Pajiba

Annnnnnnnd now I have eye cancer too.

"It all begins
With a choice"

Well, at least that's true. It's all about healthy choices people!

Meh. Does it suck? Yes. But do I care? No. I've become comfortably numb about the whole Twilight phenomenon.

Oh Dustin.

Between this trailer, unmentionable personal issues and that spoiler you mentioned about Remember Me being confirmed I have SO MUCH I WANT TO RANT ABOUT. But I fear it'd be to unkind to spew forth the venomous hate unto the masses round here. Maybe I should just write a letter.

-Sent via Helper Monkey
Kayanne now suffers from permanent blind rage due to that FUCKING MOVIE displayed above and now must force a monkey to do her damnable typing for her.

I want a typing monkey! Where did you get it?

*spoiler alert cont'd*
DoctorControversy I SWEAR TO GOD I DON'T WANT UNLEASH THE FURRY, BUT THAT FUCKING LAZY-ASS WRITING IS GIVING ME THE FITS!

admin my helper monkey? Oh, you see it's a weird story. I was picking somebody up from the airport the other day and this dude was just selling this monkey, but he was totally shifty about it. He was sweaty and little red marks and whatever, dude probably had eczema, anyway, he said he needed to get the monkey off his hands and he'd sell it to me for cheap. He told me it was trainable, but when I first got him to start working the keys, he got all angry and bit me a couple times. Anyway, he's totally awesome now! He's stopped shaking and he doesn't bite any more. But I think I'll have to use him more... I feel like I've got this weird spring flu coming on. I feel all hot and sneezy.

Probably just allergies.

Hey weird, why is Dustin Hoffman in my office with a bee keeper's suit on?

So help me, I don't understand the hate. As per my previous post (on the 10 sec trailer) - these fans are no different than Star Wars or Star Trek fans. You either like it, and get into the story, or don't and find something else better suited to your taste.
I hate Twizzlers. HATE. THEM. They taste like waxy plastic. My best friend is addicted and neither of us understands how the other can't appreciate them for what they are.
The Twihards don't annoy me any more than Eagles' fans do. If that's what you're into, more power to you.
I didn't get into Harry Potter, but I can see how it was appealing to people. Doesn't make me smarter, more mature - it just wasn't my bag.

Helper Monkey?

What the fuck man? *sigh* The seller told me you wouldn't develop a personality. Guess I'll have to give you an extra special banana for lunch today.

Good save, courtney.

Im so Bleh about the whole thing I tried to read the book and watch the film to have a fair balanced opinion but they were both so goddamn boring, so, so, so boring and stupid very stupid.

Side note-Kristen Stewart looks very pretty with the brown contacts maybe she shoud keep them??

@Fredo: "Progressive views on a woman't role"?

Lord... the characters in the Twilight series are the cliche. Shy girl meets bad boy; bad boy must overcome emotional obstacle to deserve girl; other boy fighting for the love of said girl; girl must make a choice [insert dramatic pause].

Nothing new, nothing different, and nothing any more or less insulting that every romantic comedy, soap opera, Jane Austen or Bronte novel.

courtney: for the love of everything sacred and good, you did NOT just put down Jane Austen or Charlotte Bronte (Emily's on her own) to the level of Stephenie Fucking Meyer. I promise not to go all Women's Lit 101 here, but I get really angry when people use Austen and Meyer in the same sentence. Whatever your feelings for Austen/Charlotte may be, (have you read the books or seen the movies? Because the movies play up the "romance" without giving the cultural context), admit that at least they could craft a better sentence, minus sparkly vampires.

Fredo: I'm so with you on that!

I'm told, by my teenage niece...

**SPOILER ALERT**

that the Bella chick vindicates herself at the end by proving to be the strongest one or something to that effect. Something about super powers. My niece tells me that the girl was always unsure of herself, but eventually gets her shit together and ends up being the 'saviour'.

I have a horrible, disturbing feeling I'm going to have to read these books now, so I can make a more educated opinion on the matter. I supposed it's just as unfair of me to defend them without knowing what I'm talking about...

Still, it's just a story. My niece doesn't seem affected by reading the series... hasn't started dressing goth or pining after bed-headed boys. She said she liked the books, thought the story was "fun". I think that's the whole point.

And Fredo, I WILL HOLD YOU DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE if I start wearing a "Team Edward" t-shirt.

OwowowowowOW! That trailer literally made my head hurt.

THERE ARE NO SPARKLES IN THE SUNLIGHT! WHY DID THEY STOP SPARKLING?????

Perhaps it has something to do with either the shitty writing, the smell-the-fart/have-to-vomit acting, or just .... no give-a-shitness.

Seriously, there's been so much said about the levels of crapitude this dreck achieves, that really, what can I say? Just three things.

1) Looks like things might actually happen in this one. Is this the one where she gets pregnant? IS IT? I might watch that.

2) Taylor Lautner is still the fucking ugliest human being I have ever seen.

3) Rob Pattinson mumbles a lot.

SO. how many more til this is over?

NO DAMN YOU STUPID TRAILER I DON'T WANT TO WATCH YOU AGAIN.

courtney you have some valid points, but clearly you and others have NOT met any real hardcore Twilight fans. If you had, like me and so many others here, you wouldn't be so blase about this whole thing. Trust me, you wouldn't. Call me when you've met a 45 year old mother who is seriously, seriously, SERIOUSLY in love with the very idea of Edward Cullen and thinks there's nothing wrong with that. I'm completely serious here. Twihards are SCARY people.

@figgy: I'm married to a man that is SERIOUSLY in love with the Redskins. Those Edward Cullen body pillows have nothing on the football memorabilia in this house...

So, is the offense the fact that there are people out there who take the story too seriously, or that they take a stupid story too seriously?

It's the level of seriousness to which they take a really terrible, really stupid story to heart. It might not be end-of-the-world type bad, but it's bad.

Anyway, it's really fun to make fun of them. It's only not fun when they get scary.

Twilight IS horror movies, except the horror is real. Horror is hearing this in a restaurant:

"It's just funny that my daughter & I now have the same favorite actor!"

"Who?"

"Taylor Lautner."

Yo, woman, you're like 40! I'm glad that sensation returned to your webby bits at the site of a ripped boy model, but keep them shits to yourself!

figgy: My boyfriend and I accidentally wandered into Barnes and Noble the night that "Breaking Dawn" premiered. There were teenagers AND adults dressed in prom attire IN AUGUST with "Team Edward" and "Team Jacob" signs. There was even a young adult male with a tail hanging out of his pants and a sign that said, "Hug me, I'm a werewolf." That scared me to no end.

I mean, every cultural phenomenon has its rabid followers, but I have yet to see a man outside a theater at a Harry Potter opening wearing a shirt that says, "Ride my broom." Or maybe I've missed them. But when your teenage students telling you that they want to marry, nay, BE vampires...fanaticism has gone awry.

@bonnie: we ALL wore the off-the-shoulder ripped sweatshirts and leggins after Flashdance.
Yes, it's creepy, sad and pathetic to see anyone (kids and adults alike) trying to fill whatever empty hole is in their lives with fantasy (or sports jerseys, really). I forgive the kids, that's what they do at that age. The adults, er, yeah GET A LIFE.
Still, I won't judge the stories on the actions of the goofy fans, nor will I assume that if someone enjoyed the stories, that they must be crazy too.

I gotta read this shit now. I may have to take this all back...

I'm gonna fight for you until your heart stops beating...

...and then I'm going to mate with your corpse and feed it to the pack.

I think both, Courtney. They're badly written dreck, which is bad because it promotes the popularity of something stupid. And they are a massive success while better books and actual literature goes unnoticed. That's one of the reasons I hate this so much, but I also hate Dan Brown for the same reason. Dumbing down the population and all that.

And yes, they are terrible books for young girls, and the Twilight Moms as well. Like I said, maybe not end-of-the-world, and many young girls know better than to swallow this whole thing. But more than one will think it's actually romantic to have a guy stare at you while you sleep, or more than one will grow up thinking that being passive is the best way for a woman to get a man. Or that violent sex is alright because he REALLY loves you. And just...so many other things that are wrong with this 'romance'. There's some really creepy shit at the heart of the love story in this series. Most of it is harmless, but...some of it just isn't. Particularly to very young girls.

Not that there's anything wrong with good ol' rough sex...

Figgy, the next one is the one where she gets preggo and (Spoiler? oh like you guys care) her lovely little fetus literally rips out of her womb with its teeth. I am SO there for that, it's going to be the single best moment of cheese cinema since ever.

Are they really that badly written, or just written for teenagers? Honest question...?

Yes. Yes, they are that bad. Not just poorly written, they are that bad. Okay, well, I admit, I only made it through the first one, it was a tough slog. I kept waiting for the bit where it got better, but it didn't happen. Sort of like Dan Brown, they are books that make stupid people feel smart.

I read a lot of YA. *disclosure: I am sort of trying to write a YA book. I'm not really sure where it's going right now. Probably into the shredder* A good YA book is, or should be, a good book that happens to involve themes relevant to younger readers and probably a younger protagonist. There are a tonne of great adult writers who write or have written YA and children's lit as well. To me, the thing about the Twitlight books that makes them so disturbing (especially to a feminist reader) is that Bella is a cypher. The heroines of the great works of romantic fiction (and even a lot of the really mediocre but good fun works of romantic fiction) AND of YA/children's fiction are characters. They have personalities, and quirks, and preferences, and hobbies. Bella is almost featureless, and completely passive. I dunno, of all the 'characters' in the books, Bella was the one who creeped me the fuck out. And desperately wanted to die. (why does Edward have to keep on fucking saving her. WHY?)

I'm glad that they're getting kids to read who wouldn't read otherwise, that's awesome. I am utterly mystified as to why the twisted little blighters would pick on those ones and not a YA vampire romance series that's actually good

*"I read a lot of YA literature"

Dur.

"I'm going to fight for you...until your heart stops beating"

LOLOLOLOLOLAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

Sweet jesus, that line gets me everytime.

And THEN the baby starts killing her because she's some sort of half vampire mutant thing, and the only way for darling Bella to get out of it is for THE ALIEN BABY TO BE CHEWED OUT OF HER.

...I just explained the entire plot of Breaking Dawn to one of my coworkers. I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head. It was glorious.

And yes, the books really are that bad. Well, the first half of the first one was, anyway. I honestly couldn't talk myself into slogging through the entire thing. I've heard they get better, and I've heard they get worse. Honestly, I don't hate myself enough to find out.

Thanks for all the spoilers, JERKS!

@sad rockstar.
Horrifying. Utterly, utterly horrifying. But oh so funny.

Y'all, I just got schooled by a 14 year old.

I asked my niece about the theme of the books possibly being a tad anti-feminist. She rolled her eyes at me and said:

"Geez, let it go already! It's a freaking STORY, not a public service announcement! Dumb girls are going to have creepy boyfriends and slutty girls are going to get felt up by their boyfriends, and fat girls are going to fall in love with Robert Pattinson whether they read these books or not, and the rest of us are just bored and like to read! I never, not once, broke into someone's house and ate their porridge and slept in their bed even though mom tells me that The Three Bears was my favorite story when I was little."

I love her.

Argh, why did it end and start playing again? I'm trying to hit pause, I'M TRYING! What do you mean I have to watch this until my heart stops beating?