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Which Sign of the Apocalypse are We Up To?

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (18)

UniversalSoldier_scene_01.jpg

On May 12 of this year, Dustin said of the trailer for Jean-Claude Van Damme’s The Eagle’s Path that “though Van Damme has a certain flair for running a camera up a woman’s leg, he should probably get out of the writing/directing business. Maybe try a Bloodsport reboot. Or a Universal Soldier sequel. Timecop remake?”

Oh Dustin, why must you use your powers of internet suggestion only for evil?

The trailer for the fifth fucking Universal Soldier film was released last week, a straight-to-DVD release bringing back Van Damme and fellow Universal Soldier ultra super mega star Dolph Lundgren. Five? They must buy their suck at Costco, because it usually only comes in singles or three-packs. It’s like the guy from Greek mythology who wished for immortality but forgot to ask for eternal youth as well. Van Damme sold his soul to star in an endless franchise but forgot to ask for it to be successful too.

I wonder how long straight-to-DVD releases are even going to survive in a Netflix world. They used to make their mediocre money on the backs of renters who showed up at Blockbuster after ten on a Friday, knowing anything good would be gone, but banking that the straight-to-DVD was good for some explosions and tits if nothing else. It sure beat watching Nickelodeon reruns with your Pabst. Now though? With seventy channels, pay-per-view, stacks of TV series DVDs good for rewatching, Netflix DVDs by mail, and an internet full of a lot more than explosions and tits, how do these sorts of films even hope to make back their budgets?










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Comments

I pray to GOD that they only use their lines from Rocky IV and Bloodsport, out-of-context and everything.

Drago: I must break you.
*giant fucking explosion*
Frank Dux: Go for the gut. He's soft there.
*blood splashes on the camera*
Drago: If he dies, he dies.
*Van Damme looks constipated*
Frank Dux: To honor you, shidoshi.
*Arlovski touched by feather, sustains major concussion*

Posted by: Kballs at November 30, 2009 9:12 AM

It's not like I expect any quality at all followed by the words "Jean-Claude Van Damme," that's like expecting to find the words "crunkcore band brokeNCYDE" not followed by "worse than Hitler."

Posted by: George at November 30, 2009 9:13 AM

I kind of liked the first "Universal Soldier". I had no idea that they kept making them.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at November 30, 2009 9:23 AM

The final showdown? Promise?

Posted by: FabMax at November 30, 2009 9:44 AM

JCVD's directorial debut, The Quest, was actually pretty damn good. Even had Roger Moore as a co-star.

Posted by: Adam C at November 30, 2009 9:59 AM

The fifth one? Jebus JCVD, the only way your going to make this one work is if you get out the crushed glass.

Posted by: admin at November 30, 2009 10:01 AM

FIVE?

There are FIVE?

That's ridiculous. Retarded. The most asinine thing I've ever heard. Who keeps green lighting these things? What moron keeps watching these things.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the DVD bargain bin. I heard that... um... some new Criterion stuff was there. Yes. That's it.

/ashamed

Posted by: TK at November 30, 2009 10:07 AM

Annnnnnd JCVD squanders all the goodwill he earned with "JCVD." Nice job.

Posted by: , at November 30, 2009 10:33 AM

When I went to see The Dark Knight, I caught a showing on opening night and I was in a jam-packed theater. During the opening trailers, they had a trailer for a new Starship Troopers movie, and everyone was kind of watching while they turned off cell phones and the like up until the trailer announced that it was Starship Troopers 3. The theater went quiet, and during the silence one guy leaned over to his buddy to ask what everyone was thinking: "There was a second one?"

That's exactly how I feel about news of a 5th Universal Soldier movie.

Posted by: Tyburn Blossom at November 30, 2009 10:38 AM

To what depths has this franchise gone? The third movie starred Burt Reynolds.

Posted by: branded at November 30, 2009 11:29 AM

Number 1: Universal Soldier
Number 2: Universal Soldier II: Brothers in Arms
Number 3: Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business
Number 4: Universal Soldier IV: The Musical? Electric Boogaloo? Meth Ain't Gonna Buy Itself?

Seriously, even IMDB doesn't have this turkey listed.

Number 5: Universal Soldier: Man Boobs.

That's just judging by the picture up there.

Posted by: mrcreosote at November 30, 2009 11:50 AM

Dolph Lundgren is looking good.

Posted by: Mebe at November 30, 2009 1:14 PM

And to think, JCVD turned down a role in The Expendables because his character didn't have enough "substance." JCVD really? Really?

I loved the first Universal Soldier...I even kind of liked the one that had Bill Goldberg in it...which was actually the 4th one.
Universal Soldier (1992)
Universal Soldier II: Brothers in Arms (1998)
Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business (1998)
Universal Soldier IV: The Return (1999)
Universal Soldier V: Regeneration (2009)

Posted by: DeistBrawler at November 30, 2009 1:45 PM

I love how the subtitles of the last three essentially express the same concept.

Posted by: Minty at November 30, 2009 2:58 PM

Universal Soldier (1992)
Universal Soldier II: Brothers in Arms (1998)
Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business (1998)
Universal Soldier IV: The Return (1999)
Universal Soldier V: Regeneration (2009)

Universal Soldier VI: Fuck It!

Posted by: greer at November 30, 2009 7:12 PM

This is all a hoot and a holler for most of you, but I live on a military base where at least two out of three men not only think this is just fantastic news, but actually model themselves after this franchise. I will likely see this film work itself out into a tattoo on someone by the end of the year.

Posted by: Benny at November 30, 2009 7:38 PM

Benny! Dolph/Damme tatties? Photos where ever, when ever! Oh please!

Posted by: replica at November 30, 2009 9:27 PM

I'm not kidding, either. On our racks at the supermarket we carry "Assault Rifle" AND "Knives". Magazine.

Posted by: Benny at November 30, 2009 11:57 PM