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The Head. Cut Off the Head

It's the Only Way to Prevent Nic Cage from Making More Movies / Dustin Rowles

Trailers | October 22, 2009 | Comments (23)

If you haven’t heard of Season of the Witch, you’re in good company. It’s one of the 4,312 movies that Nic Cage is scheduled to be in between now and next June. It’s about a group of 14th-century knights who transport a suspected witch to a monastery, where monks deduce that her powers could be the source of the Black Plague. And if we’ve learned one thing from Ricky Gervais’ The Invention of Lying, it’s that the 14th century is a terrible century to set a movie.

It doesn’t help that this comes from Dominic Sena (Whiteout, Swordfish), whose only talent is flashy trailers and the promise of Halle Berry’s boobs. Halle Berry, however, doesn’t appear in Season of the Witch, so I’m afraid the best you’re going to get is probably a shirtless Ron Perlman.

Here’s a 30-second teaser trailer for a movie set to be released next spring. They debuted it this week, in the hopes of cashing in on the Halloween holiday, suggesting that “Halloween is for Amateurs … See you next Spring.” Right, because when I think Spring and Easter and opening day of baseball season and tulips, I always think of terrifying Nic Cage films.



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Comments

You had to know this was coming:

"How do you know she is a witch?"

"She turned me into a newt."

"A newt?"

" ......................... I got better."

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at October 22, 2009 10:02 AM

I can deal with Nic Cage as long as he doesn't talk too much and is chopping evil witch's heads off. Looks like good, clean fun.

Posted by: Jarsh at October 22, 2009 10:07 AM

It's that drawl. The Nic Cage Twang(tm). God it repulses me. What 14th century knight would have that accent? Ass.

Posted by: malikvlc at October 22, 2009 10:11 AM

I'm hoping this has the Stone Coyotes' song of the same name in it, but I'm sure I'll be disappointed in exactly the same way that I am disappointed when I go to see Wicked and it doesn't have the Ice Cube song of the same name in it.

Posted by: Eep at October 22, 2009 10:16 AM

Cut Nic Cage a little slack. Poor fella was recently bankrupted by a corrupt manager. He makes these movie cuz he needs the cash.

Posted by: B-Unit at October 22, 2009 10:29 AM

Well, we did do the nose.
The nose?
And the Hat. But she's a witch..............She has got a wart.

Posted by: PaddyDog at October 22, 2009 10:33 AM

The preview looks like maybe it has some potential, but then again, that 30 seconds might just be all of the good parts of the movie. The only time I think "terrifying" and "Nic Cage" belong in the same sentence is if you are referring to his being "terrifyingly boring" or his "terrifyingly bad acting."

Posted by: Peachfish at October 22, 2009 10:41 AM

Churches! Very small rocks!

Posted by: Sean at October 22, 2009 10:45 AM

Who has the large scales? That way we can conclusively determine if Nic Cage's acting abilities weigh the same as a duck.

Posted by: branded at October 22, 2009 10:48 AM

So...if she weighs the same as a duck...she's made of wood....

And therefore?

...

...A WITCH!!!

"It's a fair cop"

Posted by: Cat at October 22, 2009 10:53 AM

Or we could drown him and if he sinks he's a better actor than we thought we was.

Posted by: PaddyDog at October 22, 2009 10:54 AM

"Don't look at the camera!"

-Ralphie

Posted by: Ralphie at October 22, 2009 11:13 AM

My day is bad enough without this kind of nonsense.

Posted by: Cindy at October 22, 2009 12:17 PM

If this movie doesn't revolve around little bits of stonehenge killing trick-or-treaters with latex masks full of bugs, I don't give a shit.

Halloween in February can fuck right off as well. I like the Saw movies well enough but I hate them for scaring off all the legitimate Halloween season films.

Posted by: laredo at October 22, 2009 12:52 PM

We need to figure out what the hell Nicolas Cage has on...everyone in Hollywood. Do you think that Coppola, being his uncle and probably running his own mafia, has threatened everyone in Hollywood with horses in their beds if they don't give Cage a role? It worked with Johnny Fontaine, you know.

Posted by: figgy at October 22, 2009 1:55 PM

Wickerman 2. Tagline: "I'll teach you bitches witches to burn me!"

Posted by: ThunderSacTriumph at October 22, 2009 2:12 PM

The only time I think "terrifying" and "Nic Cage" belong in the same sentence is if you are referring to his being "terrifyingly boring" or his "terrifyingly bad acting."

Clearly you missed his hair in Ghost Rider. Shit was scary.

Posted by: figgy at October 22, 2009 2:45 PM

Wasn't that title already taken by Halloween 3?

Posted by: ehass at October 22, 2009 3:41 PM

Hey guys...come on now...at least he didn't try to fake an accent.

Can you imagine how bad that would be?

Posted by: DeistBrawler at October 22, 2009 4:50 PM

So, could I cast Nic Cage in my 15 minute independent short movie? We have no budget, but I can buy him some pizza (he has to share, though. I'm not made of pizza). It seems like that's all it takes to get him to be in any piece of shit movie.

Posted by: Daniel Hall at October 22, 2009 7:59 PM

Who cares!!! My boyfriend also agrees with me. He is 10 years older than me, lol. We met online at age-gap club -- http://AgelessOnly.COM/. Maybe you wanna check out or tell your friends.

Posted by: Helen at October 23, 2009 1:15 AM

Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

Posted by: Lainie at October 23, 2009 10:50 AM

As a historian, I can say that this was exactly what the 14th century was like. You got it, Mr. Cage.

Posted by: Maggie Moon at October 23, 2009 7:50 PM





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