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This Week In Inexplicable Trailers: The Midget Plays A Giant and Taken 2: The Takening

By TK | Trailers | July 9, 2012 | Comments ()


Tom-Cruise-in-Jack-Reacher-2012-Movie-Image-3.jpg

These two trailers are everything that is wrong with Hollywood. With America. With the universe.

First, the trailer for Jack Reacher, based on Lee Child's novel, One Shot. I'm on record as stating that in the long and storied history of dumb fucking ideas, this is one of the dumbest fucking ideas on that list. The thing is, if you can strain out the Scientological whackadoodlenosity, I actually like Tom Cruise. I've enjoyed 3/4 of the Mission: Impossible series, I thought he was transcendent in Tropic Thunder, and Top Gun is one of my favorite gay porno movies 80's movies. And I know that Jack Reacher is written and directed by Christopher McQuarrie, and that early script buzz has been positive. But what I don't get is why they simply didn't make an original movie about Cruise as a badass protagonist, instead of casting him as a character who's supposed to be an intimidating, giant physical presence. Whatever. Here's the trailer that debuted a couple of weeks ago, only in English this time. It's silly, and I don't know where the car comes from -- Reacher is essentially a homeless army vet (a former MP) who has no possessions to his name. That's yet another thing they appear to be fucking with. Swell.

Watch the damn trailer:

And then we have Taken 2, which has been nicknamed (by various media outlets) Look Who's Taken Now, Taken It Two The Streets, Taken 2: Electric Boogaloo, and many others. It looks awful. Ignoring the fact that it's wholly unnecessary and it not only replicates much of the plot of the original but also entire lines of dialogue, it simply looks goddamn stupid. But my commentary on the subject is, quite frankly dwarfed by the genius of the fine lads at Hijinks Ensue, so I'm going to direct you to them instead (click to embiggen):

2012-06-21-taken-it-2-the-streets.jpg

If you don't follow their site, I highly recommend it.

Anyway, the trailer, which is an alternate to the most recent one:







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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Wait...is Maggie Grace supposed to be the kick ass Taken Avenger in the sequel? Because Shannen from LOST is not believable as anything other than a whiny succubus.

  • Jim Slemaker

    Liam Neeson's badassery is quantifiably the best badassery on Planet Hollywood. Taken 2? Yesssssss!

  • Slash

    Why isn't Liam Neeson this Reacher guy? Sounds kinda obvious to me, but I don't have Scientology logic at my disposal.

  • $27019454

    I'm always glad for the opportunity to poke fun at Cruise. And today is no exception.

    It's laughable casting. Like Bizzaro World casting. It's like casting Mrs. Tiggy Winkle to play Don Corleone.

  • Devil Child

    It shouldn't be inexplicable that Tom Cruise is insecure about himself being a badass. Tom Cruise is so crazy and insecure he demanded to actually climb that giant UAE building for Ghost Protocol, and filed for divorce after his second wife had a miscarriage.

    The only time I remember him showing restraint was when he didn't sue the Buffalo Beast after they put him on the 50 Most Loathesome list, to my surprise, he even avoided a lawsuit for the second year they did it, which was done specifically so he'd sue them.

    It's absurd that a man can be insecure after climbing the tallest building in the world, finding ways to keep a film series good even in the fourth installment, banging the hottest women in the world, and earning enough money from one movie to buy the Monticello, all because of fertility problems.

  • hapl0

    So it's not ok to call Peter Dinklage a midget because we love Tyrion and all the little people around the world but it's ok to call Tom Cruise a midget/ rabid munchkin/ tiny Tom/ wee little puppet man because you hate his religion...or just him. Ok.

    I think by now it's pretty clear that they're not staying true to the book so enough with the "funny" jokes already. We get it, you're taller and bigger than Tom Cruise which automatically makes you a better actor than him.

    I rather watch Tom give us a honest attempt at reinterpreting the character like he did so well with Lestat than watch The Rock strut his boob muscles for two hours.

    Also, if a 5 10 Matt Damon can beat the shit out of multiple guys in the Bourne series then there's no reason a 5 7 3/4 Tom Cruise with lifts can't do the same so piss off already.

  • $27019454

    Yes. Yes, exactly. It is OK to call Tom Cruise a wee puppet man (in fact, I think i'll start right now) and all the other clever little nicknames you just listed. But not because we hate him or his religion. We call him these names because we can. Because this is Pajiba and it's practically our JOB. Because we owe it to the universe to balance out all the grotesque sycophancy that keeps him employed as anything but a doorstop. Because it must be done.

    The fact that we hate his religion is just icing on the teeny tiny miniature pipsqueaky cake.

  • $27019454

    Also, you forgot "pint-sized couch pouncer."

  • hapl0
  • tatertot

    I like Tom Cruise. I really enjoyed him in the "Mission Impossible" movies and completely believed he could kick-ass as that character in that world, but he is totally and completely wrong for the part of Reacher.

    It's sort of the equivalent of casting -- oh, let's say -- Summer Glau as Brienne of Tarth. Summer has kicked-ass in several shows and done it well, but I could never in a million years see her as Brienne. Not even with lifts in her shoes.

  • branded_redux

    I'm still of the opinion that Collateral was Cruise's best performance of the last ten years. I'll be curious to see how his attempted badassery in that will compare.

  • Agreed.

  • PDamian

    "But what I don’t get is why they simply didn’t make an original movie
    about Cruise as a badass protagonist, instead of casting him as a
    character who’s supposed to be an intimidating, giant physical presence."

    I imagine that the thinking on this one was that Lee Child/Jack Reacher come with their own pre-established fan base, making any movie based on Reacher a must-see. So the potential viewer base will be Cruise fans and Reacher fans, with a little crossover between the two, and enough altogether to make a hit film.

    Don't care. Still won't see.

  • tatertot

    Ahhhhhh....yes. "Studio Logic"! Where the studio wants the built in fan base, but not enough to avoid shitting all over them!

    Let's pick-up a series with a devoted following and a clearly drawn protagonist and cast an actor that has no resemblance at all to the protagonist! I'm sure that will go over well with the fans!

    It's like it never occurs to them that this built-in fan base will stay home in droves once it's made clear that the studio has no understanding or respect for the material.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    I hope they let Maggie Grace kick some ass here. Like, hardcore. If you're bringing that character back in the sequel, she needs to just fucking murder some dudes.

  • Ballymena Bob

    I haven't read the Jack Reacher books either but from what I've read in these comments the obvious choice for the role would have been Dwayne Johnson. I'd pay good money to see a good Dwayne Johnson movie. Someone put Dwayne Johnson in a good movie, for fuck's sake!

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Reacher's also, like, uber-white. And blond. It's less of an integral aspect of his character, but it's also not unimportant. You'd want more Alex Skarsgard on steroids.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Why does Scientology hate Jack Reacher?

    I mean apart from how it's only a matter of time before one of the books has him rolling up on Gold Base looking for a little work, but ends up murdering everybody while using Tom Cruise's corpse as a club.

    God, I would read the fuck out of that one.

  • Mrcreosote

    You know, if I'm Lian Neeson perhaps I consider staying in the U.S. You know, in Jaws 4 when they went to the Bahamas to get away from a shark?-that was stupid. But not as stupid as this ass going to Turkey. What, were they unable to make a reservation to North Korea? I'm hoping the sequal is a little more action film, and a little less divorced dad fantasy.

  • Groundloop

    I haven't read the Jack Reacher books, so I don't really have a dog in this hunt, but if I want to see a wee little puppet man kick ass, I'll just re-watch the "Smile Time" episode of "Angel".

  • Debbie Ford

    This one bothers me 'cause I happen to really like the Jack Reacher books. And his being 6'5" and 250 pounds is an essential part of the character's way of interacting with the world. So casting tiny Tom in the role is more than a bit off. With Cruise's recent Rock of Ages role in mind (or whatever the hell that awful looking movie was called), I keep picturing Iggy Pop trying to play a giant ex-Military Police/loner/vigilante type. Or, maybe put Tom up on a soapbox to deliver his lines (a la Month Python's Scott of the Antarctic scit), or dig a trench and make all the other actors climb down in it as Tom stands on level ground to tower above them.
    Sheesh. Way to wreck a good character forever.

  • MonkeyHateClean

    Debbie Ford said: "And his being 6'5" and 250 pounds is an essential part of the
    character's way of interacting with the world."

    And how the world interacts with him. Someone who's 5'7" 170lb person is not going to illicit the same reactions as someone who's 6'5" 250lbs.

    As Debbie mentioned Reacher's imposing physical size is very much a part of his character. Using someone who doesn't closely align with how Reacher was written changes the whole dynamic of who this character is. Can't buy Cruise in that role at all.

  • FLPardini

    I agree. In my dream world, Kevin Durand would have been the perfect Jack Reacher

  • Drake

    Jack Reacher looks just plain ridiculous. The shot of him taking on the group of men, like a rabid munchkin, made me laugh.

  • Roger

    "Rabid munchkin", heretofore shall be emblazoned on my mind whenever I watch TomThumb ruin another perfectly good story.

  • BierceAmbrose

    I would totally watch a double feature of "Taken" and "Summer Glau Kicks Everyone's Ass."

  • DeistBrawler

    5'7"...6'5"

    5'7"...6'5"

  • Put Liam Neeson up against an ancient martial arts master called Heihachi Mishima and whadya get?
    Takken.
    Well, I'm off.

  • Zeke_the_Pig, you're my hero.

  • Funnily enough that's not the response I got in my head. I got chased out of town for that one. The town in my head.

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