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Oh Neil Patrick Harris, What Do They Have On You?

By TK | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (30)

beastly.jpg

I would take a thousand Human Centipedes over this.

Below is the trailer for Beastly, a tween-tastic modern take on Beauty and the Beast. It’s got a cast list that makes me helplessly grind my teeth flat. Vanessa Hudgens, of High School Musical. Mary Kate Olsen, as a gotheriffic witch. And Alex Pettyfer of… I have no idea where he comes from, and I refuse to look it up. One of the circles of Hell, no doubt. It also stars, inexplicably, Neil Patrick Harris as a blind fairy godmother-type, who will likely be the saving grace of this film — not enough to salvage it, but enough to slightly dull the pain. It’s brought forth from the bowels of Hades by CBS Films — whether or not that means it’s a made-for-TV movie or it’s going to the theaters is beyond me, and again, I just don’t give a fuck enough to look it up.

The story is about a vain high school brat who is cursed by an Olsen twin to be ugly until he can find someone to love him for the man on the inside. He rescues Hudgens and apparently starts stalking her, which she of course finds endearing. Then, my brain vomited right through my eye sockets.

There is evil among us, people. This is proof. Watch it, if you dare, but it will bring you nothing but woe.

God, that looks like a giant, steaming pile of insipid, derivative shit.









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Comments

Wow, reallly? This looks atrocious. And the supposed "beast" transformation is ridiculous, I'd probs still hit it.

Posted by: kooling123 at April 20, 2010 10:57 AM

"cursed by an Olsen twin to be ugly"

which proves all along that I was right: they are trolls.

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 20, 2010 10:58 AM

Oh please. That's what passes for ugly? I've seen plenty of people who do that sort of crap to themselves because they think it makes them look good. Flesh cheetos, anyone?

Posted by: BWeaves at April 20, 2010 10:59 AM

Part of me hopes that this is the start of NPH's slide into obscurity, so that 10 years from now I can pay $25 to slip him the tongue at Wondercon.

I guess in reality that his CBS contract probably is behind this. And I do hope he continues to thrive. Mostly.

Posted by: Drake at April 20, 2010 11:03 AM

Did I...Did I actually just watch that trailer?

I'm going to hell.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at April 20, 2010 11:04 AM

Yeah, I kind of think he's hotter when he's all uglied up...at least then he's got some chacter instead of just being Blandly Cliche McPrettyboy.

Posted by: peachfish at April 20, 2010 11:08 AM

Also, I'm pretty sure A Thousand Human Centipedes will be the 3rd movie in the series.

Posted by: peachfish at April 20, 2010 11:09 AM

Sorry, but facial art, scars and strange piercings don't automatically make you hideous. How about an asscrack for a face? Or an upside-down face? Or Clint Howard's face? Or the face of that poor lady who was attacked by a chimpanzee? This guy's "deformity" represents a lack of creativity and cruelty, and I believe the Witches' International Coven and Cauldronry Association made the right choice of relegating Mary-Kate to cursing shallow uppercrust jocktards. She even gave that walking sack of sheet metal some sweet ninja skills in the deal! What a shitty witch.

Posted by: Kballs at April 20, 2010 11:12 AM

Three things: 1) NPH is lookin' hot in that vest and tie, and 2) Hudgens has finally learned how to breath properly when she speaks! The baby doll voice was annoying the crap out of me, and 3) I liked Pettyfer in Alex Rider. He kind of reminds me of Charlie Hunnam but without the charm, swagger and good taste in roles.

Posted by: Charlie Dia at April 20, 2010 11:18 AM

I think he looks pretty cool in beast form. Certainly an improvement. NPH seems pretty cool too. Might be fine for a kids film, I don't feel as bad for NPH as I was expecting.

Posted by: Steve at April 20, 2010 11:20 AM

Question: Would Neil Patrick Harris still be utterly bangable if he made
Beastly 2: Ashley wants to show off her ugly hair, too! all the way through
Beastly 7: None of us were in High School then, but now we're so old we have to acknowledge it in the plot. ?

Answer: Totally.

Question: Are a thousand Human Centipedes 1,000 three-person centipedes or 1 thousand person centipede?

Answer: Oh boy, do you ever not want to be segment 1,000!

Posted by: esme at April 20, 2010 11:29 AM

Part of me hopes that this is the start of NPH's slide into obscurity, so that 10 years from now I can pay $25 to slip him the tongue at Wondercon.

Me too.

Posted by: Anna von MEGA-SHARKTOPUS at April 20, 2010 11:32 AM

Also, gaddammit, that Pettyfor boy is very, very pretty and I will watch this and no doubt love it because there is something REALLY REALLY WRONG WITH ME.

Posted by: Anna von MEGA-SHARKTOPUS at April 20, 2010 11:44 AM

Hah! It won't load for me. The internet gods are merciful.

Posted by: DeadBessie at April 20, 2010 11:45 AM

Then, my brain vomited right through my eye sockets.

Looks like NPH barfs too at one point. Maybe the dark glasses are to cover up all of NPH's eye-rolling.

Posted by: mswas at April 20, 2010 11:51 AM

It wouldn't load for me either. I looked for it on YouTube. REALLY REALLY WRONG.

Posted by: Anna von MEGA-SHARKTOPUS at April 20, 2010 11:53 AM

Yeah, I think he's much more attractive after the transformation. He's got this tribal dystopian thing going on, where humanity has destroyed itself and small groups live in the crumbling shell of former civilization. Think Mad Max, but set entirely in a nighttime Manhattan slowly being reclaimed by nature.

The only ugly or terrifying thing about this movie is the Olsen.

Posted by: That Girl at April 20, 2010 11:59 AM

Kballs's comment made me pee with glee. At three. In a tree.

Whatever, it was funny.

Posted by: superasente at April 20, 2010 12:17 PM

I think it looks good. Better than the hemorrhaging abomination that seems to have worked its way into every computer but my own. Teens need films, too, and at least this one isn't saying "that girl with the glasses is secretly hot with a rack to die for and legs for days. Change everything about her from the inside out and everyone will be happy." It's saying "that guy you think is a dick is a dick. Ostracize him from society while you have a chance." A good, positive message, I say.

Posted by: Robert at April 20, 2010 1:54 PM

NPH making the "Gaggy face" gesture at around 2:18 says it all.
And by the way, "Neil Patrick Harris as a blind fairy godmother-type" -
Is that a gay joke? Homophobe!

Posted by: Odnon at April 20, 2010 2:15 PM

Why do all these shitty teen movies insist on ruining Death Cab for Cutie for me?

Posted by: michaelceratops at April 20, 2010 2:45 PM

I'm with you on that one michaelceratops.

Love the band, hate that they tend to get used for movies like this. Watching the preview and hearing that tune made my brain think the movie is going to be better than it has any capability of actually being.

Posted by: Roaddog at April 20, 2010 3:43 PM

Question: Are a thousand Human Centipedes 1,000 three-person centipedes or 1 thousand person centipede?

It would be a thousand people, and it would be called . . . The Human
Millipede. Latin, bitches!

Doo doo do dooooo . . . .

Posted by: Human Centipede at April 20, 2010 4:12 PM

No! Noooo! It's bad enough that they totally raped and slaughtered the tale of Beauty and the Beast, but did they HAVE to use Transatlanticism in the trailer? Are they TRYING to set me on edge?
And Doogie Houser looks very misplaced in this film. He's wonderful, but seems like a stock, possibly gay, comedic relief for an emo love story that is the poor man's version of the poor man's Twilight.
Whatever, I'm going to rewatch Cocteau's La Belle et La Bete and contemplate never having children.

Posted by: Kamikaze Feminist at April 20, 2010 5:08 PM

does anyone else thing he looks like eric bana in star trek after the transformation? which prolly means this is the prequel.

Posted by: Myrmidon16 at April 20, 2010 7:13 PM

DAMMIT Kamikaze! You beat me to the Twilight comment! Shit! (Which is what this looks like, but hell, I bet one day I'll be bored enough to watch it.)

Posted by: Four Eyes at April 20, 2010 7:21 PM

This looks like absolute crap but Alex Pettyfer is really, really pretty and I thought he showed decent acting chops in that Alex Rider thing. So if this gets him in front of American audiences, I'm cool. I'm hoping his career trajectory is more Zac Efron than Robert Pattinson.

Posted by: Abby at April 20, 2010 9:43 PM

This explains why NPH cast Vanessa as Mimi in RENT.
Why have you fallen so low NPH???

Posted by: emma at April 21, 2010 1:14 PM

First of all a big "WHAAAAAT?!?!!" to emma's comment.

Secondly, I can't watch the trailer right now, but isn't Peter Krause in this too? What's the Pajiba verdict on him? Personally, I think he's fantastic, and I also like that he realizes that he is a TV actor and there is nothing wrong with that.

Posted by: Mimi at April 21, 2010 4:22 PM

Huh, he does look like Eric bana in Star Trek. Also, I wonder what his eyebrows mean in arabic?

Lastly, I am of the opinion that "a thousand human centipedes" mean one thousand centipedes consisting of 3+ individuals each. Otherwise, it would have to be "a thousand-human centipede."

Posted by: peachfish at April 21, 2010 4:57 PM