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There Is Only One Word to Describe the 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Trailer

By Vivian Kane | Trailers | March 27, 2014 | Comments ()


No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

God damn it, no.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Amy Love

    OK, maybe I'm crazy, but I'm a little excited for the splodey splodey cheesy badness. The only part of the trailer that really made me cringe was the baseball metaphor.

  • What the hell is wrong with you people?
    It looks AWESOME!

  • Strand

    I know they're 'mutants' and all but good lord are they fuckin' ugly.


  • BlackRabbit

    Do Bebop and Rocksteady show up? No? Then I ain't interested.

  • Ryan Ambrose

    God is dead.

  • greg

    shut up

  • George


  • stardust

    I think I might actually cry. Michael Bay, you just hurt a pregnant woman's feelings. Go fuck yourself.

  • Mike Stevens

    This... just no. Their faces, man, what the fuck.

  • Nimue

    I just want Megan Fox to close her mouth. She's been taking acting lessons at the Bella Swan/Kristen Stewart academy.

  • Adam Borden

    My worry with this movie is not that it's bad, it's that it's going to be the next Transformers. Horrible for any fan of the source material, and subsequent iterations, but solid enough for a comercial audience vaguely familiar with the franchise. I think it looks good enough that it'll make a ton of money, there will be sequels, and Michael Bay will be handed even more franchises to destroy.

    That, and a designer needs to smack Michael Bay over the head with the KISS principle. WHY is everything he "re-designs" a horrible example of maximalism?

  • Dennis Albert Ramirez

    i'm a fan of the Fichtner, and i'll pretty much watch anything he is in.

    as for the trailer, it's fine. i like seeing people's interpretations of other properties, regardless of how well i think they turn out. i loved the original Turtles series as a kid, but nostalgia filter aside, let's be honest, that was cheesy as hell. this movie looks like it'll be like any other Bay-produced movie (Battle: Los Angeles director is behind the chair). though of course, this will definitely be a rental, not a theater watch.

    i recently just got into the newer, on-going Turtles comic series, and i'd highly recommend it. it's a distillation of al the tv, film and comics incarnations of the Turtles, blending the sci-fi elements (i never really realized how many dimension hopping aliens there were) with eastern ideas of reincarnation and the like. it's kind of a reboot, and a bit darker. but not grim dark, but dark like mature, as there's a heavy emphasis on the meaning of family and revenge.

    i mean, make no mistake, it's still about 4 mutated turtles who inexplicably become ninjas and act like human teenagers and a crime organization in NYC composed of actual unironic ninjas, but they've got some pretty cool reasons for it all to make sense

  • thatsmrsnyder

    I mean, look.

    This is going to be dumb. Of course it is. It'll be the most Michael Bay-iest of Michael Bay movies, and it will make a bajillion dollars at the box office. But I refuse to be moved one way or the other.

    At this point, I see no benefit in getting worked up about a movie that is so clearly targeted to a different demographic than my own.

  • Wrestling Fan

    .....Fitchner is Shredder
    He and April O'Neals father created the Turtles
    The Turtles and Shredder are sworn enemies
    why would Shredder create his own enemies?

  • greg

    because they weren't originally his enemies and at some point something happens that cause them to rebel against their creator

  • Because we have to create conflict. You know who was suspiciously missing from the trailer: Splinter.

  • foolsage

    That's an excellent question, and I think you'll find... EXPLOSIONS! ADHD CAMERA CUTS! MORE EXPLOSIONS!

    Sorry, what was the question again?

  • I made it through Transformers and GI Joe, and even though I was much more of a Shellhead than anything (I even liked Turtles in Time), how bad could this be?

    /watches trailer

    /rocks back and forth, chanting "Cowabunga dudes" through the tears.

  • TenaciousJP

    I can only hope you mean "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III" and not the real "Turtles in Time", because Turtles in Time was DOPE.

    Bury My Shell at Wounded Knee! Prehistoric Turtlesaurus! Some of my favorite SNES memories are from speed runs of Turtles in Time.

  • Oh yes, I meant the movie one. I would hang up my purple eye mask if I ever spoke ill of the greatest cartoon-based beat'em up OF ALL TIME.

    That's right, X-Men and Simpsons cabinet fans. BRING IT.

    EDIT: I tried so many times to master the secret ninja technique of Throw Foot Soldier Into Fourth Wall. I admit, I did not succeed.


  • VonnegutSlut

    So, I think the real question here is: Fitchner is going to totally end up being the villain since he was narrating that trailer, right?

    Now, I have to go dial 9-1-1 because THAT was the first question that came to my mind when I saw THAT trailer & I smell burnt toast so therefore must be having a stroke.

  • William Fichtner as "The Shredder/Oroku Sakai"

  • According to io9.com, he is...Shredder.

  • TK

    This is actually happening in the really real world that I live in?

  • A. Smith

    So that Out of the Shadows game was more of a precursor to this than I thought.

  • Davis

    It looks good stop being over sensitive geeks

  • pcloadletter

    Yeah I've been primed to hate this thing since everything I'd heard or seen about it up until now was not promising. This looks... okay?

  • Davis

    plus it's the ninja turtles it isn't hamlet. The studios have got to make sure the kids of the today are into it, so they've got to make it modern. If they're sat around eating pizza and cowerbungering people will call it lame.

  • kdm

    I tried to give it the benefit of the doubt. The yellow jacket on Slutty O'Neil was a nice touch, and the glimpses of the turtles from afar and in shadow made me think it might not be the WORST. (Obviously, it was going to be terrible, there was never a doubt).

    But then. The awful, CGI thing with lips. WHAT WAS THAT?

  • I think there's a pornstar called Slutty O'Neil

  • Actually there IS a porn star named April O'Neil, and yes, she named herself after the character. Weirdly enough, not a redhead, real or fake. Although she has cosplayed as her a couple of times.

    And now I realize I may have said too much....

  • Melina

    That was Megan Fox.

  • Classic


  • This is the wrongest. Michael Bay does not understand Ninja Turtles.

  • greg

    you don't understand ninja turtles

  • Your mom doesn't understand Ninja Turtles.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    I think this looks bad and won't see it. That being said, I really don't understand how people can be upset about it looking this bad. It's about big, anthropomorphic turtles that are also ninjas. Its source material is pretty fucking dumb and this is coming from someone who had a childhood obsession over it.

  • Alex0001

    Well if he's solely basing it on the cartoon then maybe but if you consider the comics it's far from being dumb.

  • bleujayone

    I was wondering what one had to do to become Satan's eternal concubine. Now thanks to Michael Bay, especially if this movie is a hit in the box office, I no longer have to.

  • BLA

    So, in Michael Bay's mind, the following scenario is believable: NYC is being threatened by SOMETHING UNSEEN and we need heroes. The obvious solution is to engineer anthropomorphized…turtles. Who possess a maturity and world-experience equal to that of teenagers. And are ninjas, because otherwise how could they be heros?

    This is why we can't have nice things.

  • Repo

    Thank you for the insightful analysis, I can see why you were brought on staff.

    Also, Fichtner rules and have any of you ever seen a TMNT cartoon or movie before? This is pretty much who they are. Lame on top of goofy with bad puns all day. This was never going to be The Dark Knight.

  • George

    Agreed. This is exactly what I was expecting and I'm surprised that people were expecting something better.

  • southworth

    I'm not a fan of the "realistic" character designs, but I think we're all looking at the previous live action movies through childhood-colored glasses.


  • See, to me, the old movies were cheesy and knew they were cheesy. I knew it was cheesy at five years old, when I watched the first one. The Turtles were appealing and the whole affair was a lot of fun. This Bay turd looks cheesy as hell, but thinks it's badass. The Turtles make me want to avert my eyes. This franchise did not need a gritty reboot, it is practically grit-proof. Anthropomorphic teenaged pizza-loving reptiles with ninjutsu training will never be anything but cheese. Delicious, gooey cheese.

  • Davis

    Look at the actual comic books this is what they were like not the goofballs like in the cartoon.

  • southworth

    Also: when I was 10 that movie was fucking BAD ASS. Raphael swore! Then he almost died and when the Foot kicked his ass.

    Times change, man. Nostrils. Human lips. Roll with it.

  • Nah, I think I'll just watch something made by someone with talent and artistic vision.

  • Repo

    LOL. Such a shame the ninja turtles weren't coveted by the Scorsese's of the world, right?

  • All I see is Turtles smoking cigars. I just think the whole property should have been left alone as something unalterably rooted in the weirdness of late 80s/early 90s notalgia. What next, gritty Care Bears with half-CGI grizzlies?

  • kdm

    Don't give them ideas!

    Although, that whole "evil spirit taking over Nicholas" thing was pretty terrifying for a kid.

  • As a kid? I've seen it fairly recently, and that shit is even more terrifying.

  • southworth

    The turtles were originally conceived to be dark and gritty. Yes, the concept of mutant turtles was goofy, but the original comics were pretty ding dang violent. Then the cartoon came along and sanitized everything.

    If you're upset about this incarnation, I suggest watching the animated movie "Turtles Forever." There's a TMNT out there for everyone.


  • Actually, the Turtles were grim 'n' gritty as a PARODY of the trend at the time (most directly, of Frank Miller's run on Daredevil). So even with that, it wasn't supposed to be serious.

  • cruzzercruz

    I wish it were an actual adaptation of the comics. Without the goddamn nostrils and lips. It looks like someone mutated them halfway.

    I imagine them being found underground in a pool of ooze moaning "P..please.... help... me..."

  • Valhallaback Girl

    Way to shit on a half shell, Bay.

  • LL

    Couldn't they have made the turtles more palatable? The original turtles from the 90s looked better than that.

  • Buzzed Films

    My word was "ugh" Also acceptable "Why?" "Dear God Why" and "What the Fuck is Happening?"

  • Ian Fay

    Blech. I need a palate cleanser after that turd.


    There. That's better.

  • Melina

    The new cartoon iteration is really good, I watch it with my boys and they kind of rif on movies the adults have seen (for example there was a dead on spoof of Aliens). It's smart, it's funny and entertaining. They should've stuck with a big screen version of that rather than...whatever that was that I just watched. Excuse me, I'm going to tear out my eyes Oedipus Rex style.

  • MarTeaNi

    I was amazed at how dead on they were for that episode. And yet, still more creeped out by Ice Cream Kitty's initial transformation.

  • Melina

    seriously, Ice Cream Kitty can't be unthought about, I've tried.

  • Bob Genghis Khan

    My immediate reaction:

  • logan

    Aww c'mon the end was kinda cute.

  • Steve

    When the VO came in, I was hoping it was Liam Neeson. Not quite.

  • pcloadletter

    Ain't nothin' wrong with a little Fichtner.

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