Solomon Kane Trailer

Because Only Russia Can Handle James Purefoy

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (29)

Solomon Kane is an almost forgotten old pulp character from the thirties, invented by Robert E. Howard of “Conan the Barbarian” fame. Solomon bears a remarkable physical resemblance to the atrocious film version of Van Helsing committed like a hate crime by Hugh Jackman a few years back, except with the classic monsters and (hopefully) the dripping suck removed. He carries a rapier, flintlocks and even wears the same funky hat while fighting all manner of evil.

The back story is that good old Solomon was a badder than bad mercenary for Elizabeth I in the 16th century, but after meeting the grim reaper himself, reforms to Puritanism and wanders the world kicking evil’s ass. Little known fact: that’s the origin story for all the pilgrims too. “Mayflower” derives from the Dutch for “Vigilante Party Boat.”

So naturally in the systematic adaptation of every character scribbled down by anybody in the last century, they made a movie, landing James Purefoy, Max Von Sydow, Pete Postlethwaite, and Alice Krige for the project. It finished production in April … and now can’t find a distributor. So they did the only logical thing and decided to release it in Russia instead this December. The first trailer just hit the interwebs and other than the fact that it’s been dubbed into Russian, it looks kind of nifty.

Anyone want to translate? My Russian is weaker than a Saudi martini, but I think I caught “please,” “goodbye,” and “gosh that’s a big fire monster,” but that’s it.

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Comments

Little known fact: that’s the origin story for all the pilgrims too. “Mayflower” derives from the Dutch for “Vigilante Party Boat.”

You should copyright that, because that dear sir is a winning ticket.

Posted by: Jasper Buckleman at September 10, 2009 9:38 PM

'weaker than a Saudi Martini'

Gold SLW.

Probably a better line than the whole movie.

Posted by: scott at September 10, 2009 9:55 PM

Going off-topic here to state re: the new masthead: I like this graphic better than the last one. But you guys better have a lot of those things stashed. Good ones.

Posted by: Jerce at September 10, 2009 10:00 PM

I watched it with no sound and it was pretty good. I am curious about the two birds with hats though.

Posted by: Cindy at September 10, 2009 10:03 PM

The new masthead is a little Zombieland shout-out, eh? Loves it.

On topic: this couldn't be worse than Van Helsing. It just couldn't. I know, never say never.

Posted by: MM at September 10, 2009 10:06 PM

And on-topic: SLW, even when your columns are only three paragraphs and a dribble and are about nothing special, they make my evening measurably better.

Posted by: Jerce at September 10, 2009 10:06 PM

Yea, verily, it will suck.

But screw that, James Purefoy gets a lifetime pass for ROME.

I'll totally ~~watch~~ rent this!

Posted by: Soylent Green is Sheeple at September 10, 2009 10:20 PM

The Russian is your standard dialogue/narration for a movie like this. He starts off outlining his asskickery and how his soul is damned and if he ever steps off the path of righteousness (and down the path that ROCKS!) he's going right back to hell. Then the caravan dude asks if he needs a ride, and he's all "Yes please!"

Then they talk about big bad evil guy, who abducts people and enslaves the weak and turns the strong into fighters, and then the daughter of the caravan guy gets kidnapped, so he goes to rescue her.

Then he's all like "I can't kill these guys, I'll go to hell. Oh well, I can work with this." and then there are mysterious old guy voiceovers all like "Save the peasant cheerleader, save your soul!" and "Your entire life has been leading you to this exact moment!" and other usual stuff like that.

I'm too lazy to do an exact transcript, sorry.

Posted by: Nat at September 10, 2009 11:03 PM

Ohhh, the birds with hats are the best - the Plague Doctor uniform - beaklike masks to keep those airborne plague particles from invading the doctors' mucous membranes, hats and gloves and boots for further protection, and they carry a cane to knock the more desperate sickies away. Too creepy and bizarre to be fictional.

I'm so going to be a Plague Doctor for Halloween.

Posted by: jlo at September 10, 2009 11:34 PM

When the trailer showed Salomon Kane wearing that hat, it gave me a flashback to Van Helsing that was so visceral, my vision whited out for a sec. Damn movie traumatized me.

If I can get past how much this character looks like VH, I think this would be a decent rent. A couple monsters, James Purefoy, & Max Von Sydow - that all sounds pretty good.

Posted by: laurel at September 11, 2009 12:43 AM

I feel like if the pilgrims really were all damned Russians, we'd all be pilgrims right now.

Posted by: coryo at September 11, 2009 1:48 AM

Dubbing Purefoy should be punishable by flogging! Depriving the world of his snarky, oh-so cultured speach can bring no good, and in fact makes the sun cry. He should be speaking at all times. About anything.

Posted by: NoDice at September 11, 2009 3:07 AM

There was always something about Russian narrators and voice-overs that struck me as so goddamn dumb. Every single cheesy phrase from a cheesy trailer just sounds even worse. Maybe because Russian is a rich language, so when it's dumbed down, it sounds borderline retarded.

Good job translating, Nat.

They said Solomon like 80 times.

Posted by: commanderfunky at September 11, 2009 3:14 AM

I've seen the American trailer from ComicCon and, well, it looked glitzy enough. Kind of reminded me of Van Helsing mixed with Brotherhood of the Wolf but...considering the action, I'm surprised it hasn't found a pick up.

Posted by: Deistbrawler at September 11, 2009 4:48 AM

"Little known fact: that’s the origin story for all the pilgrims too. “Mayflower” derives from the Dutch for “Vigilante Party Boat.”"

Starting my graduate thesis using THIS premise immediately.

Posted by: dammitjanet at September 11, 2009 8:33 AM

Hot damn do I love Russian. It's a helluva language. From Nat's translation it does sound like a cheesy voice over with extra cheese on top, but whatever. I just like listening to it.

Posted by: Kiddo at September 11, 2009 9:04 AM

Solomon Kane: The Witcher!

Posted by: noah at September 11, 2009 10:34 AM

mixed with Brotherhood of the Wolf

Oh my God, Deist, have you seen that movie? I thought my husband and I were the only ones who'd ever seen Brotherhood of the Wolf; everytime we mention it in conversation (which, you know, is often) we get blank looks from others. I assumed we were the only two people on earth to have seen that horrible, crazy, yet oddly fascinating, movie.

If I were a breeder, I'd have your baby Deist.

Posted by: Kelly at September 11, 2009 11:20 AM

saw footage of this at Comic-Con. Sorry to burst your bubble, but it was pretty mediocre.

Posted by: Vi at September 11, 2009 11:54 AM

I guess my big question is: Is it worse than what Robert Jordan did to Conan?

Posted by: Ray at September 11, 2009 12:26 PM

Hmmm, I swear I hear someone say "evil army" at about 0:39.

Posted by: nutmeag at September 11, 2009 2:24 PM

Kelly
I actually saw it in theatres, then bought it on DVD.

Can I have your baby? Maybe?

Posted by: Deistbrawler at September 11, 2009 4:28 PM

I also saw Brotherhood of the Wolf in theaters and bought the DVD. I am so glad that I am not the only one. I knew I had found kindred spirits here in Pajibaland.

Posted by: androstarr at September 11, 2009 4:47 PM

I saw Brotherhood of the Wolf in theatres and then bought the DVD too! The lady at the ticketing office gravely informed us that the movie was *LE GASP* subtitled! and everything.

Posted by: Nat at September 11, 2009 4:55 PM

Holy shit - I am not letting my husband near you crazies. If he finds out how many of you own the Brotherhood of the Wolf DVD he'll drop me and start dating all of you.

Or - request the DVD for Christmas. Frankly, I'd rather have him date you all.

Deist - I'm a confirmed non-breeder. Sorry darling!

Posted by: Kelly at September 11, 2009 5:17 PM

Van Helsing actually stole the look of the character from Solomon Kane. Kane wore the floppy hat and somber clothes waayyyy before VH was made. I remember seeing the Van Helsing poster and saying to my wife, "Hey it's Solomon Kane." And for the record, I watched Brotherhood of the Wolf a few years ago and loved it (thought I was the only one as well)

Posted by: Jim at September 13, 2009 12:10 AM

Holy christ, Kelly! Sorry, I followed your link to your bloggy thing, and read about your dogs (so cute!), but I kinda stopped when you took the second dog to the park to eat ice cream. Sweet, but sad.

And now I don't think I'll ever take anyone up on an offer to go to the park to eat ice cream.

Posted by: noah at September 13, 2009 1:31 AM

I think the movie looks EVEN MORE badass now that it is dubbed in Russian. Gives a hard, cold feel to it.

I will break him.

Posted by: RichieRich at September 14, 2009 4:43 PM

"Solomon Kane is an almost forgotten old pulp character from the thirties"

Almost forgotten? The original 1920s stories are in print right now, across several volumes by different publishers. The comic adaptations have recently been reprinted in trade paperbacks. There's even a Kane RPG. Kane may not be the household name Conan is, but he's far from "almost forgotten."

Guys like Captain Future, G-8, Dr. Yen Sin - those are the sorts of guys that could be considered "almost forgotten."

Posted by: Al Harron at December 27, 2009 8:34 AM

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Because Only Russia Can Handle James Purefoy

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