web counter
 

Rock of Ages Trailer: Tom Cruise as a Metal Rocker? It's So Much Worse Than You Imagine

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (60)

RockofAges-Akerman-bra.jpg

When you pictured the guy who directed Hairspray taking on the Broadway hit, Rock of Ages, and translating into onto the big screen with Tom Cruise as the aging icon rocker, Catherine Zeta Jones as the evangelical nutjob, and Alec Baldwin as the sleazy (sleazier?) version of Alec Baldwin, and Russell Brand as the obnoxious 80’s version of himself, I’m sure you didn’t have high hopes. But picture how bad it could be, then multiply that by ten, divide it by Andrew Lloyd Webber, slap it with the back of your hand, and then crush it on your forehead. That’s how bad Rock of Ages looks.

Yes. I’m serious.

But then they busted out the Starship song. I AM POWERLESS.

Rock of Ages is going to be terrible, just flat out awful. But I have a feeling it’s going to be terrible in ALL the right ways.









Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance

← 6 Television Professionals Who Are Impressively Bad at Their Jobs | 5 Shows After Dark 12/13/11 →









Comments

No. Never. Gross.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at December 13, 2011 3:13 PM

Yeah I'm gonna watch this.

Posted by: Katie at December 13, 2011 3:15 PM

I'm pretty sure one can only divide by Andrew Lloyd Webber if one is using some sort of series. His shows are, after all, the same three songs repeated over and over for two hours. Ok the analogy may not actually work but my main point is, write a few catchy songs, find a great lyricist and suddenly you too can be an entertainment legend!

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at December 13, 2011 3:16 PM

By god i love this. If only for the needless monkey reaction shot.

Posted by: thesmedt at December 13, 2011 3:17 PM

I hated all of that music when it was new. I hate it more now.

Posted by: mswas at December 13, 2011 3:21 PM

Make it go away. Make it go away. Make it go away. Make it go away.

Posted by: MonkeyHateClean at December 13, 2011 3:21 PM

That header pic totally looks like someone is about to get their weenie bit off.

Is this a zombie movie?

Posted by: MRod at December 13, 2011 3:23 PM

Ew. Just... ew.

Posted by: Agent 355 at December 13, 2011 3:23 PM

To quote Pinky McLadybits:

No. Never. Gross.

Posted by: the other courtney at December 13, 2011 3:27 PM

imma need a lot of coke. but, sure.

Posted by: gp at December 13, 2011 3:32 PM

barf x's a bajillion.

Posted by: beet salad at December 13, 2011 3:32 PM

Finally, a movie for kids to see with their parents... that they'll both love. Dicks!

Posted by: Asvetic at December 13, 2011 3:36 PM

What a horribleness that's going to be. *shudder*

Posted by: ChickaBoom! at December 13, 2011 3:43 PM

You lost me at "From the director of Hairspray..."

Posted by: Rob at December 13, 2011 3:58 PM

shitfuck where do I begin? It looks awful, and not in a good way. It looks like they decided to ham it up as they made it, thinking it would be 'so bad it's cool' but no, it just looks bad. It reminds me of those lame 70s movies like 'Times Square' and 'Thank God It's Friday'. Which were fine when I was 14 but I now I'm not I can't see myself paying to see this.

And don't Cruise's tattooed wings a little small? Or maybe that's the point, and it's a comedy? It has to be... how else to explain the sound effects as he autographed her boobs? At least they didn't cast Will Ferrell...

Posted by: Nick at December 13, 2011 4:02 PM

....And don't Cruise's tattooed wings SEEM a little small?....

Posted by: Nick at December 13, 2011 4:03 PM

*taps foot* waits for Robert to weigh in.

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at December 13, 2011 4:05 PM

Sat in stunned silence after that trailer, searching for an immediately witty comment to disguise my utter astonishment. I've only read 8 comments before writing this, & don't know how many more have shown up before posting, so ..

Joking about the imminent release of this all-star embarrassment is terribly inappropriate, akin to joking about Gingrich possibly being a presidential nominee, or doing a 'humorous' imitation of Glen Campbell's eventual deterioration from Alzheimer's.

Neither of those prospects are anything to joke about, and I guess I add 'Rock of Ages' to that list.

Some subjects transcend being merely unfunny - they're just plain inappropriate to make the attempt, some moreso than others.

Posted by: special snowflake at December 13, 2011 4:07 PM

To be fair, Nick, everything about Cruise seems a little small.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at December 13, 2011 4:17 PM

There's just not enough weed in the world to get me to sit still for this Zeta-Jones fest. Cruise aside, that chick ruins fucking EVERYthing.

Posted by: klingonfree at December 13, 2011 4:30 PM

I'm not paying to see it, but when I'm home with the Netflix and some booze? hell yea bitches. But I'm the right kind of 80s girl to think agree that it'll be SO bad in all the good ways. Kind of Cutting Edge bad.

Posted by: lilianna28 at December 13, 2011 4:41 PM

"But then they busted out the Starship song. I AM POWERLESS."

"Rock of Ages is going to be terrible, just flat out awful. But I have a feeling it’s going to be terrible in ALL the right ways. "

I have nothing to add.
~~~

Posted by: Meander at December 13, 2011 4:54 PM

Baldwin is the only one in on the joke.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 13, 2011 5:02 PM

OMG, Catherine Zeta-Jones, I am so there.

Posted by: Samantha at December 13, 2011 5:08 PM

my future guilty pleasure! i can't wait!!!

Posted by: carrie at December 13, 2011 5:22 PM

I hated all of that music when it was new. I hate it more now.

I have some lingering nostalgia for that music and for that reason alone (though there are many, many more) I will avoid this like the plague.

Posted by: Louise at December 13, 2011 5:32 PM

I think my face may permanently be stuck in "someone farted in my mouth" mode from watching that. Also, Alec Baldwin. I have never heard someone say the word "dude" so unconvincingly in my entire life. And I've heard my mom say it.

Posted by: CW at December 13, 2011 5:51 PM

What the fuck, Paul Giamatti? Why are you doing this to me?

Posted by: mona sterling at December 13, 2011 6:02 PM

Seems like the kind of thing that would only work on stage, if at all. If you had pitched it as a movie BEFORE it was a hit show...

"Right, so there's barely a plot, right? But there's LOTS of karaoke versions of cheesy '80s rock that has not aged well, but is incredibly kitsch...Journey, Starship, stuff like that. The greats."

...you would've been laughed out of the room and possibly had a stapler thrown at you for being stupid.

Posted by: Arran at December 13, 2011 6:07 PM

Oh for fuck sake. Attention Pajiban posters. Could we please only link to the studio-approved trailers? I'm tired of clicking and getting the "copyright infringement" message.

Since I can't actually watch the trailer, my only response can be: Hasn't this been made already? It was called Spinal Tap.

Posted by: NateS1973 at December 13, 2011 6:57 PM

The stage show was fantastic fun. The audience got involved, the casts were always unbelievably talented, and everybody was there to join in and have a good time. That can't translate to film. I mean, I was worried based off of the cast already. They're either untalented, or in terribly miscasted roles. But when you can't bring us in to laugh at the outrageousness of the whole thing with the cast, the magic is gone by default. This will be horrible, and no fun at all. It will just be embarrassing.

Posted by: A-schaef at December 13, 2011 7:12 PM

"Since I can't actually watch the trailer, my only response can be: Hasn't this been made already? It was called Spinal Tap." Exactly. That was funny. This, with that cast, cannot by definition be funny. It can be awkward, lame, and so very pointless. I like cheesy. This isn't even cheese. Will not be watching.

Posted by: Laura at December 13, 2011 7:58 PM

There's not enough schnapps, food and bile in the known universe for any one human being to vomit as much as the mere idea of this movie demands.

Posted by: Johnnyboy at December 13, 2011 8:03 PM

It looks like your uncool relatives and their friends trying to do an episode of Glee.

Posted by: Shane at December 13, 2011 8:59 PM

Was that Mary J. Blige? Noooooooooo

Posted by: jzhz at December 13, 2011 9:13 PM

To quote gp:

imma need a lot of coke. but, sure.

Also, this:
You lost me at "From the director of Hairspray..."
That just got you fired, Rob.

Fired from LIFE.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at December 13, 2011 9:17 PM

Oh my god this looks fucking awful...and I am totally gonna see it. Yessss!

Posted by: TurnipTheRadio at December 13, 2011 9:18 PM

WAIT. I take it back, Rob. I thought it was Waters, and I was all "!!!!!"

But then the other, more horrible thought occurred to me and I checked IMDB and it turns out I was mistaken. You are UNFIRED, sir. With my sincerest apologies.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at December 13, 2011 9:21 PM

Good God, that was the most horrible trailer I have seen in years. That was the opposite of entertainment.

I lived through that shit once--no way on Earth I would put myself through hours of bad imitations of shit that was bad to begin with. Who thought this was a good idea?

Posted by: Jerce at December 13, 2011 9:25 PM

If they put on a really good show, they might make Regionals!

Posted by: Uriah Creep at December 13, 2011 9:29 PM

I didn't think it was possible for anything to look that bad. I thought it was a SNL digital short, not a preview for a real movie.

Posted by: Sean at December 13, 2011 9:34 PM

Oh, God, no. Please, no.

Posted by: PDamian at December 13, 2011 9:46 PM

I saw this on Broadway and it was AMAZING. Everything that made it cheesetastic and great has been sucked out. And casting Tom Cruise, WTF?! The only accurate casting is Russell Brand and Alec Baldwin's characters because the stage guys were just like that. This version is too slick and takes itself too seriously. See it off Broadway and buy the cast album. So much fun. This film is disgusting.

Posted by: scorzi at December 13, 2011 9:52 PM

Who was conscious while they made this.

Posted by: grace b at December 13, 2011 10:14 PM

My love for this trailer is immoderate, immodest and inappropriate. I've watched it like 10 times already and each time my enjoyment increases. Obviously this is an unfortunate situation and I clearly need some sort of help.

Posted by: Az at December 13, 2011 10:53 PM

kill it with fire

Posted by: maxwell at December 13, 2011 11:02 PM

Is Tom Cruise gonna "surprise" everyone at the Grammys ( or whatever the fuck it was) with a Stacy Jax number.

I can hardly wait

Posted by: kirbyjay at December 13, 2011 11:15 PM

This is the music of my youth and my 14yo daughter is into it thanks to shit like Glee. While seeing it on stage tickles me as an idea, this is likely to suck goat balls.

That said, aforementioned 14yo daughter is a sucker for musicals/stageshows, so I will not entirely reluctantly accompany her to see it.

And hey, I'm dragging her along to Handel's Messiah this weekend, so, quid pro quo y'know.

Posted by: trib at December 14, 2011 2:26 AM

Broadway rock and roll

Oxymoron

Posted by: , at December 14, 2011 4:13 AM

Starship? You mean Night Ranger?

Night Ranger? They wish they were Starship. That trailer was as shitty as the music is pretends to be glorifying, as shitty as the trends the music inspired, like mile-high hair and makeup on dudes. And black and yellow striped spandex. They're all just weak-tea copies of Van Halen, just around the time the rest of the world was realizing what a douche David Lee was. It's completely apropos that the trailer ends with Quiet Riot. The shittiest of shitty 80's non-rock.

You know, this is actually the perfect tribute to the shitty shitty shit that was 80's pop music. Yes, it was all pop music. Pop = Popular, remember? Yes, your beloved hair band shitty shitty shit music wasn't rock or metal or anything but pop. Suck it.

Seeing as the majority of these bands and the era the movie is trying to cover, sucked ass, it's completely fitting that the movie does too, and with the same forced and fallacious intensity. It's why porn sucks - you can tell they're not into it, that it's just for the money. Throw on top of all of that, the fact that it's also a shitty musical, with not just rock songs woven into it, but shitty shitty show tunes strewn throughout, like a ribbon of blood in your poop the day after eating Mexican food.

Posted by: Protoguy at December 14, 2011 4:17 AM

ps.. you can tell the state of popular music that this era's music is being brought out as somehow nostalgic and cool. Ironically like 60's music was in the 80's.

Posted by: Protoguy at December 14, 2011 4:21 AM

My ex-boyfriend is really gonna want to see this. I am so grateful I broke up with him already.

Posted by: Cletus at December 14, 2011 7:02 AM

Eh, I'll probably watch it, even if it's just to play my favorite game "Spot the SYTYCD Alum"...

Posted by: PP Matter at December 14, 2011 9:01 AM

Baldwin looks like he's reading cue cards ala SNL.

Dump on him for his politics? No. Everyone is entitled to their opinion

Dump on him for fighting with his ex-wife? No. Personal business and some ex-wives are whack a doodle

Dump on him for calling his daughter a selfish pig? No. Sometimes kids are selfish pigs

Dump on him for playing Words With Friends on an airplane? No. Sometimes you just get sick of waiting on these fucken airlines

Dump on him for Rock of Ages? Yes, please.

ALEC HOW COULD YOU????????

Posted by: kirbyjay at December 14, 2011 9:06 AM

What is, The only thing that could make Glee look completely heterosexual and contemporary.

Posted by: Max at December 14, 2011 10:19 AM

This is a horror movie right? One of those torture porn flicks?

Posted by: aroorda at December 14, 2011 10:50 AM

Yes, it was all pop music.
---
Protoguy,

Husker Du and Bad Religion would like a word with you.

Posted by: , at December 14, 2011 11:12 AM

This looks like post-habanero eating diarrhea feels.

Posted by: Uncle Mikey at December 14, 2011 12:31 PM

So many mixed feelings, so little time.

They might have pulled it off, if it wasn't for Alec Baldwin in a wig.

Is this supposed to be intentionally funny?

Posted by: OldSchool60 at December 14, 2011 4:58 PM

Is that Dee Snyder in the header pic?

Posted by: , at December 15, 2011 12:13 PM