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They Call Me... They Call Me... Stalker!

By TK | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (19)

the-resident-movie.jpg

What the hell, Hilary Swank? Didn’t you win an Oscar? Didn’t you win two Oscars? What are you doing here? Hell, what is anyone doing in this?

Here’s the trailer for The Resident, which plays like a Lifetime movie with a bigger budget. Yep, another movie designed to scare the shit out of white women, and play up the victim angle. It’s brutally manipulative and painfully dumb looking. Hilary Swank moves into a new apartment, and her shit gets stalked. Is it Jeffrey Dean Morgan (you, sir, are better than this)? Is it Christopher Lee? Is it gremlins? All this is because you are pretty, white, single, and you didn’t change the motherfucking locks when you moved in.

Sheesh. Women, right? So silly.

Watch and rue:

(authenticity note: that opening is horseshit. Most, if not all, landlords change the locks when apartments are vacated)

I guess Christopher Lee needed something to do now that he’s done with his metal opera concept album about Charlemagne.

No, seriously.

No, seriously:


(fun fact: Did you know that Lee, in addition to being a knight, is actually a direct descendant of Charlemagne?)

The Resident is coming straight to DVD (shocker) in March.

(source: The Playlist)









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Comments

What the hell, Hilary Swank? Didn’t you win an Oscar? Didn’t you win two Oscars? What are you doing here?

You must not have seen The Reaping. She makes odd choices to say the least.

Posted by: TylerDFC at January 7, 2011 9:09 AM

All women living alone will be raped, killed, raped then killed, maybe even killed then raped. Live in fear. Thanks, Hollywood.

Posted by: sars at January 7, 2011 9:12 AM

Jeffery Dean Morgen may be the poor man's Javier Bardem, but dude man was in The Accidental Husband. It's clear he's not above making terrible, god-awful, misguided life choices.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 7, 2011 9:16 AM

I propose that the powers that be meld these two atrocities to create the greatest metal musical about the stalking Charlemagne in his new castle by The Comedian.

Posted by: admin at January 7, 2011 9:51 AM

Seriously?! SERIOUSLY?! Enough women don't live in enough fear as it is?! You have to pull this crap?! "VERY FEW OF THEM DON'T CHANGE THEIR LOCKS"?! Jesus Christ. What is wrong with you people (I mean Hollywood, in this case)?!

Posted by: tamatha at January 7, 2011 9:54 AM

"Millions of single women rent apartments each year".

As opposed to what? Fortify themselves within a scrap metal enclosure defended by ballistae and rudimentary flameworthers in the middle of Central Park? Should they recycle used high school football pads and packing materials to arm themselves against vagrant, roving packs of assless-chap clad, sweaty, puffed-up men-a-rapin'?

Maybe then Hillary Swank could rise up and lead the beleaguered denizens of said besieged enclosure, and lead them to a better land.

She could be..The BRoad Warrior...

Posted by: D-Day at January 7, 2011 9:56 AM

I propose that the powers that be meld these two atrocities to create the greatest metal musical about the stalking Charlemagne in his new castle by The Comedian.

Posted by: admin at January 7, 2011 9:51 AM

----------------

This has to happen. Directed by Werner Herzog, with a special appearance by Javier Bardem as The Comedian's long-lost, sorta-maybe-twin brother - The Prop Comedian. Sibling rivalry and much melon smashing ensues. And, bizarrely, some sexual tension too.

I've got my ticket.

Posted by: zeke the pig at January 7, 2011 10:05 AM

Why doesn't she just shoot any intruders with her gun?!

It's my understanding that all Americans have guns, why doesn't she just use her gun?!

Posted by: Murderbot at January 7, 2011 10:06 AM

Should they recycle used high school football pads and packing materials to arm themselves against vagrant, roving packs of assless-chap clad, sweaty, puffed-up men-a-rapin'?

If they're wearing assless chaps, they're probably not looking to rape WOMEN. Did you change YOUR locks when you moved in?

Posted by: psy at January 7, 2011 10:32 AM

Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband, too, cuz they rapin' errrbody up in this movie.

Posted by: Kballs at January 7, 2011 10:42 AM

Let's be honest about Swank. She won her first Oscar because that was a riveting storyline and anyone would have won for being in the lead (plus the whole "how brave of her to look butch" angle). She won her second Oscar because Hollywood loves nothing more than they love a cripple.

When she actually turns in a good performance without the crutch of an Oscar shoo-in, I'll agree that she's better than this.

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 7, 2011 10:48 AM

I was sorely disappointed by that Christopher Lee metal album. It had the potential to be completely crazy-awesome, but instead turned out to be an under-produced widdle-fest. Still there's always Lee's narration on that Rhapsody Of Fire album...

Posted by: Dill The Devil at January 7, 2011 11:11 AM

fun fact: Did you know that Lee, in addition to being a knight, is actually a direct descendant of Charlemagne?

Ummm....did you know we are ALL descended from Charlemagne?

There's some maths on it here:
http://www.gly.uga.edu/railsback/GenealComp1.html

Posted by: Simon at January 7, 2011 11:19 AM

Sheesh, all they had to do was get an 18 year old kid to play the stalker and rub body glitter all over him. Then it would have been horribly romantic, see?

Posted by: linny at January 7, 2011 12:48 PM

Oh, and I'm callin' it right now: Morgan and Lee are totally in cahoots. Cahoots, I say!

Posted by: linny at January 7, 2011 12:58 PM

Is it Jeffrey Dean Morgan

I thought that was Joshua Jackson rocking a fierce beard.

But even Pacey shouldn't be in a movie like this.

Posted by: duckandcover at January 7, 2011 8:40 PM

I thought that was Joshua Jackson rocking a fierce beard.

Posted by: duckandcover at January 7, 2011 8:40 PM

I know, right? I was POSITIVE that was our little Canuck Pacey JJ.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at January 7, 2011 8:49 PM

I agree with TylerDFC, you only have to watch every movie she made in between oscars.

Posted by: james at January 9, 2011 7:44 PM

Is TK on Facebook? Because he's made the only Urge Overkill reference I've heard in YEARS, from one of their best songs, and now, I wanna have his e-babies.

Posted by: AmbroseKalifornia at January 10, 2011 2:15 PM