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The ‘Hitman: Agent 47’ Trailer is Here Because We’re Apparently Now Rebooting Video Game Adaptations

By Brian Byrd | Trailers | February 11, 2015 |

By Brian Byrd | Trailers | February 11, 2015 |

Poor Rupert Friend. After years of toiling in obscurity and being mistaken for Stuart Townsend, the 33-year-old English actor finally broke through with American audiences thanks to his badass yet unfailingly human portrayal of CIA assassin Peter Quinn on Homeland. It’s clear to anyone who watches Showtime’s spy/ginger baby series that Friend has future in action films. Unfortunately, his first chance at big screen stardom comes as the lead in a reboot of a video game adaptation called Hitman: Agent 47.

Really? We’re not done with these yet, Hollywood? If the original 2007 Hitman couldn’t drum up more than $24 million in domestic grosses despite starring a frequently shirtless Timothy Olyphant, maybe this property just isn’t meant to become a franchise. The remake has Friend’s Agent character teaming with Hot Girl™ to prevent an Evil Corporation™ from creating genetically engineered super soldiers of their own. Note: Evil Corporation™ is a “their” not an “its” because, as we all know, Evil Corporations™ are people, too. Don’t argue, it’s science.

Since this movie exists, let’s see if the crew behind the reboot learned any lessons from the Olyphant disaster.

Doesn’t seem like it. We begin with Veep’s Roger Furlong placing a genetically modified super assassin in the same room with a loaded rifle. It’s not until Furlong hears “Voodoo Child” blasting through the speakers that knows he screwed up.
Spock (the new one, not the Funk Doctor or Leonard Nimoy) shows up later as Captain Exposition Dump, explaining to the girl from Boss in the most clichéd way possible — “he’s stronger, faster, more intelligent than other people” — that she’s in danger because her father is the founder of the Agent program.

Then, obviously, some Call of Duty redshirts get sucked into a jet engine, thrown onto moving trains, and chopped up with spinning helicopter blades because CGI.
There’s also the obligatory “woman swimming topless in a very expensive pool” scene because bare breasts is apparently standard swimwear for the obscenely wealthy. Perhaps it eliminates drag or something. I don’t know, I’m not a dolphin.
Hitman: Agent 47 stars Friend, Zachary Quinto, Hannah Ware and Ciaran Hinds, and arrives in theaters on August 28th. Take the 10 bucks you weren’t going to spend on this movie, buy a Showtime subscription, and binge-watch Homeland instead.

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