Remember way back last year, when we reported that they’d be making a sequel to Donnie Darko, only Richard Kelly wouldn’t be involved? Here is what we wrote at the time:
OK: Put your heads together, and think real hard: If you had to pick the one cult classic that would make for the absolute worst film to sequelize, what would it be? No no, besides Harold and Maude. If you said Donnie Darko, you win one free trip to sequel hell, courtesy of Velvet Octopus, a British-based studio that doesn’t give a shit about the sanctity of cult cinema. Indeed, the only thing that makes even less sense than Richard Kelly’s abysmally nonsensical Southland Tales is this sequel, S. Darko, which will pick up seven years after the original and follow the life of Donnie’s sister, Samantha. Daviegh Chase, who now plays the creepy Rhonda Volmer in “Big Love,” will reprise her role as Samantha, while Justin Chatwin (Chumscrubber) and Brianna Evigan will also join the cast (and yes: Brianna is the daughter of Greg, who three of you may remember as one of the two dads — along with Paul Reiser — in the seminal 1980s sitcom, “My Two Dads.” Fact: “My Two Dads” was Annie Proulx’s major influence when writing the short story “Brokeback Mountain.”) Richard Kelly, who told the WaPo in 2004 that “there will never be a sequel to Donnie Darko,” will now have to eat his words, though he has absolutely no involvement in the project. Moreover, Donnie is not in the film, though meteorites and rabbits do play a role in the sequel (as does disappointment, rage, and anger). Chris Fisher (Nightstalker) is directing; and for those of you hoping this is just a mean, vicious rumor released to give movie websites something to talk about this week, know this: This motherfucker is real.
It’s not only real, but now it’s headed straight to DVD! It’s the small victories, people. It’ll hit Netflix in April, which is when it’s set to be completely ignored by anyone with a shred of common sense (that won’t include us). In the meantime, here’s the trailer, in case you needed to work up a little bile this afternoon.
It's a small victory that I'll get blind, stinkin' drunk too, either way.
Hell, I'd get blind, stinkin' drunk if it was being released.
Or if you stayed silent.
...
Posted by: Jim at February 4, 2009 5:23 PM
That trailer made it seem like they're just reworking the original from a different angle and character. Are they ignoring that she's how many years older at this point?
Posted by: Snath at February 4, 2009 5:28 PM
I'm more incensed about this madness about a "Bonnie & Clyde" remake starring Hilary fucking Duff. And she's slinging shit at Faye Dunaway in the press. Really.
Posted by: TylerDFC at February 4, 2009 5:29 PM
Fact: "My Two Dads" was Annie Proulx's major influence when writing the short story "Brokeback Mountain."
[slow clap]
I think you broke the sarcasm meter.
Posted by: stipe42 at February 4, 2009 5:30 PM
For the life of me I still don't know what the fuck that film's about.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 4, 2009 5:30 PM
It looks like a fake trailer (not saying it is) because there isn't a shred of new video or audio in it. I recognized every bit from the original.
Posted by: Alan at February 4, 2009 5:31 PM
Samantha Fucking Darko what the hell??
Fuck. I hate these gobshites. Fuck
Posted by: catag at February 4, 2009 5:31 PM
The important question no one's asking here is, Is Samantha still committed to Sparkle Motion??
Posted by: Melissa at February 4, 2009 5:39 PM
Are they going to produce a haunting cover of a surreal eighties song? Gears of War 3 isn't going to market itself in 2011.
Posted by: stipe42 at February 4, 2009 5:44 PM
Melissa: I doubt it.
Posted by: Snath at February 4, 2009 5:46 PM
Frankly, stipe, after Gears 2 I don't think they need any marketing at all. That game is absolutely breathtaking.
Posted by: Snath at February 4, 2009 5:47 PM
Snath, bless you for that.
Posted by: Melissa at February 4, 2009 5:49 PM
Maybe this one won't suck and will make some semblance of sense?
I don't think all movies have to make complete sense. Suicide Circle is intentionally nonsensical as a method of social commentary and it kicks ass. My issue with Donnie Darko is that everyone involved in the production really believes they created something profound and brilliant and if you spend enough money and buy the theatrical and director's cuts, you too can understand the mysterious of Donnie Darko. They have their heads so far up their asses they physically couldn't pull them out to make a sequel if they wanted to; hence a different production company.
Cult classic my ass. Give me an unauthorized sequel to A Bucket of Blood and then I'll get pissy. Not for this trash.
Brianna is the daughter of Greg, who three of you may remember as one of the two dads -- along with Paul Reiser -- in the seminal 1980s sitcom, "My Two Dads."
More importantly, I believe Greg was the titular Blow Job in "B.J. and the Bear."
Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at February 4, 2009 5:59 PM
It just seems so...producty and destined to be on the Clearance Cap at Hot Topic......
Posted by: Stacy D at February 4, 2009 6:05 PM
This makes me ill. I really love this film and the director's cut didn't diminish that. Who cares WHY they made it or what their story was SUPPOSED to be about; I loved watching it and that's all that matters to me. Forget about the commentary and just enjoy it, that's what I think. The story itself is complex, mysterious, and emotionally charged regardless of the intentions of the director.
On another note, I have to be honest and admit that I kind of liked Southland Tales. I thought it was fun and weird and interesting. Call me crazy.
Posted by: tt_marie at February 4, 2009 6:08 PM
I absolutely adore Donnie Darko, and am unapologetic about that. BUT, I've also heard that watching the Director's Cut, or listening to the commentary, completely shits on the movie and destroys much of its surrealist mystery. Some things are best left as they were.
And some things are also best left without a fucking shitass Limey-produced sequel.
Oooh, they filmed a bottle breaking -- in reverse! It's the next step in cinematic revolution. You stupid cocks.
Posted by: TK at February 4, 2009 6:10 PM
BTW, somebody should review Donnie Darko b/c 1) I'd love to read the review and 2) it would spark some fun discussion. People have strong opinions about the film - while it just had a strong cult following for a while, it's gotten more mainstream and so I've seen quite a bit of backlash. Would be fun to fight about it :)
Posted by: tt_marie at February 4, 2009 6:12 PM
All right Dustin, you've convinced me, the world will end in 2012. But that's not nearly soon enough. This could be the worst year for movies ever at this rate. Fuck the universe.
Posted by: George at February 4, 2009 6:31 PM
It worries me that they say "A Donnie Darko Tale" like there will be more of these. Also, I accidentally started the trailer the same time "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe" came up on my playlist - hilarious.
Posted by: LB at February 4, 2009 6:34 PM
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD DAMN IT THAT LOOKS FUCKING AWFUL AND RIDICULOUS!!!! WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE STUDIO CLOWN ASSHOLES?!?!?!?!?!?!!
Posted by: Audiosuede at February 4, 2009 6:51 PM
Tekwar, baby. Tekwar.
But I digress.
Posted by: CatBallou at February 4, 2009 7:10 PM
stipe42: Actually, it looks like Sparkle Motion is a central part of the plot. Which speaks volumes about the plot.
Posted by: Holfax at February 4, 2009 7:15 PM
The existence of this remake makes my soul hurt.
Posted by: Lindsay at February 4, 2009 7:59 PM
This film makes negative amounts of sense.
Posted by: Lauren at February 4, 2009 8:18 PM
Love Gears 2, Snathy. But really Southland Tales was just boring. It was too confusing and so much was going on that it was completely inaccessible. That said, I'm happy to see Kevin Smith of my tv screen.
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at February 4, 2009 9:22 PM
the fact that they show absolutely no new scenes, and all the text in the promo could easily be done by anyone with half a brain makes me skeptical as to how real this movie is. Pajiba i accuse you of going in on a really shitty hoax
Posted by: jimmy jammy at February 4, 2009 9:23 PM
That game is absolutely breathtaking.
*weeping*
As it sits on my shelf, totally unplayed for seven weeks, because of the RRoD and Microsofts sometimes shitty repair times.
GAAAAAAAAAAAAATES!
Posted by: admin at February 4, 2009 9:39 PM
Well, I can't get GoW for the PS3... but then again, I also can't get the RRoD.
So, there's that.
Sucker.
Posted by: TK at February 4, 2009 10:01 PM
Seriously, "Garden State" and "Napoleon Dynamite" never really suffered blows like this. They just unsatisfyingly faded away. Seeing the other oppressor get hit like this really brightens my day.
I have a PS3 in addition to my 360. Unfortunately the games aren't as good or as plentiful and the controller sucks ass.
I do likes my Blu-ray though.
Posted by: admin at February 4, 2009 10:28 PM
Huh.
1) I didn't know there was that much negativity towards DD. I thought everyone who had seen it that I knew, loved it. I know I did. I certainly had no idea it had so much hate here, or that it had gone mainstream somehow. Granted, I never saw any commentary or director's cut, or even seen the movie since its release on screens. But watching the movie in the theaters, with friends, however many years ago... I thought it was great.
2) "Titular Blow Job". Wa ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Posted by: karstark at February 4, 2009 10:38 PM
I happen to love Southland Tales. I have also spent a good 100 hours analyzing the book of Revelations prior to watching. I couldn't say that kind of investment in required, but I thought that it was a great treatment of the 25% of the lunacy depicted in the last book of the Bible.
I was really looking forward to S. Darko. I thought they could have taken more of a "Harvey" angle with the bunny as some sort of demented pooka-guardian. I realize that "de-mystifying" Donnie Darko may ruin the sequel for me in the first ten minutes, but of all the loonies in Big Love, Rhonda is the worst. At least Richard Kelly isn't the one de-mystifying. Queuing now despite my better judgment.
Posted by: Jackseppelin at February 4, 2009 10:44 PM
Actually, karstark, I'd be surprised if there was anyone else in the world but me bearing a grudge.
Jackseppelin, I loved Southland Tales. Because The Rock is a pimp.
Mmm. This S Darko just looks like someone took clips from the original and reworked it a little. Is it a joke?
Posted by: Peecat at February 5, 2009 4:10 AM
Count me amongst the minority that love Southland Tales. In fact, I just bought my 5th copy yesterday, after giving away copies to other people who love it.
Posted by: Shane at February 5, 2009 5:07 AM
Gears of War 2? What's that? I doubt it's nearly as cool as my WeSkii, I'll tell you that. In the same way that Meagan Fox isn't nearly as hot as Paris Hilton. Or that Jason Statham isn't nearly as cool as Ben Affleck.
Posted by: Xtreme at February 5, 2009 10:00 AM
But, admin, Little Big Planet is freaking awesome. Most fun I've had dying over and over and over again ever. (And watching nearly Mr. Kizzer and his male cousins play dress up with their sack boys and girls is pretty fantastic too.)
That's about it for cool games though.
Posted by: Kizzer at February 5, 2009 10:20 AM
Just. No. If I was stuck on a plane for 20 hours and this was the only movie showing I still wouldn't watch this garbage. Looking forward to the review though. It's gonna be good.
Posted by: Jim at February 5, 2009 2:24 PM
Are you sure they made an actual movie? Because that trailer is almost entirely composed of clips from the original.
Posted by: louveciennes at February 5, 2009 4:49 PM
What was the bunny's name? Frank? I walked to an LA bar called La Poubelle on mushrooms one time and I ended up drinking and talking and smoking with the actor that "played" the bunny until well after the bar closed. He was friends with the people that worked there or something.
Posted by: Amanda at February 5, 2009 4:53 PM
In the quiet words of figure skater Nancy Kerrigan; "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!? "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?
Posted by: bleujayone at February 5, 2009 9:28 PM
Well, Lost Boys 2 and WarGames 2 will have a new friend on the "List of Straight-to-DVD sequels to never be watched by any of humanity".
Posted by: Palla at February 6, 2009 11:48 AM
Daviegh Chase. I want to punch that twat in the ovaries every time I see her on Big Love. Now you've given me two more reasons to hate. What kind of parents name a kid Daviegh? She's one step detached from the wacky tabacky hippie commune and one step immersed in the wicked creepy polygamous communes.
Now she's hell bent on destroying the good name of Donny Darko? I hope the movie ends with Frank the Rabbit pulling her still beating heart from her chest, full on Aztec style. That's the only way I can see of salvaging this offense.
Brazen hussy.
Posted by: Leigh Hacksaw at February 6, 2009 1:54 PM
And the dude from Twilight is in this. Obviously, the gods are punishing us.
Posted by: Lauralyn at February 7, 2009 6:47 PM
I will mass copy this movie when it comes out. I will mass copy it, and distribute it for free amongst the unsuspecting masses. I will tell them to pass it along once they've seen it, thus chipping away at any profit the production team hopes to make. I will do this for 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds.
Posted by: Jared at February 9, 2009 8:49 PM
Video ads popping up after each page view? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
It's a small victory that I'll get blind, stinkin' drunk too, either way.
Hell, I'd get blind, stinkin' drunk if it was being released.
Or if you stayed silent.
...