web counter
 

Adventures in the Awesomely Awful, Starring Kevin Sorbo... And Boobs

By TK | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (25)

TAE_Maurette__Delgado_Pic_-1-1024x502.jpg

You guys.

YOU GUYS.

Are you ready to see some shit? I mean some really, really bad movie shit? You know you want to. I know how much you guys appreciate a trailer for a crappy movie — it’s the main reason I don’t hate you all. OK, that’s not true. I do hate you all. But that’s not the point. SHUT UP AND STOP INTERRUPTING.

Here’s the trailer for Tales of an Ancient Empire. It’s one of the weirder trailers I’ve seen. It’s got nudity (NSFW!). And vampires! And… Medieval weaponry? And lots of really shitty CGI. And an absolute murderer’s row of terrible actors, including Kevin Sorbo (Hercules!), Oliver Gruner (holy shit! He lives! The star of Nemesis is still alive and getting work!), Christopher Lambert and His Amazing Impenetrable Accent, and Melissa Ordway, who was in… um… you know… did I mention Kevin Sorbo?!

It’s directed by Albert Pyun, who has a resume that’s absolutely littered with deliciously crappy movies. The man’s like Uwe Boll’s underfunded, less asshole-ish little brother. He directed the classic 1989 Van Damme vehicle Cyborg, two of the Kickboxer movies and ALL FOUR Nemesis films. I’m just saying — I kind of want to hang with Albert.

Fuck it, just watch the trailer, after which I will really give you some mind grapes to chew on:

OK, are you ready for the best/worst part?

According to IMDB, Val fucking Kilmer is in this.

No, seriously.

There’s no way that’s true, right? Right? Because if it is, that has to be some sort of record for worst fall from grace… ever.

Oh, you bet your ass I’ll review it.

(Source: Phillip Stephens)









Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance

← 2010 Upfronts - ABC's 2010-2011 Schedule | 2010 Upfronts - ABC's 2010-2011 Schedule →









Comments

I am sharpening my 'point and laugh' finger as we speak. Delectabad!

Posted by: Pants at May 18, 2010 12:11 PM

wow that was some bad acting. but on the plus side, BOOBIES!!!

And did anyone else think Kevin Sorbo was channeling Nathan Fillion when he did the 'opportunities" thing?

Posted by: EricD at May 18, 2010 12:17 PM

I couldn't make it all the way through the trailer; it just seemed to drag on for YEARS! I can only imagine how painful the movie will be.

Posted by: peachfish at May 18, 2010 12:20 PM

That was straight-up porn-quality prodution. And I should know. I've seen porn before.

Posted by: Kballs at May 18, 2010 12:28 PM

I have sat through some trash in my time just for a shot of some boobage, but I am not going to suffer a stroke just for some boobage, well maybe, they were perty.

Posted by: peanut at May 18, 2010 12:30 PM

And let the joking commence with: "A tale of two girls..."

Posted by: Sean at May 18, 2010 12:46 PM

There was a trailer...

Posted by: Todd at May 18, 2010 12:50 PM

And it looked pretty terrible...

Posted by: Todd at May 18, 2010 12:51 PM

But it had some nice boobs in it...

Posted by: Todd at May 18, 2010 12:51 PM

I’d love to mock it, but somehow the trailer is just so infinitely dreadful that I honestly can’t. Need some inspiration... oh, I know, Albert Pyun’s blog: http://www.albertpyunmovies.com

“Having done a number of sequels for a variety of reasons, I knew that Tales had the potential to be an ongoing saga that could cover a very dense and expansive story.”

*SB holds face in hands* *SB crosses legs so as not to piss herself*
Care to elaborate on the reasons, Albert?

“So I developed the Tales story as the first chapter of a longform Tale that follows a set of characters from different walks of life and even those not human over a 60 year period.”

Huh? Sixty? How many sequels in the saga then?

“The saga focuses on Kara [...], bastard child of a vampire sorceress and a human warrior hero [...] and Tanis [...], bastard of a Queen and the same warrior hero.”

No, this is officially unmockable, it's just too sad. Sweet mother of Gabriel. Well, good luck with that one, TK.

Posted by: SB at May 18, 2010 1:04 PM

I've actually been following this, great to see it on Pajiba! It's the spiritual successor to "The Sword and the Sorcerer":

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sword_and_the_Sorcerer

Keep in mind that film was made in 1982. What is entirely awesome about that is it means Albert Pyun has been turning out crap for almost 30 years! He hasn't gotten ANY better! I admire the sheer determination of somebody who doesn't do something well, is told so repeatedly, and yet somehow still makes it work decades later and gets paid.

This movie is going to be stupendously bad, and I'll love it for it.

-Frob

Posted by: frobme at May 18, 2010 1:07 PM

The best part about this is from the trailer it looks like it starts out as a really generic quest-ey formula but then this meeting happened:
-Drunken film guy: "Hey, you guys know what's popular right now? VAMPIRES"
-Coked out film guy: "Hells yeah! Vampire that shit UP!"
-Plebe in the corner: "But, um, the movie is already finished. See? I brought you the trailer..."
-Coked out film guy: "So? just get those naked chicks back in here, we'll give'em some teeth and have them flail around a bit. Here make a note, just paste that on the end of your shitty little vampire-less trailer"
-drunken film guy: "MORE naked?!?! AWWWW YEAH!" *high fives*

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what's happening here.

Posted by: kbaz at May 18, 2010 1:53 PM

Hey, no one disrespects The Sword and the Sorcerer. That movie was FANTASTIC when I was 12, and I'm sure it's held up. I'm sure I tell you! It had, if I remember correctly, boobs, a sword with THREE blades that you could SHOOT making it offically the second coolest movie weapon ever (First is of course the chain gun in Predator.) Evil sorcerers, boobs, and a LOT of head cleaving. I still think it was robbed at the Oscars. You can't ask for a better Conan knock off. Well you could, but you're not gonna get it.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at May 18, 2010 2:50 PM

Is your sword for hire?
I hope so.

I will not have the dissing on The Sword and the Sorcerer. This movie enabled every - er - sword and sorcery flick that came after from Krull(er), to Dungeons and Dragons. Once you know how bad-awesome a film can get, you don't have to be afraid any more.

Bring on the cheesy Sorbo-ness & boobies, I say! I'm in. We've got kingdoms to save and women to love!

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at May 18, 2010 3:19 PM

i made it a minute and half before extreme boredom demanded the trailer be stopped. it wasn't even worth laughing at

Posted by: idleprimate at May 18, 2010 3:59 PM

Hot damn do I love awesome bad stuff!

What is entirely awesome about that is it means Albert Pyun has been turning out crap for almost 30 years!

There really is something fascinating and poignant in that...

Posted by: MM at May 18, 2010 4:17 PM

That was so bad I was mesmerized into watching the entire thing. I certainly do not need to see the movie after that. I've seen all the "good" parts. Sweet mother of godtopus, that was a craptacular couple of minutes.

Posted by: Reba at May 18, 2010 4:23 PM

Does it make me a nerd because the most distracting part of this trailer for me was the inconsistent capitalization?

Posted by: mc at May 18, 2010 4:32 PM

OHMYGOD. That was AMAZEBALLS.

Posted by: Anna von Beaversmack at May 18, 2010 6:34 PM

You had me at Kevin Sorbo

Posted by: MrPink at May 18, 2010 7:43 PM

Wow, that was terrible, but it may be terrible awesome. Like a movie I'd watch at 3 am after a few puffs.

Posted by: Nessie at May 18, 2010 8:35 PM

Does it make me a nerd because the most distracting part of this trailer for me was the inconsistent capitalization?

Oh THANK YOU I was afraid I was the only one. That, and the shitty generic font in that horrible shade.

Posted by: Gabs at May 18, 2010 10:34 PM

*speechless*

Posted by: , at May 18, 2010 11:08 PM

That looks to be a legitimate successor to all that was wonderful about The Sword and the Sorcerer.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at May 19, 2010 2:42 AM

So, um, not like a lot of boobies, then?

I feel cheated.

Anyway, clearly they blew their budget on the second-rate CGI and had to hire the music director off of the street.

Posted by: Neodiogenes at May 20, 2010 12:13 PM