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A Quantum Singularity of Suckitude

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (28)

threemusketeersorlandobloom.jpg

Orlando Bloom did an exceptionally brief behind the scenes thing in costume for The Three Musketeers. He is either actually high, attempting the worst imaginable impression of Jack Sparrow, or perhaps both.

No one had particularly high hopes that this was going to be great cinema, but this looks beyond terrible. We’re not even talking the degree of idiotically entertaining drivel like Pirates of the Caribbean or Transformers. This is just baffling crap, the sort that people who see six movies a month and have already seen everything else playing won’t bother seeing.

Hey Legolas, Johnny Depp wants his schtick back.









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Comments

Yep. That photo made my day.

Posted by: Jay at February 2, 2011 10:08 AM

I thought that was Danny McBride before I clicked through.

Posted by: Melissa at February 2, 2011 10:14 AM

Well you knew this was going to suck, right.

Ah well, we still got the glory of the 70s Three Musketeers. Oliver Reed, Richard Chamberlain, Michael York vs Charlton Heston and Christopher Lee.

How can this compare?

Posted by: Fredo at February 2, 2011 10:16 AM

The Man in the Iron Mask was pretty awful, too. Maybe it's the material? Swashbuckling has never appealed to me.

Posted by: feral streep at February 2, 2011 10:19 AM

Posted by: Jay at February 2, 2011 10:26 AM

I think that's just Orlando trying, desperately, to have a personality.

Posted by: logan at February 2, 2011 10:26 AM

The man is a dick. A plank. A dickplank. A useless waste of breath, screen time, bandwidth, gigabytes and wood.

Posted by: zeke the pig at February 2, 2011 10:29 AM

Still trying to figure out who Bloom is playing, besides a dirty dandy with a temper who hates fire? But I knew I'd pass when I heard the phrase "contemporary spin", because no.

Posted by: Chickaboom at February 2, 2011 10:30 AM

Oh it's a period piece all right; popping up at the wrong time of the month, bleeding for seven days, and everyone will stay well away from it until it returns from the black chasm from whence it came.

Posted by: D-Day at February 2, 2011 10:35 AM

He comes across like Lord Percy from the Elizabethan Blackadder - I know it's a century or so out but he is exuding just about the same level of negative sex appeal and dandyfied dumbery.

Posted by: Dora at February 2, 2011 10:38 AM

Ew.

Everytime I see new stories about him now I think back to the blissful days when I saw him on the behind the scenes featurette for LOTR. When he talked about breaking his back as a teenager I thought (then) that he was such a badass.

Then he just turned out to be an idiot.

And wtf accent is he trying here?

Posted by: grace b at February 2, 2011 10:55 AM

It is NOT the material, don't you ever, ever say that. Dumas was a genius of storytelling, wit and romance. It's not his fault that every single fucking person who tries to adapt his work is a bumbling monkey flinging feces at the screen, thinking that big hats and feathers are enough to make a good movie.

Posted by: Figgy at February 2, 2011 11:30 AM

Figgy, I'm with you up to "every single fucking person" because I was in love with the 70's Musketeers, and Queen Margot, which wasn't bad - that dude sweated BLOOD and it was done well.

Dumas was The Man (um, Le Monsieur) tho.
Didja know he was black?
Happy February, y'all!

Posted by: Chickaboom at February 2, 2011 11:37 AM

Um, yeah, I'm with Chickaboom. I don't need any contemporary flavoring in my period pieces, thanks.

Posted by: leuce7 at February 2, 2011 11:41 AM

Figgy, I've only read The Count of Monte Cristo, which I loved, so I'm trusting you that it's not Dumas's writing that's the problem. It's pretty difficult not to think of a fop when you see those feathered hats and fancy mustaches.

Posted by: feral streep at February 2, 2011 11:42 AM

I have no problem with remakes, but no way this is going to top Richard Lester's version. Best performance of Charlton Heston's career.

"One should be careful what one writes. And to whom one gives it."

Posted by: The Mutt at February 2, 2011 11:58 AM

Dora, yes! He has the same general air as Lord Percy Percy! Everyone thought he was a poofter - perhaps that is what Blooom may be angling for. A bit fey, much lilke Captain Jack.

Posted by: The Wanderer at February 2, 2011 11:59 AM

Let's just admit that interview for what it is, Bloom's cognitive dissonance in action, as he try's to reconcile wanting to be in movies and promote this movie, with the utter ridiculousness he's found himself in the middle of.

Posted by: e at February 2, 2011 12:15 PM

I am not usually one to go all "they're raping my childhood!" on a movie. I'm usually a bit less whiny than that.

But I will knock a motherfucker's teeth down his throat for fucking up Dumas too much. I allow a fair bit of latitude, but once I'm actually offended, I start looking for brass knuckles and ways I can use their internal organs around the lab.

Posted by: ZombieScientist at February 2, 2011 12:26 PM

A friend of mine almost appeared in this movie as an extra. Dodged a bullet there. Whatever it is that Orlando contracted between stunningly beautiful, fashionably androgynous elf and... this, whatever it is, might be catching. Even his hair is trying to escape.

Posted by: Rooks at February 2, 2011 2:39 PM

Someone spill water on him so he'll melt.

Posted by: wemblydale at February 2, 2011 2:47 PM

Am I the only person here who enjoyed the Oliver Platt 3 musketeers?

Posted by: Lennon at February 2, 2011 8:14 PM

But the rest of the cast is sooooo fascinating: Matthew Macfadyen, Christoph Waltz, Mads Mikkelsen, Ray Stevenson, and, of course (since it's a Paul W.S. Anderson film), Leeloo! I'm so conflicted!

Posted by: Uriah Creep at February 2, 2011 9:54 PM

But it will suck mightily.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at February 2, 2011 9:55 PM

@Lennon, no you are not alone. I will not even ADMIT how many times I watched that 3 Musketeers when I was a kid. And I am loving the Lord Percy Percy comments, you people rock.

As for this clip, I may be misreading, but it seems that Orlando is about as full of contempt for this project as he can manage to be without outright leaving the dumb thing. The way he talks about the airship for example is a bit telling. I think he knows this movie is off the rails in a very bad way and he's going to regret it, but what can you do? Answer: a bad Johnny Depp impression and as much snark as you can muster without getting in trouble. Plus, this is an ET interview, and I imagine those are abysmally soul-sucking enterprises. To me he just looks unhappy and more than a bit embarrassed.

Posted by: Kim at February 2, 2011 10:19 PM

The Richard Lester version rocks.

The Disney version sucks--though Oliver Platt has his moments.

If you can somehow ignore all scenes with DiCaprio, The Man in the Iron Mask isn't too bad.

This Anderson monstrosity, however, is going to make Norbit look like Citizen Kane.

Posted by: jthomas666 at February 2, 2011 11:51 PM

Aww, I love Michael York. I still remember seeing Austin Powers and thinking, "Hey, it's D'Artagnan!" And it's hard to go wrong with Richard Chamberlain, in my book. His Count of Monte Cristo is the only version whose existence I will acknowledge (you cut me deep, Guy Pearce). That book needs NO changes and NO modernization. Same with the Musketeers.

Also, I have NEVER understood the appeal of elf-boy up there.

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at February 3, 2011 12:43 AM

Dang. While scrolling down Pajiba, I saw the header photo and totally thought they were making a Blackadder movie (which I would pay to see--multiple times). Well, similar hairdo, the Van Dyke beard, shiny outfits. But Orlando Bloom? [phlegm expelled]. Don't think so.

Posted by: True_Blue at February 3, 2011 1:15 PM