Just a Feast of Gore and Blood, We Bite
Oh, SyFy. I love you so. I love when you’re good and when you’re bad. When you’re good (“Battlestar Galactica”), you’re amazing. When you’re bad (everything else fucking ever), you’re in many ways even better.
The SyFy network, formerly known as The Sci-Fi Channel until they decided that that moniker was entirely too normal and not clunky or retarded enough, has a list of shitty sci-fi films longer than a Mega Snake. It’s like they’re collaborating with Asylum Films in an ongoing effort to out-shit each successive film. They release a new original picture every month, and I’m delightedly unashamed to admit that I’ve seen almost all of them. In fact, beginning next month, we’ll be running a new series where I review each and every deliciously terrible one of them. It won’t be the first time. You’re fucking welcome.
Anyway, they follow a simple formula: A has-been star, a series of never-were and never-will-be stars, some sort of scientific experiment gone wrong, horrendous CGI, a plot slapped together by a drunken four-year old. Put a cap on it, shake vigorously, and boom! Instant crapulent science fiction movie. They look like they cost about a buck and a quarter, although that estimate might be a buck too high.
Anyway, here’s the trailer for the newest slice of awful, Mega Piranha (oh, right. They all have hyperbolic titles that use Mega- or Giant- or Super-something). It stars Tiffany Darwish (yes, that Tiffany), Barry Williams (aka Greg Fucking Brady), Paul Logan, and… oh, who gives a fuck who else is in it. It’s Tiffany and Greg Brady and giant goddamn piranha. And it looks awful. No, seriously. Watch this clip:
I mean, damn. The death is stolen unashamedly and directly directly from Deep Blue Sea, except that it’s telegraphed completely because of the fucktarded effects. And that kicking bit? I was almost in tears. I am literally giddy.
Yeah, I said giddy, motherfuckers.
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