Reanimated Corpse Of Jeremy Feist at March 26, 2010 10:38 AM

The Chipmunks movie is no longer the worst thing ever.

Also, there is no God.

...Does anyone have a cold washcloth handy?...

Posted by: Jerce at March 26, 2010 10:43 AM

it is poison from the start; at 2:01 it becomes a razorblade wrapped in a nightmare

Posted by: Christopher at March 26, 2010 10:44 AM

Feels a Lot Like Having a Shampoo Bottle Shoved Halfway Up Your Ass

Now push it in and out, at a Medium Pace....

Posted by: Xtreme at March 26, 2010 10:46 AM

Oh, dear God... et tu, William H. Macy??

And don't drink and drive, kids, or you could end up being a cartoon dog's voice, like Kiefer Sutherland.

Lee Pace, I wish you were better than this. Man, do I wish you were better than this.

And a choreographed CGI dog dance?

*scrambles around looking for Feisty's gun, hoping it's still got a bullet in the chamber*

Posted by: Jelinas at March 26, 2010 10:50 AM

no words

Posted by: anikitty at March 26, 2010 10:53 AM

In Other Words: Some of You May Like It

This is just fucking insulting and the last straw. Alex the Odd nails it, readers of this site fall into two groups, those who would NOT enjoy it at all and those who would want the bottle shoved all the way. No half assed bottle shoving around here mister. Besides, anyone going to theater to get the giant red rocket from Marmaduke had better take that whole damn bottle just as a stretching exercise.

Posted by: EricD at March 26, 2010 10:58 AM

Why, oh why did I even click that link in your Twitter feed. Only one thing to say:
"Mr. Marmaduke, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

Posted by: mtgcolorpie at March 26, 2010 11:00 AM

The comic strip isn't funny, I'm not sure it ever was. So: Why?

*eyes shampoo bottles with lust. Hmmm, who do I love more today, the Head n Shoulders or the Prell? Who wants to be my pretty one today, hmmmm?*

Posted by: , at March 26, 2010 11:03 AM

Doggie. Linedancing.

*headasplode*

Posted by: feramones at March 26, 2010 11:04 AM

"Owen Wilson is Marmaduke"

Isn't that guy on suicide watch?

Posted by: superasente at March 26, 2010 11:11 AM

"When I woke up, I was naked lying under the cold spray of my shower and I had scratch marks across my chest and a shampoo bottle shoved halfway up my ass."

Sounds like somebody got an early start on the weekend.

Posted by: Groundloop at March 26, 2010 11:17 AM

And I thought the "Serbian Film" trailer was disturbing. Auuuuuuuugh.

Posted by: b at March 26, 2010 11:23 AM

Talking animal movies need to be put down.

Oh Lee Pace, I was hoping for so much more from you.

OK, I looked away while I was writing this and when I looked back a group of dogs was dancing en masse. I just...oh god, it's playing on a loop. I need to bail.

Posted by: Carrie (Teabelly) at March 26, 2010 11:34 AM

The comic strip isn't funny, I'm not sure it ever was. So: Why?

I find myself asking the exact same question. Since our suggestions seem to always find their way through the ether into execs' pea-brains, let's just say that I'm now expecting a movie based off something that rhymes with Camily Fircus.

Posted by: branded at March 26, 2010 11:35 AM

Screw this I'm gonna check out the NuvaRing ad in the top corner. Time to click the "See how easy NuvaRing is to use"

Posted by: bob at March 26, 2010 11:37 AM

Someone mentioned, in the "My Fair Lady" discussion, that news of its remake wouldn't be the worst movie news seen on Pajiba today. May I present the People's Case, Article #1. A movie about a comic strip that NO ONE FREAKING LIKES.

At least the "My Fair Lady" news came with that absolutely stunning photo of Ms. Mulligan. Here I get a photo of a dog, news of George Lopez and... jeez...

At least the Human Centipede has offered month after month of delightful (ahem, albeit disgusting) jokes.

Posted by: lubeg at March 26, 2010 11:51 AM

Next up on the list of movies based on comic strips about dogs that just flat out aren't funny..."Fred Basset".

Insert stupid voice actors names here. (Remove shampoo bottle first.)

Posted by: Uncle JR at March 26, 2010 11:56 AM

This isn't even scraping the bottom of the barrel. They're just spitting in it now. I'm so sick of Owen fucking Wilson and his smug fucking voice.

William H. Macy, be honest with me. Do you need money? Is that it? Clearly there's something else going on here. I know times are hard, but I have a few bucks I can lend you. And don't say "I'm doing this for the kids." That don't fly with me. That's what Pixar is for. Not this.

The sad things is that I already know at least a dozen people (and their kids) who will be in line to see this the day it's released.

The dancing dogs...I can't. I just can't.

Posted by: Brie at March 26, 2010 12:13 PM

I don't know why any of you are bitching. I'm the one who's going to have to sit through this piece of shit with my four year old god-daughter.

Posted by: bignick at March 26, 2010 12:13 PM

At least the Human Centipede has offered month after month of delightful (ahem, albeit disgusting) jokes.

Posted by: lubeg at March 26, 2010 11:51 AM
--------------------------------------------------

Holy crap, lubeg, I totally read that as "the Human Centipede has offered mouth after mouth of delightful (ahem, albeit disgusting) jokes," and sprayed coffee all over my laptop.

Human Centipide, FTW!!

Posted by: Jelinas at March 26, 2010 12:23 PM

Why, thank you.

Posted by: Human Centipede at March 26, 2010 12:25 PM

And Lee Pace takes the money from this to make a Pushing Daisies motion picture.
I just know it. This is just for the money. He hasn't changed He'll show all of you!
And then he'll return to smite our enemies!

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 26, 2010 12:37 PM

Human Centipede makes everything better. (It's true!)

Posted by: MM at March 26, 2010 12:39 PM

I love when I don't even have to watch the trailer to get the full effect. The comments (such as "DOGGY LINE DANCING") do enough. And I can forget that pretty quickly, but I wouldn't forget if I actually saw it. I saved myself a brain aneurysm.

That being said, that dog in the photo is adorable. I love Great Danes. I wish I could have one. Maybe I could ride it.

Posted by: figgy at March 26, 2010 12:50 PM

Why thank you, Jelinas, for proving my point :D

Posted by: lubeg at March 26, 2010 12:50 PM

My computer mercifully froze at the minute marker, but then I read this comment:

it is poison from the start; at 2:01 it becomes a razorblade wrapped in a nightmare

and i thought, oh really? it couldn't possibly be worse than that first minute of mind'splodin' fuckery.

but Holy Cruise.

I bet L. Ron has something to do with this.

Posted by: stopthemadness at March 26, 2010 12:53 PM

figgy, please bestow some of your self-control upon my hapless head.

i think my life is ruined.

Posted by: stopthemadness at March 26, 2010 12:54 PM

At least the Human Centipede has offered month after month of delightful (ahem, albeit disgusting) jokes.

Posted by: lubeg at March 26, 2010 11:51 AM

All right, look ass hole (heh, "Look ass hole," pointing to the ass hole in front), you wouldn't find this so particularly funny were you in my predicament... oh no... no...

mfff brrfff mrrff mrrfff

Oh god... oh god no... Segment One just reacted to the trailer... oh... oh... oh...

See, this is what I mean. I *HAVE* to vomit in my mouth! And do you realize... oh god... oh dear GOD... do you realize what that MEANS?! Do you realize just precisely what it means when the flavor of shampoo represents AN IMPROVEMENT!

FML

Posted by: Human Centipede - Segment Two at March 26, 2010 12:56 PM

WHAT THE FUCK WAS TH....excuse me. There are four horseman galloping towards me and I believe that smell is brimstone. I'm saving my own ass. You bitches can fend for yourselves.

Posted by: stardust at March 26, 2010 12:56 PM

Okay, I'm officially announcing that I am splitting off from the Godtopus worshiping masses of Pajiba, and starting my own cult in which we worship the Human Centipede. It's grosser and the babtism cerimony is AWFUL, but our God manifests at amazing times with rousing words of wisdom.

mfff brrfff mrrff mrrfff indeed, my lord.

*kneels*
*thinks twice about his decision to kneel and stands quickly*

And we don't have to kneel. Just trust me, it's the right decision.

Posted by: superasente at March 26, 2010 1:32 PM

...not only am I'm rooting for the Bauer, but I'm adopting that dog and its cronies so we can fight terrorism one bite at a time.

Coming Soon: Doc and the Bauer...because my mind blacked out after the third "MARMADUKE!" and came up with something infinitely better.

Posted by: DoctorControversy at March 26, 2010 1:42 PM

Figgz, if you love Great Danes, you'll love Giant George. The first time I ever saw a picture of him, I couldn't believe he wasn't Photoshopped.

***

"O thou Human Centipide, thou art a great, but terrible (terrible) (terrible) god. Be merciful to thy supplicants and make us to look on thy fearsome visage(s) no more. For who can gaze upon thy face(s) and live?"

And the Centipede did grin (all three sections), and the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, whilst their lord crapped solemnly into the mouths of its hintersections.

And there was much rejoicing. (Yay.)

Posted by: Jelinas at March 26, 2010 2:00 PM

noooooo.....nooooooo dancing doggies...bodies warped into unnatural shapes....uggggggggg.

Posted by: replica at March 26, 2010 2:22 PM

May the holy trinity of hintersections be with you, Brother Jelinas; and may the ass-vomit of our lord fill your belly and lubricate those that are attached to your soul. At the ass.

Posted by: superasente at March 26, 2010 2:51 PM

The trailer stopped halfway through and wouldn't start again to fulfill my masochistic instincts. It's almost making me reconsider my stance on God because, clearly, something is looking out for me.

Posted by: Geetch at March 26, 2010 3:03 PM

Ha! Screw you guys, back here I can't see anything! At last this spot has some perks.

Posted by: Human Centipede-segment three at March 26, 2010 3:10 PM

Oh, Human Centipede, I humbly request to joint the brother (sister) hood of those who are loyal, worshipful, and strangely perverted. As a member of Your following, I would continue Your mission faithfully, making disgusting jokes and raising bile into the mouths of those around me regularly. It has long been an ambition of mine to fully commit to a cause I found worthy, and I believe You are a beacon of dark to my light life -- an inspiration that will guide my thoughts ever down the nastier path as I move through this world so full of purity. Please accept me into the fold, and allow me to express my awe and reverence at even being allowed to submit an application.

Resume and References available upon request.

Posted by: esme at March 26, 2010 3:47 PM

"Hot Cheese!" Truer words have never been spoken...by a dog. Gonna have to make sure I shut off the commercials before the kids see 'em because never never never never never.

Posted by: Chickaboom at March 26, 2010 4:07 PM

Stupid doggie film = anal dildo rape. If we accept that equivalency as valid, what does a movie like Iron Man equal?

Posted by: The Wanderer at March 26, 2010 4:27 PM

Iron Man= A level of awesome so grand as to make anal dildo rape utterly forgettable.

Does that answer your question, Wanderer?

Posted by: bignick at March 26, 2010 4:43 PM

Iron Man is Airwolf.

Posted by: lubeg at March 26, 2010 4:48 PM

You know. I have long pondered the dearth of multi-function ergonomically designed(and possibly anatomically correct) shampoo/conditioner bottles on the market. I mean, it seems a natural leap to make. One is already in the shower with a few spare minutes to kill while the conditioner does it's magic. What else is there to do? A smooth talking shower head is already a great companion, why not add a cleverly designed shampoo bottle to the mix!
One of you designer types needs to get right on that.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at March 26, 2010 4:48 PM

Ha! Screw you guys, back here I can't see anything! At last this spot has some perks.

Quit acting like your shit don't stink, swallower.

Posted by: Human Centipede Segment One at March 26, 2010 4:56 PM

Lindsey, see the movie "Cash Back" for more shampoo bottle design antics. Or, y'know, see it cause it's awesome.

Posted by: superasente at March 26, 2010 5:15 PM

Bignick, I'd accept that as valid, but perhaps we could quantify it a bit more closely. I'll have to think about it.

Lindsey with an e, I saw an ad for something like that in Kentucky Fried Movie or The Boob Tube way back in the Never-Never. The ad depicted a woman in a shower suing the newest feminine body wash, the container of which was shaped to look like the standard personal vibrator.

Neat stuff (and I agree that Marketing needs to get on the stick about that).

Posted by: The Wanderer at March 26, 2010 5:48 PM

Did someone say "Camily Fircus"?

http://dfc.furr.org/archive/7.html

Posted by: Craig at March 26, 2010 5:58 PM

So Hollywood has run out of garbage TV shows to remake, they're resorting to garbage newspaper comics?

To quote Ferris Bueller's Day Off: "I weep for the future".

Posted by: Hershell L. at March 26, 2010 7:10 PM

Didn't Marmaduke live with two old people? Either way I'm fairly sure he didnt talk either. Also does anyone else see obvious Marley and Me references here, also Garfield. Hollywood is sad, do people have any original ideas anymore?

Posted by: polkafrenzy at March 27, 2010 3:46 AM

Hey segment one, I'm tired of taking your shit. No, really, that's all I've got to say.

Posted by: Human Centipede-segment three at March 27, 2010 3:06 PM

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