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The Trailer For Division III: Football's Finest Is Merely An Excuse For Me To Tell My Andy Dick Story

By TK | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (24)

division_iii_footballs_finest_xlg.jpg

Despite the reckless, wild, lavish lifestyle of a movie blogger (HA!), I’ve had few brushes with fame. I once sat next to Kid from Kid’N’Play at a bar. I met Oscar Robertson at a wedding. My wife took care of Joe Pantaliano’s dog at her hospital. I shook Tom Araya’s hand at an airport. That’s been about the extent of it. Except for one shining moment…

About 12 or so years ago, two of my good friends and I took a trip out west to see Las Vegas and Los Angeles. It was a debauched, booze-fueled shit show of a journey that to this day is the source of some of our finest stories. One night, we were standing around outside a bar somewhere in L.A., with a crowd of people wandering about. Being taller than most of the people there, I caught sight of a familiar, somewhat-famous face: Andy Dick. He was a walking trainwreck, bedraggled and clearly intoxicated (though I was no one to judge at that moment), and he was careening through the crowd with another man close on his heels, yelling his name. He crashed into me, his head into my chest, wrapped his arms around me and bellowed, “YOU! See, I’ve got this guy! This guy! I’ve got you!”

“Fuck yeah you do,” I drunkenly exclaimed.

He spun me around and promptly used me as a human shield, shoving me into his hapless pursuer. The guy, whoever he was, backed off and wandered away. Mr. Dick hugged me again, mumbled, “you’re the guy! YOU’RE the guy!” and disappeared in a blurry lurch into the crowd.

It was pretty much my only significant brush with fame. It was also kind of awesome. I was a big “News Radio” fan, and so I found the entire encounter to be fabulously amusing.

Andy Dick hasn’t really come far since then, but that’s the best thing I could think of to write after watching the trailer for Division III: Football’s Finest. It looks like absolute shit, but I figured if you’re gonna watch it, at least you should get a good story out of it.

Here’s the goddamn trailer:









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Comments

Looks hilarious to me.

Posted by: Gavin S. at December 7, 2011 10:37 AM

I'm just impressed by how much Andy Dick looks like an anorexic George C. Scott in the header photo.

Posted by: Pooter at December 7, 2011 10:46 AM

I propose a new Pajiba feature: Stories with TK in which each day we gather round and he tells us a new story from the west coast trip. I'll make the cocoa.

Posted by: PaddyDog at December 7, 2011 10:50 AM

This was the winner of the comedy contest associated with It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia on MySpace quite a while back.

Posted by: HappyGobo at December 7, 2011 10:54 AM

From the poster, I thought it looked kinda like crazy Donald Sutherland gone off his meds again.

Posted by: bleujayone at December 7, 2011 10:56 AM

Well in the brushes with celebrity genre...

I once was in a Jason's Deli when a long black limo pulls up, an entourage gets out, and in walks...Dennis Rodman. This was in the middle of his suspension for kicking that cameraman in the crotch. Most surreal experience of my life so far.

Posted by: NateS1973 at December 7, 2011 11:07 AM

'I shook Tom Araya’s hand at an airport.'

------

Dude, that's fucking awesome.

For my part, I've:

- Yelled, 'Look, it's that FUCKING WANKER!' at the drummer from Razorlight. There was a road between us.

- Had a chance meeting and tea with Tony Benn at a roadside cafe. He said I'd go far. Clearly even the greats get things wrong.

- Did push-ups behind the main dude from Green Wing while he was trying to film something.

- Said: 'Alright, Steve. I'm a big fan,' to Stephen Merchant. He replied with a fairly sincere: 'Cheers.'

- Had a surreal encounter with David Gest in a branch of PC World. He was looking for, 'some copy paper.' I couldn't help him. I don't work in PC World.

- Two weeks after the above, David Gest was at a bar that I was also at. He asked if the seat next to my group was free. I said it was. He left and didn't come back. Furthermore, in response to a text from my friend to his mum about this, his mum responded: 'He was probably worried about the candles. Because his face might melt.'

- Shared a gym with Billie Piper. She once asked me if, 'this [was] the gym?' I said yes. I meant it.

All 100% true.

Posted by: zeke the pig at December 7, 2011 11:21 AM

I'm glad Adam Carolla found work and isn't just some self-entitled monster.

Posted by: anikitty at December 7, 2011 11:29 AM

I met Tom Noonan once. I was standing outside of a convention hall, but not the convention I was attending, when I still smoked and there was a tall, lanky, bald guy heading my way from the parking lot. I said to my friend Jordan, "I think that's Tom Noonan," and he agreed. As the man walked past, it was obvious he was Tom Noonan so I blurted out, "Hey, Tom Noonan!"

He looked at me, then my friend, then walked over a little apprehensively, in his own Tom Noonanian way and asked, "Do I know you?" To which I replied, "No, just saying' hey..."

He looked at us again, analyzing whether we were assholes or super fans, probably decided we were both (at best), and finally said, "Hey..." and continued on his loping way into the convention center.

Point being, Tom Noonan is exactly what you expect him to be. Oh, and Danny Trejo is much, much shorter.

Posted by: RobP at December 7, 2011 11:31 AM

I once met Stan Atkinson on an escalator in Macy's. He was just as orange in person as on TV. Stan's a well-known Sacramento anchor . . . oh, never mind.

Posted by: NeoCleo at December 7, 2011 12:14 PM

I was at the Longhorn saloon during thir biker festival in Bandera TX a few years back and Paul Reuben walks in dressed as Pee-wee. He does his Pee-wee schtick for a bit then jumps on the ba, puts on platform, and does the tequila dance.

Posted by: Roland at December 7, 2011 12:34 PM

Alison Haislip?
In a movie?
Have i been in a coma?

Posted by: Scott at December 7, 2011 12:51 PM

Gave RuPaul a hug when I worked in a diner in New York. He laughed when I said he made a better looking woman than I did.

Got yelled at by BD Wong when I handed him a menu in the same diner and joked that "we see you here so often!" The manager told me to ignore him.

Shopped for cucumbers with Willem Dafoe.

Shared a cigarette and a talk about Shawshank Redemption with Tim Robbins.

Shook Michael Strahan's hand at a club.

Gave a head nod at a crosswalk to Steve Harvey.

Got an eyeroll from Chris Rock when I asked to shake his hand.

Got a breathy "aren't you a sweetheart!" from Cameron Diaz when I said I was a fan of hers.

Gave a museum tour to Denis Leary, who smoked before and after and let me hold his baby.

Got a bear hug from Tim Gunn at an Aids walk where he said "I'm only catty if you're a designer!"

Had a half hour conversation with Colin Quinn on the R train in NYC and realized only after that he was hitting on me.

Met Bill Burr, Jim Gaffigan, Louis CK, Pablo Francisco, and too many comedians to count.

Was in a crowd scene with Keira Knightley's skeleton.

Walked past Parker Posey in the East Village.

Made the thief from Dumb and Dumber laugh when I leaned over on the subway and whispered "You want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?"

The moral of the story is live in New York City for awhile. You'll run into EVERYONE.

Posted by: scorzi at December 7, 2011 1:11 PM

i was wondering if anyone would bring that up, anikitty.

i am so jealous of his success! i must tear him down!

Posted by: shakedown ratio at December 7, 2011 1:21 PM

I saw Harrison Ford at the Gracious Home store on the Upper East Side, c. 1994.

Posted by: MM at December 7, 2011 2:11 PM

I played softball with MC Hammer in the 90's.

True story.

Posted by: TWoPFan at December 7, 2011 3:19 PM

Ooooo! This is a fun game. Okay:
- Exchanged spoken word poetry with Sean Penn in a bar.
- Ran into Julian Schnabel wherein he said, "My, you are tall." (I'm not that tall.)
- Brought Michael Keaton coffee which incited a wink in return.
- Got into a really manic conversation with Tom Arnold
- Tried to flirt (and totally failed) with Sam Rockwell
- Jon Ham told me he liked my dress
- Overwhelmingly intimidated by Anjelica Houston
- Mesmerized by Tilda Swinton and her boy toy
- Told that aliens had kidnapped her and that she didn't trust me by Maria Bello
- Did cocaine with Peter Berg
- Had Rick (mutherfucking) James offer me a bump of cocaine outside a club (circa 1999)
- Shook Denzel Washington's hand
- Watched Bob Costas drink a scotch at the bar
- Had Robert Downey Jr. ask me if I fell for the fake creamer they put in coffee, and I responded that I didn't fall for the fake sugar either. (context: We were at Coffee Bean)
- Watched Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher with kids eating at the table next to me in happier times
- Burned a mixed CD for David Duchoveny
- Burned a mixed CD for the lead singer of Eagles of Death Metal who then in turn gave it to Josh Homme, the lead singer of Queens of the Stone Age who then did a cover of one of the songs I burned (it wasn't available in the U.S., so I know he got it from me. I was so excited.)
- Got Kim Kardashian a coffee
- Stephen Dorf pointed to me and said, "Hey, thanks for coming." In passing. Still confusing.
- Became infuriated by Brett Ratner's posse of 21-year old bottled blond run-down slut-girls that were blocking my way because they were almost too drunk to stand at 8pm.
- Marveled at what a douche bag Taylor Kitsch was being
- Chuck Palahniuk sent me a box of stuff with a necklace inside that had "TO[MYNAME]" "FROMCHUCKYP" spelled out in beads. (This one is by far my favorite).
Granted, I live in Los Angeles, so this gives me an advantage...

Posted by: OnBorrowedThyme at December 7, 2011 3:28 PM

Shit. Okay, forgot a few:
- Traded snarky comments with Gary Shandling (who I still love)
- Asked Louis C.K. if he writes everyday in a coffee shop in Venice Beach. To which he responded "Yes." And then I couldn't think of anything else to say except for "Thanks" freaked out and left.
- Had dinner with Rod Stewart and his, like, 27-year old girlfriend.
- Gave a cigarette to Anna Ferris
- Gave a cigarette lighter to a very frail looking Fiona Apple
- Had Kelsey Grammer explain to me that his only addiction now is coffee and he drinks 12 cups a day.
- Jackie Chan shoot my hand and just acted super sweet and cute.
- (OH MY GOD! How could I forget this one) Went to order a sand which at a convenience store in Downtown LA that had a Boar's Head Deli and said hello to the man behind the counter, and Ryan Gosling (shit you not!) turned around a took my order. Then he proceeded to make me a sandwich, poorly. He then gave me the most beautiful smile and said, "You're welcome." (Swoon!). I asked the owner later and he said, "Oh he just lives in the next building and I was complaining that I was short staffed so he offered to fill in."
- Passed Ryan Gosling in the hallway. They we both caught each other looking back. (Swoon!)
- Exchanged glances with Ryan Gosling at a coffee shop, after which he walked by my table as he left and said goodbye to me. (Fucking heartbreaking Swoon!) God dammit. I was so close.
- Heard Chloë Sevigny doing Cocaine in the bathroom stall of a club.
- Watched Owen Wilson buy books.
- Heard an awesome story about how Maggie Gyllenhaal used to talk about fucking her boyfriend the night before in graphic detail on the way to school with the boy she used to carpool with, which drove him crazy. (Second hand, but I love that story.)
- Drunkenly flirted with Johnny Galecki (Big Bang Theory) in a bar. Massive fail. He said I was sweet and sent me on my way.
- Took Dennis Quaid's hand and led him through a crowded club when I was 19 (circa 1999).
- Hung out with Vincent Kartheiser and did not talk about his new show (at the time) MadMen. (Then he subsequently had sex with my friend... seemingly in a cracked [literally] out stupor).
- Was told by Suge Knight that I had nice feet (I don't), and asked if I wanted to go to a club later. We were at a gas station.
- Was driving down the street on Halloween 2009 and Brendan Gleeson, who was in the car next to me, rolled down his window and invited me to a party. I went (of course, what a random story), and when I was there he nervously spoke to me then offered me a line of Cocaine. I said I was clean, and he replied, "Me too! I just do this once in awhile!" I left shortly thereafter.

I think that's all I got? Fuck, I hope that's all I got.

Posted by: OnBorrowedThyme at December 7, 2011 4:11 PM

Last ones:

- Had Zach Braff creepily look me up and down and then tell me he liked my boots (My boots at the time were only $19.95, I was very proud of those things. Also, Zach Braff is not awesome, btw).
- Told Seth Rogen that I loved him in Donnie Darko. I think he got it?
- Ate next to Vince Vaughn one booth over and heard him rant about his life, much the same way he rants in his comedic roles.
- Jamie Foxx started following my girlfriend around at a pool in Las Vegas (she, at the time, had a moderately well-endowed backside), repeating her name almost like a chant. It was strange... but hilarious. Also: we were drunk.
- Listened to Justin Long be very Justin Longy outside of a bar with his friends.
- Saw Chris Cornell, lead singer of Soundgarden, at a stop light in the car next to me. He turned to see who was weirdly staring at him, and I freaked out, looked forward and put on my sunglasses. At night.
- Got totally jealous over hearing a story of my best friend hanging out with Zach Galifianakis and my two other big teddy-bear guy friends with beards, until she made them all stand in a row for her amusement.
- Went on a few dates with Nicholas Brendan (Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and then watched as his life sort of unraveled (sad).
- Shared a cigarette with a captivating, down-to-earth, funny and beautiful Evan Rachel Wood.
- Tried to keep the attention of Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Failed. He left with Evan Rachel Wood.

Posted by: OnBorrowedThyme at December 7, 2011 4:54 PM

I know I'm taking over this thread but this has become a very amusing way to recount the last 12 years of my life:

- Ran into Justine Bateman outside my office building. Told her she looked amazing (she does!). (Circa two weeks ago)
- Passed Jerry Ferrara (Turtle from Entourage) in the garden where I have lunch.
- Got into an elevator with Dean Cameron (Chainsaw from Summer School).
- As an elevator door opened, I saw a very surprised looking Colin Farrell standing next to a pregnant woman. Then he covered his face with his arm like Dracula holding up his cape and rushed passed me into the parking garage. (Full disclosure, there is a high-end prenatal center in my building.) I read on a gossip blog two weeks later that he was having a baby with his model girlfriend.
- Saw a very pregnant Pink and Corey Hart pass in front of my office window.
- Saw a very pregnant Tory Spelling and Dean Mcdermott pass in front of my office window.
- Talked briefly over group drinks with a very sad Michael Varten who had just been broken up with by Jennifer Gardner.
- Asked Patrick Van Horn (Swingers) if he recognized me, because I totally recognized him and "I think we've met." He said, "Um, no." Then I realized I knew him from Swingers. Embarrassing. (Circa 2000)
- Was standing outside ordering a sandwich at a cafe when Brooke Hogan asked me how I got so thin and that she wished she looked like me. I said that it was because every time I stopped to eat, my boss would yell at me and I wouldn't have time to get one bite in, or I was just so stressed I would lose my appetite. I lied. It was the Cocaine.
- And for my final memory: I was walking outside of a club with a friend and a very wasted and disheveled looking Andy Dick walked by me drunkenly muttering to his very short and equally wasted friend. Maybe it was the same night you saw him TK?

Posted by: OnBorrowedThyme at December 7, 2011 5:31 PM

I met Obama. Yes, that Obama. He's awesome. I live in DC.

Posted by: Johnnyboy at December 7, 2011 8:20 PM

(pouts)

OnBorrowed Thyme can't play on this thread anymore.

Johnnyboy:

Did he smell good? He looks like he smells amazing.

Posted by: scorzi at December 8, 2011 10:33 AM

@TK re: "It looks like absolute shit..."

NO it looks totally hilarious, which seems to be the consensus since 95% of the ~35,000 views on Funny or Die rate it as "funny". I LOLed four times watching this trailer, and so did my two friends with me.

But you're way late, Funny or Die put this up a long time ago. I saw the actual movie while it was on a college tour last month, and this is the funniest movie I've seen since The Hangover (part 1, NOT part 2). Andy Dick actually attended and did a Q&A afterwards. He was sober, really funny, and really, really nice. I also was a big News Radio fan, but I think this movie is the best work he's ever done.

Anyway, may you only meant the video quality looked bad, in which case I might be able to put some stock in your judgement of trailers again. If so, there's the much better "looking" official trailer up on Apple's site:

http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/independent/divisioniiifootballsfinest/

Even though I've already seen it, I'm totally buying the Blu-ray when this comes out. I heard it's available on-demand now, but my provider doesn't get it unfortunately.

Posted by: Aaron Rooney at December 8, 2011 11:39 AM

scorzi, to be honest, I don't have a flipping clue as I was devoting my every god-given faculty to focusing on the formation of words as they were leaving my body, so as to ensure their correctness of pronunciation and to avoid the appearance of abject dumbassery.

Posted by: Johnnyboy at December 8, 2011 10:20 PM