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"Does My Vagina Make Me Look Fat?"

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (26)

stanhelsing.jpg

So, you thought Van Helsing was a bad movie, huh? Check out the trailer for Stan Helsing, which comes from “one of the guys who brought you Scary Movie,” (writer/director Bo Zenga was a producer) and stars perhaps two of the least talented actors in the history of actressin’: Good Burger’s Kenen Thompson and Steve Howey, who is kind of the homeless man’s Ryan Reynolds, in that he has a similar wry, sarcastic delivery, but it’s different in one respect: It sucks. (Also, not a good looking man).

So, yeah: It’s a spoof movie, where Stan Helsing is charged with killing the six biggest horror icons: Freddy, Jason, Michael Meyers, Pinhead, and Chucky. It looks powerfully unfunny. I’ll give it this, though. It looks slightly better than Scary Movie.










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Comments

Anybody here have a power cord, high rafters and a chair I could borrow with no questions asked?

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at April 23, 2009 10:51 AM

Yay! Italics!

I'm not usually ashamed of the shitty stuff I watch, but I am a little ashamed that I've actually seen "Van Helsing" more than once. I didn't pay for it, though (saw it on cable), so that makes it not so bad, right? Right?

Posted by: Slash at April 23, 2009 10:54 AM

That certainly is mighty un-funny.

Awesome premise though.

Posted by: Squeeger at April 23, 2009 10:55 AM

Whoops, italics are gone. That was weird.

Posted by: Slash at April 23, 2009 10:55 AM

Who is the sixth horror icon? Dracula? I refuse to watch trailers at work.

Posted by: Kballs at April 23, 2009 10:56 AM

1) charged with killing the six biggest horror icons: Freddy, Jason, Michael Meyers, Pinhead, and Chucky. That's only 5.

2) Your vagina doesn't make you look fat. The fact that you're fat makes you look fat. Your vagina just makes you look like a woman.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at April 23, 2009 10:57 AM

I made it to 2:13. There's gotta be some kind of award for that, right?

Posted by: Kolby at April 23, 2009 10:57 AM

I admit, I will probably watch this movie and laugh hysterically at it someday, but in my defense, I will be exceedingly drunk and high. I'm pretty sure that's the target demographic for this one anyway.

Posted by: Alexandra at April 23, 2009 11:00 AM

The sixth icon appears be Leatherface (from Texas Chainsaw Massacre)

Posted by: Perl at April 23, 2009 11:18 AM

I know qualify as "special needs" because of the brain cells I lost watching that. Thanks a lot, Stan Helsing. Thanks a fucking lot.

Posted by: Lindsay at April 23, 2009 11:21 AM

Wow. My ribs rurt. Not from laughing.
From stabbing myself with a fork while watching that.

Posted by: Odnon at April 23, 2009 11:23 AM

Does anyone else see the irony of this coming from "Essential" Entertainment?

Posted by: Soup Sandwich at April 23, 2009 11:55 AM

I wonder what Keenan did to piss off the Black Crusaders. Probably just existing and talking shit about the pudding.

Posted by: jM at April 23, 2009 11:56 AM

"I’ll give it this, though. It looks slightly better than Scary Movie."

So does gonorrhea. Don't want that either.

Posted by: TK at April 23, 2009 12:17 PM

How could you Use Ghostbusters for evil?!

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at April 23, 2009 1:40 PM

the six biggest horror icons: Freddy, Jason, Michael Meyers, Pinhead, Chucky and Julia Roberts.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 23, 2009 2:03 PM

*hi-fives ,(tcfkab)*

Posted by: lordhelmet at April 23, 2009 2:35 PM

I'll see your *high five*

and lower you a *fist bump*

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 23, 2009 2:40 PM

i found it sad that they totally stole a joke from clerks before the 1 minute mark.

Posted by: gp at April 23, 2009 3:08 PM

Will this even deserve to be seen. Van Helsing came out years ago, and the perfect horror movie spoof was already made, it was called Scream.

So this movie is a rip off of Scary Movie, which was a rip off of Scream, and this movie's also a ripoff of a shit ton of irrelevent and relevant horror movies. I truly feel sorry for whoever's stuck with this turd.

Posted by: George at April 23, 2009 3:22 PM

They stole that 'slaughter' joke from The Dark Knight.

Posted by: t at April 23, 2009 3:57 PM

I didn't watch it, I already have cramps. I'm not saying that the end justifies the means in this case-- because I already did.

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at April 23, 2009 8:29 PM

About halfway through, I was thinking "That looks like the stupidest movie I've ever--" then the I kissed a girl song came on and replaced any verbage with incoherent screaming.

Why, Hollywood? Why?

Posted by: Hellajet at April 23, 2009 8:38 PM

Lorne Michaels needs to hitman Kenan Thompson for even remotely associating SNL with that putrid ass-cloud of a movie.

Posted by: stardust savant at April 23, 2009 9:52 PM

Where is lizzie with her axe when you need her?

Posted by: stardust savant at April 23, 2009 9:53 PM

I just saw an advanced screening of this movie tonight in LA. Worst thing I've ever seen in my 29 years. I'd rather watch Van Helsing 50 times in a row rather than endure a minute of this movie...and I really hated Van Helsing

Posted by: kami at April 29, 2009 5:57 AM