OK, look. We show you some shit trailers around here. I understand that. We have to, you know? I mean, that’s what we do — we look at shitty stuff and we bitch about it. And man, have we seen some absolutely putrid, horrendously bad, ball-stabbingly awful garbage around these parts.
I say this without hyperbole: This trailer is worse than all the bad trailers you’ve seen this year combined. You will have one of two possible reactions: Either you’ll immediately begin drinking whatever household cleaning products you can find, and possibly pour boiling water into your eyes, or you’ll try to find my house and show up with pitchforks and torches. I wouldn’t even blame you. I’ll still kill anyone who comes near my house, you stalker freaks, but still — no blaming.
Jackie Chan — you have officially exhausted what minuscule iota of goodwill I may have once had for you. This cast listing is a murderers’ row of nauseating shitterific crapulence. A movie that stars George Lopez AND Billy Ray Cyrus? One of them is cruel. Two of them together is an abomination in the eyes of God, and will likely blow a hole in the planet, sending us careening off our axis and into the fucking sun. And after seeing this trailer, you’ll fucking beg for it. You must watch it. I command you. Not because it’s so-bad-it’s-good. It’s not. It’s soul-searingly painful. I just want someone to feel the pain that I felt.
I had to sit through this pile putrid of shit in the theater before Where The Wild Things Are.
Fuck you Jackie Chan. I once had respect for you. I thought you were amazing and I loved your movies. You are dead to me.
Posted by: commanderfunky at October 21, 2009 9:55 AM
cyrus,lopez and chan with a former supermodel together in a same movie it's tooo.....
Posted by: carrie at October 21, 2009 10:02 AM
I can't feel my legs.
Posted by: swanq at October 21, 2009 10:05 AM
This movie feels like it's 10 years old. Shit, more like 15 years. It reminded me of those godawful 3 ninjas movies. Didn't Mrs. Doubtfire cover almost all of this shtick?
And for the record, Human Centepede looks 1000 times more horrifying than this. This is just embarassing.
Posted by: annoyingmouse at October 21, 2009 10:11 AM
Ok, I'm a bit of a Jackie Chan apologist (I liked The Tuxedo and Around the World in 80 Days. So sue me) and I'm a bit of a George Lopez apologist too (Hey, it's not According to Jim, and it's kinda funny. It's a guilty pleasure along with Two and a Half Men.) but even I won't touch this.
Why is very simple: I never touch a film that has "cute kids wrecking havoc", Billy Ray Cyrus, Green Day, or suck in the trailer unless it can overcome those three obstacles.
(sees the scene with Jackie Chan dressing the kid using Kung Fu)
This being a rare occasion when I'm working from home, I was able to watch a movie trailer during the day.
I have a sudden, overpowering urge to rush back into the safe, streaming-content-free, confines of my office.
Posted by: Wednesday at October 21, 2009 10:22 AM
Starring Jackie Chan, Amber Valetta, Billy Ray Cyrus, and George Lopez.
That's like casting "what used to be a raging hard on of awesome", "what used to be subtle hotness", "the mole on my left testicle", and George Lopez**.
**Full Disclosure - The actual George Lopez being cast in this picture is purely coincidental. I have a festering anal boil which I named George Lopez in 1987. Who knew???
Posted by: PissBoy at October 21, 2009 10:31 AM
Yeah, my cynism levels were already through the roof, and now this! Seeing this trailer again in a theater, surrounded by an enthusiastic crowd... man... I can already feel the unquenchable need for sarcasm consume my soul for the rest of my life. Thank you very much, Pajiba!
Posted by: Sunsneezer at October 21, 2009 10:33 AM
I hate you, TK.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at October 21, 2009 10:46 AM
What, Robin Williams and John Travolta weren't available to throw into this too?
Oh, that's right, they weren't.
But anyway, see? It COULD have been worse.
Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at October 21, 2009 10:49 AM
I actually thought you were kidding with the Billy Ray Cyrus/George Lopez reference.
But dear God in Heaven and Hades in Hell, they're ALL in the same movie.
I actually feel for the kid actors. Their careers just started, and already, they're mained.
You can't come back from this. Unless you do porn.
Ah well, there's always Branson, Missouri.
I hate george lopez, billy ray cyrus, and children. uggggggh.
Posted by: gross at October 21, 2009 10:56 AM
Are there even words? I'll just agree with PB and Trace and move along.
And it's too fucking early for us left coasters for this shit. I need to make sure that I've at least had a venti before I try shit like that again, if ever. But in fairness, you did warn us.
Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at October 21, 2009 10:58 AM
I have a serious bone to pick with this trailer, and I see this done a lot, usually in bad movies and TV shows that assume anyone watching this is a moron (a good assumption for bad movies and TV shows, actually) ...
We see Jackie pouring oatmeal into a pan, and the camera cuts to a closeup of ... Jackie pouring all the oatmeal into a pan.
We see Jackie getting ready to reel in the little girl with something from the Popeil's Pocket Fisherman catalog, and the camera cuts to ... the Pocket Fisherman in Jackie's hand.
I resent movies/TV shows that feel they have to close-up everything or I won't be able to figure out on my own what just happened. Jackie could just as easily have poured all the oatmeal in the pan and reeled in the little girl without the cuts, and I'd get it! I'd still get it!
It seems to me like an intelligence-insulting thing, which of course it is, but it gives me some idea of what the directprs/editors think of their audience, and what they think is: Contempt. Contempt for the stupid (but thanks for your $8!).
"They won't understand what happened if we don't show them EVERYthing. Leave NOthing to the imagination."
I shouldn't go off on a piece of shit like this, it's aiming low and hitting lower, but it just seemed a good example of the type. You watch and you'll start to notice it everywhere too, and what it says to me is: We think you're a moron.
Fuck you, Lionsgate. Fuck you walking.
Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at October 21, 2009 10:59 AM
For a second, I thought his character's name was Bob Hope. That would have been the best thing going for this movie.
Posted by: jenilane at October 21, 2009 11:03 AM
I've never been more thankful that the school's internet isn't powerful enough for this trailer. A family comedy starring the least talented country singer ever and the second worst Latin comedian ever? They must try to make films that can kill us.
We were all wrong, this might very well be worse than Old Dogs. No whining Wednesday is officially canceled due to this occasion.
For a second, I thought his character's name was Bob Hope. That would have been the best thing going for this movie.
Me too, jenilane.
Posted by: MM at October 21, 2009 11:17 AM
Is this an terrorist recruiting film? Because I'm cheering not only for the world's oil supply to be compromised, I'm cheering for the destruction of all civilization at this point.
Posted by: mrcreosote at October 21, 2009 11:19 AM
Wasn't this movie already made? The Pacifier, anyone?
Posted by: Fredo at October 21, 2009 11:20 AM
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Posted by: gorden22 at October 21, 2009 11:23 AM
I'm sooo ashamed, I was caught off-guard by the kid feeding the pig bacon. I chuckled, but I swear it was because of the concept, not the delivery...I swear.
Posted by: Lunchbox20 at October 21, 2009 11:27 AM
Conrad will own this on Blu-Ray. I guarantee it.
Posted by: Skitz at October 21, 2009 11:42 AM
"This movie feels like it's 10 years old. Shit, more like 15 years. It reminded me of those godawful 3 ninjas movies. Didn't Mrs. Doubtfire cover almost all of this shtick?"
*Looks inward, recalls deep-seated love of "3 Ninjas" during formative years*
*Attempts to muster snappy retort*
*Realizes that movie was, in fact, quite shitty, despite personal devotion*
*Slinks back into the shadows of the internets to lurk once more*
Posted by: Cat at October 21, 2009 12:00 PM
Jackie Chan has this. Jet Li has The Expendables.
I guess we know who won the "Forbidden Kingdom Ruined My Rep" runoff.
Posted by: Vermillion at October 21, 2009 12:11 PM
I think the guy in the knife fight might have been hot.
Posted by: BigFish at October 21, 2009 12:18 PM
We#re way past the torches and pitchforks phase. No it's machine guns and chainsaws.
Posted by: FabMax at October 21, 2009 12:49 PM
Eh. I've seen worse.
Posted by: AM at October 21, 2009 1:21 PM
*sigh*
It's a nice day outside. Why did I click the link?
What's really sad is that the movie looks to pack some truly awesome old-school Chan, right up until we get to 0:24, when the tagline of death rears its ugly head. "Faces his toughest assignment yet".
Seriously, has that line ever signified good news is on the horizon? When has it not been employed to signify that a macho man is about to be paired with precocious, bratty children?
*heavy sigh* Why...
Posted by: alphawhiskey at October 21, 2009 1:31 PM
Jackie Chan had no childhood and speaks little english. He has no idea what is good/funny kid movie fodder. He is a victim. But
Billy
Ray
FUCKING
Cyrus?
Get a rope.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at October 21, 2009 2:24 PM
I'm with Lindsey on this, let's not going throwing stones at Jackie for this one. The man has literally nearly killed himself several times just to pull off crazy shit for our amusement. Shit like this, as unpleasant as it may seem, is probably his goddamn retirement, and he's earned it. So I'll just leave him alone, and continue to pretend that all movies he's been in ever since Rush Hour never existed.
Posted by: SJ at October 21, 2009 4:29 PM
January release, huh? Between this and da Rock's Tooth Fairy bullshit, I can see mass seppuku among the parents-of-five-year-olds-and-older crowd.
Five-year-old: I wanna see a movie!
Mommy: Sure, honey, let's see what's - sweetmotherofholyfreekinGodtopus!!!
long time lurker, first time commenter... while sober, anyway...
Funny thing about the Pacifier, the scriptwriters rewrote the film for Vin Diesel when their original pick, Jackie Chan, bowed out...
I'll mulligan this movie like any Chan film: as long as there's at least one extremely bizarre non-CGI stunt worth YouTubing. Like a kung-fu bullfight, or riding a satellite into re-entry, or something...
I swore never to watch anything Jackie Chan does post-Rush Hour 3, because he looked really old and past his prime and it just kills me to think of that amazing man as anything less than a goddam maelstrom of kickass who runs on walls like we regular mortals walk on solid ground and is more at home with a stepladder than we are with our own arms. So I'm glad my self-imposed Chan Ban coincides with his move into Steve Martin 2.0 territory.
Posted by: James at October 22, 2009 7:29 PM
Did anyone else hear Chan answer his phone in the beginning and say "this is butthole" ("Bob Ho") in Engrish English?
Who cares!!! My boyfriend also agrees with me. He is 10 years older than me, lol. We met online at age-gap club -- http://AgelessOnly.COM/. Maybe you wanna check out or tell your friends.
Who cares!!! My boyfriend also agrees with me. He is 10 years older than me, lol. We met online at age-gap club -- http://AgelessOnly.COM/. Maybe you wanna check out or tell your friends.
jackie chan running with a baby?
ain't no way i'm clicking that. you just wasted your time, my friend. fuck off with that bs.