Pajiba

Cause Debbie Gibson starred in the shark thing.

HOLY SHIT!!!! I've got to DVR this bitch.

Where did that guy that the Piranha ate come from? No seriously, he just appeared as fish bait.

How do you train for Piranha kicking? Is there a secret dojo that I'm not aware of.

Incidentally, I wouldn't mind seeing Debbie Gibson topping Tiffany. It's actually been a bit of a fantasy of mine since I was about eight-years-old.

beginning next month, we’ll be running a new series where I review each and every deliciously terrible one of them.

I just got so, so happy. In my pants.

*Fingers crossed for Beavershark Month!*

Didn't Sawyer from Lost star in one of these about a sabertooth cat?
As I recall he looked great (what with being him and all) and his acting
was beyond atrocious.

That dude fighting off flying piranhas with a bevy of bicycle kicks is easily the most ridiculous thing I'll see all week. And he took time to angle one 90 degrees toward the camera. In life or death situations, that guy keeps it fucking casual, bro.

Also, someone needs to tell Tiffany to lay off the pain pills and fresh bread loaves. She looks oddly bloated.

And I don't know why I'm asking this question, but how did the piranha leap around 6 feet out of the water at, let's say, a 45 degree angle, grab the fat man, and immediately reverse its momentum backwards into the water tail-first at the same angle at which it emerged? Did another piranha yank it back into the water at just the right time? I believe the network's name implies some sort of science should be involved here and that defies the laws of physics and generally accepted theories of marine biology! Hello!?!?

In fact, beginning next month, we’ll be running a new series where I review each and every deliciously terrible one of them,

YES!!!

[jumps up and down while clapping hands]

You know you have to watch these films in their entirety, right? You can't just get ten minutes in and lob brick at your TV or douse your laptop in kerosene, set it ablaze, and throw it into a crowd of toddlers. At least not without filming it for us.

Did another piranha yank it back into the water at just the right time? I believe the network's name implies some sort of science should be involved here and that defies the laws of physics and generally accepted theories of marine biology! Hello!?!?

Shhhhhhhhhhh, KBalls. Just let it happen... just let it happen.

The Debbie Gibson/Tiffany rivalry is BACK ON, BITCHES!

(Who had 2010 in the betting pool?)

I second the comment about the chubby dude!
You were right TK, you saw that death coming a mile away...as soon as he turned his back to the water.
Every 5 year old knows that you NEVER turn your back to large bodies of water. Never.
SyFy played that one good.

However, I want the OLD Sci Fi spelling back. With the funky ads! Remember the one with the hooded guy walking at night near puddles of water while some serpentine creature followed him. THROUGH the puddles of water!

I loved that!

I didn't fucking see no Greg Brady. i want my money back!

Best one still that I've seen was Supergator. Kelly McGillis gets SWALLOWED WHOLE. And there were two scantily clad ladies that my roommate and I dubbed Asscheeks and Too Old For Pigtails. I have never laughed so hard in my life.

I feel for you, buddy. That's a pretty horrible assignment.

Oh, yeah, it sounds fun, but the problem is that you have to sit through 85 minutes of sheer boredom to enjoy the five minutes of cheesy goodness. Meanwhile, IQ points are dribbling out your ears and you're starting to anticipate the blissful relief you'll feel at the commercial breaks.

It just ain't worth it. At some point stupidity overload stops being giddy and starts making you angry that someone collected a paycheck for that shit.

Will you be reviewing the one about the Nazi aliens? Best. Movie. Ever.

I am compelled to watch every time it's on.

Wow.

I watched it without sound, so maybe I'm missing something, but why are they skulking about by the water? If it's a piranha (granted one that seems to be able to fly vast distances but is not immune to a kick) why not just stay away from the water? Also it jumps at that dude, pulls him into the water and eats him and they all sit there. Again, MOVE AWAY FROM THE WATER! You have just seen first hand what happens to dozy people out for a stroll along the waters edge.

Actually, I can kind of sympathize with the chubby dude. I'd probably commit suicide by flying large piranha if I were in that movie too. And was that last fish waaaaay bigger than the ones that just got krav maga'ed by the dude with the weird face? I mean, yes, they absorb nutrients through their skin and just grow and grow and grow, but come on people. That's not Sci. That's not even Sy.

Yes I did just repeat a bunch of stuff already said. I was too excited to read the comments!

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus
Sharks in Venice
Dinoshark

Does SyFy have some sort of weird obsession with sharks?

I'm still pissed that I have never been able to catch Sharks in Venice or Aztec Rex

Oh Julie, I'm sure those are worth it for the accents alone! I bet all the fake Italians speaka lika theece.

OH. MY. GODTOPUS. That was AMAZING!!! The kicking scene, oh, the kicking scene was priceless! And I just knew that that guy who was foolishly standing with his back to the water was going to bite it. If only I was a has-been star, I could have a role in one of these completely awesome movies! Alas and alack, I am not. Now, I'll just have to live vicariously through TK, since I always, ALWAYS miss these when they are on the teevee.

Thank you, TK for sharing this bit of amazingness with us. It really is the best thing I will see all day.

For example, the upcoming Sharktopus. I'm not even fucking joking.

In that case I am looking forward to future productions when they run out of fearsome animals to splice together with a shark. Shombat! That'd be shark and wombat. Sharrabbit! Speaks for itself...

Does SyFy have some sort of weird obsession with sharks?

Yes they doodley-do! Hence my hope for Beavershark: The Uprising.

Steph - Pure evilness.

The original Piranha film from the early 80's (late 70's maybe?) was fairly awesome, mainly because of the noise the fish made when they attacked people. I'm no marine biologist, but I'm fairly sure fish are for the most part silent creatures.

When I saw the Tiffany in the review I hoped it would be Tiffany Amber Thiessen from Saved by the Bell. She's got to be holding up better than this Tiffany, who looks like she'd be better cast in Moby Dick. As the lead.

Sharks in Venice? AHAHAHAHA!!!!! I have got to find that.

Is this where we shout requests for TK to review? If so-
MANSQUITO!
Half man, half 'Squito. 'Nuff Said.

This is now the best day ever. EVER.

Does anyone remember a SciFi movie in the Louisiana swamps, and there was a cop, and a bunch of people on houseboats, and some crazy fish thing, or maybe it was half gator half fish . . . it was funny as hell.

Frankenfish? Could that even be right?

MyySharona, Frankenfish is correct. Unless you're thinking of Snakehead Terror. They're very similar.

TK you've never been so right about something before. This is, indeed, the greatest thing I have or will see all day.

Thank you.
And thank Tiffany.

I AM CACKLING WITH GLEE.

Oh man I cannot wait. CANNOT WAIT. You know what my two favorite things about these movies are?

1) the "science". Just have them say "zygote" and "DNA" a lot in between some other words and you have a perfect explanation for the phenomenon!
2) how easily the protagonists get over the deaths of expendables. "Oh, he died. OK, then." No one cares, and it's so damn hilarious.

eeeeee!

I saw a movie the other day called Sabretooth . The whole time I was watching it I kept going...I recognize that guy. Turns out it was Josh Holloway. So...ladies...there ya go, don't say I never gave you nothing.

A SyFy channel movie...with the hot guy from LOST.

Sadly, Deist, I've found that hotness doesn't make up for lameness. I sat through a SciFi original movie about killer moths from outer space (really) because of the hotness of the lead actor (he was Krycek on the X-Files), but by the end I had lost all respect for him and for myself. Don't do it, ladies--you'll never look at Sawyer the same way again.

Jeni, if you remember in GiantMegaSharkapus the guns on the ship weren't facing the shark either. But they were a'shootin'. :)

This is what 3D was made for. Why aren't shitty movies like this in 3D? Why?

HuffPost is obviously reading this site: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/30/mega-piranha-syfys-most-i_n_518696.html

I just want you to know I have come home from work and watched it again but with sound and it is even more awesome. What is with the sound effects? It's constant. What are the damn piranha's doing off screen exactly?

And they can't live in salt water? Pour salt in the water! Do it do it! That makes as much logical sense as any of the other crap they're spewing.

Wow, you guys are giving me some fantastic ideas! Wait, I've got it! Connect me to SyFy, stat!

Sharktapillars. HELL YES.

Picture this:

A South African gang (they have gangs, right?) has concocted a new scheme to strong-arm the richest people in Capetown into paying them for something they call "shark protection." If they aren't paid, a great white shark, captured off the coast, is transported overland, at the same time as the victims' pools are surreptitiously drained and replaced with salt water. Instant shark tank for the unlucky pool owners (yes, most people would realize a shark was in their pool before getting in, but this is a SyFy movie, do you think I care?).

On their first attempt to transport a shark, the gang is spotted by the military as they are loading it into a tank in the back of a truck (you know, with winches and shit). The chase begins. The panicked gang members unwittingly head towards the Koeberg Nuclear Power Station. As they smash through the gates into the plant (I don't know what kind of security they have, does my past movie history suggest I give a damn?), the heavy exchange of gunfire between the gang and the military causes the plant to have a catastrophic meltdown.

As the world watches in horror, out of the radioactive ground zero comes a new abomination...sharktapillars! A nearby nest of South African super-caterpillars (they make nests, okay? They're super-caterpillars) is somehow mutated with the vaporized remains of the unfortunate great white shark, creating a massive swarm of shark-headed creepy crawlies! They devour everything in their path that's made of meat, and they're coming for you!

The sequels write themselves, too!

Sharktapillars 2: Mega Sharktapillars
Sharktapillars 3: Sharkterflies
Sharktapillars 4: Remember Alisha? She Had That Song "All Night Passion." We Got Her For This One

That was really, really good. (I think I have a new vein in my forehead from laughing so hard!).

You sure do deliver, TK.

I told y'all to trust me.

See what I did there? Because they're so shitty! I'm nothing if not a comedian.

I can't wait for "Superhuman Centipede vs. Mega Piranha Beavershark II: In My Ass."

I have a dream. It's a simple dream, but this movie may well have what it takes for it to come true.

All I want, at this time, in this place, is for at some point in the movie, when they're being chased by giant flying killer fish... for them to think they're out of the woods, and for Tiffany's character to look around furtively, grasp her love interest by the arm, and whisper, in hushed tones, "I think we're alone now."

That's really all I want.

BTW thank you TK, it was every bit as magnificent as advertised

It would've been infinitely better if morning calisthenics at school, especially the bicycle kick bits, involved giant frakkin' piranhas.

Gilligiggle: do you mean THIS?!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0122603/

I REMEMBER IT. MARABUNTA.

Haaaaaaa we loved it so much !

The Lost Room was good. That's the only other thing on the SciFi Channel that was good.

I humbly request real-time reviews for the upcoming marathon of quality viewings and writings you'll do, TK. Either way, can't wait.

Hell, makes me want to do a marathon of these films myself, but we don't have the same Sci-Fi channel here (for one, they still insist on spelling it "Sci-Fi"). I wonder what I can find online...

Has anyone else seen Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid? 'Tis the shit, I say. The complete and utter poop.

I was initially cracking up over that one master thespian from The Terminators showing up with exactly the same damn constipated Max Payne expression on his face. (Like The Asylum kept him in stasis between film shoots.) But then you get to the kicking...OMFG, the kicking...

I'm calling it now. Landshark. 2011.

To Mrs. Julien:

Sorry, Ms. Branigan isn't available, being dead and all, but she could star in say, ZombieSongstress vs. MegaGiantSharktopirahna!

Mike

There's one coming soon about MONGOLIAN DEATH WORMS. I need this in my life.