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The Canyons Trailer: Linday Lohan Was Paid $100 a Day to Deliver $10 Million Worth of Awful. What a Bargain!

By Jodi Clager | Trailers | July 11, 2013 | Comments ()


You don’t need to lie to me. I know that you’ve been secretly waiting to see the film that is to be the crown jewel of Lindsey Lohan’s illustrious career. Just kidding! We all know Liz & Dick was her cheesematic masterpiece. Still, you’ve been waiting on the trailer for The Canyons.

I would like to explain the plot to you, but I find that this official synopsis is just stellar:

Christian is a young LA trust-fund dude who’s financing a horror film simply to keep his dad off his back about doing something with his life. He has been dating Tara for about a year — she was an aspiring actress/model who settled down with him when the reality of the business became apparent to her. She’s now just Christian’s bored plaything. Christian’s assistant Gina is casting the film with assistance from Tara. Gina is pushing Ryan, her boyfriend and struggling actor, for the lead. Unbeknownst to either Christian or Gina, Ryan and Tara were a couple three years ago. When Ryan came back into Tara’s life during the auditions for the movie, they reignited their affair. But Christian, a dangerous control-freak, finds out about the affair and starts playing cruel mind games with both Tara and Ryan, which escalate into an act of bloody violence.

To make that somewhat less confusing, you should know that Lohan is Tara, Nolan Gerard Funk is Ryan, James Deen is Christian (the trust-fund dude), and Amanda Brooks is Gina. Now you can put a face to one character and a dick to another!

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • ZestyItalian2

    My god..... it almost looks like it might..... NOT be terrible.

  • Don't be fooled. It'll definitely be terrible. But that doesn't mean it won't be enjoyable.

  • Zen

    Too much Lindsay in the trailer and not enough James Deen. I already know what she can do - I want to see what he can do.

    Apart from doing the do he does so well, that is.

  • ,

    "Nothing to lose but yourself"

    Hoo boy. Up to then, I was almost buying in.

  • alwaysanswerb

    The weirdest thing for me, watching something like this, is trying to put a finger on what happened to her acting. It's not that it's cut-and-dry bad, per se, but there is something measurably different about the way Lohan acts now versus how she did before. It's like she has to act more forcefully so that the rest of us can read her through her cloak of sadness.

  • Clips of James Deen have a Pavlov's dog effect on my nethers, but then, with the overwhelming amount of Lohan, my lady bits are all "woah - made a mistake there - sorry - finally beginning to understand why anyone would ever consider douching with Lysol - let's never screw anyone ever again - this business is CLOSED". I'm going back over to Sharknado to drown my sorrow in spinning death. Laterz, kids.

  • I was ready to see this movie based on James Deen alone but after seeing that trailer.....no. I don't need coke-bloat Lohan infecting my, errr, appreciation of Deen

  • Mrs. Julien

    Did you know that in the 1940s Lysol actually advertised itself for just that kind of ladyparts cleanliness?

  • Uriah_Creep

    According to Terrence Howard, baby wipes are good enough. Bonus!

  • Yes, and that seemed insane until I watched this trailer, but I'm now willing to admit that there might be rare cases where such drastic actions need to be taken.

  • IngridToday

    "Liz & Dick" was the highlight of her cheestastic career.
    You clearly have never seen "I Know Who Killed Me". Watch it, it is glorious in it's of awfulness.

    Lohen is once again planning twins. Twins who never met, one twin is from a good home the other is a stripper. The good twins gets kidnapped and has various body parts cut off. Stripper twin begins having the same injures (finger's falling off, etc) because... psychic connection? magic? sometimes the B-movie gods love us?

    I can not begin to tell you how fantastically terrible this movie is.

  • kilmo

    Listen to the How Did this Get Made podcast of this movie. It's equally awesome.

  • DeltaJuliet

    After reading your description, I think I REALLY need to see this movie. It sounds awful!

  • lowercase_ryan

    Paul Schrader's desperation is depressing. Especially with his comments this week comparing Lilo to Marilyn.

  • apsutter

    Welp, her terrible opening monologue pretty much sums up Blohan's career

  • EarnestScribbler

    I like how it's also being offered "in the privacy of your home" as well as select theaters in case you're too embarrassed to let ANYONE, even strangers, know that you want to see this.

  • PDamian

    Oh, I will definitely watch this at home. With popcorn and a nice chablis.

  • Did y'all see the NYT piece about this? http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01...

    She's crazy. Poor thing.

  • Bodhi

    That article is amazing. I don't think shes crazy, I think she is an asshole

  • ,

    She certainly doesn't seem like the crazy one in the story. Several other candidates for that.

  • Dennis Albert Ramirez

    yeah that piece is a pretty interesting look into how movies get made or fall apart as well

  • Joe Grunenwald

    YES. I read that piece months ago and it is spectacular. I've been waiting for this shitstorm of a movie to come out.

  • With a script by Brett Easton Ellis? All I have to say is: yes. It looks so bad and I can't wait.

  • NateMan

    You should be ashamed of yourself. Posting this trailer immediately after the awesomeness that is SHARKNADO got its own post. For shame.

  • PDamian

    The only way SHARKNADO or The Canyons could be improved would be with a giant mashup during which Lohan, Deen, Schrader, Reid and Ziering become chum and the sharks are ultimately defeated by massive indigestion.

  • NateMan

    You can't let Lohan's or Reid's blood into the ocean. We'd be talking about pollution on a global scale, one that could wipe out aquatic life as we know it and revive the Old Ones dreaming in the deep trenches.

    How odd is it I have far more respect for James Deen than either of these two women? Maybe it's because he seems to be more grounded, or have more respect for himself/others in the few interviews with him I've read.

  • meadowdancer


  • cusinemakaty

    мy coυѕιɴ ιѕ мαĸιɴɢ $51/нoυr oɴlιɴe. υɴeмployed ғor α coυple oғ yeαrѕ αɴd prevιoυѕ yeαr ѕнe ɢoт α $1З619cнecĸ wιтн oɴlιɴe joв ғor α coυple oғ dαyѕ. ѕee мore αт...­ ­ViewMore----------------------...

    The weirdest thing for me,
    watching something like this, is trying to put a finger on what happened
    to her acting. It's not that it's cut-and-dry bad, per se, but there is
    something measurably different about the way Lohan acts now versus how
    she did before. It's like she has to act more forcefully so that the
    rest of us can read her through her cloak of sadness.

  • pinkerton80

    That was what I was going to say!

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