How do you make a low-budget Titanic sequel, knowing that the biggest expense in the first one was likely the elaborate water effects? I dunno, but my guess is that there’s a lot of water hoses involved, and a guy named Sven with a pencil mustache who runs around the set with his finger on the nozzle.
Below is the trailer for Titanic II, which comes from The Asylum, the production company behind Transmorphers,The Da Vinci Treasure and Snakes on a Train. I’m still a little confused as to how they manage to make a profit on these productions since video stores barely exist anymore, and obviously, the only way to hoodwink anyone into renting one of the combination of a deceptive DVD-box cover and some really fucking dumb and/or drunk college students trying to kill time on a Friday night.
Anyway, basically the premise is this: To celebrate the 100th Anniversary of the original Titanic’s voyage, someone decides its a good idea to create another Titanic ship, which goes on the same exact voyage. “The Same Day. The Same Course. The Same Result.” Only now, you know, with toy ships.
I was fooled by one of these once. I don't know if it was the same production company, but it was when The Day The Earth Stood Still came out on DVD.
A few friends and I went to order it off the On Demand on TV. The thing is, the way the On Demand menu works, the whole title doesn't display in the selection menu. So I scroll down, find "The Day The Earth St..." and hastily order it.
When the movie starts, there's, like, some naked chick. And like, Judd Nelson, only he looks like Kevin Smith 75 lbs. ago and then Bug Hall comes on the screen and I'm like, "Look, I know this movie got low ratings, but WTF?" and my other friend is like, "Isn't Keanu Reeves in this?" and then we tried to figure out if who we thought was Judd Nelson was actually Keanu Reeves in disguise, but it wasn't.
What happened was I paid $4.99 to watch "The Day The Earth Stopped."
I was pretty annoyed and pissed off. Until I finally did watch The Day The Earth Stood Still and realized I was actually more entertained by The Day The Earth Stopped.
Posted by: Lindsay at July 29, 2010 11:08 AM
Loving the dialogue, "looks like history is repeating itself."
Posted by: Nimue at July 29, 2010 11:11 AM
In my dreams a Titanic sequel always involved Billy Zane wolfing out, which is the same dream I had for the first one.
Posted by: Harry Coverts at July 29, 2010 11:19 AM
Good place for all bi'g and t'a'll sing'les, please check: ---BigTalls ,, C'o "M ---- ,More fun waiting for you... Meet me - shirleylv23
FINALLY a Titanic movie that's just inexplicable straight horror. "Beware of the boat!" - Tagline waiting to happen.
Posted by: Valerie at July 29, 2010 11:26 AM
Instead of changing the names to resemble its counterpart, they should just add, "For Retards," to the end of the original.
Titanic For Retards
The Da Vinci Code For Retards
Life is Beautiful For Retards
Aww. That last one sounds kinda sweet.
Posted by: Kballs at July 29, 2010 11:30 AM
It would have a better chance of roping people in if they called it Twotanic.
How are they getting financing for this shit? Is there some sort of money-guaranteeing loophole in our tax laws a la Uwe Boll in Germany?
And if so, may I suggest 2013: Earth Dies Again!
Or the companion piece to the upcoming Sucker Punch, Crotch Kick!
We could do this all day.
/movie trailer voice
The B-Team Starring Armand Assante as Hamilcar, Kimbo Slice as D.C. Daracas, James Van der Beek as PotatoFace, and DJ Qualls as The Weird Guy!
Steven Dorff as you've never seen him before. Back for blood, desperate for vengeance...Steven Dorff as Alton Shugar in...Some Country for Middle-Aged Folks!
The triumphant return of the couple you couldn't get enough of in Alone in the Dark. We've reunited them for the tale of star-crossed lovers torn apart by another horrible accusation, separated by another horrific war! Tara Reid as his greatest love, Christian Slater as the soldier sent off to the hell in the bloody and terrible Falkland Islands...and reintroducing Amanda Bynes ...Bereavement!
Posted by: D-Day at July 29, 2010 11:34 AM
Do I have to make the speech about the word "retard" again? I will be as annoying as I need to be.
It is not a nice word. It never was and never will be. If you have ever known someone who is challenged and imagined the epithet being used to describe them you will understand why it is so mean. If you don't know anyone who is challenged IMAGINE YOU DO!
Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 29, 2010 11:49 AM
Look up the word "retard" in a dictionary. It simply means "to hinder something's progress." It's a perfectly acceptable word. Now shut up, Retard!
Posted by: Case at July 29, 2010 12:14 PM
Mrs. Julien,
I use the word interchangeably with "assholes" or "people who enjoy things that infuriate me" or "douchebags." It has nothing to do with mentally challenged people (of which I've known and cared about many) for me, but the last sentence of my comment was offensive and I apologize.
Posted by: Kballs at July 29, 2010 12:26 PM
Titanic for The Damned... FTFY
Posted by: Nedra at July 29, 2010 12:36 PM
FINALLY a Titanic movie that's just inexplicable straight horror. "Beware of the boat!"
Nah, nah...
"We're gonna need a bigg-nother boat."
Posted by: Rykker at July 29, 2010 12:42 PM
@case
Your argument would be a lot more convincing if that was the way that KBalls had used it. It isn't and you know it. Faux-etymologist!
Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 29, 2010 12:50 PM
Looking for bi'g and t'a'll sing'les, please check: ---BigTalls ,, C'o "M ---- ,More fun waiting for you... Meet me - shirleylv23
D-day the B-team description is priceless, laughed out loud. Thanks for that. "Potatoface" HAHAHA!
Mrs. Julien you are more than welcome to express your outrage at the use of retard, but be advised nobody fucking cares what outrages you. So kindly STFU and take your advocacy somewhere else.
KBalls don't apologize to her, the last one it was clever, and if you had substituted the word morons, idiots, imbeciles or simpletons for retards no doubt the Mrs. panties would have been a lot less bunched. Whereas with a quick search of the etymology of the word moron, it is shown to be a "psychological term once used to denote a category of mental retardation one step above imbecile". "Imbecile is an obsolete term for a degree of mental retardation, as well as for a type of criminal." The obsolete terms don't offend you? Interesting. Never called someone a moron? Hmmm.
Mentally retarded encompasses a wide variety of levels of intelligence from mild to severe.
But you probably only have a issue with it if its assumed to be directed at those we can outwardly detect are deficient mentally right? For most people today it just an analogy for stupid, not Corky from Life Goes On.
"Life is beautiful, for morons"
Happy?
Get off your high horse imbecile.
Posted by: ZAGA at July 29, 2010 2:15 PM
I'm getting input here that is relatively hostile.
Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 29, 2010 2:21 PM
Not hostile, I hold no ill will towards you personally. I am just a weebit tired of the self-righteousness that goes along with word policing thats all. If you put your two cents out there don't be surprised that others have change in their pockets as well.
Posted by: ZAGA at July 29, 2010 2:54 PM
What are you like when you are hostile?
I did know the etymology fun facts about of the words moron and imbecile you mentioned; I believe idiot was on the scale as well. Do not make any assumptions as to how, when or if I use them to describe people.
When I express my distaste for the word "retard", you can certainly do whatever you want with your intellectual pocket change.
Lastly, you're a weebit.
Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 29, 2010 3:12 PM
Titanic II: The Sickening.
Wow. Hubris tastes like.. irony.
Posted by: Odnon. at July 29, 2010 3:15 PM
Ha ha! Oh, I'm going to enjoy the backlash. I will laugh my ass off when all those insufferable idiots who loved the first one, start crying: "HOW DARE THEY make a sequel!!!". I for one, HATED that James Cameron sappy, boring mess. By the second hour I wanted to jump off a ship!
Looks like a SyFy production. Soooo gonna watch the hell out of this.
FINALLY, a sequel I will enjoy.
Posted by: Tina at July 29, 2010 5:56 PM
Titanic For Retards
But wasn't THAT the first one?
Posted by: Tina at July 29, 2010 5:58 PM
I wonder if the Titanic's sister ships would be material for films that could be billed as Titanc sequels.
Posted by: Pat C at July 29, 2010 6:05 PM
@Mrs. Julien
Your argument would be a lot more convincing if it wasn't coming from such a retarded retard who's retarded.
Posted by: Case at July 29, 2010 6:15 PM
@Case
Please wait a moment whilst I clutch my pearls.
How can I possibly respond to such a cutting riposte? I can't reach my thesaurus at the moment and am denied the mot juste. I am chagrined. I simply must fashion an apropos retort. I'm afraid that I'll post
prematurely and we all know how awful it is to suffer from esprit de
l'escalier. Whatever shall I do?
Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 29, 2010 6:56 PM
@Case. Why are you feeding the troll?
Posted by: Mr. Julien at July 29, 2010 8:22 PM
Just for the record, The Asylum is behind some of the Sci Fi masterpieces. These are a few of their movies:
Mega Piranha
Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus
Posted by: Melody at July 29, 2010 8:27 PM
Insert withering response here. I've got to go watch Project Runway.
Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 29, 2010 9:04 PM
I for one, HATED that James Cameron sappy, boring mess. By the second hour I wanted to jump off a ship!
I agree, Tina, this will almost certainly be better than Cameron's overwrought ejaculation. Yeah The Asylum!
Posted by: Uriah Creep at July 29, 2010 10:04 PM
OK. Seriously? Anyone seen any other disaster movie this resembles... maybe from the 70's? and again recently...
Cameron's was horrible... And Avatar was just Pocahontas in space...for retards.
P.S. Mrs. Julian, speaking of pocket change, here's a quarter... You sound like a C*nt.
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Posted by: ada at July 30, 2010 5:33 AM
And my sociology experiment is complete.
Number of comments required before being called a c*nt?
Me 6
Others 6
I’m surprised it took so long.
Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 30, 2010 9:04 AM
Yeah, but you'll notice he didn't have the balls to actually SAY "c*nt." Which is indicative of the fact that he knows he's being an asshole, and is secretly ashamed of himself.
Basically, a little kid acting out. Pay them no mind, Ms. J.
I will confess that I use "retarded" as an adjective periodically. I mean no harm by it, but I also know it's not particularly socially acceptable. Does it help if I feel kind of bad about it afterward? Eventually I'll phase it out altogether, much like I did when I used "gay" when I was a stupid child.
Interestingly, my comment was bounced, likely because I had spelled out "c*nt." So perhaps he originally did have the balls. Either way, my point is still valid, I suspect.
Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at July 30, 2010 9:53 AM
Ms. Julian, and Other Agent...
I love the fact that you assume that I am a man because of my comment. A bit sexist I feel. And yes, I only *'ed because I got blocked... I am not ashamed of what I said. In fact, I went to bed a little sorry that I didn't go with T W A T instead. I felt that had a bit more of a ring to it. And just for the record, not a child acting out. This comment thread was supposed to be about a movie... not how you are SO offended that someone used a dirty word! Heaven forbid. And just so you know, because you seem so sheltered, a pearl necklace can refer to a bedroom act... use the term lightly.
I bid you good day madam.
So she much rather be the poor boy's whore than the bad guy's wife in this one, too?