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The Movie Movie F**kholes Tackle Twilight. Here's Your Morning Punishment

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (27)

vampire_sucks.jpg

Have you assholes been naughty? Very, very naughty? You need a nice slap on the ass? A spanking? Someone to pull your hair? Oh, you like that, do you? You want another slap on the ass? Harder? Yeah. You feel that sting? That big hand print on your ass? You want more? Harder? Harder? More? More?

Fuck you. Here’s the Vampire Sucks trailer. Taste the pain.



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Comments

God help me, I laughed when that Team Edward chick caught the shovel to the face.

Posted by: JenVegas at July 8, 2010 10:35 AM

(PB's brain bubbles to the top of his skull)

Eep mee bop splort chubble fizz wuzz hisss....

Posted by: PissBoy at July 8, 2010 10:39 AM

I too must confess that I laughed at the Black Eyed Peas gag and the shovel to the face.

Posted by: peanut at July 8, 2010 10:40 AM

Urge to kill...rising...

Posted by: Arran at July 8, 2010 10:43 AM

Mr. Trick from Buffy called and said that if you're going to directly steal his 'order out and then eat the delivery boy' vampire move you should at least give him credit.

Posted by: ponch at July 8, 2010 10:45 AM

I hate almost everything about this, but the shovel gag was top notch. And for that, I hate myself.

Posted by: myjetski at July 8, 2010 10:48 AM

*horf*

Oh, KEN JEONG. I am SO DISAPPOINTED in you.

Really? Gay jokes? Again? *yawn*

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at July 8, 2010 11:06 AM

Can't go wrong by whacking dumb chicks in the face with a shovel.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at July 8, 2010 11:06 AM

Why wasn't there a safe word? *sobs*

Posted by: Kayanne at July 8, 2010 11:10 AM

Rumor has it, there's a whole cult in Bayonne dedicated to the "gospel" of this and Transylmania.

Posted by: DoctorControversy at July 8, 2010 11:16 AM

Oh boy. I knew it was only a matter of time. I'm going to keep my pride and stay far, far away.

Posted by: grace b at July 8, 2010 11:19 AM

Also, two things I hate about the trailers to these douchetastical films:

A.) They always try to lump in as many films as possible, tenuously connecting them with shitty gags. I mean goddamnit it's not bad enough you're picking one property to lampoon lame enough to title your film "Gimpy: The Musical", but you have to throw in mini parodies of other films with no business being in there? Really?

B.) The fucking "From the Guys Who Couldn't Sit Through Another [Flavor of the Week] Movie" line is getting old. I'll pay a $20 million budget* to any filmmaker who'll start their trailer off with "From the Producer who Couldn't Sit Through Another Seltzer/Friedman Abortion".

*$20 million will be paid, provided I am somehow awarded with $20 million for this idea. If not...you'll probably get $3 and the last Coke from my fridge. And let me tell you, that Coke has more worth & intelligence than these two fuckwits combined.

Posted by: DoctorControversy at July 8, 2010 11:20 AM

"Now, show us on this doll where Pajiba touched you, jM."

[points wildly at everything... then at grandma... then at the dog]

Posted by: jM at July 8, 2010 11:22 AM

I'm confused as to the MPAA approval at the very beginning of the trailer. Who, exactly, is the "appropriate audience"? Is it the pestilent mongoloids who writhe around in the filth left over from a Japanese bukkake/poop fetish porn video shoot? Because that's what I'm going with.

Posted by: admin at July 8, 2010 11:25 AM

my must-see movie this summer with Inception!

Posted by: caro at July 8, 2010 11:42 AM

I feel nothing. Nothing, you hear?
NOTHING!

Posted by: Jim Doggie at July 8, 2010 11:52 AM

From: Dracula
To: Twilight Fans.
Subject: Worship me.
Message: Dear Twilight fans. Remember me? I am Count Dracula of Translyvania. I am the true vampire here. I am pure of darkness and of course blood which I love to suck. That being said, who the bloody ell are these pubescent pip squeeks that you now choose to worship over me? Vampires and werewolves are not friends or at best frenemies. We vampires are the masters, and werewolves are lackeys and servants. We vampires do not friend and fall in love, we take and we conquer and make new. Van Helsing and I, as much as we hate each other, think that going toe to toe with you measly lot is what will end the subjugation of the masses by brain-dead sparkly gay people. You have now been given an order. I expect you to comply. Also, the count from the movie Translymania called, said something along the lines of "EFF OFF, WE'RE THE VAMPIRE MOCKERY MOVIE, NOT YOU!"

Thank you. Yours sincerely and most hungrily, Count Vlad Dracul Dracula.

Posted by: LordNinja at July 8, 2010 12:16 PM

gross.

Posted by: jesstastic! at July 8, 2010 12:19 PM

I actually thought that trailer was hilarious...and I hate comedies.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at July 8, 2010 3:05 PM

i'm sorry, i missed most of that trailer. i was busy picking my nose.

Posted by: gp at July 8, 2010 4:25 PM

i'm sorry, i missed most of that trailer. i was busy picking GP's nose.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at July 8, 2010 4:28 PM

I see Ken Jeong has been taking career advice from Eugene "Never Read a Script Paycheck I Didn't Like" Levy.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at July 8, 2010 7:14 PM

More evidence that an entire generation of would-be satirists never read Mark Twain's "Unburlesqueable Things."

/bullhorn
Is this thing on? /bonk, /bonk, /bonk. Testing. Testing. Ahem ...

You can't burlesque something so ridiculous there's no room left to exaggerate!(!)

/end bullhorn

What do they teach in schools these days? (And you damn kids get the hell off of my lawn.)

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at July 8, 2010 9:24 PM

Sharin' the pain, Rowles?

Posted by: Uriah Creep at July 9, 2010 12:29 AM

Hopefully they take the time in post-production to shoehorn in Lindsay Lohan crying and LeBron James making The Decision...b/c these Movie Movie guys are really ace when it comes to Topical Humor.

Posted by: stryker1121 at July 10, 2010 2:06 AM

Oh sweet holy Jesus was that bad. I'm having trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that some editor watched the entire goddamn movie and deemed these turd dropping to be the funniest gags it had to offer. This shouldn't be exhibited in theaters, it should be buried deep in the Yucca Mountain nuclear waste repository.

Posted by: Irving Washington at July 10, 2010 5:43 AM

From: Dracula
To: Twilight Fans.
Subject: Worship me.
Message: Dear Twilight fans. Remember me? I am Count Dracula of Translyvania. I am the true vampire here. I am pure of darkness and of course blood which I love to suck. That being said, who the bloody ell are these pubescent pip squeeks that you now choose to worship over me? Vampires and werewolves are not friends or at best frenemies. We vampires are the masters, and werewolves are lackeys and servants. We vampires do not friend and fall in love, we take and we conquer and make new. Van Helsing and I, as much as we hate each other, think that going toe to toe with you measly lot is what will end the subjugation of the masses by brain-dead sparkly gay people. You have now been given an order. I expect you to comply. Also, the count from the movie Translymania called, said something along the lines of "EFF OFF, WE'RE THE VAMPIRE MOCKERY MOVIE, NOT YOU!"

Thank you. Yours sincerely and most hungrily, Count Vlad Dracul Dracula.

Posted by: LordNinja at July 8, 2010 12:16 PM
hey Lord ninja i share birthdays with Vlad Dracul Dracula

Posted by: Utah Dynamo at July 10, 2010 11:49 PM