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The Crypt vs. The Perfect Sleep

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (20)

TPS040072a.jpg

Welcome back, folks, to another edition of Pajiba’s Trailer Suck Off, the game where we pit two horrible trailers against one another to see which one wins the Golden Suck Statue. First up, is the trailer for The Crypt. It looks like a low-budget horror movie from a man, Craig McMahon, who knows low-budget horror films (see also Machined and Sportkill). It opens June 25th, and the only thing I have to say about The Crypt is that McMahon clearly watched The Descent a few too many times.

And in the other corner, The Perfect Sleep, a movie bouncing around cities right now. It’s a noir, and it makes damn sure you know it. It’s apparently about a man who knows how to take a beating, but not much else. Kind of incoherent.

Let’s suck!










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Comments

I watched both of these without sound, and The Perfect Sleep looks better. At least the fight scenes-ERRRR-ass kickings might be entertaining. Does he let people beat him until they die from exhaustion?

Posted by: Kballs at June 15, 2009 12:09 PM

Good grief.

I have to go with The Crypt as the worser of the two.

Although, the definition of film noir appearing on the screen almost single-handedly tipped that balance.

Good grief.

Posted by: boo at June 15, 2009 12:16 PM

The dude in The Crypt trailer looked so familiar to me. I looked him up on IMDB but he only has this movie and one other on his resume. So I googled his name and found out that he was on Paradise Hotel 2. Damn the husband for being addicted to that shit and making me recognize people from it.
Also, did the corpse smashing the dude's face look like Alan Cumming to anyone else?
I don't want to watch either of these.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at June 15, 2009 12:17 PM

Terrible dialogue in The Crypt's trailer aside, it seems very I Can't Believe It's Not Directed By Neil Marshall-esque, and anything that reminds me of The Descent (however cheap and knock-off-y it may be) can't be a bad thing. The Perfect Sleep, on the other hand, combines terrible dialogue with bizarre would-be edgy 'cool'ness and random violence. Plus, I can't imagine that a film that feels the need to highlight in its trailer what genre of film you're about to watch is going to give audiences much credit, and there's nothing worse than condescension via intellectual postering. So The Perfect Sleep wins my suck-off vote.

Posted by: Shay at June 15, 2009 12:28 PM

Look I haven't even watched the second trailer yet, but let's be honest.

The Crypt took the when as soon as we heard the line: "Where is it?" "Underground" "Where they bury dead people?"

Posted by: CleverJohnny at June 15, 2009 12:49 PM

The Crypt looks like something that was made by the fucking Sci-Fi channel (the movie people, not the people behind their shows). Seriously, that underground hole has better lighting than my apartment.
The Perfect sleep definitely looks shitty according to its trailer. At least the undertones of the story, what little jibberish that came through, could have been interesting in the right hands. Maybe, just maybe, the advertising people didn't know how to sell it or whatever. At least the Perfect Sleep has that pube sliver of a chance which is more than can be said about Descent hack version 2.34.

Posted by: Diablo at June 15, 2009 12:55 PM

The Crypt trailer wins hands down.

The other one is actually a fairly well-cut trailer for what looks like a bad movie; but Crypt is a shitty trailer for a baaaaaaaaaaad movie.

They both suck pretty bad, though. Where do you find these crap trailers?

Posted by: Jerce at June 15, 2009 1:53 PM

Holy Moly, The Crypt just sucked so hard I lost my breath.

The other one looks like it has the potential to be a pretty decent flick. Isn't that...Hell yeah! It's Sydney from the Pretender! Oh, yeah, I will see this movie.

Posted by: alphawhiskey at June 15, 2009 2:28 PM

The Crypt appears to be about a group of thieves or "street toughs". There's Blonde Suburbia, Tokyo Drift, Darkhaired Torment and Black Chick. They may have been in the coast guard together. That part isn't as clear. Kind of like National Treasure met The Italian Job then they threw up on Saw IV. Maybe that's exactly how it was pitched. No, that IS exactly how it was pitched.

The Perfect Sleep doesn't look nearly as terrible. Could have some camp to it. At one point Walter bleeds on the guy, or doesn't. That's the twist I think. Does Walter bleed on our hero?

Posted by: BillowingBackpacks at June 15, 2009 2:35 PM

The Crypt looks like a crappy movie, so its crappy trailer is at least honest. It won't convince me to see the movie but it will give those who might be interested a glimpse into how they'll be wasting their money.

The Perfect Sleep trailer tells me little about the movie except that there's lots of violence and some sex and the really hot woman from Without a Trace. Also, someone was trying to channel Michael Caine and almost got it but couldn't possibly be as simultaneously serious and self-mocking as Caine routinely is. All of that could be forgiven if it was not so obviously treading in the dream-like state in which directors assume they can get away with anything and the audience will go along because "it's a dream, get it? we don't really KNOW what's real and what's not and that is SO edgy!"

So yeah, The Perfect Sleep trailer wins the suck fight.

Posted by: Reba at June 15, 2009 2:50 PM

I'm not sure which trailer is worse, but "The Perfect Sleep" is more insulting for using the distinctive music from "The Third Man" -- one of the most awesome film noirs EVER.

Posted by: jimbob at June 15, 2009 3:29 PM

I was gonna vote for The Crypt, but old mentor dude talking in rhyme in The Good Sleep trailer may have tipped the balance ("You think that two-faced fate has destined you to take my life? I who taught you the ways of the knife?" Really? Really?). It isn't hard to hit so-bad-it's-good with horror. Noir is either good or bad and this one looks like it's leaning toward bad.

Posted by: a. pisaster at June 15, 2009 4:44 PM

huh...apparently I've decided to change my first initial for the day. I'm terrible at typing but I've never managed to mess up my own handle before.

Posted by: s. pisaster at June 15, 2009 4:47 PM

Oh look, it's Lodes from Carnivale. That looks halfway entertaining, even if it does give the definition of film noir in the beginning.

Maybe you guys enjoy shitting all over everything just a little too much. Don't you want anything to be good?

Posted by: HappyGobo at June 15, 2009 7:35 PM

Crypt wins. Looks terrible.

I think I heard a bunch of sound effects robbed from 007: Goldeneye on the Nintendo 64 in the the Perfect Sleep trailer. I definitly heard the knife slash, the getting shot in the face with an assult rife groan, and the holyfuck-I-have-no-weapons-karate-chop sound.

Posted by: krza at June 15, 2009 8:05 PM

Oh, we WANT movies to be good. We've just learned to live with disappointment. It may, in fact, be a good movie, but the trailer is still shite.

Posted by: Reba at June 15, 2009 8:57 PM

"The Crypt appears to be about a group of thieves or "street toughs." There's Blonde Suburbia, Tokyo Drift, Darkhaired Torment and Black Chick.

Kind of like National Treasure met The Italian Job then they threw up on Saw IV."

Thank you BillowingBackpacks for giving me the best and loudest gigglesnort I've had all night.

Posted by: villain's minion at June 16, 2009 1:10 AM

Yeah I can respect that. I go through the same cycle.

Posted by: HappyGobo at June 16, 2009 11:28 AM

Crypt wins at sucking more. Going with the scenario that I actually see either of these films in the theaters, The Perfect Sleep looks like the more enjoyable experience - me and my friends watching a no-brains actioner and laughing, kinda like when we saw Shoot 'Em Up or Smokin' Aces. Crypt would be a film I saw alone on a Tuesady (discount) night and spent the entire time playing "Name That Ripped Off Film Scene" and squirming uncomfortably in my seat. Also, the theater for Crypt would be empty; at least The Perfect Sleep would have people we could laugh with...or at.

Posted by: David at June 16, 2009 12:25 PM

The Perfect Sleep actually looks interesting to some degree. It has decent production value.

The Crypt looks like Jamie Kennedy and the girls from Saved By the Bell were cast in an awful Descent remake. It has no appeal whatsoever, and wins as the worst preview, hands down.

Posted by: Bungholio at June 30, 2009 9:56 AM