Spread Trailer

I Hate It. No. Seriously. I Hate It

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (40)

Hi.

Here’s the trailer for Spread. I hate it. I hate every single frame. I hate this trailer in its face. I hate it like a termite in a turd box. If this trailer were on fire, I’d piss on it. And then light it on fire again. I hate Ashton Kutcher in it. And somehow, I hate his character even more than I hate Ashton Kutcher. I hate that Kutcher thinks adopting a nasally sound somehow constitutes actressin’. I hate that the character is a poor man’s version of Ryan Phillipe in Cruel Intentions. He is that L.A. hipster douchebag I despise so very fucking much. I want to move back to Arkansas, buy a pair of cowboy boots, and fly to L.A. just so I can shove them up this character’s goddamn ass.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. It played at Sundance for fuck’s sake! Have they no shame?

Give it look see! It’s called Spread because of course it is.

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Comments

I know my friends will want to go see this crap. Does this guy have a job? I assume it costs money to dress like an unimpressed douche receptacle. And a waitress in a coffee shop? How does she afford a car like that? Fucking LA.

Posted by: Austin asking for trouble at June 25, 2009 7:14 PM

oh fuck that shit.

why is he talking like that, too? I much prefer Ashton when he talks like Kelso.

Posted by: lizzieborden at June 25, 2009 7:20 PM

One, I can't believe I actually watched that trailer.
Two, it has Sebastian Stan, I like him, he does good work in "Kings."
Three, does anyone else have a problem seeing Anne Heche as straight? I still see her as a lesbian. She's no Neil Patrick Harris.
Four, this is actually rated a 7.3 on IMDB...there is something really wrong with that.
Five, how do these films get made? I'm going to make the same film, but with the guy who played Billy Bob in Varsity Blues pre-surgery. All Kutcher does is walk around looking pretty with a cute smile on his face, just look at his fucking camera commercials...he always looks the same. Except in this one he dresses really, really, homosexual. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But for some reason I don't want to see a film in which you can tell the actor gives himself daily enemas.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 25, 2009 7:21 PM

Damn, Dustin. That's a lot of hate for such an mind-numbingly bland trailer.

I think Michael Bay and his infinitesimally small penis broke your brain.

Posted by: stardust savant at June 25, 2009 7:22 PM

I want to grab Kutcher by the scarf and pull until his stupid, vapid eyes pop out. This looks horrible. I would guess that it also smells, probably like Axe Twatwaffle spray.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at June 25, 2009 7:27 PM

hahaha i love "actressin"

Posted by: robin at June 25, 2009 7:27 PM

And a waitress in a coffee shop? How does she afford a car like that?

Pictures. Dirrrrrty pictures.

Wait ... his name is spelled the stripper way. My God, that is just wrong.

Posted by: Vermillion at June 25, 2009 7:28 PM

I have to thank the producers of this movie. I was constipated today. But then I saw this trailer and suddenly I had the urge to take a dump.

Like when you hear running water and you feel like taking a piss, this movie is such a pile of shit it loosened my bowels.

"Bowel-loosening entertainment"
-- L.O.V.E.

put that on your movie poster and smoke it.

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at June 25, 2009 7:29 PM

I am so not watching that. I'd much rather stare at Dustin's face going red as he kicks the wall screaming "HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT."

Posted by: figgy at June 25, 2009 7:38 PM

i love L.O.V.E.

Posted by: gp at June 25, 2009 7:39 PM

It's sort of like that decent French movie Priceless, no? Except with (&%$*^@# &*(%$&* as the male lead (censored for the little ones).

Posted by: wicherwill at June 25, 2009 7:48 PM

OMG THIS FILM LOOKS SO GOOD!!

But it'd be better if you took out Ashton Kutcher's voice, the plot, the characters, Ashton Kutchter himself, and the name...and the music, too, I guess.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, this movie would be amazing, but only if it were completely different. Any shot of that happening?

Posted by: Victor at June 25, 2009 7:58 PM

What the fuck is his job? Douchey scarf model?

According to its IMDB page, it copped an R rating in Australia, which is the equivalent to an NC-17. Hopefully that means there'll be some disembowellin'.

Posted by: Simon A at June 25, 2009 8:16 PM

But you guys! Hey you guys! Give it a chance! It's a "fresh, funny and racy look at the trials and tribulations of sleeping your way to a life of privilege in Los Angeles." !!

MurderTank 1 to MurderTank 2. The clichémeter just fried its own brain. Repeat, the clichémeter is toast.

Set phasers to "roast anus." By your command.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at June 25, 2009 8:27 PM

This looks less like a movie and more like an expanded version of that "Man with the magic touch" commercial he did for Canon Cameras. I'm just happy to finally have the backstory for that ad.

Posted by: harborwolf at June 25, 2009 8:29 PM

So, is everyone at Pajiba ignoring the fact that Michael Jackson died today or did I miss it?

Posted by: AbbyNormal at June 25, 2009 8:30 PM

Wait a moment.

You said it's a "fresh, funny and racy look at the trials and tribulations of sleeping your way to a life of privilege in Los Angeles." !!

In other words, it's Kutcher's life story?

Pass! I hate his fucking commercials, I hate his fucking show "punk'd". I hate this fucker more than words can tell.

At least he has to look at Rumor Willis every day! Ha! Hey, Ashton! You just got punk'd, motherfucker!

Posted by: UncleJR at June 25, 2009 8:33 PM

Damn you Van Halen!

Yes, damn you!

So... it's supposed to be the aughts version of a Bret Easton Ellis novel, but without the drugs/threesomes/orgies/human vampires

Right, I'm so totally there.

Posted by: kilmo at June 25, 2009 10:57 PM

watching s3 that 70s show to wash the stank out of my brain. how did laura prepon ever get work? fuckin character breaking mouth-breather...

Posted by: trippdup at June 25, 2009 10:57 PM

So Kucher'd doing a biopic?

Posted by: admin at June 25, 2009 11:03 PM

That was supposed to say Kucher's but on second thought, this movie got KUTCHER'D!

Posted by: admin at June 25, 2009 11:05 PM

I think Michael Bay and his infinitesimally small penis broke your brain.

Posted by: stardust savant at June 25, 2009 7:22 PM
---
That would be a Baynis.

Get with the program.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 25, 2009 11:21 PM

Holy shit, this movie makes me want to leave LA ~~tomorrow~~ immediately, get as far as fuck away from this spot as I can. ...yeesh.

Posted by: seth at June 25, 2009 11:56 PM

Damn you Van Halen?

No, damn you Ashton Kutcher for soiling the name of name of Van Halen. Well, that and the soft shit they cranked out with Haggar.

Posted by: Dave at June 26, 2009 12:56 AM

Oooh! I just got new cowboy boots. You can borrow 'em. Shoving them up Kutcher's ass is a worthy cause.

Posted by: Kate at June 26, 2009 1:52 AM

It played at Sundance for fuck’s sake!

Pseudo-introspective voice-overs. And whimsically inappropriate clothing. Sundance gold.

George Peppard, Michael Caine and even Richard Fucking Gere did the philosophical kept man better.

By god it's just horri ... um ... wait a minute. We just got punked, didn't we?

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at June 26, 2009 2:03 AM

There are so many negative things to say about this my brain just crashed.

Posted by: io at June 26, 2009 5:35 AM

Deistbrawler 'Two, it has Sebastian Stan, I like him, he does good work in "Kings."'

Agreed - i will see this because of Sebastian Stan; whether it's good or bad. RIP Kings :(

Posted by: Neena at June 26, 2009 6:30 AM

Deistbrawler 'Two, it has Sebastian Stan, I like him, he does good work in "Kings."'

Agreed - i will see this because of Sebastian Stan; whether it's good or bad. RIP Kings :(

Posted by: Neena at June 26, 2009 6:31 AM

But she's going to change his life!!! Can't you unromantic fuckers see that?!?! Cause she's a coffee shop waitress and she's like hot and stuff and she plays shitty mind games just like a guy so she's like magical and mysterious and stuff. How are you not getting this?!!?!?!

Seriously, they can just preengrave the Oscars for this. I'm GLAD they're increasing the best picture nominations because clearly this masterpiece is going to need all ten slots.

You people all lack souls, your hearts are shrivelled and cold and you probably kill puppies in your spare time but it's OK! Ashton can save you.

Give in to the scarf...

Posted by: Alex the Odd at June 26, 2009 9:33 AM

But she's going to change his life!!! Can't you unromantic fuckers see that?!?! Cause she's a coffee shop waitress and she's like hot and stuff and she plays shitty mind games just like a guy so she's like magical and mysterious and stuff.

Nice try, AtO, but she'll never compare to the most magical of all coffee shop waitresses: Amelie. End of story.

Although I suppose comparing this movie to Amelie is like comparing apples to really, really shitty oranges.

Posted by: Melissa at June 26, 2009 10:26 AM

I agree, Vermillion. No man should spell his name "Nikki," not even after the transsexual operation and appearance on the very special "Is this a he or a she?" episode of Jerry Springer.

Posted by: Ariel at June 26, 2009 10:38 AM

All of this vile is totally deserved but can I please get some hatred for the totally grotesque cover of that Lisa Loeb song playing in the background?

Posted by: Less Lee Moore at June 26, 2009 11:13 AM

And of course by "vile" I meant "bile."

But yeah, it's VILE also.

Posted by: Less Lee Moore at June 26, 2009 11:14 AM

Ashton Kutcher (and some other asshats like him) is the embodiment of the phrase, "How can we miss you if you won't go away?"

Seeing his smirking face in several commercials every goddam day is what's made me despise the very sight of him. Him and Beyonce. I change the channel immediately as soon as anything with either of them in it comes on TV when I'm watching.

Posted by: Slash at June 26, 2009 11:58 AM

Gods, I hate Ashton Kutcher. I hate the clothes he is wearing in this trailer, I hate his voice in this trailer, I hate that he married Demi Moore, to whom he probably jerked off as a child.

That said? I would fuck the everloving SHIT out of him. As long as he didn't talk.

Mmm, Kutcher.

Posted by: Silmelas at June 26, 2009 4:40 PM

Holy Christ, that was some repugnant shit. So, douchebag falls in love with douchebag girl? Yes, that sounds like a wonderful movie to spend 90 minutes on.

Posted by: TylerDFC at June 26, 2009 5:16 PM

"I hate that he married Demi Moore, to whom he probably jerked off as a child."
Posted by: Silmelas

Dude, we ALL jerked off to Demi Moore as a child. She's got to be about 159 years old now.

Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at June 26, 2009 5:46 PM

Dude, there's a lot of pussy in this movie. I saw it at Sundance. And the waitress chick has that car for a reason. And that reason is pussy. P U S S Y.

I can hate on Ashton. But I can't hate on pussy.

Posted by: ChuckNorrisLovedPussyToo at June 26, 2009 6:53 PM

Can I join you in the pissing and re-lighting and re-pissing? Jezum crow this looks dumb. And formulaic. And dumb.
I believe the term "shit balls retarded" was invented for cinematic insults like this.

Posted by: tira at June 28, 2009 10:40 AM

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