The Sorority Row trailer just arrived. A remake of House on Sorority Row, the films tracks five sorority girls - Briana Evigan, Leah Pipes, Jamie Chung, Margo Harshman, and … Rumer Willis - whose innocent prank on a frat boy accidentally turns deadly (it’s a roofie prank! And the frat boy kills her with a tire iron!). The sorority girls agree to keep the death a secret; however, a mystery killer arrives and thwarts their plans at graduation.
Carrie Fisher plays the House mom.
There’s absolutely no reason to see the movie, except for the fact that Rumer Willis is going to play the Paris Hilton role in House of Wax, which means she’ll get the most brutally fantastic death. Though it’s a remake of House on Sorority Row, the movie looks more like another I Know What You Did Last Summer sequel, only with a tire iron instead of a fisherman’s hook. Because tire irons don’t puncture, the bludgeon. Also, I’ll grant they look kind of cool flying through the air.
From what I understand, ShoWest theatrical exhibitors’ convention is also set to name the film’s four female leads - including Rumer Willis - as its 2009 Female Stars of Tomorrow.
We are so incredibly fucked. Future World: Find your inner supernova.
Um, wasn't this better when it was called Jawbreaker?
Posted by: patchfire at March 19, 2009 8:03 PM
Well I suppose Carrie's new book royalties will take a while to come in so...needs must, I guess. Damn.
But don't go darkening the good name of Future World though. What'd Spaceship Earth ever do to you? And have you ridden Mission: Space? That shit is BOSS!
Awesome porn name, if, you know, this real acting thing doesn't work out.
Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at March 19, 2009 8:10 PM
I'm not paying 9 bucks for something I'll just watch on Youtube anyway. Even though Youtube has done so many bad things for the world, at least it's killed the notion that you can build a movie off of one scene that everyone will just watch bootlegged for free.
She's going to have a real decision on her hands when she has to make up her mind on whether she wants to look like mom or dad. Either way, that's a hell of a lot of surgery bills.
Stuck right in the damn middle.
Posted by: admin at March 19, 2009 8:39 PM
Whatever demise Rumer is met with in the film, it will surely pale with the demise that Demi's vagina met when that enormous-headed baby was squeezed out. I can only imagine it's like trying to push The Iron Giant through a Dunkin Donut...
Posted by: The Pink Hulk at March 19, 2009 8:40 PM
Dear Pink Hulk,
You sometimes say the most disgusting things, therefore my love for you grows with each passing day. Let's be best friends.
Was Megan played by Audrina from "The Hills"? Because I think they missed a prime opportunity to dispatch her for reals.
But honestly, the real opportunity missed was on the part of the makers of this movie. It's one of the few horror movies with an all-female lead cast, and they could have done some awesome commentary on the nature of sororities and what "sisterhood" really means, something The Descent-style; but you know they're going to go for cheap bitchiness and titty shots.
Posted by: Geetch at March 19, 2009 10:42 PM
Looks better than the F13 or My Bloody Valentine remakes. It'll probably wind up a fairly harmless entry in the remake-o-sphere like House of Wax: not so bad it's unwatchable, but not good enough to create a lasting impression.
I'm with you on the Hulk love, Sarina...that was a beautiful, and timely, observation.
In other news, I think Rumer Willis may be a bridge troll.
Posted by: Smokin at March 19, 2009 11:35 PM
You guys make me feel pretty. I accept your proposal, Sarina!
Posted by: The Pink Hulk at March 19, 2009 11:47 PM
Yay! I shall add you to my collection of lovelies. I do have some rules, though. They are as follows:
1. You have to play nice with Jeremy and Lainey, because they are my favourites (sshhhh, don't tell the others!).
2. You have to give TK shit whenever possible, because that is my mission in life, but you can't actually be mean to him. Nobody picks on my adoptive e-siblings but me.
3. Hands off of Jay. He's mine. I'll break him eventually. No mere mortal can resist my unbearable cuteness forever!
4. You can't stop being awesome, because that will make me sad, and nobody likes it when I'm sad (I get whiny -- it ain't pretty).
Yeah... it's kind of a lot of work being my friend. I'm a lot to handle some days. The payoff is worth it, though. I'm pretty fantastic. And I'm so humble!
Wow Sar (can I call you Sar?), you run a really tight ship there. I'm not sure if you realize this or not, but Jeremy and I are already in a pretty exclusive Pajibalationship, so no worries there. I don't know Lainey per se, but I think we've friended on Facebook, much like I have with many of you kids here lately.
I also loathe TK, but only because he's more awesome than I am. I don't know Jay all that well yet, but I'll let you take the first ride. And it is humanly fucking impossible for me to stop being awesome. I'm gay. We're born with just a little more awesome than everyone else. And glitter. We're all born with glitter.
Now that I've accepted your contractual requirements, I do feel the need to let you know of some of my own:
1. You can talk shit about the following people: Tyra, Britney, Madonna, Cher, Barbra, Oprah, Liza, Bette, and Olivia Newton John. BUT, you must secretly love them just a little and be pretty sure you'd pee yourself just a tad if they came over to your place.
2. You have to send me bologna and/or bacon from amazon.com once every 6 months to make sure my nitrate levels are in check.
3. You need to tell me on occasion that I'm your hero, that I'm everything, everything, you wish you could be. And that you could, indeed, fly higher than an eagle, but if, and only if, I were the wind beneath your wings.
That's all.
Posted by: The Pink Hulk at March 20, 2009 12:49 AM
And by the way, Sars (can I call you Sars?) before you think so, I didn't steal my above #3 from Lainey's comment on Facebook. That is what is so weird. I JUST read that. I am having a totally psychic week, and to be quite honest, it's starting to freak me the fuck out.
Posted by: The Pink Hulk at March 20, 2009 12:59 AM
And by the way, Sars (can I call you Sars?)
This is why I love Pajiba. Only here, can you use an infectious desease as a pet name.
Posted by: admin at March 20, 2009 1:09 AM
I've found a new facebook friend. Don't worry, Sarina, I won't steal Hulk away from you. I just want to be near his awesomeness.
And now I really want to call somebody "Anthrax", or "Mad Cow Disease".
Why do they keep casting Rumer as a sorority girl?
With that face, she's third tier if anything. Even with famous parents and/or any legacies. Ew.
Posted by: hells no at March 20, 2009 1:45 AM
Apologies to everyone who isn't The Pink Hulk. Just ignore us while we hammer out the endless details of our commitment to mutual awesome-osity.
Pink Hulk (can I call you Bruce?), I did indeed know about you and Jeremy (I usually at least halfway pay attention to the people I like). I just wanted it made clear that, even if you guys have some super dramatic lover's quarrel and falling out, you are required to play nice with him forever or I shall be forced to kill you in the head.
As for The Ladies... I only like old-school Madonna, back when she was a straight-up whore; I do not care for the more recent iterations of Madonna. Not even secretly or a little bit. She and Gwyneth can suck it. Conversely, I only like Crazy Britney. I like it when she's cruising down the highway on a ride-on lawnmower, pantsless and high as a kite, adopting random accents and marrying anyone who will stand still long enough. Sad, caged bear Britney depresses me and is boring.
Barba gives me hives and I refuse to like her and you can't make me. I can only handle Oprah in small doses, and only when she's interviewing people and she does that crazy excited voice and that weird thing happens with her head that makes her hair move all over the place because she can't physically contain her psychoses. I love to hate her like that. All the other ladies, though? I don't just love them a little in secret. I love them all the time, right out in the open, and I don't care who knows it.
I also love it that everyone has been telling me all day that I am the wind beneath their wings. One of my fleshlife friends called me this afternoon and sang that on my voicemail, I shit you not. I like how creepy my life is sometimes. Everyone I know is a freak, and I'm the scariest person I've ever met. It's pretty sweet.
Oh, and you can pretty much call me whatever you want. Most people call me Sarina, Sari or Sarah, but I'll answer to just about anything. Hell, TK gave me the jackassiest nickname in the world and I somehow still tolerate him.
I can't believe the first comment was about this ripping off Jawbreaker and nobody has screamed about what a ripoff of Heathers Jawbreaker was. I feel like I don't even know you people any more.
Posted by: Eep at March 20, 2009 2:06 AM
Heathers Jawbreaker? Is that a massive Goober for girls?
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at March 20, 2009 9:31 AM
OK Sars, I think we've got a deal. We will simply have to agree to disagree on the Barbra issue, but I think our differences are part of what make us such a unique pairing. We're like Cagney and Lacey that way. (I'm Cagney. Sorry.)
I will have my people write up a contract detailing our friendship agreement and have them send it to your people.
In the meantime, would you care to snuggle?
Posted by: The Pink Hulk at March 20, 2009 10:15 AM
Buclamidia...ha!
Posted by: Smokin at March 20, 2009 1:56 AM
---
Hey, that's MY line!
HA!
Posted by: bucdaddy at March 20, 2009 10:28 AM
Rumer is Exhibit A for why William and Harry should get down on their knees every day and thank Godtopus they got their mom's face.
Posted by: bucdaddy at March 20, 2009 10:41 AM
What did Rumer Willis do to make y'all hate her? I don't know anything about her, but she's cute in that picture, and there aren't very many good looking women in movies nowadays.
Posted by: Lucas at March 20, 2009 10:53 AM
The picture up top…
Did somebody Photoshop her head onto someone else's body? It just doesn't look right and it's confusing my penis.
Posted by: dave at March 20, 2009 10:58 AM
Lucas, if she's cute in that picture, would you do me a favor? Could you date my sister? She's got the smile of someone who loves to eat brick sandwhiches, a gait to the left, and this weird overreactive lymph node in her neck that makes it look like a goiter from time to time...oh...and once you get past the smell of ointment she is a dynamite time to hang out with...but hey...at least she's not Rumor Willis.
The Pink Hulk: We're born with just a little more awesome than everyone else. And glitter. We're all born with glitter.
OK, I just got a visual of our old family doctor who delivered me getting a queefed face-full of glitter, and I'm going to have a little smile the rest of the day.
Thank PH.
Posted by: Drake at March 20, 2009 11:45 AM
"In the meantime, would you care to snuggle?"
I normally don't particularly like to be touched, but as a matter of fact, yes -- yes I would care to snuggle. Can there also be snacks and movies?
Posted by: The Pink Hulk at March 20, 2009 12:35 PM
Well, I'm feeling particularly brainless today, so can it be something slapstick and maybe an entire bag of Funsize Snickers?
Posted by: The Pink Hulk at March 20, 2009 12:35 PM
The picture up top…
Did somebody Photoshop her head onto someone else's body?
dave - I had the exact same thought! It's like the spray tan didn't reach her face. Which looks vaguely like a cross between a clown and a geisha.
Posted by: tamatha at March 20, 2009 12:53 PM
I'll watch pretty much anything, but I am at least 89% certain that if I ate even half a bag of Funsize Snickers, I would vomit out of every hole in my face and then die. I'll bring Swedish Fish, though. You can have some if you want. I am an excellent sharer of things.
...that is a lie. I am a selfish, selfish whore. But I am totally for realsies willing to share this time.
What the fuck!? Why do the gay guys get all the fly honeys.
I'm going to start pretending.
Also:
Rumor Willis = huge jaw
Ashton Kutcher = huge...?
Posted by: admin at March 20, 2009 12:55 PM
Ashton Kutcher = huge...?
Posted by: admin at March 20, 2009 12:55 PM
Brain tumor. It explains his poor project selection and belief that he can act.
Posted by: Smokin at March 20, 2009 1:08 PM
I got buclamidia once. Felt like someone was sticking a hot wire up my junk every time I took a wee. Not to mention the itching. It was not a good time in my life.
Posted by: Snath at March 20, 2009 1:23 PM
Brain tumor. It explains his poor project selection and belief that he can act.
Not the response I was looking for but apropo nonetheless.
Posted by: The Pink Hulk at March 20, 2009 12:59 AM
DUDE! I just read that and it completely and totally freaked me out! I'm at work and can't access the Facebook right now (fuck you, Websense!) and I was reading your "wind beneath my wings" comment to my doppleganger, Giggles, and I thought, "that's weird, I'm pretty sure I put that exact same sentiment on Sarina's wall last night. OMG, maybe I only dreamt I did it." And then that freaked me out that you were scanning my brain or something. And THEN it turns out that Saripants had someone else SING THE VERY SAME SONG to her today. Whoa. That's all I can really say now. Whoa.
Also, it's entirely possible that I've had eleven times too much caffeine and/or sugar today...
Jay, don't be such a woman. I never said I refused to ever snuggle with you, but Jesus, there's a lot of pressure about it and that just makes me petulant and inclined to refuse out of spite. You know I'm skittish, so you can't just go around pushing all the time. The lovely Mr. Banner asked first, did you notice that? He didn't push me. Besides, I have fewer concerns regarding snuggling with him, as I know there won't be any messy or scary emotional entanglements, since I am lacking a certain... something... which is of significance to him in a relationship.
You are testing my very limited patience today, Jay. You are pushy as hell and you know it. At least I'm willing to admit I'm an overbearing and demanding little thing, and all I want is for you to do dirty things to me! I'm not the one pushing and shoving for scary, scary feelings to happen. You're like a human freight train sometimes, you know that? You can't tie a girl to the tracks, dude. You could coax her into standing there willingly if you're patient enough, but you gotta slow down the approach. You're terrifying.
I don't think that's a 'Shop job, though if it is it's a good one, because the shadow of the head matches the head.
Also, while she's reasonably racktacular in that dress (three words, ladies: Little. Black. Dress), the hair helmet just emphasizes the oversized jaw ... "Jaw"? Cue music: duh-DUN duh-DUN duh-DUN duh-DUN duh-DUN "You're gonna need a bigger boat ..."
However, just how anomalous are you, Sarina? Or are you not at all? Am I self-defeating? Is my sheepish cuddly cardigan love threatening to everybody? Should I be whispering sweet nothings like "you and me til the wheels fall off" or "I'll shake the paint off your walls"? Look at me! I can't back that up!
Whatever, TK. Anything over six feet is showing off.
And I have no idea how anomalous I am, Jay. I don't want to shock you or anything, but I generally have little regard for the feelings or opinions of others, so I usually don't pay a whole lot of attention. I think you should conduct a survey, and then get back to me about how normal or weird I am.
I have led and attended rallies trying to squash the harbinger of doom that is a flourishing movie career for the Queen of the Easter Island All Stars. Now you tell me that she is going to be the ShoWest Star of Tomorrow? Joining such "deserving" luminaries as Pia Zadora, Howie Long, Hayden Christenson, GRIECO!!!!, Jonathan Taylor Thomas (or JTT for those in the know) and my two favorite awards...Dane Cook as breakout star and M. Night Schmegegge as best director for Lady in the Water. As you can see, this is an award that really takes the time to make solid decisions in order not to look foolish.
The thing is this. This granite jawed bitch is on my radar. I thought it was the Goodyear blimp, but no it's her massive bean. I have to give crazy props to her publicist and ask why they chose that for their job. Apparently if someone can get Rumer Willis an award for acting, if they worked in medicine, they would probably have cured cancer. If they were in the car business, we'd have cars that run on air. You are wasting your obvious talents on the worst thing possible, for the worst person. For the love of all that is holy, please reconsider your place in the world and do something meaningful with your life.
I am now going to go beat myself unconscious and dream of a world where shit like this doesn't happen.
No, you're definitely a whole person. It just also happens you're one of the most impossible pains in the ass I've ever known. It is a testament to my fondness for you that I haven't given up and declared you dead to me.
You cannot seriously be completely unaware of the fact that you're one of the most unceasingly difficult people in the history of ever. God, dealing with you gives me some vague notion of how people must feel when they're forced to put up with me. Except, you know, I'm worse. But I'm cute, so I get away with pretty much anything, because people are suckers.
Yeah, because I would be sooooo inclined to expend vast amounts of effort to get you to do dirty things to me if I thought you were unattractive. That totally sounds like something I would do. I love work, and am not at all the laziest person I've ever met. I love work the most when it's for no reason!
Um, wasn't this better when it was called Jawbreaker?