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"An Army of Vampires" Just Doesn't Sound as Exciting as It Once Did

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (29)

twilight-eclipse-jacob.jpg

The Plot (As Best I Can Tell): The good vampires are battling the bad vampires. The werewolves have joined forced with the good vampires.

The Pros: It looks like the budget has been doubled to $72. The effects are better. The vampires have a zombie-esque appearance. And the werewolf at the end of the trailer looks shockingly menacing. Also, the Red Rover scene looks hilarious.

The Cons: [Text Will Not Upload — File Too Large]











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Comments

Eclipse is the book I can never remember the storyline to. I think three minutes after reading it I'd completely forgotten what had happened. None of what I just saw in the trailer rings any bells either.

The bit with the jumping from tree to tree looked ridiculous.

Posted by: Carrie (aka Teabelly) at April 25, 2010 4:23 PM

Con #436: Hipster vampires.

Posted by: LB at April 25, 2010 4:25 PM

R-Pattz looks even more disgusting than normal in this trailer.
I didn't think I'd say this about Twilight ever, but I'm impressed. How'd they do that?

Posted by: A-schaef at April 25, 2010 4:34 PM

Having made Twilight look "romantic" or "thrilling" (I guess), they're now trying to make it look epic?

Further, am I the only one who saw about 20 vampires? That's an army? Those are vampires?

Posted by: coryo at April 25, 2010 5:00 PM

I talked a lot of shit about the twilight series without having read the books, so I felt douchey and read eclipse and breaking dawn. Yeah. Wow. Of course they are beyond awful in pretty much any conceivable way, but what really amazed me was that the two books total like 1300 pages or something AND NOTHING HAPPENS AT ALL in either of them. How she managed to fill so many pages with a "story" that could have been accomplished in like 10 pages, 100 if you really want to drag it out, is beyond me.

I have educated, well adjusted, adult friends who tell me about the tense torrid action packed story that is the twilight series. wtf??!!

Posted by: eden at April 25, 2010 5:11 PM

AHAHAHAAA - did you SEE the HAIR?!
Oh god, my brain has broken from so many bad bouffants.*

*alliteration unintentional, but kind of nifty.

Posted by: squeeziee at April 25, 2010 5:52 PM

Bad Bouffants is my new favorite band.

Posted by: Jerce at April 25, 2010 6:07 PM

So apparently the majority of the vampires in "the twilight saga" are A&F lookalikes, who run real fast, can jump from tree to tree and for some reason want to brawl with one another over who gets to want to commit suicide by hanging around the Black Hole of the Pacific North West (AKA Bella Swan)?

And if that was meant to feel epic...it failed. It looks like a bad remake of the Sharks vs the Jets.

Posted by: Fredo at April 25, 2010 6:43 PM

Header piture possibilities:

1. My Sex Life*
2. Fashion-conscious werewolf tries to destroy that awful hat
3. Exuberant puppy plays with baby!
4. Kristen Stewart needs help biting her lower lip; human teeth too small.
5. Paranormal Super Bowl XIV

*Substitute human for werewolf in this scenario, please. I don't swing that way.

Posted by: esme at April 25, 2010 7:57 PM

i've been stuck in the middle of eclipse for a year. then i realized that i couldn't find the book. and then i realized i didn't care. so...

that's what's up with me.

Posted by: stopthemadness at April 25, 2010 8:24 PM

Wait, I thought the whole point of the movie is that at the end they meet at the battlefield, they talk a little and then it's OVER? WITH NOTHING HAPPENING?

I love that they're trying to pretend like something happens! I LOVE IT! I love it because it's so obvious they're trying to reach beyond the tweenie sparkletard crowd by trying to fool some poor suckers who will be all WOO VAMPIRE WARS and only get WOO VAMPIRE NON-SEX FROWNY LOVE TRIANGLE. But...doesn't everyone know better?

Still man, so clever. Sneaky, sneaky fuckers.

Posted by: figgy at April 25, 2010 10:55 PM

figgy, that ending is the fourth book. The third book actually has a pretty messy, violent battle. Based SOLELY on comparing it to the previous films, this one looks like it contains less suck. Which, of course, for vampire movie, may or may not be a plus.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at April 26, 2010 12:06 AM

Dear Peter Facinelli,

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU LET THEM DO TO YOU?

Sincerely,

Someone who really liked your dramatic work as Mike Dexter in Can't Hardly Wait

Posted by: coveredinbees at April 26, 2010 12:54 AM

DRAMATIC MUSIC IS DRAMATIC.

At least this movie actually shoes the ~epic battle~ and we're not subjected to 30 minutes of Mr. Sparkles describing it to Bella from inside a tent.

*resumes drinking chianti out of the bottle*

Posted by: Dingles at April 26, 2010 1:31 AM

Nothing justifies this. Nothing here is worth arguing over. That trailer pretty much summed up the whole crux of the saga: nothing about this series is worth any emotion. It's mind-numbingly retarded.

Posted by: Jared Smith at April 26, 2010 4:08 AM

Bloody battle, eh? I hope they make it really grisly, with shredded faces and torn-off limbs, so that all those swooning fangirls are traumatized forever.

Posted by: FabMax at April 26, 2010 6:06 AM

Shredded faces and torn of limbs, eh? I can only imagine the sheer horror for those poor teenage suckers occuring in between taking a bite out of the Cinnabon your step mother bought you in the mall while you waited to get into see the movie and the eventual moment where you hurl popcorn and the entire contents of your stomach onto your Vera Bradley handbag. God I love America.

Posted by: Kamikaze Feminist at April 26, 2010 6:34 AM

LAME. Fuck them for the Apocalypse Now reference. Those movies shouldn't be allowed to reference classic films. And double fuck them for dragging Peter Murphy into this shit for a paycheck. He didn't appear in the trailer but he's in the movie all right.

Posted by: stardust at April 26, 2010 7:54 AM

Whatevs. I'm holding out for the Breaking Dawn my-vampire-cock-is-a-popsicle-feel-the-burn sex scene. DYING to know how they'll approach the post-coital bruising and general "sorry I fucked you up, my love is strong and leaves a mark" theme.
Because I'm a romantic like that.

Posted by: courtney at April 26, 2010 8:13 AM

My band, Ham Wallet, opened for Bad Bouffants at a county fair. Their lead singer took a dump on my dulcimer.
But at least I got to meet Bruce Campbell's stand-in. Best. Summer. Ever.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at April 26, 2010 8:59 AM

I wonder how they're going to handle the whole "Jacos G-rate assaults Bella" situation. Or the "Edward smashes Bella's car engine to bits because he doesn't want her to see Jacob" situation.

Posted by: Aislinn at April 26, 2010 9:08 AM

I'm interested in how their going to handle the "Cedric Diggory brute-screws Joan Jett then she gives birth to the Ally Mcbeal baby" situation

Posted by: ChristianH at April 26, 2010 12:39 PM

Also, we reviewed the new Bad Bouffants record I'll Be About An Hour Late To Work, My Hair Fell Down on AudioSuede a while ago. We gave it a 69% for, "Clever but excessive and ultimately esoteric hair references. Oh, and not enough similarity to Vampire Weekend."

Posted by: ChristianH at April 26, 2010 12:42 PM

Killings?

Is that even a word?

Posted by: grace b at April 26, 2010 12:51 PM

Incidentally, my cousin's boyfriend appears in this thing like 12 times. Can't wait to tell him what a hunk of shit his movie looks like.

Posted by: chayes at April 26, 2010 1:18 PM

Like a moth to the flame on this one. So much drama and epic-ness
and those are really big dogs. Arooo! Can't wait for June 30.
Flask in my pocket.

Posted by: Ms MoMo at April 26, 2010 1:37 PM

I too am holding out for the sex scene in the next movie. I mean honestly, that is really what we are all waiting for.

Posted by: Norwego at April 26, 2010 3:21 PM

Maybe this time, I won't be laughing so hard in the theaters... ya, wishful thinking. On other news, I heard David Slade deviated quite a bit from the book and made it more horror than Harlequin romance. If so, Hallelujah! However, According to Lainey, they're re-shooting some scenes. I'm going to assume he got pressured into making it more sparkly and less zombies.

Posted by: tallulahc at April 26, 2010 3:30 PM

Let's be honest - It's RUBBISH! All this saga was calculated on 12-15 years old teenager girls, which love to watch Crap like this. ,,OH what a Lovely screenplay, oh my god" - No, you are wrong, screenplay sucks, it's another romantic movie with special effects and billions of dollars. Like once David Duchovny said in ,,Californicatin" it's another ,,Twilight Boolsheet"! There are no Vampires, and no such awful Love stories between girl and vampire. if you want to watch movies exactly about Vampires watch ,,From Dusk Till Dawn", which is billion times better than this crap.

Acting - sucks, screenplay - sucks, story - sucks, music - sucks, effects- nice. I enjoyed only special effects in those moving pictures (somebody calls twilight movie :D ). So I must say, that if we give money which was spent to make this rubbish, to homeless people world will be good enough.

Posted by: Jenn at October 10, 2010 2:17 PM