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Sharks + Stephen Baldwin = Cinematic (Slightly Bloody) Wet Dream

Too Good to Be True / Dustin Rowles

Trailers | November 12, 2008 | Comments (35)

The good folks over at Cinematical dug up this little gem, a trailer for a movie called Sharks in Venice. Watching it, I initially thought it was a joke: Some strange mash-up of Stephen Baldwin movies and Discovery’s Shark Week. But no: It’s real. And it’s beautiful. Carnage. Stephen Baldwin. More Carnage! More Stephen Baldwin!

Is it my birthday?

Get this plot summary, from iMDB:

The seemingly tranquil waterways of Venice are terrorized by the perfect killing machine. In search of his father who has mysteriously disappeared diving in the city, David stumbles across the cryptic trail leading to the long-lost fortune of the Medici. As the unwitting pawn in a Mafia plot to recover the treasure, David’s girlfriend is kidnapped at gunpoint, plunging him into a desperate race against time. If he has any hope of saving her he must enter the deadly waters. Can David out-gun the Mafia assassins and survive the voracious sharks laying in wait beneath the surface, or will he succumb to the same fate as his father?

You’re sporting wood, aren’t you?

Danny Lerner, who already has two shark films under his belt, Raging Sharks (starring Corin Nemic from “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose”!) and Shark Zone, is directing. But this trailer, folks: It will be the best one minute and 36 seconds of your day. Mark my words. And if your workplace blocks YouTube, and you want to replicate the sensation that accompanies watching this trailer, go to the nearest bathroom, line the commode with thumb tacks, and then dive in head first from atop the stall door while pretending to be Stephen Baldwin.


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Comments

Hey, Dustin. Fix the link.

Posted by: Sofía at November 12, 2008 11:02 AM

Yeah, that shark doing the Shamu? Yeah, that's got to be the best animation I've ever seen.

Take fucking that, Kirk Cameron.

Posted by: Jay at November 12, 2008 11:12 AM

I wonder how much they had to pay for all that stock footage?

This:
The seemingly tranquil waterways of Venice are terrorized by the perfect killing machine.
is blatantly not true. A wise man taught us that the most dangerous animal in the world is a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Posted by: branded at November 12, 2008 11:13 AM

wow.
so this is what happens when you find religion. sharks attack venice.

nice.

Posted by: Jen Vegas at November 12, 2008 11:14 AM

At least Snakes on a Plane had Samuel L. motherfuckin' Jackson. How far has the stock of sharks fallen that they only rate Stephen Baldwin?

Posted by: Che Grovera at November 12, 2008 11:24 AM

It's like someone took three different terribly cliched movie ideas (mafia, sharks, hidden treasure) and morphed them into one single glorious movie. And then threw in Venice and a Baldwin! Genius!

My favorite part was when that gondola got annihilated. That's what you get for charging 80 euros an hour, fuck wads.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at November 12, 2008 11:24 AM

Poor Stephen Baldwin... he's the "Paris Hilton's Cho-Cho" of acting: Worn out and distended, still trying valiantly to do the job he was designed for. Then he fails spectacularly and just leaves goo everywhere.

Posted by: firedmyass at November 12, 2008 11:25 AM

You, now, what really does it for me is the split second view of Baldwin sniffing near the end of the clip, which I guess is supposed to make him look like he's about to do something bad-ass but makes me actually want to offer him a tissue.

Posted by: Deacon Blue at November 12, 2008 11:32 AM

My daughter is a shark movie connoisseur. She's seen practically every shark movie ever made.

After awhile, her favorite game became identifying the reused stock footage from movie to movie. She was really good for a little kid. We'll have to Netflix this one and see if she still has her shark skillz.

Posted by: Wednesday at November 12, 2008 11:32 AM

I like sharks.

I'm so tired.

Posted by: Julie at November 12, 2008 11:34 AM

I'm going to use that line on my kids.

"I'm going to kill you. And I'm going to enjoy it."

Posted by: wsapnin at November 12, 2008 11:34 AM

"Shark Zone" was awesomely bad. The sharks growled underwater. I will be Netflixing this immediately if not sooner. But nothing compares to the glorious "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon". I actually OWN that one. One of the funniest movies I've ever seen.

Posted by: TylerDFC at November 12, 2008 11:34 AM

BOOTY TRAPS!!

Posted by: Amelia Bedelia at November 12, 2008 11:41 AM

That? was so awesome, I had to watch it twice, even though now I'm going to be late-ish to work.

Posted by: MM at November 12, 2008 11:47 AM

Not Venice! Please! Is nothing sacred?

Posted by: Cindy at November 12, 2008 12:00 PM

So this movie has been on some studio's backburner since completion in 1992?

Looks like I've found a new excuse to buy handle of Jack and sit around getting drunk on a Thursday night.

"Every time a shark jumps out of the water or Stephen Baldwin smacks someone, take a drink."

Posted by: Macafee at November 12, 2008 12:29 PM

So this movie has been on some studio's backburner since completion in 1992?

Looks like I've found a new excuse to buy handle of Jack and sit around getting drunk on a Thursday night.

If I were to drink every time a shark jumps out of the water or Stephen Baldwin smacks someone, that bottle would be gone by the end of the trailer.

Posted by: Macafee at November 12, 2008 12:30 PM

Shit, I just watched that and now my brain is oozing out of my ear.

Posted by: Lindsay at November 12, 2008 12:33 PM

SHARKS IN VENICE??? SHARKS IN VENICE?
oh god, i'm weeping like a girl that gets her unicorn for christmas! u see??? it's only been a week and things just keep getting better and better!
now I have to leave and kiss everyone I meet on the mouth...
...sharks in venice....

Posted by: rio at November 12, 2008 12:37 PM

This douche lives in my town and it takes every shred of my existence not to run him over with my car. What happened after Ususal Suspects?

Posted by: Brendan at November 12, 2008 12:37 PM

Mmm, I'll have to see if it can live up to the "Deep Blue Sea"-level of hilarious awfulness. But put me down for a saturday morning hangover viewing!

Posted by: Pants at November 12, 2008 12:46 PM

AH HA HA HA HA HA! Oh, if that ever comes on the TV, I just might have to watch it. At least some of it.

Posted by: tamatha at November 12, 2008 1:11 PM

I'm looking at the picture at the top and I am laughing so hard. The ONLY decent part about Strange Wilderness was that scene repeated over and over with that stupid laugh.

Posted by: Snath at November 12, 2008 1:28 PM

This is like Christmas and Easter crammed onto celluloid. Happy Chreastermas everybody!

Posted by: popejenn at November 12, 2008 1:37 PM

A wise man taught us that the most dangerous animal in the world is a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see. Posted by: branded

I seriously just hiccup-laughed. Godtopus bless Jack Handey and his amazing mind.

Posted by: popejenn at November 12, 2008 1:42 PM

AH HA HA HA HA HA! Oh, if that ever comes on the TV, I just might have to watch it. At least some of it.

Oh tamatha...it will be on the Sci-Fi channel on December 14th. Mark your calendar!!!

Posted by: krixsie at November 12, 2008 2:05 PM

That was delightful. Maybe for the sequel, they can have Sharks in Venice 2....where they have it in California, they teach the shark to roller skate, get henna tattoos and buy a t-shirt of Bart Simpson as Che.

Not since Hard Ticket to Hawaii has there been an animal film that has tickled me in this way.

Posted by: Rubble44 at November 12, 2008 4:03 PM

Now this is an offer I can't refuse.

GET IT BECAUSE THEY'RE ITALIAN AND IT'S THE MOB.

Posted by: Lucas at November 12, 2008 5:55 PM

The Medicis ruled Florence, not Venice.

And I'm sure that will be the only inaccuracy in this movie.

Posted by: louveciennes at November 12, 2008 6:00 PM

unicorns for christmas, indeed.

could this be, like, the greatest thing ever?!?!?

it's like a 'Deep Blue Anaconda', just for me and my funny.

Winning!

Posted by: Soylent Green is Sheeple at November 12, 2008 6:25 PM

I've never heard of Parker Lewis Can't Lose, but I know Corin Nemec because he was on Stargate. WHO'S THE DORK NOW?!?

Posted by: stipe42 at November 12, 2008 10:22 PM

Ehhh, Parker Lewis is more age than dork level. You probably just weren't around then. It was basically a remake of Ferris Bueller as a TV show...but then there was a Ferris Bueller show.

Yeah, things got pretty stupid. I still think "Flying Blind" was good though.

Posted by: Jay at November 12, 2008 10:41 PM

Hey, I'm catching up, I was out playing team trivia.

Who's the dork now?

(We lost, horribly, and thus my antipasta salad will not be free next time. But that friggin team that was suddenly made up of 20 people this time is gonna find that the $30 prize don't go too far. Suck it, young turks!)

Posted by: Jay at November 12, 2008 10:48 PM

People who use the word commode and aren't soldiers need to fucking kill themselves. So pretentiously un-fucking cool.

Posted by: ben (thpbt) at November 13, 2008 4:52 AM

With a great deal of shame and a smattering of ill-placed pride I admit that I have an unhealthy fascination with Mr. Stephen Baldwin. Maybe it was his cockiness or perhaps it was just those weird, australian shepherd-like blue eyes that sealed the deal. I'm not sure.

Even though he had me at Bio Dome, my Baldwin curiousness waned a bit during the late 90's. My newfound obsession started when he got all Jesusy. That's like catnip to me. I loves me some crazy Jebus Warriors.

Posted by: monkeyhateclean at November 13, 2008 4:18 PM