The Good, The Bad, And The WTF, Seriously?! (Trailers For Intruders, Dark Tide, And Pizza Man)
Some movie trailers obviously deserve their own post — the bigger and blockbustier the better. Some trailers do not, but get them anyway because there’s something about them we want to highlight for celebration or derision. The below pieces of marketing are not among them either, though they are also decidedly not equal; even when compared amongst one another. They’re all movies that have, so far, flown pretty far under the radar, and for the most part there is no mystery as to why this is the case. But one might actually be fairly decent, so, let’s start there and not waste anymore time, shall we?
Intruders is Juan Carlos Fresnadillo’s second English language film after the also fairly decent 28 Weeks Later, which may have been better than its predecessor, 28 Days Later. Horror is still at play in Fresnadillo’s new flick, but it’s sci-fi and more supernatural now, with two children from different countries (England and Spain) being terrorized by some faceless being, who, if I were to put my Shyamalan Hat on — it’s a derby, if you’re wondering — might have some connection to Clive Owen. But since the trailer only focuses on the British kid, I could just be grasping at straws.
Intruders will be in limited release starting March 30, 2012.
Dark Tide sees Halle Berry returning to her pre-Oscar roots, by once again starring in a movie that looks to showcase her incredible body rather than her acting talent. The trailer doesn’t capitalize on this as much as the film’s poster, but the narration clearly states “Oscar winner Halle Berry” in a shot that is almost entirely focused on her breasts. Classy. To be fair, this is directed by John Stockwell who excels at making silly but entertaining movies that take place primarily in the ocean. Nonetheless, drowning looks like more fun.
Dark Tide will be released on VOD next month, and possibly appear in theaters somewhere later this year.
At last we come to Pizza Man, a movie that looks and sounds like the worst Funny or Die, or College Humor, parody trailer ever. But it’s real and it stars former “Malcolm in the Middle” lead Frankie Muniz as the titular pie-based super hero. To make matters, the dough-faced, ex-wrestler Diamond Dallas Page co-stars as the main villain, whose name is… The Big Cheese. Yes, really. Two of my favorite 1980s sitcom alums also appear, Michael Gross and Shelley Long, respectively. But that’s more depressing than it is a sign of nascent quality. The trailer tries to strike a balance between Super and Kick-Ass, and fails unspectacularly.
Pizza Man was shot in 2010 but currently has no concrete release date, expect it some time in late 2012/early 2013. Or else it’s free?
Rob Payne also writes the indie comic The Unstoppable Force, tweets on the Twitter @RobOfWar, and his ware can be purchased here (if you’re into that sort of thing). He’s not at all surprised that none of the kids from “Malcolm in the Middle” have landed on their feet since it ended, the parents were the only reason to watch that show past season one.
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