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Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 Trailer: I'm Bored. When Do We Get To The Disemboweling?

By TK | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (46)

Breaking-Dawn-breaking-dawn-7147602-737-552.jpg

I gotta tell you, Google Image Searching for Twilight is a terrifying goddamn experience.

Overall, I have steered clear of the madness surrounding the Twilight films. I’ve never read the books. I’ve seen the movies, but viewed them mostly as insipid blather — neither a blight on humanity, nor a symbol of true love and beauty. It’s just a bunch of terribly made, poorly acted, harebrained, mythos-ignoring pablum. But despite that, I don’t hate the films. I barely remember them. In fact, if anything, their greatest crime is being simply boring as hell.

Anyway, here’s the trailer for OMGEDWARDANDBELLA the newest film, part one of Breaking Dawn, which from what I can see revolves around a bunch of people reading wedding invitations. Which sounds awesome. No, really. The idea to film a trailer that centers entirely on people reading a fucking wedding invitation? Man, I am friggin’ hooked. BUT WAIT. Apparently Edward and that kid with the overbite get into some sort of donnybrook, and Bella bites her lip some more. And then Edward fucks a bed to death. And then Michael Sheen, dressed like Hedwig after he raided Queen Victoria’s armoire, throws some chick around? And then Blade shows up and kills a bunch of vampires. And then at the end, I think a xenomorph is gonna burst out of Bella and aliens will overrun the world and destroy life as we know it.

Like I said, I haven’t read the books.









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Comments

Jesus. I need some MindBleach to recover from that poster. I hope there aren't any pregnant mothers reading this.

Posted by: StoatCat at June 5, 2011 9:06 PM

Hahaha WHAT?

Posted by: grace b at June 5, 2011 9:09 PM

This is just BEGGING for a Real Time Review. Both parts are, in fact.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at June 5, 2011 9:34 PM

You left out the best part!

That is - as Edward fucks a bed to death, he also shreds a pillow with his teeth.

That's right. The vampire Lothario is a pillow-biter. For real. I couldn't make that up if I tried.

Posted by: Inferno at June 5, 2011 10:21 PM

You know the worst part about this...(not counting the fact that I just watched this) it makes me realize how lame my younger sisters are.


[siiiiiiigh]


Not even because they love it. It's 'cause they used to love it. What's EVEN worse - they fucking deny it!

Out of all the things you take from me and vomit out, at least admit the shitty things you like.

I love my sisters, BTW. Just so ya'll know.

Posted by: Candee at June 5, 2011 11:20 PM

I have a couple of questions.

1) "Change everything"? Change what? The only consequence of this shit is that they'll just get to stare at each other for all eternity.
2) So, do her parents and friends know she's gonna become sparkly and immortal? Are they really OK with her marrying a 17 year old, barely graduation high school, not going to college, getting pregnant and not doing anything else for the rest of her life? Is she OK with it?
3) If all of this is true, it just confirms everything I already suspected about twilight: Stephanie Meyer is fucked up in the head.

Posted by: Figgy at June 6, 2011 12:45 AM

*Graduating. Jeebus.

Posted by: Figgy at June 6, 2011 12:50 AM

TK, I really do like your ideas and hope they pick up on them for part 2.

I, personally, am sick to death of Blade NOT showing up and killing sparkly vampires.

And I think your idea for the twist xenopocalypse ending is fantastic. Can we have Bill Paxton guest star as the guy who breaks up the wedding with a pulse rifle?

Posted by: Uncommoner at June 6, 2011 1:43 AM

And then Blade shows up and kills a bunch of vampires.

I would pay cash monies to see this happen. Hell, I'll settle for paying some of Wesley Snipes overdue taxes for him to do it in real life!

2) So, do her parents and friends know she's gonna become sparkly and immortal? Are they really OK with her marrying a 17 year old, barely graduation high school, not going to college, getting pregnant and not doing anything else for the rest of her life? Is she OK with it?

Figgy, that's been part of the issue with this series that many of its detractors have. She found true love in the arms of the cutest boy to ever be part of a clan of blooddrinkers. Replace "vampire" with "cannibal" and I doubt it's as attractive.

Posted by: Fredo at June 6, 2011 4:16 AM

If Blade could please do them True Blood-style, where they disintegrate into a bloody pulp that splashes all over the floor, that would be great. that would be some wedding.

Posted by: Cara at June 6, 2011 4:39 AM

wait.

do all the invitees receive laminated invitations? or just the ones predicted will throw them on the wet ground?

i haven't read the books and i NEED TO KNOW.

Posted by: gp at June 6, 2011 7:03 AM

I hate bare-pregnant-belly photos anyway and that one's a real horror show.

Posted by: snapnhiss at June 6, 2011 7:23 AM

And then at the end, I think a xenomorph is gonna burst out of Bella and aliens will overrun the world and destroy life as we know it.

We can only hope.

Posted by: The Wanderer at June 6, 2011 7:41 AM

Well, of COURSE the wedding invites are laminated. How else would you use them as placemats? Best favors ever.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at June 6, 2011 7:48 AM

How is a member of the undead able to produce sperm?

Posted by: penelope at June 6, 2011 8:38 AM

I'm just saying that if they continued the laminating tradition and laminated the wedding program, that would really work well with the blood-spattered murder of everyone sparkly (and everyone who wants to do the sparklies) at this shindig. Because then you could just wash it off and have a keepsake of your survival.

Posted by: Cara at June 6, 2011 8:41 AM

This trailer raises a lot of questions...

Jacob always takes his shirt off before he transforms, but never his pants. Are his pants part of the transformation? Are they WolfPants? Can you buy WolfPants? I would like to look into that.

I like to imagine that the thought that made Jacob flee the house and transform was "Fuck! I need to get them a gift. MAYBE A TOASTERRRRRRRR!!!!"

Looks like they decorated their ceremony space with by TP'ing a bunch of trees. Classy.

Also, you could easily replace the tense music from the trailer with "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer, and segue in the middle into Yakety Sax, and this trailer becomes 100% more awesome.

Posted by: StoatCat at June 6, 2011 8:49 AM

I'm pretty sure Chess King sold WolfPants in the 80s.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at June 6, 2011 8:55 AM

I wish to supplement Figgy's questions:

1. Does The Girl give birth to a 7 year old? The baby hands in the poster are pretty big and will be needed for rending purposes, or so I am given to understand. Larger would be more efficient.

Sub-question:

1a. If The Baby is that big, shouldn't The Girl be showing more?

2. Is it not burying the lead to have a lissome young woman jouncing down a corridor, and switch to slow motion only when following her. Would one not want the camera to precede her in slow motion?

3. The Wolf Boy runs out into the rain and removes his shirt to transform. I think this is a missed opportunity to make the Wolf Wolf less threatening. I say keep the t-shirt and add a bandana. Your thoughts?

4. More of an observation than a question really:

I note that The Wolf Boy did not remove his shorts for the transformation. Modesty is so rare a commodity these days. Bravo filmmakers. Bravo.

5. My compliments to the set decorator. The wedding looks lovely. Do you do parties?

6. Is Michael Sheen the new Michael Caine?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at June 6, 2011 9:08 AM

I read all the books because my nieces were, like, totally into them, and I was hoping to be a cool aunt. Bogus plan, my friends. All I did was piss off my nieces, because I would rant to their moms (my sisters) about the whole "marry-and-spawn-at-17" issue. THIS is considered a good thing for young women to read?

I guess I, like, so did not get it. Soo uncool, Aunt Klingonfree.

Posted by: klingonfree at June 6, 2011 9:09 AM

Remind me why the vamps are immune to sunlight? vampire lore does have its discrepancies, but anti sun does seem to be as universal as drinking blood.

I really know nothing about the books or films, but watching this trailer was hands down, the most ridic piece of crap I have seen in a long while. And I see a LOT of weird fucking stuff. Daily. As in: on the reg.

It's like a commercial for "He got it at Jared's" was hijacked by an Abercrombie ad that mated with a Lannister (i.e. it sucked. suck it Lannisters!) and went on to destroy the world with its putrid stench of crappiness. I can't even imagine who the audience for this shit is, or what they even look like b/c it blows my mind with its ass-crappery.

The end is fucking nigh.

Posted by: beet salad at June 6, 2011 9:22 AM

I spent yesterday at a party celebrating a middle-school graduation (Sidenote: Really? With the exception of special needs kids or being in a really bad family situation, do we need a party to celebrate making it through middle-school?)...Anyway, the talk was all about this trailer and how hurt Jacob looked and how they can't wait to see her dress and I honestly think most of the girls who like this have no clue about how messed up it is. Their parents seem to love it as well.
My question, however, is: she marries him, we see them in bed, we see them naked in the obligatory waterfall scene (I often wonder if I am legally married since we never did it by a waterfall) and then when she realizes she's pregnant she says "This isn't possible".
Did no-one have THE TALK with her?

Posted by: PaddyDog at June 6, 2011 9:31 AM

Now from what I understand (having never read the book), it gets super creepy in this last one. Bella needs a c-section to get the crazy baby out... and Edward gives it to her with his teeth. I've also been told that the Jacob/Bella/Edward triangle is figured out and happy when the baby comes along as Jacob decides to wait for her to grow up. Yeah... awesome series for a kid to read. Talk about your funny uncle type.

Posted by: Ziver at June 6, 2011 9:54 AM

How is a member of the undead able to produce sperm?

I believe Meyer gave a bs explanation that skirts around the issue - something like vampires still have "fluids" in their bodies that mimic the fluids in humans and function the same, so there's something similar to sperm that passes on genetic info. No one knew a male vamp could impregnate a living woman because they never tried to do anything but rip the women apart and eat them.

I'm off to punch myself in the head until I forget everything I know about Twilight. I don't want to abuse my precious brain cells like this anymore.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at June 6, 2011 10:15 AM

Remind me why the vamps are immune to sunlight? vampire lore does have its discrepancies, but anti sun does seem to be as universal as drinking blood.

Something something myth invented by vampires who wanted to mainstream something something blah blah sparkly to make them super attractive to their prey blah something blah.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at June 6, 2011 10:25 AM

Beet Salad: They're not vampires. That's honestly the only answer that makes sense in this fucked up universe. They don't need human blood, they're not hurt by silver, can walk around in the sun, and they fucking SPARKLE--WHY?! THat's my biggest annoyance with this turd. WHY DO THEY SPARKLE?!

*Ahem* So yeah, they're not real vampires.

Also: Bella is kind of a total cunt, isn't she? Sending a wedding invitation to the poor idiot she knows is madly in love with her? CUUUUNT.

Posted by: Figgy at June 6, 2011 10:34 AM

At the risk of contaminating a perfectly good show with this crap, I have to point out that in Being Human, the vampires can train themselves to be out and about in sunlight by exposing themselves to ever increasing amounts of it every day.....of course they live in Wales (and formerly Bristol) where there isn't a lot of sunshine typically so maybe it's easier for them.

Posted by: PaddyDog at June 6, 2011 10:49 AM

TK I would read/see your version of this story well before I'll ever read/see any of this crap.

Posted by: JenVegas at June 6, 2011 11:50 AM

Are we allowed to use that word figgy just used twice? I'm not wearing a strand of pearls with my ensemble today so I guess I'll just have to hold the fake diamond stud in my nose. It won't be nearly as indicative of my horror as I should like.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at June 6, 2011 11:50 AM

Why shouldn't we use "cunt"? The New York Times Sunday magazine had a piece a couple of weeks ago defending the use of the word and wondering why we are all so horrified by it. It also brought up the defense of the word that I always invoke which is that deadwood has rendered it virtually a term of endearment (or measurement). Use it with relish, I say.

Posted by: PaddyDog at June 6, 2011 11:53 AM

I find it a hard, unpleasant and demeaning word. I ain't so fond of p*ssy or douche either. I ain't so fond of any words that are used as insults that in some way diminish women or imply it is a degraded/degrading state to be female.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at June 6, 2011 12:01 PM

Why does it diminish women? It's a slang term that refers to a part of the female anatomy. Does "dick" diminish men when it's used? Does the world "boobs" diminish women? Same thing: a slang word used to refer to the female anatomy.
"Bitch" is far more demeaning than "cunt" because it reduces a woman to the status of a dog but no-one gets all offended when a woman is described as a bitch.

Posted by: PaddyDog at June 6, 2011 12:09 PM

It bugs me when a man gets called a bitch instead of a bastard.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at June 6, 2011 12:14 PM

And since I've pondered this for about 3 minutes: It bothers me when a gender-specific term is used to insult someone of the opposite gender. Often as not, it is used to imply frailty, feyness or diminished maleness (for want of a better term) in the man. That is, in itself, the insult: you are a woman. It cheeses me off. I think there have been discussions here about the non-reciprocal nature of the words, such as "look at the ovaries on her" and the implication that using a male anatomy term to describe a woman is insulting because it implies that she is better than a woman (if it is a compliment) or reduces to her most basic female quality: reproductive organs. I know I'm on a slippery slope here by requiring gender-specific name calling.

To sum up: I object to all of it and I am unashamed. Some of it I recognize as my own issues, but the word c*nt though is one of the 5 or 6 words in English that I think we can do without in virtually every circumstance. We have the largest vocabulary of any language. There are lots of options. Yes, demonizing words gives them power. It also gives conversation a little more class. Besides, there's always @sshole and sh*thead: nice multi-purpose gender neutral words that can get the jod done.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at June 6, 2011 12:32 PM

Oh, it was just the nastiest word I could think of to call one of the worst characters in human history. I don't use the word very often (I think it's the first time I've called anyone that, and she's not even REAL*), but there's nothing else that would work as well to express my hatred for Bella Swan.

*I have issues. I know.

Posted by: Figgy at June 6, 2011 1:15 PM

Dum dee dum dee dum... I'm just a baby, biding my time until I come out to see the world. My mommy doesn't talk to me much because she's too busy swooning over daddy and injuring herself...probably because it's less obvious than cutting. She also hasn't been eating very well lately either. And why does she keep biting her lip? I know this because she keeps swallowing her own blood afterward. It tastes funny. And why does daddy keep playing such crappy piano music? And why does he keep molesting mommy with a stone dildo? It's like The Naked Gun is their inspiration for sexual fantasies.

What's that? He's a vajazzled vampire?

AWWW HELL NAW!!!

Oh I am SOOOOOO outta here! I want nothing to do with this turkey outfit! Crap! I'm too small. No problem, I'll just grow ten years and just force my way out. If Mom won't open vag right now I'll just pop out and wear her like a hat. I'll head on over to some more respectable vampire movie....like Van Helsing.

Posted by: bleujayone at June 6, 2011 1:35 PM

Vampire babies grow fast.

I think the word 'Dawn' must have some ancient Algonquin indian meaning where it translates to 'Bella's Vagina.'

Posted by: PissBoy at June 6, 2011 1:39 PM

Just to close this little debate (from my side): the word "cunt" originally moved from an acceptable one to a derisive one in the 1800s precisely because parts of women's bodies that were used for sex or reproduction were supposed to be something we were ashamed of: it was considered "a nasty name for a nasty thing". So in using it, we are claiming it back because I don't know about the rest of you but there's nothing nasty about my sexy bits.

Posted by: PaddyDog at June 6, 2011 1:42 PM

You know, Figgy, I was thiiisclose to telling you how much I enjoy seeing the word "cunt" in all caps at approx 8:30 pacific time, but then I had to go into a meeting (on my one day off) that was a complete and total fucking waste of my time. In any case, I am both foul of mouth and heart, so shout outs from me comrades always warms my heart. Keep on keepin' on wit yo bad self.

Just don't use the word "dirty cooze" in front of me or I'll flip the eff out.

Posted by: beet salad at June 6, 2011 1:59 PM

Thank Jeebus they gave the Alpaca a chance to take his shirt off again. I was afraid we might go a whole movie without seeing his nipples.

And TK, I would watch that movie you described in the last paragraph over and over again until my DVD player burst into flame.

Posted by: JustBill at June 6, 2011 2:28 PM

I remember when I was in the ninth grade and there was this girl who didn't go to our school, but she was friends with one of our friends. The girl (Sophia) was really a piece of work and actually ended up being the dreaded "bad influence" on our friend Ann (in the long run). Anyway, one day, in front of everyone, one of my other friends called this girl Sophia a cunt.

It was a really big deal. Everyone still remembers it.

/the end.

Posted by: MM at June 6, 2011 2:29 PM

The best casting in this film is Billy, Jacob's father. He's the only one who actually fits with the picture in head after reading the books. *hangs head in shame* Don't judge me - a co-worker thrust them upon me, and I was on bed-rest for almost my entire pregnancy.

Bella is a martyr. The whole "OMG, it's all my fault; I'm so angsty" shit BUGS!

Posted by: bellaluna at June 6, 2011 4:36 PM

am i the only one here who loves this series?
to me this was the best book series iv'e ever read in my life short of the bible. it has the best ending ever why is it getting so much hate?

Posted by: Utah Dynamo at June 6, 2011 10:01 PM

beet salad, while the "sparkles in sunlight" thing is a crock, to be fair, Bram Stoker's Dracula hung out in the daytime too.

The sun-phobic element of vampire lore was introduced in later stories/movie adaptations.

Posted by: Saucin' at June 6, 2011 11:04 PM

So, I read the books (hanging my head in embarrsed shame). But i got them from the library - I wouldn't pay money for this crap. But the sickest thin ever happens in the final***spoiler here*** the wolf is in love with Bella's infant baby. Apparently wolves fall in love for life in an instant.

This is sick sh*t.

Posted by: jenniferk525 at June 7, 2011 1:14 PM

"Bella is a martyr. The whole "OMG, it's all my fault; I'm so angsty" shit BUGS!"

-"Shit Bugs?" You mean to tell me beetles, ants and even bees come streaming out of her asshole?

Hmmm....

Nah, it still ain't the price of admission.

Posted by: bleujayone at June 7, 2011 6:25 PM