Pajiba

How is Jennifer Garner qualify as a 'not so obnoxious' celebrity? Obviously you've never seen her interviewed.

WTF? I watched that clip twice and still didn't see the Pacific Princess, Capt. Stubing, Isaac, or Julie Your Cruise Director snorting coke like a banshee.

It looks cute, like a movie you can go see with your mom, ie my mom. She freaks at the slightest BOO. My step-dad took her to see 'Audition,' not the greatest choice. She walked out and he stayed.

Anywhoos, also not sure how Carter Jenkins is an obnoxious celebrity, he's so cute and I had to look him up on imdb http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1334396/.

Maybe because he's gonna sleep with Emma Roberts in the film. He was Hugh Jackman's kid on "Viva Laughlin," you can't hate a kid for trying.

Wait! How is Topher Grace obnoxious?

Yes, yes he looks bad with blond hair/destroyed the character of Venom, but he was good in 'Traffic' and other things.

Also Patrick Dempsey has awesome hair and I love that the dweeb from 'Can't Buy Me Love' grew up to be such a hottie. I was also going to mention something about 'Grey's,' but then I thought my argument would collapse.

How come everyone is leaving Hector Elizondo off the obnoxious/not obnoxious lists?

Is it because he is too obnoxious?

Is it because he is nowhere even near obnoxious, so far from it actually, that he need not even appear on a list?

Is it because he wreaks of awesome?

Or is it because his name is Hector?

It is isn't it? It's because his name is Hector.

...fucking racists.

Fucking Phoenix. Whoring out that song to this shit stain. First that goddamn car commercial borrows 1901 to hawk some turd of an automobile and now they allow Lisztomania to be used for this? It's not selling out, it's buying in, I guess.

Ditto on the stabby-ness PissBoy. Fuck man, I hate that song. Rhyming Up with Cup does not make you a musician! Also, Wil.I.Am, your fucking name is stupid and I hate you.

That Black Eyed Peas song is actually the worst pop I've ever heard. This film looks bad too.

LOOK at Taylor Lautner's head in that header picture. Just look at it. Stare at it for a moments. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH IT?! Is it just me? Is anyone else seeing this?

Ashton Kutcher voice-over + that damn Black Eyed Peas song (no, I will not use the title, no matter how many times they sing it) = instant, horrible, burning-death FAIL.

And you cannot recapture the magic that is Love, Actually without Bill Nighy. That's a fact.

What the hell is up with that guy's head in the picture? Is it shrunken? I'm freaking out just looking at it.

John Denver's Wingman: Now I see. Also, good simile.

Do Jen Garner and (my boyfriend)Bradley have any screentime together? Cause as an ex-Alias addict, that'd be awesome. Cause Syd's dumb ass SO should've hooked up with Will, more than just the once.

Anyway. I'll see it for Bradley. But probably not in theaters. Maybe.

...which is when I replied, 'I didn't get distracted, I was actively engaged in neglecting my responsibilities, you maniac. Also, cast iron skillets do not speak, so this conversation isn't taking place in any kind of familiar reality.'

The Beginning...

Whilst engaging in my daily rounds of mental self-flagellation, I wondered to myself, 'Oh, wither with the Pajiba, anon?' I speak like this in my brain because one of my degrees is in English Literature, and this weekend's thread taught me that I can't let the people know this.

For the love of Pazuzu, don't ask about anything else, that damned English is the closest to 'legitimate' post-secondary blight I've got. I don't want to talk about the rest.

Right, so back on track, I'm an idiot. So, this idiot was scrubbing her skillet (that's not a euphemism) with sea salt, because it's not as if I have any tequila in the house, just bacon grease stains and shame (which are often one in twain). This was turning out to be something of a headache, as I burned my finger on Friday. Not even a colander can break through this 'reptilian only, higher cognitive facility need not apply' brain-firkin. Feckin' firkin.

And as I was watching the trailer, I slammed my burnt finger. But I wasn't distracted by the trailer, I was ignoring the phone call coming my sister (I assume) which would be wondering if I had attended to any of the burning failures I jumped myself into'. So the TRAILER had no effect.

So, I watched it again. We established that I'm an idiot. SO:

The boy had more lines than almost anyone in that trailer, a comment on the talent of his co-stars? I'll bet he's just another mugging 'scamp' who tests the limits of our 'I believe in peace, bitch' stances.

Bradley Cooper, huh? Still? No, he's not a joker-faced bag of de-fortified oatmeal.

Is this Taylor Swift 'Pity Pretty Pony Pity Picked Pickled Pony Piety Peptic Sleepover Parade' thing done? YET?!

There seem to be a lot of 'reboot efforts' in this cast. I will not stay at the Budget Lodge.

I can't say that I've seen enough of Patrick Dempsey to have any real opinion of him (or maybe that fact speaks for itself), but a man cannot live on haircuts alone.

Jessica Alba as a blonde convinces me just a little more than Jessica Alba as a concept. 'WOW'.

The problem with the head on the picture is that due to the fact that 'The Juice has been loose' for quite some time now, his over-taxed musculature can't figure out a way to deal with the impending breast budding, and his head is retreating back into its shell.

Shirley McClain? That's not what Buddy Ebsen told me.

Jennifer Garner wishes she could be as bland as the Biel. Unfortunately, the 'aw shucks' routine is so damned aggressive, it's reeks of 'The lady doth bra burn too much', so you're forced to wince. Maybe they can take up 'dueling gummi worm lips and macrame purses for the actualized woman'.

George Lopez: In the spirit of your groundbreaking comedic skills, I'm going to take a note from your 'If anyone ever criticises my work, I'll say it's because I'm a Chicano person, and THAT's what makes me untouchable, and THAT's what gives me my GIANT head' coursebook.

Ahem.

George Lopez? Try: George 'No-pez'. WHEEEEEEEE!!!

I'M NOT DONE!!!!

Anne Hathaway, know thy namesake. She's the one who got the 'second best bed', are you getting anything from this?

Eric Dane: Starred in the OPEN WATER no one cared about, plays second-fiddle to a guy who would have to save up to be the poor man's Katharine Heigl on a show that no one has cared about since the time people even entertained the idea of trying to pronounce her name correctly. He can't even make a sex tape right. You're dismissed, beta.

The Guy from 'That Terrible Show', This just came in over Twitter: I don't know what 'Twitter' is, but I replaced Demi with Rumer while you were toking-out with some empties you discovered from your January Jones era. You didn't know the difference because you don't know anything. Don't you WISH it were just crow you were eating. Yeah, cry harder, Jocasta.

And YOU, Topher. First. You and Ashes just need to accept that you're 'Chris 1' and 'Chris 2'. And guess who's number two? You left the show (good first step), but you've been downgraded to working with Ashton Kutcher, AGAIN! That's sick! I'm buying a cattle prod, I have to teach you!

Emma Roberts: Your dad looks like a registered sex offender. Also see, 'Emma Roberts'. Filed under, 'Your dad is likely a sex offender'. Also see, 'Emma Roberts'. Filed under, 'Pfft.' And as for your gala-stompin' aunt, you thank GOD that 30 Rock took Mystic Pizza out of your wizened grasp which is so disdainful of the healing properties of potted plants (that's what that meant, right)? Jane Krakowski is now the most endearing thing about you. AND THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!

Miley? I don't LIKE you!

GARCON? YOU SAID MY HATERADE WOULD BE MOSTLY MILEPEDE-FREE!

Bedtime. I gotta go fail at some more shit tomorrow. Night, Pajiba Buds.

Of course not. No insult intended.