The Asylum Vs. Mainstream Films: 8 Blockbusters And Their Poor, Inbred Cousins

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The Asylum Vs. Mainstream Films: 8 Blockbusters And Their Poor, Inbred Cousins

By Jodi Clager | Trailers | May 12, 2014 | Comments ()


Perhaps you already knew this, but the production company behind Sharknado has made a niche for itself by releasing horrible movies. You’re shocked, right? What makes these terrible movies even more terrible is that The Asylum, the production company, generally names their movies and pulls their story lines from huge Hollywood blockbusters. The similarly titled and plotted films then go on to fool the elderly and those that only read the first few letters of a title on Pay Per View/OnDemand before ordering it.

They in the foolin’ people bidness. And cousin, bidness is a-boomin’.

Snakes on a Train - 2006

Snakes on a Plane - 2006

Well, both are sort of losers, but you have to give it to the snake movie starring Samuel “Bad Motherfucker” Jackson.

The Da Vinci Treasure - 2006

The Da Vinci Code - 2006

I think that The Da Vinci Treasure would be more fun to watch. The amount of shenanigans and goings on you could have with friends by riffing would be worth the price of rental.

Transmorphers - 2007

Transformers - 2007

Pro: No Shia LaBeouf. Con: The titular robots are even more difficult to tell apart when they are all silver.

Monster - 2008

Cloverfield - 2008

Paranormal Entity - 2009

Paranormal Activity - 2009

Almighty Thor - 2011

Thor - 2011

Richard Greico is Loki, you guys. RICHARD GRIECO.

Atlantic Rim - 2012

Pacific Rim - 2012

Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots don’t really hold a candle to the Jaegers in Guillermo del Toro’s flick.

Android Cop - 2014

RoboCop - 2014

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • HappyLittleTrees

    I'm surprised we haven't heard more from that Cody Deal fella. Looked like the start of a good career.

  • VohaulsRevenge

    1.) Give The Asylum a break; they're exhibiting the creativity porn parodies used to aspire to.
    2.) It's a long, long way down from "Dances With Wolves"...
    3.) There are no "Paranormal Activity" parodies, only other versions of "Paranormal Activity".
    4.) I refuse to believe that's Charles Dutton.

  • AvaLehra

    And now, thanks to this image, my day is complete. And it's so early!

  • Helo

    Paging Kevin Feige and Joss Whedon.

  • TK

    I want to say that Michael Jai White was better than a movie called Android Cop, but I know that just isn't true.

  • phase10

    If not him, then certainly Charles S. Dutton is.

  • BlackRabbit

    Ah, the Mockbusters. And they're unashamed (nor should they be) to do them. If you dare, Asylum of course has a TV Tropes page. There are also studios that do animated "mocks" as well.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Graham Greene? Oh, boy.

  • VohaulsRevenge

    A part of me will never recover.

  • e jerry powell

    Oh, let's be fair. The Asylum has had since 1987 to rip off RoboCop (or either of the intervening sequels), so they kind of dropped the ball in just getting around to it now.

  • Yocean

    Seeing the Da Vinci Code trailer. Response: My what a strategically placed flashlight. (covering crotch).

  • Lord Inferno

    Look, we all know that these movies are only targeted at only one market: the confused-little-old-lady-at-the-bargain-bin-market.

    "Oh, my grandson likes those Android Police films. This must be the one he was talking about. Lemme get it for him for his birthday."

    And you know what? Their devious schemes work!

  • KC


    THANK YOU. Made my day.

  • Jericho Smith

    I was able to make to the halfway mark of Atlantic Rim.

    You may all now bow down and worship my personal fortitude...
    Seriously. I lasted longer when they water-boarded me.

  • Finance_Nerd

    I don't think the term "starring" is appropriate for most of the actors in these films. "Including", "among others" or "with" would be better.

  • Lord Inferno
    Well, both are sort of losers, but you have to give it to the snake movie starring Samuel “Bad Motherfucker” Jackson.

    Truer words were never spoken. The only real difference between Snakes on a Train and Snakes on a Plane is the presence of the inimitable Samuel "Motherfucking" L. Jackson. I remember friends who had the movie poster in their dorms, the "I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!" ringtone. That weird music video by the band that nobody has heard from since...

    Those were good days.

    Is it bad that I have seen more of the Asylum films on SyFy than I have seen the actual movies in theaters?

  • Protoguy

    See also:
    Battle: Los Angeles and Battle of Los Angeles.
    One was a mediocre sci-fi film with Aaron Eckhart. The other a Horrible Sci Fi knockoff with Nia Peeples.

  • e jerry powell

    All you needed to say was "Nia Peeples;" the rest of the description would have been rendered superfluous after that.

    I think that the only thing that could have been easier in terms of superfluity would have been anything involving Tia Carrere.

  • e jerry powell

    This particular power is wasted in mainstream film; it would be put to much better use in parody porn.

  • Uriah_Creep

    Like my personal favorite, "Sperms of Endearment". Or, in the BJ sub-category, "Desperately Seeking Suction".

  • e jerry powell

    It's a gift...

  • Alicia

    Wasn't there a porn parody of "Pirates of the Caribbean"? Or at least, it starred women with porn star names. I didn't get around to watching it.

  • There is a porn parody of everything. For the 'The Big Bang Theory' they didn't even have to change the name.

  • BWeaves

    Then how would you tell the difference?

    Oh, right, nerds don't have sex.

  • e jerry powell

    They did two versions of it, actually; one with hardcore scenes and another without. It's a thing in porn now, trying to return the "redeeming social value" or "artistic credibility" to porn that was the deal back in the late seventies/early eighties.

    The difference, though, is that many of the actors and actresses working in porn in the mid-seventies/early eighties actually had theatrical training and there were writers actually making efforts towards viable narrative and believable dialogue.

  • PDamian

    Richard Greico is Loki, you guys. RICHARD GRIECO.

    I had to IMDb the name to jog my memory. Good heavens. Well, at least he's getting work.

  • e jerry powell

    Now don't you wish you hadn't?

    Depp definitely ended up with the better part of that exchange.

    And even worse, Grieco and Kevin Nash are the top-liners. The Thor actor was virtually non-existent before 2011.

  • That and Thor used an Uzi for 90% of the film instead of a hammer.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    I think he's looking pretty good, myself. A little bit skeevy but he's undeniably a handsome guy.

  • Lee

    Gene Simmons wishes he looked like this right now

  • foolsage

    "A little bit skeevy"? You have a generous heart.

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