web counter
 

You'll Beg for the Centipede After This

By TK | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (33)

step-up-3d-0.jpg

It’s the rare film that manages to tackle so sensitive a subject. I’m a little unsure about Step Up 3-D, for fear that it seems a bit exploitative. But the concept is so original, it’s hard not to find it a little intriguing.

From what I can tell, Step Up 3-D tells the story of a diverse, eclectic group of teens, afflicted with an unknown neurological disorder that affects their intelligence and makes them prone to violent seizures, trying to make it through day-to-day life in their grim urban environment. Tragically, they are unable to function on even the most basic level — they are unable to properly dress themselves, can barely speak coherently, and any bright light seems to trigger their unfortunate fits. It’s bold subject matter, and taking their apoplectic bouts and mixing…

Wait, what? It’s not about epilepsy? It’s another fucking dancing movie?

Oh, fuck me. Motherfucking shitasshellcrapdamnfuck. That’s just stupid.

Goddamnit. Do we really need another of these movies? Is there some fascinating aspect of it that wasn’t covered in either of the first two, or in any of the other incredibly derivative entries? At least this one doesn’t have Charming Potato in it. Oh, what’s that? It’s in 3-D? Listen, asshole. Unless there are bullets or swords or severed heads flying at me, I’m not fucking interested, OK? I don’t want to see some putty-headed, marble-mouthed human bendy straw contort themselves and stick their ass in my face in 3-D. I just don’t give a crap.

And that soundtrack. Christ, it reads like the soundtrack to your torture chamber in hell. When I die, a lifetime of sins will be punished by locking me in a coffin that just blares this soundtrack over and over, as the coffin spins in slowly accelerating circles, forcing me to smother myself in my own vomit while I listen to fucking Flo Rida and Sean Paul on an endless, hellish loop.

Goddamn it.

Here’s the fucking trailer. Now die. Everyone.









Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance

← Harold and Kumar Team to Direct "American Pie 4" | Exclusive: David Wain Circling "Too Cool to Be Forgotten" →









Comments

No, I saw the trailer for human centipede this weekend, and that movie is just wrong. Wrong, wrong wrong. If human centipede is in 3D, I'm going to cry.

Posted by: mrcreosote at April 5, 2010 10:43 AM

But TK, one move CAN set a whole generation free!

Posted by: chayes at April 5, 2010 10:47 AM

And I promised myself I wouldn't drink 'til sundown.

Posted by: TSF at April 5, 2010 10:47 AM

Hmmm...I know a couple of friends who are going to be very excited about this. I may un-friend them.
I don't mind dance movies, even the bad ones sometimes, b/c I think the dancing is cool. What irritates me the most about this is the 3D. So sick of 3D.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at April 5, 2010 10:49 AM

My friend is an extra in this...so eventually I will have to fast-forward through it someday. Hopefully I won't fast-forward through the dance move that can "free a generation". Cause that would be awful.

Posted by: Littlejon2001 at April 5, 2010 10:52 AM

I mean if I'm going to watch a shitty movie, it better be one with dancing like that, because what the fuck ever that is really fucking cool.

But really? 3D? Hollywood needs to calm its shit down.

Posted by: buttercup at April 5, 2010 10:56 AM

But...it opens up the possibilities of what else can free a generation. Just think of it, people!!!!

- The cup of coffee that can free a generation

- The bank statement reconciliation that can free a generation

- The cell phone provider that can free a generation

- The paper cut that can free a generation

- The mouth-to-anus human abomination that can free a generation

See? It's like a whole new world!

Posted by: Wednesday at April 5, 2010 10:59 AM

A few thoughts:

Why do they have 845 old stereos stacked up in a dance studio? What if some bumbling fool falls into them? Are they too cool to pump the music in from another room? And how do they sync up 845 old cassettes or CDs. Are they all hooked up to a single Ipod, and if so, why go to all that trouble? This is going to bother me all day.

There are worse things in life than watching smoking hot chicks bounce around and get covered in sweat. Like rom-coms. Or all-star ensemble rom-coms. Or Celebrity Apprentice.

I saw Twitch in there, and I'm all for anything that keeps the SYTYCD alumni above water (except Legacy, that guy's a douchey bitch). Joshua even popped up on Celebrity Fit Club. (Yeah, yeah, take your hate somewhere else ya jerks. I'm enjoying myself.)

Is Sean Paul still alive? Wow. That's really inter---zzzzzzzzz.

Posted by: Kballs at April 5, 2010 10:59 AM

Long have I yearned for the loving embrace of another human... has my time come?

Posted by: Human Centipede - Segment Two at April 5, 2010 11:00 AM

*sigh* no more Easter fun...


Another one for your Supercollider of Crap, Mrcreosote.

Posted by: Ducky at April 5, 2010 11:03 AM

You want to see apoplectic dancing in 3D? Go to a rave. At least it wouldnt be boring...

I won't lie, I enjoy dance movies. But 3D? "I feel like I've been shot at and missed, shit at and hit."

Posted by: Patty O'Green at April 5, 2010 11:03 AM

Any generation that can be saved by one dance move is a generation that deserves to be lost.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at April 5, 2010 11:05 AM

First off, why is this featuring dance sequences from Tron? Or am I the only one who saw all those lasers and those glowing outfits and thought of that? Hm...

Also, why doesn't this trailer end???? Every time I went to move away from it, it kept going. It's just a ceaseless, long, vile...oh God, now I'm thinking of the stupid Centipede. GODDAMN YOU TK!

Posted by: KatSings at April 5, 2010 11:10 AM

"It's the African Anteater ritual!"

Posted by: lubeg at April 5, 2010 11:12 AM

I don't, I mean I can't . . .

I like dance movies, in general. But I don't need to see them in 3D. Ever.

Also, and this is may be a weird gripe, why are dance movies always about white people learning to get in touch with their inner funk?** Can't some of those background extras or side characters (I'm looking at you, Twitch) be the protagonist?

Want to see a good dance movie/documentary? Watch Planet B-Boy. International breakdancing competition. The teams (especially France, Japan, and Korea) do some shit that will make your jaw drop.


**spoken as a white girl whose dance experience was limited to ballet

Posted by: MyySharona at April 5, 2010 11:20 AM

I think I love lubeg now. A lot.

Posted by: MyySharona at April 5, 2010 11:21 AM

Dude: Dancers live together, work together and dance together!

Chick: Wow!

Dude: They also shower together, brush their teeth together and piss together. The guys call it "sword-fighting."

Chick: Oh, um...wow?

Dude: They also communally eat together, as man has done for several millions of years, since our immediate evolutionary predecessor, homo-erectus, began living in caves in South-East Africa.

Chick: I think I get it.

Dude: We all have sex together. In 3D. We charge $15 for people to watch. It's mostly guys that show up on those days. Regrettably.

Chick: ...wow...

Posted by: superasente at April 5, 2010 11:32 AM

Oh, what the hell. C'mere, Segment Two.
*hugglez*

Posted by: Jim Doggie at April 5, 2010 11:48 AM

Now I know that dancing ain't fucking, but can we please just break the semi-nude 3D barrier? Unless it's been done, and I'm not aware.

Even some Sipowicz ass would do at this point. Dennis Franz has gotta be available to work.

Posted by: branded at April 5, 2010 11:50 AM

Yes, but can it do a split across the WHOLE FLOOR?

Also, I don't understand what Frodo is doing in this movie. Hobbits are generally known more for their rustic witticisms and fine weed than their dancing skills.

Posted by: AM at April 5, 2010 11:54 AM

Fuck the Centipede TK. Just shove my head into a concrete cinder block that's been set on fire while playing the greatest hits of ABBA.

That would be a far more pleasant experience than sitting through that trailer one more gods-damn time.

Posted by: bignick at April 5, 2010 11:55 AM

Dude: They also shower together, brush their teeth together and piss together. The guys call it "sword-fighting." [...] We all have sex together. In 3D. We charge $15 for people to watch. It's mostly guys that show up on those days.

Now THAT movie I'd watch in 3d.

This one? I'll totally watch, but not unless it's also available in 2d. Probably with my sisters, who also have a geektastic love of dance and/or cheerleading movies.

Posted by: Anna von MEGA-SHARKTOPUS at April 5, 2010 12:01 PM

Then Anna, you need to drown your sisters immediately because they're not going to amount to anything of significance and they're just taking up oxygen the rest of us could be using.

Posted by: bignick at April 5, 2010 12:13 PM

So if you have oral sex with the front segment of the human centipede and they swallow...does that mean you technically just had oral sex with three people at once?

...sweet.

I also don't completely hate these dance movies. Shocking huh? Mainly because I love...love...to see women shake their ass in unique ways. You can ask Trouble, I'm afraid of black women who can dance, they intimidate the shit out of me. However, it is always nice to see the white girl who can do it.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at April 5, 2010 12:26 PM

While Segment 1 is a fame whore, and Segment 2 obviously just needs attention, I for one am tired of being the obvious punch line to jokes. Leave me out of this. That is all.

Posted by: Human Centipede Segment #3 at April 5, 2010 12:28 PM

While Segment 1 is a fame whore, and Segment 2 obviously just needs attention, I for one am tired of being the obvious punch line to jokes. Leave me out of this. That is all.
Posted by: Human Centipede Segment #3 at April 5, 2010 12:28 PM

Yeah, Segment3, you sure have a shitty life. My sympathies for always being the butt of the jokes.

Posted by: esme at April 5, 2010 1:45 PM

esme, I totally love you now.

Posted by: MM at April 5, 2010 2:18 PM

3-D's not so bad. Remember "Dr Tongue's 3-D House of Stewardesses"?
Aside: I'm so old I remember when stewardesses were pretty.

Posted by: Pat C at April 5, 2010 2:44 PM

Pat C, apparently you're so old, you remember when they were called stewardesses.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at April 5, 2010 2:47 PM

I just have to geek out SYTYCD-style for a minute:

Twitch! Happy to see him getting to dance on the big screen. He's a really talented dancer.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at April 5, 2010 7:04 PM

Um...is our generation being held back by something?
And if it is, are a bunch of formally trained white kids tryna be ghetto really the ones to lead us forwards to freedom?

If some youth Revolt is building, I dont know that I want my new world leaders spinning on their heads in the houses of government...I dont care how smooth those marble floors may be.


I'll tell you what pisses me THE FUCK off about these dance movies...not the dancing, because that shit is fly and I cant even pretend I can move as well as they can. I can just about get through a day without some minor injury so yeah, let them do what they will.

What pisses me off is this...insistence in these films that every professional dance school is wrong and that EVERYONE who attends them would be happier if they start dancing street.
The principals at these schools are always borderline racists who ban Street Dancing at their schools for some inane reason, as if any dance school teacher with a modicum of sense wouldn't invite any and all new forms of dance to their studios, especially one as wide spread as Street, given that it is the focus of every music based movie, music video and talent competition the WORLD has to offer. Street Dancers are winning every talent competition there is, Diversity beat out SuBo for petes sake!!
So to continually portray the dance schools as stuffy old institutions of dust and more dust where the students are all in desperate need of some funky fresh rhymes, is so mind numbingly out of touch that I wonder how old the makers of these youth oriented films are!!!

Also, and this is just me, but seriously, get the fuck over dance schools. Since professional dance schools have been producing world class dancers for, oh, hundreds of years? I'm inclined to believe the students who go there are just fine as they are and not all of them need to be distracted by breakdance competitions when they are fucking ballerinas.

I just...I don't get why all of these films take all of the worst Dance School stereotypes; the flamboyant male ballet dancers, the russian teacher with a bum knee, the repressed, uptight, in need of a good dicking soon-to-be-Prima Ballerina and decide their lives can only be made better with overproduced same sounding music. Plus they always portray these dancer kids has having loads of trouble adjusting to the new style of dance and taking days to get it.
Professional Dancers can sometimes be expected to learn the majority of a routine in a day, let alone the first three steps over several weeks.

Frankly, for all the 'Messiah Of Dancing' bullshit these films try to feed us about their stars, they wouldn't cut it in the real world.

Fuck it, these films basically all fucking suck.

I'm gonna go watch the Drum Off in Drum Line. THAT is entertainment.

Posted by: Nadine at April 5, 2010 7:47 PM

Segment 3, you're my favorite. Especially when you're actually D-Day. Especially when he's playing RD-DayJ.

Now, about this film: I will watch any dance flick. I loved Step Up 2: The Streets. The dancing was absolutely amazing in that. And so I will be there, watching Step Up: 3-D, grinning my fool face off.

Just as long as it doesn't turn out to be another Step Up, which had way too little dancing. Not even Charming Potato's hottness was enough to salvage that film for me. Give me Stomp the Yard and all the perfectly sculpted abs contained therein anyday.

Posted by: Jelinas at April 5, 2010 8:06 PM

Oh god, Oh god...
I knew it...
The female epileptic is from an Australian T.V series, the same t.v series that bought you the Hemsworth brothers and Dannii Minogue.
From everyone in Australia, im sorry, seriously I am, and I will rectify the situation post haste. It looks like back to jail for me.

Posted by: caity at April 6, 2010 12:44 AM