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Where Your Author Gets So Flummoxed HE USES ALL CAPS

You'll Understand Why It's a FORGIVABLE SIN in a Moment / Dustin Rowles

Trailers | April 23, 2009 | Comments (66)

This is the most elaborate practical joke I’ve ever seen. Check out this trailer; it’s for Tommy and the Cool Mule. It’s one of those amusing comedy videos. It’s not Funny or Die, but it’s gotta be someone. Someone a lot smarter than Will Ferrell anyway, because they’ve not only created a trailer for the movie — which stars Kevin Sorbo, while Ice T provides the mule’s voice — but they’ve also somehow created an iMDB page and secured a release date in late May. They even got a distributor to go along with the hoax.

Wait? No. It’s real. IT’S FUCKING REAL?! You have got to be kidding me. There is no way on God’s green motherfucking Earth that this movie is real. I refuse to believe that a man sat down, wrote a script, secured financing, hired a crew, amassed a cast, and actually filmed a movie ABOUT A MOTHERFUCKING TALKING MULE and then had the audacity to actually title it TOMMY AND THE COOL MULE.

I’m sorry. I don’t often go the ALL CAP route. Something leapt out of my chest. I think it might have been my soul.

Believable unfuck, folks. Watch it. You will be amazed. Not at the trailer. But that it’s for an ACTUAL MOVIE.


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Comments

This would have a lot more impact if it weren't for the fact that I already know thanks to Rottentomatoes that they made a movie about a talking goose set for a 2009 release. It will be called Goose on the Loose.

Motherfucker, if we were any more artistically bankrupt as a culture this thing would be called Tyler Perry's: Tommy and the Cool Mule.

Posted by: George at April 23, 2009 8:57 PM

Geeze. This calls for a shot of something strong...vodka, scotch, turpentine, something!

Any suggestions?

Posted by: Four Eyes at April 23, 2009 9:00 PM

Oh. My. God.

Posted by: John W at April 23, 2009 9:11 PM

Deep hurting. DEEEEP HUUUURTING.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at April 23, 2009 9:27 PM

Now I'm very sad. :(

Posted by: Trevor at April 23, 2009 9:27 PM

Dear Mr. Rowles:

Your grievous breach of common decency has greatly traumatized my client. Quite frankly, your warning was insufficient when it comes to the horror contained in that clip. She is currently curled up in the corner, chanting "why? why? Oh, GOD, why??" repeatedly. I cast the blame squarely on you, sir. You ought to have kept such an abomination to yourself. I am sure you will argue that it is your duty to bring such a travesty to the public's attention, but that is a weak excuse for inflicting even the notion of this movie on those who are, after all, only human.

If you were kind enough to send a bottle of the Macallan, at least 25 years old, to the address contained in our private missive, along with a suitable cadre of near naked dancing boys with abs almost as fine as those of Ryan Reynolds, my client will be somewhat mollified and may be distracted enough to drop all charges.

You have our offer, sir. Think carefully about your choices.

Sincerely,

Marzipan Diddler, Esq.

Posted by: Reba at April 23, 2009 9:31 PM

Oh HELL no....

Posted by: Janey at April 23, 2009 9:32 PM

Bleach, Four Eyes. It's the only way.

Posted by: lizzieborden at April 23, 2009 9:32 PM

I am so there!!

The part where little Tommy hits his head and lights and stars flash around his skull? That's comic gold people! Comic gold!!

And c'mon... a farting mule? It doesn't get any better than that!

Posted by: Kelly at April 23, 2009 9:40 PM

Oh no.

No.

NO!!

FUCK NO.

Fuck Kevin Sorbo. And the ass he rode in one. What a jackass.


.........
...............

Do you see what that trailer made me do?! It made me write bad mule puns.

The end is nigh, people.

Posted by: stardust savant at April 23, 2009 9:46 PM

Thanks, I kind of wondered what it'd be like to shove my head into a microwave. Now I know.

Excuse me whilst I vomit out my spinal cord.

Posted by: Kayanne at April 23, 2009 9:48 PM

I chuckled at the "I was abducted by aliens?" line. Hercules is so damn likable!

Otherwise, yes, throw stones, end of entertainment, et cetera et cetera.

Posted by: SaBrina at April 23, 2009 9:57 PM

So they updated Hot to Trot??

Posted by: Mistress Violet at April 23, 2009 9:58 PM

Someone else saw Hot to Trot?
I thought I'd hallucinated that movie.

Posted by: Inaras at April 23, 2009 10:20 PM

Fuck Sorbo, he was in the 300 spoof movie. But Ice T, you did Colors man. I loved that song-in fact that whole soundtrack was great. And now you're a poor man's Eddie Murphy. Look, tell Coco that's enough with the plastic surgery and you won't have to do this shit.

Posted by: MrCresosote at April 23, 2009 10:22 PM

I call for a public execution of all involved- children included.... Don't forget the mule either...

Hang 'em high!

Posted by: lucy at April 23, 2009 10:25 PM

Two words:

Ee.

Gad.

Posted by: Jerce at April 23, 2009 10:29 PM

It looks funny!

www.IGotConverse.com

Posted by: haqikah at April 23, 2009 10:31 PM

Sad thing is Kevin Sorbo had to do some big "favours" to get the part. Big, 10-inch favours.

Posted by: admin at April 23, 2009 10:44 PM

Guess who! are you my best friend from middle school?

Posted by: Kayanne at April 23, 2009 11:05 PM

There is no emoticon for what I'm feeling!

Posted by: branded at April 23, 2009 11:11 PM

Dustin's all caps just calls for a ROFL.

Jeebus I almost got a hernia from laughing so hard. HAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Posted by: figgy at April 23, 2009 11:28 PM

oh come ON, it should be no big shock that this is what we get. you give a pig an oscar, shit starts sliding downhill.

Posted by: gp at April 23, 2009 11:29 PM

Can you say direct to DVD?

Posted by: grace b at April 23, 2009 11:35 PM

I don't think so Kayanne, I didn't have a lot of friends in middle school. I was a nerd, I wasn't part of the "in" crowd.

I guess you could say the cool kids, the ones in charge, banned you from trying to talk to them, huh?

Posted by: SaBrina at April 23, 2009 11:38 PM

Oh god someone help me I can't stop laughing oh god my stomach aaaaaaaaaaaaah---

*death*

Posted by: figgy at April 23, 2009 11:41 PM

This can NOT be real?!! What the holy hell???

This reminds me of some kind of cheap Disney Channel/Lifetime collaboration... except it's a joke, right?!?!!!

Posted by: AgoGo at April 23, 2009 11:42 PM

ok, SaBrina, stalkery question: is that you in that picture on your blog profile? because that 'college smart" shirt is the coolest thing! :)

Posted by: gp at April 23, 2009 11:43 PM

Yep, that's me. Clearly my parents were putting way too much pressure on me from an early age, and that's how I can blame them for my failure to actually stay in college.

Posted by: SaBrina at April 23, 2009 11:49 PM

Four Eyes - Sulphuric acid.

Wow, am I wrong, or did that contain just about every racist stereotype going?

Bad Mule Pun Alert: Ice-T as a mule? "clop" killer.

Posted by: Odnon at April 23, 2009 11:49 PM

i want one.
i was JUST saying today that kids have the coolest clothes.

little hipster bastards!

Posted by: gp at April 24, 2009 12:01 AM

Dustin, this looks so bad that you're going to have to assign 8 reviewers to it, because none of them are going to last more than fifteen minutes. Just send them individually into the theater in shifts after each one passes out.

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at April 24, 2009 12:07 AM

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

"Francis the Talking Mule was a mule celebrity, featured in seven movie comedies in the 1950s. The character originated in a novel by writer David Stern, and soon Universal Studios bought the rights for a film series, with Stern adapting his own script for the first entry, simply titled Francis."

Why yes, I AM in favor of euthanasia for people my age. How did you know?

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 24, 2009 12:15 AM

Aww, I totally was a fucking hipster back then, wasn't I? The messy, vaguely mullet-y hair, floppy ironic bow, ironic T-shirt, ironic paper plate.

Thank god I was cute.

Anyways, come on over to Brooklyn and you can probably find a shirt just like it.

Posted by: SaBrina at April 24, 2009 12:19 AM

i was JUST saying today that kids have the coolest clothes.

gp, this is my problem! When I was a kid I had teal outfits with flowers and puppy dogs and giant neon scrunchies. I was looking forward to the day where I would trot my kid out in outfits that looked ridiculous because my kid should be allowed to take advantage of the time when (s)he doesn't give a shit about what people think of her/him. Now all these kids today with their trendy clothes. Eff that I'm trotting my kid out in some nerd gear at least for a week in second grade. It's called character building!

Posted by: Kayanne at April 24, 2009 12:29 AM

i remember mixing my garanimals.

and tube socks, apparently i was a big fan of tube socks.

Posted by: gp at April 24, 2009 1:00 AM

Sorbo's got bills to pay and a family to support, and he's not exactly getting the best roles these days, so don't blame him. He's too pretty to be at fault here. I feel that somehow I should blame Spencer from The Hills.

Posted by: Elfrieda at April 24, 2009 1:31 AM

HERCULES!NOOOO!! NOT LIKE THISSSSSS!!!!

Posted by: Nadine at April 24, 2009 3:48 AM

Please tell me this is straight to DVD.

Posted by: UncivilizedMike at April 24, 2009 4:49 AM

Please tell me this is straight to that video store in "Be Kind Rewind"-so it can be erased.

Posted by: MrCresosote at April 24, 2009 5:53 AM

Could Ice-T be a BIGGER paycheck whore?

Dude, you used to be a pimp.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 24, 2009 6:23 AM

Sparkles, there were fucking SPARKLES. Did anyone else see when there were Sparkles for no reason? Did I have an aneurism? Do you see sparkles when you have an aneurism?

Posted by: Piato at April 24, 2009 6:49 AM

Hey, hey, now. This is Ice-T and The Sorbo - what were you EXPECTING? Quality? Sorbo is the guy who honestly could not figure out why he isn't a major dramatic lead in Hollywood. Seriously.

This movie doesn't worry me. The people making it clearly know it's crap. What would worry me is if it was a major studio release with big stars attached. THEN, be scared.

Posted by: Landon at April 24, 2009 7:01 AM

"What are you doing in my bathroom?"

"I was abducted by aliens."

WTF?

And someone falls into a pool with their clothes on? Seriously? Are we sure this isn't something that was released say, 20 years ago, when that might have gotten a chuckle?

Those CGI sparkles were a masterstroke, however.

Hell, even the voice-over guy didn't sound convinced that this was real, and decided to lay it on thick so the joke was really convincing.

Posted by: DeadBessie at April 24, 2009 8:26 AM

"I'm going to call it Death Bed - The Bed That Eats People!"

Posted by: Tammy at April 24, 2009 8:38 AM

The only movie I need about an awesome athletic donkey, is Gus; in which he neither talks, nor magically farts sparkles on children or whatever. Also there is Don Knotts.

Posted by: HB at April 24, 2009 9:15 AM

UncivilizedMike Straight in the bin would be better.

Holy crap.

But I'm intrigued, how will it end? Will he win the race? Will he scupper the evil golf course man's plans? Will he be a local hero? I dunno, I'll have to watch the trailer again seeing as the whole film is right there.

How is this real?

Posted by: Carrie at April 24, 2009 9:39 AM

Back in college my friends and I used to get high and watch the worst movies we could find. This makes me wish I was in back in college. Well, this and about 1,856,943 other things.
Also, this is the final nail in Ice-T's pimp coffin. He knocked a few loose by pulling that ridiculously proportioned white girl, Coco. Now it would take a thousand Coco's and another Body Count album to re-pimp himself.

Posted by: Kballs at April 24, 2009 9:40 AM

At 1:24 the mule farts. And excuses himself.

Enough said.

Posted by: Kolby at April 24, 2009 9:49 AM

Call me crazy, but not even seeing the trailer this sounds like a step up for Kevin Sorbo's career. Anything does when your last major motion picture was "Meet the Spartans".

Posted by: Doctor Controversy at April 24, 2009 9:50 AM

Our society has fallen.

Our "culture" has eaten itself.

Humanity has squandered its raison d'être.

There is nothing more to see here.

Last one to die, please turn off the lights.

That is all.

Posted by: gforcetwo at April 24, 2009 9:52 AM

Ice-T? Ice-T of Cop Killer fame?! That Ice-T?! Jesus Christ, I guess someone needs a pay check. That just makes me shake my head.

Posted by: tamatha at April 24, 2009 10:31 AM

Francis the Talking Mule? Are they remaking those awful things now? Is Mr. Ed next?

Posted by: BWeaves at April 24, 2009 10:54 AM

Heee! The donkey's name is "Jackie A"! Holy shit, that was hilarious. Will I see it? No. But will I tell my friends to check out that trailer? Hell to the YES!

Posted by: Chickaboom at April 24, 2009 11:02 AM

It's a fucking kid's movie! Save your outrage for those asinine Oscar hopefuls that feature botoxed actors in prosthetics and/or denounce racism with mind-numbingly predictable vignettes.

Posted by: snapnhiss at April 24, 2009 11:21 AM

That's not real. I refuse to believe that's real.

Posted by: Cuno at April 24, 2009 12:32 PM

Hollywood is lampooning itself. I think I need to see this movie.

Posted by: Lucas at April 24, 2009 12:36 PM

I've watched worse things while high.

Posted by: jM at April 24, 2009 12:47 PM

All this and Diana Gabaldon's "Outlander" has all but died on its feet shortly after being optioned? FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU Hollywood!

Posted by: teacupnosaucer at April 24, 2009 12:54 PM

No fucking way that is real. It's got to be a SNL short or some such thing.

Posted by: EastCoastUgly at April 24, 2009 2:12 PM

"Francis the Talking Mule vs. Mr. Ed"

It would be just like "Alien vs. Predator" except with ... um, carrots and lumps of sugar.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 24, 2009 2:16 PM

Remember when Ice Cube was accusing that Souja Boy of selling out hip hop?

Posted by: Jimsnat Pigbelly at April 24, 2009 3:03 PM

Oh. HELLS! No.

Skitz, I think it's about time we went a'MurderTankin. This must not be allowed to reach theatres make it to DVD. Quickly, before my brain finishes draining out my eyeballs and shorts out my keyb#%#$!

Posted by: lordhelmet at April 24, 2009 6:31 PM

But... IMDB doesn't have this listed under Ice-T's filmography... he doesn't have anything coming up in 2009 when this "movie" is slated to release.

Could it be possible that he's actually NOT involved in this??? I don't think the mule's voice sounded like him anyways.

Posted by: Michelle at April 24, 2009 7:04 PM

1:21 in, and my brain started vomiting blood. Make it STOP!

Posted by: The Wanderer at April 27, 2009 6:27 AM

i Can haz anurizm? Iz blood comin out earz? Why me speek funnyz now?

Posted by: Jack Random at April 27, 2009 7:06 PM