By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (58)
Quick: Watch this trailer, and without thinking or looking at anybody else’s answers, write down the first form of self-abuse that comes to mind.
Transylmania Trailer - Watch more Movie Trailers
Go!
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Posted by: alphawhiskey at August 31, 2009 7:05 PM
My brain is crawling out of my skull as I try to type this.
Posted by: Drea at August 31, 2009 7:08 PM
Skinning myself alive and jumping into a bath of salt.
Posted by: TSF at August 31, 2009 7:10 PM
Nothing short of a nuclear bomb will suffice.
Posted by: Alli at August 31, 2009 7:12 PM
i have a sudden urge to stab myself in the throat with a spoon while gouging out my eyes!
Posted by: sammers at August 31, 2009 7:32 PM
Actually going to watch this atrocity, and, wait for it...watching the whole thing!
Posted by: ashes at August 31, 2009 7:41 PM
Alright, now I want to dive head-first into a swimming pool filled of broken glass. That's the only way I'll get rid of that cold and oily feeling I have.
Posted by: FabMax at August 31, 2009 7:42 PM
Crossbowing your leg to a chair.
Posted by: George at August 31, 2009 7:47 PM
Wait a minute, was that Kristen Bell? Around the 2:06 mark? I thought maybe my brain had been broken and I was hallucinating, so I watched it again just to double check. IMDb doesn't say anything about her being in this... thing, but it sure looks like her. Anyway, after watching that shit twice I can't be arsed to care if it's really her. I don't even like Kristen Bell anyway. I also can't focus on paltry self-torture scenarios, as I'm far too busy arranging an elaborate Mouse Trap setup in my kitchen which ends in my decapitation.
Posted by: Sarina at August 31, 2009 7:49 PM
Sarina,
That was not Kristen Bell. Trust me. I am her stalker.
Posted by: TSF at August 31, 2009 7:55 PM
Dunking my head into a bucket of bleach and swirling it around and around and around until the bad thoughts go away.
And I'm with TSF - I can see the resemblance, but I don't think that's Kristen Bell. Thank Christ...
Posted by: Shay at August 31, 2009 8:05 PM
Transylmania? The titel alone warrants suicide. Lets see how well this thing completes the shitty spoof movie checklist:
_______________________________________________________
Charisma free leading man with blonde hair, check.
Duo directors, check.
Duo directors named Wayans, Seltzer, or Friedberg, no check.
Suicide inducing tagline (Euro-trashed! Euro-smashed! Euro-slashed!), check.
Suicide inducing resume (Dorm Dase 2 was these guy's magnum opus), check.
Grating hip hop song in the trailer, check.
Title with the word "Movie" in it, no check.
Midget, check.
And, this is the most important part, sight gag so repellent, if you burned the movies filmstock, the poison gas that would seep out would make anthrax look like chocolate cake, check.
_______________________________________________________
That's almost all of them! I owe Michael Bay an apology. With a December release, this thing has already sealed its place as the worst movie of the year. I'd rather give Michael Bay a hummer that have to sit through the first 5 minutes of this atrocity.
Thanks for making New Moon the second worst vampire movie of the year, you cocks.
Posted by: George at August 31, 2009 8:05 PM
Telling my Transylvanian (no joke) boss that this movie exists. The sad thing is, he'd be really polite about it and it's insanely awful presentation of his homeland/culture.
(p.s. Romanian accents don't actually sound anything like that. I mean, leaving aside that no accents sound anything like that, those guys sound much more Russian/Ukrainian than Romanian.)
Posted by: s. pisaster at August 31, 2009 8:10 PM
Self-abuse:
Choking myself to death on Scooby-snacks. Jinkies!
Posted by: JureF at August 31, 2009 8:10 PM
Tear my face off with a cheese grater, then plunge face-first into a vat of lemon juice.
Posted by: Jeremy Feist at August 31, 2009 8:12 PM
Taking an oyster knife and thrusting its dull, rounded tip into my abdomen until it finally makes its way through my organs and opens up my descending aorta and there's sweet, blessed freedom.
Posted by: TheGreasedScotsman at August 31, 2009 8:13 PM
OH Godtopus, there's a midget, too???
Smacking myself in the forehead with the complete works of Shakespeare, then going van Gogh on my ears so I never have to listen to such crap again.
Posted by: Empress of All the Russias at August 31, 2009 8:23 PM
OK then, off to drink myself to death. For real this time, no more half-assing it. I'm switching from beer to lighter fluid, and from whiskey to brake cleaner.
Posted by: TK at August 31, 2009 8:30 PM
First is was a vague thought of stabbing my eyes out with icepicks. Then it articulated into slicing my head off with a guillotine.
Posted by: Fishboy at August 31, 2009 8:36 PM
Wimps. I'm going to kill myself by watching everything anyone in this movie has ever done-a quick list:
Dorm Daze
Dorm Daze II
The FP (Tagline: Shit's tough in The FP, bitch!)
Scary Movie II
100 Girls
Dead Above Ground
Sorority Boys
Wolf Girl
Jack Frost II-Return of the Killer Mutant Snowmen
Killer Pad
The Last Great Infomercial
Devil's Prey
Tequila Body Shots
The Dukes of Hazard Reunion
Agent One Half
Planet Raptor
Monster Night
Spynight
Mansquito
Forbidden Warrior
O Brother Where Art Thou? ( Look ,they can't all suck)
And I'll end with A Tard for All Seasons-which is either a movie or a TV show, I don't care.
So you can take your booze, your glass, your bleach and I'll sit there while the cold flickering light of the screen eats away at my brain. And I'm going to eat that Pizza Hut mostrosity with a ring of cheese. That should do it.
Posted by: Mrcreosote at August 31, 2009 8:53 PM
Watching the extended director's cut with commentary. Sober.
Posted by: BierceAmbrose at August 31, 2009 8:59 PM
defenestration
Posted by: memily at August 31, 2009 9:42 PM
Mnuh.
Bbbbuuuuuuuuhhhh...
Lawsted too mny brane sells...Ran out muh nose. Like snot.
Mnnnuuuuuhhhh.
Posted by: Jerce at August 31, 2009 9:49 PM
Going through a lengthy, expensive, painful sex-reassignment surgery so I can cut my own balls off.
Posted by: Geetch at August 31, 2009 10:10 PM
Somebody get me a napalm suppository!
Posted by: branded at August 31, 2009 10:27 PM
i'm gonna go and i'm gonna bite my pillow, that's what i'm gonna do.
then i'm going to smother myself with it until all you bastard people go away once and for all!.
Posted by: gp at August 31, 2009 10:39 PM
Looks like it'll be pretty funny.
Signed,
Gene Shallet
Posted by: Tim at August 31, 2009 11:05 PM
Masturbation. But that's kind of unfair, because when I'm not here I'm looking at porn the other 22 hours, so merely sitting at my PC has a sort of ring-the-bell Pavlov's dog effect on me. So masturbation is ALWAYS the first form of self-abuse I think of.
And now that I think of it ... I'll be in my bunk.
Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at August 31, 2009 11:23 PM
I'm going with a self performed lobotomy, using my cat.
Posted by: the bees knees at August 31, 2009 11:33 PM
Cover myself in honey and bellyflop onto a mound of fire ants.
Posted by: Shaun at August 31, 2009 11:37 PM
Wearing Dallas colors to a Cowboys/Eagles game in Philly.
Posted by: janetfaust at August 31, 2009 11:50 PM
And another conversation between me and my girlfriend:
ME: ______, I'm going to pound my head with a rock. And when I stop being able to lift my arm, you need to do it until I'm a pulpy mess.
GIRLFRIEND: Ok. Can we still have sex?
ME: Probably not with my head caved in.
GIRLFRIEND: Oh. Then, no. I like you better with a head.
Posted by: Jim Doggie at August 31, 2009 11:53 PM
(cont.)
Then, she wanted to see the trailer. After covering her head, moaning that I had exploded her brain, she said that she wanted to be choking on a live fish while cutting her own hands off with a hacksaw.
...
I think she's a keeper.
Posted by: Jim Doggie at September 1, 2009 12:05 AM
I believe I will stick three fish hooks into my adam's apple and hang by them from the ceiling.
Posted by: Trip_2600 at September 1, 2009 1:23 AM
Well, yeah. Of course. I'm glad for that.
Posted by: Brian at September 1, 2009 1:30 AM
*watches Bloodrayne*
*head explodes*
Posted by: Mark at September 1, 2009 1:47 AM
Watching this shit.
Posted by: Alucard at September 1, 2009 2:37 AM
chugging gallons of orange juice/milk to induce liquidy painful diarrhea/vomiting
Posted by: A. Biro at September 1, 2009 2:45 AM
cutting myself while watching a Saturday the 14th/Transylvania 6-5000 double feature
Posted by: lwoodpdowd at September 1, 2009 3:36 AM
Spit my innards and then choke on them when I'm done spiting...
God almighty, this was horrible!
Posted by: Zeebedida at September 1, 2009 8:53 AM
I couldn't get the trailer to play. I guess I win.
Posted by: BWeaves at September 1, 2009 8:59 AM
Driving your car over your own head.
Posted by: JQ at September 1, 2009 9:23 AM
I'd rather set myself on fire and put out the flames with an axe.
Posted by: Mr Belvedere at September 1, 2009 10:26 AM
Beating myself in the head with the sharp end of a brick until the blood flows and my brains can see the light of day.
Posted by: Harry at September 1, 2009 10:27 AM
Hey, I'm pleased as punch that such a film exists. Now all the Sparkletards can have their parades shit on like the rest of us normal moviegoers, thanks to a subpar parody of a subpar product. Seriously folks, nothing can hurt me...I survived Free Willy, Zeus and Roxanne, and all three atrocious Mighty Ducks movies as a kid. Do your frakking worst.
Posted by: Doctor Controversy at September 1, 2009 10:30 AM
Wow. Wooooow. Wowee wow wow. Wow.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 1, 2009 10:31 AM
awww, come on... some of that was kind of funny. 150 secs is all you need, you've seen the whole thing, now move on. Trailers provide a service, use it as such.
Posted by: Todd at September 1, 2009 10:45 AM
(after seeing the trailer, and remembering the funniest scenes list)
Fuck those clowns...they're ripping off the Marx Brothers. Murdertank AWAY!
Posted by: Doctor Controversy at September 1, 2009 10:46 AM
Eating a bag of broken glass whilst rolling around in a kiddie pool full of razorblades and lemon juice.
Posted by: MyJetSki at September 1, 2009 10:49 AM
Invite my mother to come live with me.
Posted by: dawn at September 1, 2009 11:18 AM
Blowing Conrad at gunpoint on national television.
Posted by: Skitz at September 1, 2009 11:58 AM
Use a power drill to insert in my ear while listnening to Soulja Boy and watching Transformers:2
Posted by: Corey W. at September 1, 2009 12:47 PM
Eating scraps of metal until my stomach explodes.
Also, death.
Posted by: commanderfunky at September 1, 2009 2:15 PM
Self-torture, eh? I could always read Twilight (again?).
Posted by: coryo at September 1, 2009 2:26 PM
What the fuck is the name of the airstyle the aisian dude has? Besides "Dude, you look like a fuckin' tool, strike that, you look like a failed hipster shitguzzler queer tool."
It has an official name or style, right? Please, please, please enlighten me. It kinda looks like a military High and tight, but dude's got way too much on top for one of those, right?
Posted by: Fappy McFapper at September 1, 2009 3:24 PM
Havin extensive plastic surgery performed on me by the same guy who did Jocelyn Wildenstein's face, before being bound to a chair made of PMS-suffering Japenese Giant Hornets and barbed wire while watching Glitter over and over again, as Clint Howard whispers X-rated things to me and tries to drop the hand.
Or something similar.
Posted by: oneiwng at September 1, 2009 6:37 PM
Apparently someone called "oneiwng" had the EXACT same idea as me! Spooky...
Whoops.
Posted by: onewing at September 1, 2009 6:39 PM
This calls for seriously perverted bludgeoning MF'ers.
After crying uncontrollably for about half an hour, I'm going to reach down my own throat to unclog the chunks. Then I'm going to throw them at the studio head who okayed this fucking abomination. This is a goddamn travesty. I don't even want to be alive anymore. I have no desire to share any kind of evolutionary connection with the kind of cretins that would a) think this is a good idea or worse b) then fucking foist on the rest of us with no sense of shame or remorse. Peace out, universe. It's been real. You shoved me in here with some real fuckers, and I just don't have it in me to go up against their deluge of oozing arse gravy anymore.
Posted by: Laurie at September 2, 2009 6:19 AM
Drinking myself to death, Leaving Las Vegas style.