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This One Gets Zack Snyder an Island: '300: Rise of an Empire' Trailer

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trailers | January 21, 2014 |

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trailers | January 21, 2014 |

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned that testing the fire alarm can run enough of its battery out that it will start giving the battery low fuck you beep at three o’clock in the morning when you don’t have anymore 9V batteries left and the fucker is hardwired into the electrical system. Today I learned that ‘300: Rise of an Empire’ is only the second movie in the ‘300’ series. I honestly thought that 2011’s ‘Immortals’ was a sequel told from the other side of the war. I think the overarching pattern of my learning this week is that I’m an idiot.

Of course, the trade news is dichotomous this week. Sundance is going on so three-fourths of the news out there is just reviews of movies you won’t see for a year, or the movie geek version of fantasy football in which indie films get drafted by studios. The rest of the trade news is the crap that will only matter to the sorts who wouldn’t know what a film festival was if they lit it on fire.

But we’ve got a trailer! Don’t everyone get excited at once. Remember 300? This is the same thing except with boats and Eva Green dual-wielding swords because of which character class she picked at the load screen. Sorry, I love video games, and this pointless exercise in murdering CGI extras is going to be described as being crappy like a video game by a bunch of critics who’ve never actually played a video game, so I really shouldn’t contribute to their cancerous ignorance.

Here you go:

By Zeus, if you want to know if a new 300 film is coming out, just keep a close eye on the stock price of Johnson & Johnson, because the spike of baby oil sales quadruples their quarterly profits.

“Seize your glory!” Meh. That’s not even a poor man’s version of “tonight we dine in hell”, which was itself only a shadow of “in this life or the next, I will have my vengeance”, which of course was just trying to be “they may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom!” though that winding back through the years was but a twentieth generation bastardization of “We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; for he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother”.

So it goes.

We’ll bring it full circle then, and dismiss all these words - yes even those writ by the Bard - with a quote from a video game: “War. War never changes.”

Steven Lloyd Wilson is the sci-fi and history editor. You can email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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